delight

HI...Im back...but this time its not about me and my situation...its about a dear old friend of mine...Basically she just moved back to her moms house (from west coast to east coast)a month and a half ago after leaving her boyfriend becuase he has a drinking problem and has physically abused her...she also has a one year old daughter who is so cute.
Since she has been away from him he has been on and off...one night calling saying he will change the next night totally drunk and saying he will harm her.
Now she told me today she is going back to him?????WHy I asked
...she said she has o give him another chace but just 3days ago she told me he was calling and threatening her.
DOES THIS MAKE SENSE ???? she says she is doing this for her daughter...and I am not here to judge but I feel this CHOICE she is about to make will be a very bad one...I suggested her to give him time to show her he is changing...not just words but actions...he also has 4 other kids who he is not supporting.
please please please respond to his with good advice for her as I am going to have her read his whn some comments are left...thanks to everyone...you all helped me through a rough time...hope you can help my friend
peace:

Ann

delight

Sadly there is not much you can do for her until she is ready to look after herself. I know that has a familiar ring, but we just can't fix other people who don't want fixing.

You can be her friend and just let her know you care, perhaps you could make sure she has information about shelters or safe places if the going gets tough, and maybe you could encourage her to get some counselling, but aside from that she is going to do whatever she wants.

Victims of abuse have great difficulty believing that they don't deserve to be treated this way, and the abuser often knows the right buttons to push to keep the emotional chains on. Hopefully one day she will see how dangerous her situation is and get help.

And she is lucky to have a friend like you who cares.

margo

Hi Delight - I was amazed reading your post as my sister did the exact same thing a few years ago. She was living in England and had 2 small daughters and had been married for 16 years at the time. Her husband was in jail, not for the first time, on alcohol and gun charges. She had actually called the police on her husband to have him arrested because he had guns in the house and was drunk and threatening to kill someone. He had beaten her several times previously and one night chased her down the street in her nightgown. She had gone to the police, who were useless, and she had checked out shelters for her and the children, etc. Anyway, my dad ended up flying over there at her request as she said that she knew she would not be safe once he got out of jail. As she is Canadian, there was no problem with her coming here and settling in this country and this was what she decided to do. My dad helped her to close up the house, pack, etc, etc, paid the air fares for her and the children, and brought her to Vancouver to be with the rest of the family. We bent over backwards to make her as comfortable as possible, ran her all over the place to get her documentation in order, and I even gave up my bedroom and slept on the couch so the kids had a room of their own to sleep in. Her husband got out of jail eventually and swore up and down that he was done with alcohol and he would do anything to have her come back.

Guess what she did? And guess how things are with them? Still the same. He continues to drink, she continues to be horribly unhappy, and now he is in control of everything - the house, the finances, etc, etc. There isn't a damn thing we can do about it, either. I know she felt so homesick when she first arrived, and she had left everything that was familiar to her. I don't doubt how difficult it was for her. But she now says that if she had it to do again, she would NEVER have gone back. All she needed to do was stick it out a bit longer - change never comes easy, especially when everything is new and we miss our old life and routines, no matter how many problems we may have had. I really hope your friend will reconsider what she is thinking of doing - it may not be an easy transition for her to start over, but she will be able to build a new and happier life for her and her daughter if she can just give it some time. Hope this helps.

Love and hugs.

margo

Delight - forgot to mention - one of the primary reasons my sister decided to go back to her husband was "for the girls." So my nieces are also having to live with the consequences of my sister's decision.