2/27 Letting Go of Guilt
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2/27 Letting Go of Guilt
I usually post these in the Relationship form..... but this one needed to be seen here to in my opinion:
Im not going to post all of it... way too much typing, so I choose what I saw as the meat of the message:
You are reading from Mars & Venus starting over. By John Gray, Ph.D.
Some people hold on to guilt because they believe that they are bad and should feel guilty for leaving a partner who feels hurt, betrayed, or abandoned. This is incorrect thinking. If we realize that a relationship is not right for us, then it cannot be right for our partner. The greatest gift we can give someone is the opportunity to find love. If we are unable to get what we need in a relationship, then we can never give another what he/she needs. We will feel too resentful. Only by leaving him/her will he/she be free to find the love he/she needs.
Sometimes even when we are the ones who are the victims, we feel guilty for leaving. We may mistakenly feel sorry for our partners, when really they should be feeling sorry for the ways they have hurt us. This tendency to feel guilty is the result of suppressing the four healing emotions.
There are basically four ways our minds will suppress our emotional reactions to cause us to feel guilty about leaving. They are denial, justification, rationalization, and self-blame. Let's look at each in greater detail.
*Denial
We say to ourselves that our partner really didn't mistreat us. We ignore what happened. To overcome being stuck in denial, we need to feel our anger. Anger reveals what happened that we didn't want, which we might otherwise overlook.
*
Justification
We defend what happened by making excuses for our partner. We might say, "Well, he didn't mean to do it." To overcome being stuck in justification, we need to feel our sadness. Sadness reveals what didn't happen that we wanted to happen. Sadness reminds us of what we are not getting instead of focusing on the reasons he didn't support us.
*
We tell ourselves that what happened really doesn't matter so much for a variety of reasons. We might say, "It could be much worse." To overcome being stuck in rationalizations, we need to feel our fear of never getting what we want and need. Fear reveals to us what could happen that we do not want to happen. It helps us to recognize what is important to us and not just what is important to our partner.
*Self-Blame
We blkame ourselves for provoking unwanted behavior. We might say, "If I had approached him differently, then he would not have..." Or "She did that, but I did this." To overcome being stuck in self-blame, we need to feel our sorrow. Sorrow assists us in recognizing what we cannot change. By feeling powerless to change our partner, we stop imagining that we are responsible for his or her mistreatment.
When these four tendencies prevent us from feeling our negative emotions, they are a problem. By taking the time to explore our negative feelings, we can clearly recognize the truth of a situation. Then we can make a decision to leave without feeling bad or guiltyl.
It is never a loving act to allow a person the opportunity to hurt us. If we are not getting what we need, then the most loving behavior is to end a relationship. If we discover that we do not feel our partner is right for us, then it is time to move on. Rather then end the relationship because our partner is inadequate or abusive in some way, end the relationship with forgiveness, but also with a recognition that he is not the right person for you.
Im not going to post all of it... way too much typing, so I choose what I saw as the meat of the message:
You are reading from Mars & Venus starting over. By John Gray, Ph.D.
Some people hold on to guilt because they believe that they are bad and should feel guilty for leaving a partner who feels hurt, betrayed, or abandoned. This is incorrect thinking. If we realize that a relationship is not right for us, then it cannot be right for our partner. The greatest gift we can give someone is the opportunity to find love. If we are unable to get what we need in a relationship, then we can never give another what he/she needs. We will feel too resentful. Only by leaving him/her will he/she be free to find the love he/she needs.
Sometimes even when we are the ones who are the victims, we feel guilty for leaving. We may mistakenly feel sorry for our partners, when really they should be feeling sorry for the ways they have hurt us. This tendency to feel guilty is the result of suppressing the four healing emotions.
There are basically four ways our minds will suppress our emotional reactions to cause us to feel guilty about leaving. They are denial, justification, rationalization, and self-blame. Let's look at each in greater detail.
*Denial
We say to ourselves that our partner really didn't mistreat us. We ignore what happened. To overcome being stuck in denial, we need to feel our anger. Anger reveals what happened that we didn't want, which we might otherwise overlook.
*
Justification
We defend what happened by making excuses for our partner. We might say, "Well, he didn't mean to do it." To overcome being stuck in justification, we need to feel our sadness. Sadness reveals what didn't happen that we wanted to happen. Sadness reminds us of what we are not getting instead of focusing on the reasons he didn't support us.
*
We tell ourselves that what happened really doesn't matter so much for a variety of reasons. We might say, "It could be much worse." To overcome being stuck in rationalizations, we need to feel our fear of never getting what we want and need. Fear reveals to us what could happen that we do not want to happen. It helps us to recognize what is important to us and not just what is important to our partner.
*Self-Blame
We blkame ourselves for provoking unwanted behavior. We might say, "If I had approached him differently, then he would not have..." Or "She did that, but I did this." To overcome being stuck in self-blame, we need to feel our sorrow. Sorrow assists us in recognizing what we cannot change. By feeling powerless to change our partner, we stop imagining that we are responsible for his or her mistreatment.
When these four tendencies prevent us from feeling our negative emotions, they are a problem. By taking the time to explore our negative feelings, we can clearly recognize the truth of a situation. Then we can make a decision to leave without feeling bad or guiltyl.
It is never a loving act to allow a person the opportunity to hurt us. If we are not getting what we need, then the most loving behavior is to end a relationship. If we discover that we do not feel our partner is right for us, then it is time to move on. Rather then end the relationship because our partner is inadequate or abusive in some way, end the relationship with forgiveness, but also with a recognition that he is not the right person for you.
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
Thank you!!!
I really, really needed to hear this today. Sometimes being loving to yourself sure requires a lot of courage and pain. You forget about why you're doing it and go back to what you know, which you think is the past of resistance. But deep down, I know it won't be the path of least resistance. A wrong move now could cost me years. It's already cost me a few b/c I wasn't willing to see the writing on the wall, not enough to completely cut if off anyway. I downplayed the hurtful things that my AF has been doing and now it's all come back to rear it's ugly head, once it became 'go' time, for me to move away with him.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
There is no single gene that you can pass on to a child that will 'cause' them to be an alcoholic. Addiction does have a tendency to run in families, and there is a gene that affects the chemical receptors in the brain for opiates (which is believed to lead to their addiction).
However, you can't get tested for an 'addiction gene'. I'm saying this because I have spoken with my husband many times about this....
....and he is a population geneticist.
Bottom line, teach you children about the effects of drugs and alcohol, arm them with the tools they will need to live a happy and healthy life. Please don't feel guilty.
However, you can't get tested for an 'addiction gene'. I'm saying this because I have spoken with my husband many times about this....
....and he is a population geneticist.
Bottom line, teach you children about the effects of drugs and alcohol, arm them with the tools they will need to live a happy and healthy life. Please don't feel guilty.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 31
My thoughts every human is wired to addiction. Look around...food street drugs,prescription drugs, alcohol ,sex ,porn ,gambling ,sports ,exercise ,tv ,computer games ,computers ,cell phones etc we want ,want makes us feel good.Hardly a person will not struggle with some form of addiction. That's why there's no gene.Self control being aware and stopping before you lose power of choice.I know myself Our family loves to gamble. Genetic or learnt? I knew I was losing the ability to enjoy normally. It was not the first year it took hold it was subtle but 10 years later it grabbed me and I was aware and ready and quit before it destroyed me. Be aware and not proud. Also It was the secret that held me in the addiction.The are just MNSHO .
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Self-Blame
We blame ourselves for provoking unwanted behavior. We might say, "If I had approached him differently, then he would not have..." Or "She did that, but I did this." To overcome being stuck in self-blame, we need to feel our sorrow. Sorrow assists us in recognizing what we cannot change. By feeling powerless to change our partner, we stop imagining that we are responsible for his or her mistreatment.
Funny I was just thinking about this today in regards to a bizarre phone interaction I had with a friend the other week. For me, it seems like between crisis prevention trainings at work over the years, and reading books non violent communication, it’s tempting to believe if only I had said this or that, or phrased things a different way, my interaction may have gone better. But really, when you are dealing with someone who is drunk or high, sometimes the best interaction is no interaction- don’t even get into with someone who is impaired and high as kite. Thanks for the bump on the thread, trailmix, I needed to hear this today.
We blame ourselves for provoking unwanted behavior. We might say, "If I had approached him differently, then he would not have..." Or "She did that, but I did this." To overcome being stuck in self-blame, we need to feel our sorrow. Sorrow assists us in recognizing what we cannot change. By feeling powerless to change our partner, we stop imagining that we are responsible for his or her mistreatment.
Funny I was just thinking about this today in regards to a bizarre phone interaction I had with a friend the other week. For me, it seems like between crisis prevention trainings at work over the years, and reading books non violent communication, it’s tempting to believe if only I had said this or that, or phrased things a different way, my interaction may have gone better. But really, when you are dealing with someone who is drunk or high, sometimes the best interaction is no interaction- don’t even get into with someone who is impaired and high as kite. Thanks for the bump on the thread, trailmix, I needed to hear this today.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Bump for those who haven't seen this yet.
It's from the stickies section at the top of the forum. Lots of good threads up there, especially in the Classic Reading section (About Recovery/Classic Reading):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
It's from the stickies section at the top of the forum. Lots of good threads up there, especially in the Classic Reading section (About Recovery/Classic Reading):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by trailmix 
bump for those who haven't seen this yet.
It's from the stickies section at the top of the forum. Lots of good threads up there, especially in the classic reading section (about recovery/classic reading):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
It's from the stickies section at the top of the forum. Lots of good threads up there, especially in the classic reading section (about recovery/classic reading):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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