sad monday morning

Old 03-12-2007, 04:29 AM
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sad monday morning

Hi everyone.

I haven't seen my AH in many weeks. But today we are meeting in a public place to exchange some belongings.

It is such a sad situation. For the most part I feel "strong" but it is just so heartbreaking to see this man such a wreck. He claims to be "not drinking" but obviously is (many voicemails/emails that reek of liquor).

These voicemails are heartwrenching. He cries. And pleads like a child for me to come to him. It is just too much. I know, I know, I shouldn't listen. But I have to. I know that the marriage is over, but I still really care about this man. I just wish I could get through to him...he is so mentally NOT ok...the drinking has made him into a crazy person. But what a vicious drug!!! He still can function enough to keep his job (til now) and convince his parents that the reason I left him was due to MY craziness and not his drinking. He has guarded well his sad little alcoholic world. He is all alone in a hotel room everynight drinking.

In January, when I, with the doctor, convinced him to check into detox, I still had some hope. I really thought that when he got out, that he'd be back to his normal self. Nope. The 4 days of not drinking almost made him even more crazy. He went right back to the sauce. He's been denying the drinking ever since to the whole world.

There was a small window of time when I think I might have gone back to him. I told him after detox, if he got a therapist, went to AA, and never took another drink I would spend time with him. He did none of these things. And now cries to me that I am killing him by leaving him.

I don't think there are adjectives strong enough to describe how sad addiction is. It robs the soul and mind. A controllable mental illness. But the catch is that the addict has to have a moment of sanity in his craziness in order to climb out! For some A's, this will never happen.

I've been doing a good job of being detached for the most part...but there are some tough moments...it's just so hard, as all of you know, to leave a mentally ill person alone to "deal with it" and "get help when they ask and are ready to be helped". But I can't force him to get help. And I can't be with him when he crazy and drinking.
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Old 03-12-2007, 04:39 AM
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Painful to watch them isn't it? It didn't seem like it was his choice to go to detox.....and for only 4 days? No rehab, or follow up treatments, therapy, AA ?

I don't really have much advice. Maybe re-read your post before you go meet with him. You seem to know by his actions, that he is not ready to change yet. Be strong.
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Old 03-12-2007, 04:43 AM
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Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
I've been doing a good job of being detached for the most part...but there are some tough moments...it's just so hard, as all of you know, to leave a mentally ill person alone to "deal with it" and "get help when they ask and are ready to be helped". But I can't force him to get help. And I can't be with him when he crazy and drinking.
Yes, it is sad, and it is hard.

It sounds like your handling it as best as you can with detaching and keeping your boundaries intact for you, and at the same time, still having some compassion for him! That's very difficult to balance at times.

Smart idea about the 'public' meeting place for the exchange. Let us know how it goes, and good luck!
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Old 03-12-2007, 05:12 AM
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(((Hugs to you))))

I know it is hard, but it sounds like you are doing well.....
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Old 03-12-2007, 05:19 AM
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Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
...it's just so hard, as all of you know, to leave a mentally ill person alone to "deal with it" and "get help when they ask and are ready to be helped". ...
If he is ready to be helped, he will listen.

When and if he asks, you can point him in the right direction.
I need help... AA meetings.
I can't do it alone... AA meetings
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Old 03-12-2007, 05:26 AM
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I know it's so hard! And there seem to be more questions than answers, but you are strong and you can do this! Your sad Monday morning can can can turn around and become an okay Monday.
Praying for you!
Much Love, Cheryl
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Old 03-12-2007, 06:20 AM
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(((NEG))) I'm sorry this is so hard. I hope your meeting today goes alright--please let us know how you're doing afterward.
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Old 03-12-2007, 08:32 AM
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(((NEG)))

It does hurt. The only way I've gotten through it is to keep walking through it. Feel the pain as difficult as that is. Acceptance is important. Remaining open to hope also helps. Try to remind yourself that what you are doing just may be effective in ways you never imagined. If nothing else, you will come out stronger for it.

Time has allowed me to put some perspective on it all. It still pains me that someone I loved continues to drink themselves to death. I don't know why that is his path. I need to stay focused on my own.

Let us know how it goes.
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Old 03-12-2007, 08:46 AM
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I'm so sorry for him... and you. Keep doing what you have to do for yourself.
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Old 03-12-2007, 08:56 AM
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I'm sorrry that this is causing you pain. We are all here for you!

Some days I have to take things not One day at a time but One minute at a time.
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Old 03-12-2007, 11:45 AM
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Hello
Your post caught my eye because I too am sad, today, like most Mondays. I'm sad b/c my AH decided to drink the weekend away, all the way up till 3:30this morning. Remember those weekends?? We all experience(d) them, except you are free from the madness, and on the road to peace. I wish I could fast forward ahead and live life without him, because I would rather experience your sadness than mine.
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Old 03-12-2007, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by penneypoo View Post
I wish I could fast forward ahead and live life without him, because I would rather experience your sadness than mine.
That breaks my heart. I hope you find peace, penneypoo
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Old 03-12-2007, 01:11 PM
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(((((((neg)))))))

i'm sorry you are hurting....just seems there is no way to get there without the hurt. it's like the price we have to pay to achieve our own healthy recovery. i'm sorry, hon....really, i understand how it feels.

let's all remember to send prayers or good wishes to all the lost ones everyday in our prayers or meditations.

love to you
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Old 03-12-2007, 01:17 PM
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Penneypoo,

My heart just sank!

"Remember those weekends?? We all experience(d) them, except you are free from the madness, and on the road to peace. I wish I could fast forward ahead and live life without him, because I would rather experience your sadness than mine."

I had those weekends too & from my own personal experience once I learned to detach myself from his drinking my whole world changed all for the good.

Read on detachment - it may help you!
Believe in yourself you can do this!
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Old 03-12-2007, 02:27 PM
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Once you love someone they always own a little piece of your heart no matter what.....sending my prayers and (((HUGS)))
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Old 03-12-2007, 03:47 PM
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Yes, it is sad to watch a person self-destruct before your eyes. Yet, there is nothing you can do, except keep working on you.

Hugs,
Dolly
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Old 03-12-2007, 04:05 PM
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Oh Penney, I live in fear of those weekends popping up. It's really bad when they start on Wednesday! I've been wondering lately if I'm delaying the inevitable by staying with my AH. To me Mondays are the best day because I know he'll be recuperating from his weekend on Mondays. I usually can enjoy Mondays and Tuesdays. Wow! How sad is that!
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Old 03-12-2007, 05:25 PM
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Hey NewEnglandGirl,
Thoughts and prayers out to you....really big warmy fuzzy heartfelt ones. It is excruciatingly painful to watch someone we care about slowly kill themselves...and know there is nothing we can do but hope and pray.
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Old 03-12-2007, 06:12 PM
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Thank you so much everyone. It helps so much to hear all your kind words of suport.

The meeting went "well". It was intense. I caressed his face like I was his mother and pleaded with him to get himself the treatment he needs. I told him that he is a good man and that he did not deserve to get this addiction. But what he decides to do about it is all up to him. I begged him not to let it take away everything from him - that he had too much good to offer this world.

I told him for the first time to his face that I will not change my mind about the divorce. But that we never can know what the future holds. And for me to even consider having any contact with him, he would have to be in treatment and therapy and sober for at least a year. I told him that I hopes he proves what a mistake I've made - that he gets his sh*t together and lives the kind the life he deserves.

He agreed with everything. Assured me that he had the drinking much more under control and would no doubt be a new man one day.

It was so sad to see him so vulnerable...begging me to come back to him. I so wish I could do something for him. He kept on saying that if I'd only come back he could get better. But I reminded him that I was right by his side while he slid into all of this and it didn't help. I told him that his problem has nothing to do with him and me. And that too much has been said and done...and that my heart has changed. sigh.

He called and left messages throughout the afternoon til evening...starting out sounding pretty together...then by the last message he was trashed and irrational. He said something about taking mixing his pills and them making him feel depressed and horrible. I called his father to alert them to what is going on. They don't seem to really believe me...they say that everytime they talk to him, he is sober, and he claims to have quit drinking.

thanks again guys...I love SR
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Old 03-12-2007, 06:20 PM
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awwww neg, darlin.....i know this is so hard. my xh used to do the same thing, and it would just tear out my heart.

but you are so right when you said....you were right by his side during all this and he still slid down that slippery slope.

you have it so much more together than i ever did at this stage in the game....i just caved, and caved, and caved.

you did awesomely, neg.....you are so very strong and i am so proud of you.

now, do the famous bubble bath thing. do something nice for yourself.

(i used to think....bubble bath???? yea, right, sure. uh-huh. like a freakin bubble bath was gonna fix any damn thing!!!....and then i'd rant on and on about sunshine and lollipops and angels flying outta peoples arses).....but, i did learn to do nice things for myself....and lo and behold....i started feeling worthy of the damned bubble baths. hahahaha

love to you neg
jeri
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