denny57

OK, if anyone is going to that open stag this Thursday, don't be trying to figure out who I am LOL!!!!!!!

I just want to comment that some of the nicest men I've met in program attend that meeting - many of them say it is because they have felt safe discussing their "stuff" without the presence of women. That is not an anti-woman stance - in fact, it's their desire to have more meaningful relationships with the women in their lives and they don't feel they can get to the core of who they are if they have to follow the "rules" society demands when men and women mix. I am sharing only what I have been told, and in no way speak for every man in that room.

There are many places I could take a stance for women. I don't need to do it at a meeting that so many men find safe and helpful. Why on earth would I want to disrupt that?

I hope I got this out right. I think I may have taken the thread off topic and if so, I apologize to donalarmagh.

socalgal

Ditto what denny57 said, all of it! I think it is an important meeting for a lot of men, and I, too, would hate to see that disrupted. Thanks, Denny57.

-K

hope2bhappy

Maybe I'm over simplifying this... but why doesn't your group just put a "men only" sign on the door? Perhaps she doesn't understand the word "stag." Short of that, one of you could stand at the door, and when she shows up, you tell her "Sorry, this group is men only. There's a co-ed meeting over at so-and-so that is very good."

I guess I don't understand how this works. But I also don't understand why somebody just doesn't tell her.

embraced2000

i think her sponsor needs to set her straight.....there could be all kinds of reasons she is attending this meeting.....the first one that leaps out is that maybe she is enjoying being the only woman there......not good.

she needs to be told, plain and simply, and privately....are you aware this is a mens only meeting??

there are many times that i would not have been comfortable sharing with a coed group.....there's a time and place for everything....she's overstepping the boundries....imo. for what reason i don't know...but given the benefit of the doubt....she should be informed privately of the nature of the meeting.

my guess is that she knows. but that is the codie in me projecting.

Mr. Christian

Um, yeah she knows.
I think it’s funny, if you think about it, you are trying to control another’s actions.
What step is this???

embraced2000

mr c....would you purposely attend a womens only al-anon meeting that was listed on the schedule for women only?

or would you respect that the guidelines were set for that meeting as for women only?

Mr. Christian

As I said before, we here in our area welcome ALL.
It's up to those who run the meeting to greet and find the reason she is there.

embraced2000

ok....i'm confused. on our schedules here where i live, there are numerous al-anon listings for a nearby city. they all fall into different categories....of which i can understand would emcompass many people.....kinda like cross referencing.

but there are meetings in the brochure that state specifically for men's meeting, or women's meeting. i have always thought that meant exactly what it said. but i haven't had much experience going to any of these meetings except my own little home meeting. so i really don't know the guidelines....

so, if it specifies womens or mens only, it really doesn't mean that at all?

i really would like to know....it seems self-explanatory to me. maybe i'm missing something here?

Mr. Christian

No it’s you are correct. BUT, and I do mean a big but, I have run both stag and other meetings and if it is not a group problem or a big disturbance it’s not the end of the world.

Some people are just wound up tighter then others.
We are in fact all there for the same thing.

embraced2000

i see.

hope2bhappy

I don't know, Mr. C. Maybe this is more of a boundaries issue. Evidentally, they feel she has crossed one.

Mr. Christian

well it's always been a here anf there thing.
Nobody shows every week. I guess it more of a person to person issue. I suggest that if someone is really bothered by it they should talk to their sponsor and work though it.
I myself think there are more important things in life and this should not be one to loose sleep over.

Nuff said.

denny57

Nice judgment there, Mr. C. Why are you making that assumption?

Mr. Christian

Thank you Denny I do try.

embraced2000

this is my opinion only......we expect the alcholics in our lives to respect our boundries. if they do not respect our boundries, and we are healthy enough, we take action.

i think it is only fitting that we respect others boundries. if it says it is a mens only meeting.....then we should respect that. it is a mens only meeting for a reason.

we have spent too many years having our own boundries stepped on....thus, i'm very aware of others boundries now, and try to respect them.

imho.....this lady may be knowingly entering a mens only meeting....i would have to question the intent. for instance.....if she is so blatantly ignoring the guidelines of the meetings....mens only.....what else in her life is she using the same approach with.....

i may be wound tighter than others, too, then......because it would bother me if i went to a womens only meeting and there were men present.

socalgal

Why do they specify the type of meeting in the directory if in fact all meetings are open to all people? Why bother stating that a meeting is a mens' meeting or a womens' meeting, etc. if this really isn't the case? This is confusing to me. If I see that a meeting is for women I may choose it specifically for that reason.

Also, doesn't the first tradition apply to this problem? It seems that if a greater number of men could benefit by this woman not being there then the matter should be settled. I guess a group conscience is in order. The common welfare of the group should come first.

-K

Mr. Christian

Then a group conscience should be done as stated before.
But as we all know we live in a society that does not discriminate.

Legally you can not keep anyone out of anything based on religion, race, color, gender and so on.
I think this is a non- issue.

Guidelines are just that to guide but the bottom line is that she was allowed to stay the group, as a whole did not have an issue.

denny57

Mr. C, I really don't understand what you're saying with your posts. You say you "ran" some meetings. No one runs a meeting, as I'm sure you know. Also, a group doesn't rise up when someone walks in the room and yell "get out!" How on earth do you know that the group as a whole did not have an issue? You're confusing me!

golden4life

As a woman, I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to want a Men Only meeting. I think if a man showed up at a Women Only meeting, the women would expect him to find a new meeting and not many would argue that he had a "right" to be there.

I have no idea if her intentions are honorable in attending, and it probably is a good idea to have a Men Only sign in the future (stag means too many things). It is possible that she isn't familiar with Al-Anon, can't find transportation, etc. For this reason it might be important to tell her in a supportive way.

Have you considered letting another woman tell her? It might soften the blow. Perhaps the open meeting would be a good opportunity, especially if one of those women (wife, girlfriend, etc.) usually attended a different Al-anon meeting nearby...sort of like an invite.

Just a thought.

Mr. Christian

Gee Denny,
Sorry it’s so confusing for you.

Let’s break it down.

1. You lead a meeting: every week there is a new leader.
2. No one asked her leave. If someone had an issue I’m sure they would have brought it up to the leader of the meeting or the secretary.

Cant be any easier then that.