Facing The Facts
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
Facing The Facts
I asked AH the other day if he would be interested in seeking help at a different treatment facility than the one he went to nearly 6 years ago. Bottom line, his answer was an emphatic "no!".
I've been negotiating on buying a house and that big step would bring such finality to my marriage. It's scary for me, and for whatever reason, I find myself wavering about going through with it. (buying the house and ending my marriage)
I've analyzed it all to death and still come up with an uneasy feeling about moving forward. AH is basically telling me he wants to continue drinking. His behaviour has certainly shown me that for 2 decades as well. It's time for me to face the facts and move on.....but I'm having a difficult time reconciling it all in my head and heart.
I should feel excited to be free at long last from the misery, knowing I'm doing the right thing for me and AH.
I'm going to look at the house again tomorrow....I just want to see if I can get a feeling of "I belong here"....or "I'd dread coming home to this place every day." Maybe it doesn't matter about the house. (considering I hate coming home when AH is here) Perhaps the bigger problem is simply ME, not wanting to move on.
For the life of me...I just don't get it! Why am I sabotaging myself this way??
~Godhelpme
I've been negotiating on buying a house and that big step would bring such finality to my marriage. It's scary for me, and for whatever reason, I find myself wavering about going through with it. (buying the house and ending my marriage)
I've analyzed it all to death and still come up with an uneasy feeling about moving forward. AH is basically telling me he wants to continue drinking. His behaviour has certainly shown me that for 2 decades as well. It's time for me to face the facts and move on.....but I'm having a difficult time reconciling it all in my head and heart.
I should feel excited to be free at long last from the misery, knowing I'm doing the right thing for me and AH.
I'm going to look at the house again tomorrow....I just want to see if I can get a feeling of "I belong here"....or "I'd dread coming home to this place every day." Maybe it doesn't matter about the house. (considering I hate coming home when AH is here) Perhaps the bigger problem is simply ME, not wanting to move on.
For the life of me...I just don't get it! Why am I sabotaging myself this way??
~Godhelpme
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
For me it has always been hard to make choices and move on---fear of the unknown---I think getting a new home is a good move and will keep you busy for a while so you will not be constantly worrying about the A---you can do it--be strong..
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by Godhelpme 
Perhaps the bigger problem is simply ME, not wanting to move on.
For the life of me...I just don't get it! Why am I sabotaging myself this way??
For the life of me...I just don't get it! Why am I sabotaging myself this way??
When I finally accepted that I didn't cause it and couldn't change it, I put the energy back into ME. To some degree, I was my own problem. I was preventing my own healing. I had to remember, it doesn't happen overnight, but if I let myself move forward and reach out to others, I would have support and my spirit would thrive again.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
From a book I read.
Ordinary, thought about what he needed to do. It felt uncomfortable.
Ordinary, told the dreamgiver to remove his fears, becuase he couldn't
move forward.
The dreamgiver didn't take ordinary fears away.
ordinary replied..I can't
Dreamgiver........You can
Dreamgiver........step forward
Ordinary took a step forward through the invisable wall of fears.
Courage is not without fears
Ordinary, thought about what he needed to do. It felt uncomfortable.
Ordinary, told the dreamgiver to remove his fears, becuase he couldn't
move forward.
The dreamgiver didn't take ordinary fears away.
ordinary replied..I can't
Dreamgiver........You can
Dreamgiver........step forward
Ordinary took a step forward through the invisable wall of fears.
Courage is not without fears
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Why? I do not know, only you do. There is a payoff for you, otherwise you would move forward. After living with an "A" for years, one becomes confused and lacks self-confidence, that's just how it works, we lose us.
Stand up, dust yourself off and take steps to become free of the chains that bind you to a person who is addicted and has no interest in recovery.
Your life is passing you by, days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years and poof you are an old person with a broken spirit. Someone who has missed out on the joy life has to offer.
You hold the key to your happiness in the palm of your hand....he doesn't
Stand up, dust yourself off and take steps to become free of the chains that bind you to a person who is addicted and has no interest in recovery.
Your life is passing you by, days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years and poof you are an old person with a broken spirit. Someone who has missed out on the joy life has to offer.
You hold the key to your happiness in the palm of your hand....he doesn't
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Why? Good question. For me, I have become obsessed with controlling my husband's problem and desired (for me) outcome. I also have trouble letting go of the "dream" that I thought our marriage would be and my "old" husband. I haven't seen my old husband in over 4 years now. You'd think I would have completely forgot about that person by now.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
When our doctor told me about the spouses he sees in their 60s and 70s who so regret the choice they made and now look back on a life not lived, I took it to heart. It was a turning point for me. At 49, I have DECADES ahead of me to live a life worth living. What that life is for each of us is different.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Try not being so hard on yourself and thinking too much.
That is what I do, I think too much and lately I have been coming to the understanding that I need to work though the feelings. My head knows the answers its my heart that struggles.
Its is probably that you are coming to acceptance and along with that I have noticed the grieving becomes more real.... Any relationship has to be morned.... just let your heart do that and in time the head and heart will come together.
That is what I do, I think too much and lately I have been coming to the understanding that I need to work though the feelings. My head knows the answers its my heart that struggles.
Its is probably that you are coming to acceptance and along with that I have noticed the grieving becomes more real.... Any relationship has to be morned.... just let your heart do that and in time the head and heart will come together.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think there is safety in familiarity. It may be ugly, but there are few suprises anymore. If you buy the house, you willtake a huge step toward remembering your sense of self. Hmmmm, what in the world are we supposed to do with ourselves?
When is the last time your life focused around you? That can be a very uncomfortable feeling. If you decided to start a life for yourself today, what would you do? I don't have a clue what I'd do.
I'm 51, I'm not sure how that could be true but it is. My sons are gone. I'm peaked at my career. Gravity sucks. I enjoy my own company but my family has been my life.
I think a new house is a great place to start. It will be OK, this is a process.
When is the last time your life focused around you? That can be a very uncomfortable feeling. If you decided to start a life for yourself today, what would you do? I don't have a clue what I'd do.
I'm 51, I'm not sure how that could be true but it is. My sons are gone. I'm peaked at my career. Gravity sucks. I enjoy my own company but my family has been my life.
I think a new house is a great place to start. It will be OK, this is a process.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You've experienced how unhappy and downright miserable it can be living with an A. Living alone doesn't have to be bad if you maintain a balance of time alone along with activities you can engage in with friends. I'm not advocating that you dash out and buy a house, but perhaps it would be helpful for you to really look at those feelings that are holding you back.
You are considering a major change in your life. I think with big changes, we all have some hesitation because we don't know what the outcome will be. However, we can only live in the moment anyway, so we can't foresee what the future holds. Maybe you should keep looking at houses until you find the right "fit" for you.
You are considering a major change in your life. I think with big changes, we all have some hesitation because we don't know what the outcome will be. However, we can only live in the moment anyway, so we can't foresee what the future holds. Maybe you should keep looking at houses until you find the right "fit" for you.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Just my opinion on what I would do, I would get an apartment first, unless you have childern and pets.
My luck with houses didn't turn out well. When I needed and wanted to get out, every other house was for sale, did luck out but barely got my money back.
Maybe you have owned befor, perhaps you are lucky, I wasn't.
Just my thoughts.
With anything, I hope you can take your time. I make lists, seems to help me, I want this, Idon't want that, why it's best to leave, what if I stay etc. reread in a few days and make corrections. I did this till I quit changeing my mind. Just suggestions.
One thing I know for sure anything for my dog.
Caring, understanding hugs!
My luck with houses didn't turn out well. When I needed and wanted to get out, every other house was for sale, did luck out but barely got my money back.
Maybe you have owned befor, perhaps you are lucky, I wasn't.
Just my thoughts.
With anything, I hope you can take your time. I make lists, seems to help me, I want this, Idon't want that, why it's best to leave, what if I stay etc. reread in a few days and make corrections. I did this till I quit changeing my mind. Just suggestions.
One thing I know for sure anything for my dog.
Caring, understanding hugs!
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I hope you scream, "I'm home!" 
I was wondering what I would do in your situation; my AH telling me that he was for sure going to keep drinking?? All doubts and questions removed?? Him taking away the hope that maybe he'll stop.
Of course, I'm not in your situation but it sure does sound like you know what to do. Your head, anyway. It's hard to trust the brain and wait for the heart to catch-up!
Whatever you decide! We are all here for you!! I'll be praying for you!
Much love, Cheryl
I was wondering what I would do in your situation; my AH telling me that he was for sure going to keep drinking?? All doubts and questions removed?? Him taking away the hope that maybe he'll stop.
Of course, I'm not in your situation but it sure does sound like you know what to do. Your head, anyway. It's hard to trust the brain and wait for the heart to catch-up!
Whatever you decide! We are all here for you!! I'll be praying for you!
Much love, Cheryl
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think, "house" needs to mean "home". I think "home" needs to mean sanctuary. This is my house. This is my front door. In, out, in, out. You shouldn't underestimate what order would mean to your life. You can have friends over again, decorate for the holidays, fill that house with scented candles and have picnics. You can plant flowers. You can meet your neighbors. Wouldn't it be great to have Thanksgiving Dinner at your house this year.
So many of our holidays get ruined by drinking.
So many of our holidays get ruined by drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
Oh, thanks so much (((everyone))).
No doubt I see lots of positives in the actual house itself, and I also intellectually know I would be 'better off' living there vs living here with AH. It didn't scream anything to me when I walked through it again...nothing. Logic took over and I saw the advantages and possibilities. (along with the downfalls) It really does meet most of my criteria and it's the only house on the market in a limited geographic area that offers much of what I want and need to have. And so logic tells me "this is it". (Although I've not made a formal, final offer)
I did the apartment thing when I moved out the first time (for 14 mos) and I appreciated having somewhere to go at the time, but didn't adjust to apartment life -- maybe because I knew it was temporary, wasn't really "mine". I missed my home terribly in those days...the peacefulness of the tranquil setting and natural environment, not to mention all the effort I put into this place over the last 2 decades adding on, remodeling and making it 'home' for me. I longed for it and grieved over it.
Yes, my head knows what's best to do....It's my heart that is having great difficulty coming to terms with 'the end'. Leaving AH is really the most loving thing I can do for him now. It's also, likely, the most loving thing I can do for myself as well.....and I suspect, I'll go that route (and with this particular home).
I don't mind admitting that I've failed along the way in my marriage, owning up to my contribution in the outcome. But I do hurt over the loss of what could've been (in my mind).....what should've been...and mostly, what will never be.
I like what SaTIT wrote: "Courage is not without fears". I appreciate all of your encouragement, fellow members of SR. Maybe I'll find the courage to step through my fear and move forward....
~GodHelpMe
No doubt I see lots of positives in the actual house itself, and I also intellectually know I would be 'better off' living there vs living here with AH. It didn't scream anything to me when I walked through it again...nothing. Logic took over and I saw the advantages and possibilities. (along with the downfalls) It really does meet most of my criteria and it's the only house on the market in a limited geographic area that offers much of what I want and need to have. And so logic tells me "this is it". (Although I've not made a formal, final offer)
I did the apartment thing when I moved out the first time (for 14 mos) and I appreciated having somewhere to go at the time, but didn't adjust to apartment life -- maybe because I knew it was temporary, wasn't really "mine". I missed my home terribly in those days...the peacefulness of the tranquil setting and natural environment, not to mention all the effort I put into this place over the last 2 decades adding on, remodeling and making it 'home' for me. I longed for it and grieved over it.
Yes, my head knows what's best to do....It's my heart that is having great difficulty coming to terms with 'the end'. Leaving AH is really the most loving thing I can do for him now. It's also, likely, the most loving thing I can do for myself as well.....and I suspect, I'll go that route (and with this particular home).
I don't mind admitting that I've failed along the way in my marriage, owning up to my contribution in the outcome. But I do hurt over the loss of what could've been (in my mind).....what should've been...and mostly, what will never be.
I like what SaTIT wrote: "Courage is not without fears". I appreciate all of your encouragement, fellow members of SR. Maybe I'll find the courage to step through my fear and move forward....
~GodHelpMe
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