expectation for recovery timeline?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
expectation for recovery timeline?
when i typed out the subject heading, i know how ridiculous it sounds- but i will plunge on: i am not really in acceptance yet about my husband leaving- i am still sad about it to the point of having problems concentrating, being depressed, having a pit in my stomach-- it's been two years since he separated from me, but we were seeing eachother; it's been two months since he said he didn't want a romantic relationship with me, and four months since he started seeing this other woman. do any of you have any tricks for acceptance? the situation couldn't be any more clear, so why am i still hoping he'll call? why am i still sad? will i ever "get lucky" again? i feel like a big pitiful loser that i am not over this. i started therapy a month ago, and i have been in and out of alanon- i've gotten back into it for the past month- i need to bring out the big guns to accept this, so if any of you have any advice... any chants? can i burn any special incense, any special efforts you can recommend specifically for acceptance? it's been so long and i can't even get the first part down, which is acceptance....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Not seeing him or hear his voice should help, does for some.
IMO this is a form of grief, it takes what it takes for each of us.
It is difficult, many are going through it, don't be hard on yourself.
Think of something you always wanted to do and give it a try,
Caring understanding hugs
IMO this is a form of grief, it takes what it takes for each of us.
It is difficult, many are going through it, don't be hard on yourself.
Think of something you always wanted to do and give it a try,
Caring understanding hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
"We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings - sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it". From The Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie
What this says to me is that all of the feelings and emotions you are going through are getting you prepared for acceptance. And, it will happen when you are ready!
What this says to me is that all of the feelings and emotions you are going through are getting you prepared for acceptance. And, it will happen when you are ready!
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i think as long we keep moving forward, recovery keeps growing. i don't believe i will ever be able to say "today is the day - i am recovered". i think i'll be working on it forever. but my life around my recovery will grow and change. if i let it..
blessings, k
blessings, k
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Sounds like you have expectations to me. Expectations in my life, stem from a lack of acceptance, so it makes sense to me where you are coming from!
When I first found recovery, I found that I had a lot of expectations about what my recovery was going to 'get' me.
It was going to get me a clean spouse, a working spouse, a better bank account, a future with children, a happier me, a less stressed me, and on and on.
The only expectation I have now is that I will be sane and healthy one day at a time and each day I take care of myself is a day Im better off than I was when I began. Acceptance is really tough...there are alot of books that are pretty helpful too on the subject.
When I first found recovery, I found that I had a lot of expectations about what my recovery was going to 'get' me.
It was going to get me a clean spouse, a working spouse, a better bank account, a future with children, a happier me, a less stressed me, and on and on.
The only expectation I have now is that I will be sane and healthy one day at a time and each day I take care of myself is a day Im better off than I was when I began. Acceptance is really tough...there are alot of books that are pretty helpful too on the subject.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
It might sound stupid, but here gose. My ESH
Until you have had enough of the pain. It can be tricky but if you're
honest with yourself..... As painful and as awful as it is...you like it.
You became accustom or familar with living in chaos and drama.
Long before you met your AH. The threshold of your pain is
what keeps you in creating more pain as an addictive agent.
Our brian has the capability to generate natural endorphins.
The melodrama is just that,. Notice the 12step are the same
in AA and Al-anon, just different words in step#1.
Acceptence of this truth can be a s.o.b., but it is the key.
You stated already, knowing your AH is with another woman
gose beyound all logic of why you still want him back....that's insane.
look at step#2 "restore to sanity"
If you were well...it would be very simple to say
"hell no....i don't need that crap, I deserve better"
Acceptence of your co-dependency, puts you in the posistion
to re-focus on yourself , your recovery.....not your AH's actions or whatever.
Being Powerless over other people is a paradox. It also means
you're not responsiable for his actions...you don't need to fix him.
This will lead you to letting go.....keep an openmind.
If you start a relationship with a HP.
At the very least your focus will no longer be on your AH.
Through my ESH..my HP is the only thing that's been able
to fill that big empty hole inside of me. I'm very needy.
With my heart full of the love from my HP.
At the very least....i won't be desperate.
Until you have had enough of the pain. It can be tricky but if you're
honest with yourself..... As painful and as awful as it is...you like it.
You became accustom or familar with living in chaos and drama.
Long before you met your AH. The threshold of your pain is
what keeps you in creating more pain as an addictive agent.
Our brian has the capability to generate natural endorphins.
The melodrama is just that,. Notice the 12step are the same
in AA and Al-anon, just different words in step#1.
Acceptence of this truth can be a s.o.b., but it is the key.
You stated already, knowing your AH is with another woman
gose beyound all logic of why you still want him back....that's insane.
look at step#2 "restore to sanity"
If you were well...it would be very simple to say
"hell no....i don't need that crap, I deserve better"
Acceptence of your co-dependency, puts you in the posistion
to re-focus on yourself , your recovery.....not your AH's actions or whatever.
Being Powerless over other people is a paradox. It also means
you're not responsiable for his actions...you don't need to fix him.
This will lead you to letting go.....keep an openmind.
If you start a relationship with a HP.
At the very least your focus will no longer be on your AH.
Through my ESH..my HP is the only thing that's been able
to fill that big empty hole inside of me. I'm very needy.
With my heart full of the love from my HP.
At the very least....i won't be desperate.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
lillian, i wish i had some advice to give, but i'm not there yet myself ... i know what it feels like to be in so much pain; there's days i just don't want to get out of bed and i want to cry and cry... i'm hoping the pain will disappear one day... i also wish i knew when this would happen...
let me know if you find a chant we can use
let me know if you find a chant we can use
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I don't know what to tell you, but I do suggest that you ask your doctor for an anti-depressant to help with the lack of concentration and anxiety you are feeling.
I was divorced once a very long time ago, and I had a 9 month old baby. I could hardly function. I thought I would never get over it, but I eventually did. I didn't really have a choice, because I had to be a parent.
If it happened to me today (now that I have no young children), I think I would throw myself into myself. Do things only for me. I would join a book club, a running/biking club, Sunday school/church, volunteer work, get a second job, go back to school, take a pottery class, travel, etc. I would surround myself with groups of people and healthy activities. And, of course, I would keep going to therapy and other self-help meetings. The challenge would be for me to learn how to be happy with just ME. (Come to think of it, this is pretty much how I coped living in an alcoholic marriage.)
You seem to have a very strong attachment to this man. I would like to see you develop this same attachment and attraction to yourself. I'm behind you 100%. You can do this. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
I was divorced once a very long time ago, and I had a 9 month old baby. I could hardly function. I thought I would never get over it, but I eventually did. I didn't really have a choice, because I had to be a parent.
If it happened to me today (now that I have no young children), I think I would throw myself into myself. Do things only for me. I would join a book club, a running/biking club, Sunday school/church, volunteer work, get a second job, go back to school, take a pottery class, travel, etc. I would surround myself with groups of people and healthy activities. And, of course, I would keep going to therapy and other self-help meetings. The challenge would be for me to learn how to be happy with just ME. (Come to think of it, this is pretty much how I coped living in an alcoholic marriage.)
You seem to have a very strong attachment to this man. I would like to see you develop this same attachment and attraction to yourself. I'm behind you 100%. You can do this. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
if i find any chant, i'll let you know- i think i'll work on being able to do a handstand or split- something my brain and heart doesn't need to get involved with. they both need a break. i had no idea i was so insecure with myself that when my husband left, my sense of self worth, sexuality, intelligence, creativity-- myself- would be offered up to go--i cut them off at the root and put them in the basket like cut flowers, and now i can't believe that they're dead. i'll have to grow them again-i know the roots are here somewhere.i feel embarrassed about it though- anyone else feel ashamed at being such a cliche?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Can you explain to me why you would be embarrassed by loving someone and it hurting you when its over? Im not sure I understand that.
Anyone that has lived with or is living with the disease of Alcoholism has nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about... In fact we should be getting a flipping award or something. No one taught us how to live with an alcoholic and not give up who we are.... your a suvivor ... start surviving hon.
Today why dont you get out of the feelings that have no place here and just work on the healing emotions.... Mourn the death of this relationship and person and work on Anger, Sadness, Fear and Sorrow... Put the focus back on you and healing hon.
Anyone that has lived with or is living with the disease of Alcoholism has nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about... In fact we should be getting a flipping award or something. No one taught us how to live with an alcoholic and not give up who we are.... your a suvivor ... start surviving hon.
Today why dont you get out of the feelings that have no place here and just work on the healing emotions.... Mourn the death of this relationship and person and work on Anger, Sadness, Fear and Sorrow... Put the focus back on you and healing hon.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by Cynay 
In fact we should be getting a flipping award or something. No one taught us how to live with an alcoholic and not give up who we are.... your a suvivor ... start surviving hon.
We should just have our own awards show or something!? Seriously!
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