Sunflower

Some of you are very hard on the families of alcoholics---you must learn to see--they are going through their own living hell--dealing with it how they think they should--even if we think it is the wrong way--they just haven't figured it all out yet.These are blood relatives. I know that--as I have--want to blame someone for the As behavior etc...the blame only belongs on the A-no one else ever.

Cynay

Im confused as to what you mean.

It is my opinion that yes it is the A that is the foundation of the problem, but I played my part too and that makes me also responsible.

denny57

Frustration at enablers is normal and understandable, blood or not. I'm no Mother Teresa, that's for sure. :-)

try try again

Speaking of mothers, have any of you ever felt like you were in a competition with the mother of your 'A" over who could help him the most, the best? I know now that we were both just fighting over enabling him, but it is so illogical and crazy-looking back-that I ever felt jealous. Does anybody relate, or am I crazy?

cmc

frizzly,
While I would not use the word 'blame' I can tell you from my own experience that alot of things I did or did not do were not helpful.
I don't think anyone here needs to be reminded of how much pain there is involved- most here share the same sorrow and pain.
When I was new and even sometimes still, it was difficult to hear what others have done because I could not identify with them. The good thing is that I learned at my own pace and accepted what I was comfortable with as I became ready.
I learned in Alanon and in a few counseling sessions that I am not to blame but I did need to learn some better ways to cope with life as it was/is living with addiction. We are all just trying to find our way through the pain and if there were no growth to share with others- there would be no need for places like 12 step meetings and forums like this one.
I need to hear the truth and learn from others...in doing that I _will_ learn a better way...but not be shamed because I wasn't ready or didn't have the knowledge and courage to change.
I did rescue my son several times and now wish I hadn't....so I'm sharing not blame but just the fact of how I once responded to things that was not in my or my son's best interest- as I see things now, after the fact. At the time(s) I was doing my best with what I knew and could tolerate.

Zoey

Hopefully we all point out to newbies to , "Take what you can use and leave the rest." We all work at our own pace and do the best we can.

AA's have it a bit easier in that dept, they tell newbies, "Don't drink and go to meetings."

When there is violence, we do have to try to get the point across. Could be life or death.

elizabeth1979

Im not sure I'm getting your point but I can tell you I have a blood father, blood uncle, and blood brother -all of whose drinking affects me no more and no less than the non-blood ex I spent years in living hell with.

nocellphone

Actually, I blame the disease, not the people who suffer from it.

As a relative/friend of alcoholics/addicts, I know that my reactivity to their disease influenced my behaviors and I ended up as out-of-control as they were. Only through working my own program of recovery did I learn to be accountable for my behaviors and to make some very necessary changes...

While I would never be "hard" on those affected by the alcoholism/addiction of a relative or friend (at least I hope not), I will always strive to be as honest and straightforward with them as I can be, as that is how others needed to be with me in order to break through my very thick walls of denial. Without that type of honesty, I might not be alive today. At the very least, I'd certainly living the same deeply miserable life I once knew.

This disease lives and thrives in the darkness of denial. It cannot survive when dragged into the light.

Sunflower

Maybe everything I say is not clear--I am new to this--I just keep hearing ''he was a mamas boy'' such anger towards the moms--of which I am one--I was just trying to let you see how it feels on my side---oh boy I have made so so many mistakes I know I have--but only because I didn't know any betterr--I think my main point was---the only place to put blame is on the A--no where else---God know we are all running around them trying to figure out what to do in the beginning of this nightmare--takes a while to figure it all out---And you are right 'nocell'I blame thhis awful disease!!!

free2be

I love him and I still feel the need to justify, make excuses and protect him. I'd probably blame the pet gerbil rather than blame him.
In my head I know, Addiction is Addiction, He has and makes choices.
He is to blame. He is responsible.

Maybe, it's just human nature to want and need to place blame for behaviors we do not understand.

(((((HUGS))))) Frizzy.

aztchr

My ex's mom was very supportive of me doing what was best for me. She loved me as a daughter. She knew she couldn't change her son either, just like she couldn't change his stepfather who died from multiple cancers resulting from drug and alcohol abuse. I saw the road she walked, I was with the family when my ex's stepfather passed away.

This is another reason I was fighting so hard to save my ex, but I'm not powerful enough. I can only walk my own path.

I don't blame anyone or anything. I made choices, he made choices, and we'll both continue to do that.

I miss the relationship I had with my ex's mom. I had many nights of trying to understand my ex, asking her what I could do, etc. I'm very fortunate to have had her support. Deep down, I know she wished her son would have wanted to stop drinking. She said I was the best thing that came into both of their lives. Maybe I did help them both in some ways. I know I have learned more about myself because of the experiences with their family.