Persefany

Hi - I just found this forum and it seems like a good place to come and talk and throw ideas around. So here's my story. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now, and his drinking always bothered me a little, and I've said things to him in the past. He didn't actually get drunk often, but when he did he would get obnoxious and stubborn. When he doesn't drink, he's truly one of the most caring people I have ever known.

So, anyway, this past Thursday night we were in the bedroom, he had had quite a bit to drink and said he was done for the night. I told him I was going to get myself a lemonade and he said could I get him another drink, and I said "Babe, you said you were done." He then grabbed my neck and said "You're going to go make me another drink." I was so pissed and so scared, I pushed him away from me and yelled at him, and he got angry because he didn't remember doing it, and said I was lying. He passed out about ten minutes later. I was up most of the night crying, terrified, I had no idea what to do. In the morning I called my parents and told them what happened, and they bought me a plane ticket to fly me back home. He doesn't remember doing it but was horrified when I told him and burst into tears. I have been talking to him everyday, and his 'uncle' who has been clean and sober for years and years is acting as his pseudo-sponsor. He will do anything for me, so I know he will do his best to not pick up another drink. He realises what he has done. I love him so much and want to share my life with him. I guess I'm just wondering what to expect, if I'm 'doing the right thing' (whatever that is), and really just gain some perspective. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, but I want to be there for him with this, and, in the lnog run, be with him. I'm sorry this was so long, and I'm not even sure I got all my thoughts out. I guess it's still a beginning, and that's enough for now.

Thanks.

StandingStrong

Welcome to SR persefany.

(((persefany))) You have invested 6 months of your life with someone that has a drinking problem. What you'll find in regards to this is that it's progressive and it can/and usually does get worse.

I understand your pain right now and know that you want more than anything to be with this man and that you love him with all of your heart. But I really suggest that you give this a lot of thought. Living with an alcoholic or someone that can't handle their binges is a rollercoaster ride of pain, hurt, sadness, and grief, and many other emtions.

There really is nothing you can do to "help" him with this problem. HIS recovery is up to HIM! He has to decide that he wants to deal with this problem and he has to want to do it for himself - not for you or anyone else. And as much as his tears speak to you as well as the words....actions truly are the best indicator of his recovery. Is he attending AA meetings or just talking to his uncle? And while he may seem sincere now (and I'm sure he is), TIME is also very important here. This is not something that can be fixed quickly.

If you can, you might want to attend Alanon meetings. As well as read up on the subject of alcoholism.
And just for fun, you might want to ask yourself why you want to be with a man that has caused this much pain to you in such a short amount of time. It's surprising when we ask ourselves why we love a person who treats us this way, just what our answers are. At least I was surprised.

I hope that you'll continue to come here and read as much as you can. There are "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum with some really informative information. I suggest you read them as well.

P.S. You did do the right thing in leaving. Please don't ever second-guess yourself on that. He abused you. Leaving was definately the right thing to do.

Persefany

Thanks for your quick and thorough reply, StandingStrong.

I know I can't help him, and that it is something he must do on his own and for himself. I just know that there are women with A husbands who stand by them, and I'm sure in some situations maybe they shouldn't, and in others it's an attestation to the couple's dedication and commitment to fighting the alcoholism and making their lives work as best they can. Maybe it's 'always' foolish, but I can't believe that. Maybe that's my own stubornness. I can't say for sure.

I will definitely be reading up and doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching in the next ... forever, probably, lol. I'm just not ready to give up on him. I know that he can do it. I also know it won't be easy.

Like you said, time will be key, and I know that. It also may be what makes this hardest.

Thanks again.

Zoey

Welcome Persefany, This is a great site, lots to learn, try to read all the threads, most of us thought it had to work out, once in a while it might, but addiction is very powerful.

This is hard to believe and hard to say, but when fighting to overcome addiction, it is best done alone, as relationships cause emotional problems which can trip them up. Thats why I suggest you do a lot of research, try Al-Anon meetings, open AA meetings, read read and read.

All sugestions, take what you want and leave the rest.
caring hugs, as I know the heartbreak.

Persefany

Thank you so much, Zoey.

I'll tell you guys, it's a good thing I'm such a bookworm

::

newenglandgirl

((((Persefany))))
Hi there, welcome to SR. Nice to meet you. Sorry you gotta be going through all this. Hey, you've come to the right place to learn lots and get support. I don't know how I would have survived without the knowledge and kindness here. So please keep posting and reading

I know what you are feeling is confusing. What you are feeling is very common. But, sweetie, you have to face reality. This is your life we're talking about.

Have you read any books yet about the psychology of battered women? I think you should. I'm not saying that you are a battered woman (yet)...but you still wanting to be with him is NOT healthy. IMHO. I'm not judging you! I ran back to my AH so many times after he did really messed up stuff. Trust me, no one's gonna judge you here. The important thing is that you try to figure out why you are willing to tolerate such unacceptable behavior from a supposed loved one. I know you left him (this time)...but what happens the next time?

You've only been with him for 6 months and he's ALREADY exhibiting very dangerous behavior.

What would you advise a friend who went through what you did?

What is it about your relationship that is so wonderful that you'd be willing to be there for him after what he's done?

You got your whole life ahead of you...do you honestly want to be with a man who has the potential to be violent (who HAS been violent)? Trust what you read here...alcoholism is a progressive disease. That means that if you go back to him, there's lots more to come. I'm sorry Persefany.

Have you ever thought of seeing a therapist? It has helped me tremendously. I highly recommend doing it.

Please let us know how you are doing

Mr. Christian

Hi,
You say they bought you a ticket to go home, did you go?
If not get your butt on the plane.

If he gets sober, give him a year at it then you can talk getting back with him.


I know you will say, “But I love him…”, but love yourself a little more.

lovemypup

The day my husband of 27 yrs put his hands to my throat is the day my whole world came crashing down. This was the man who had always been there for me and cared for me. I stayed with him through all the drinking and learned to live with it. This is the day that changed my life. The man that I trusted with my life was now the man I was afraid may take my life.
I stayed for a year after that but it was never the same. Even though he never laid a hand on me again, it was just never the same. He never stopped drinking after the incident either. He apologized and felt bad but I had a problem with it from then on.
You have only been with this man for a short time and he has done this to you. You have a problem with this so Please take your life back now.

ICU

Welcome to SR Persefany. I thanked you in your original post by accident, meant to hit 'quote'. Anyway....

This is what is referred to as "RED FLAGS". As I see it, there are 2 issues here, his drinking AND his violence. They are seperate issues and they are HIS issues.

He might not have remembered doing that to you if he was in a blackout. But blackouts are not an excuse for behaving violently. He also might not have been in a blackout and remembered doing it, but just denied it to you. You'll probably never know which one it is.

Your parents did the right thing by sending you a plane ticket. Did you use it?

I understand your confusion, your feelings for him, etc. I truly do. Been there myself. The only thing you can do is to keep yourself safe. Broken hearts can mend...broken necks are another story.

I know how hard it is to sort through all this stuff. It took me a long time. But I'm glad to see you are reaching out. His behavior obviously bothered you enough to seek help. Good for you! Keep reading and posting here. You've found a great place!

denny57

Welcome to SR Persefany; lots of good advice already.

I'm not sure what a pseudo-sponsor is or does; if he'll do anything for you, you have a great opportunity to tell him he needs to get into a program of recovery; seek individual therapy for his abusive tendencies; and never, never, touch alcohol again. Have you had that discussion with him?

Keep posting. Glad you're here!

lilac

Welcome !!!! There are lots of very knowing and caring people here.

Keep posting.

parentrecovers

Welcome, look forward to getting to know you! Blessings, K

an'ka

Ok, Persefany, this is what I would tell my daughter--jump on the plane and don't look back! Drinking and violence go hand in hand, but drinking is not always the cause of violence. As cliche as it sounds, if your boyfriend did this once, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. This is a fact. And every time it happens, he will be remorseful and you will come up with an excuse or reason why it will not happen again, but it will, and it will escalate. So, my best advice to you is to pack your bags and leave. He may be the most wonderful human on the face of this planet, BUT he's got an abusive streak in him and he is still drinking. Don't ruin your life.

atalose

I think you are receiving some wonderful advise. I too see alot of red flags which don't seem to be jumping out at you right now.
1. the violence
2. his drinking to the point of blacking out
3. your relationship is only 6 months new, too soon for you to know you want to spend the rest of your life with this man.
This one incident happened at 6 months, addiction is progressive and there is always the possibility of relapse.
He is wanting to get clean right now to keep you from leaving him, that's also abuse in a controlling way. If he is serious about getting clean, he needs to do it because he wants that for himself not a relationship.
Keep reading, attend alanon if possible and also read about co-dependency.

losinghim

I have always wanted people to be blunt with my... so you can take my reply or just read it and shove it off. It's your choice, I have been there and shoved some replies off and now I wish I hadn't. I'm still with him and it does progress. And I have had the hand on the throat and it has happened again even after he swore it wouldn't. I'm not a small girl and I am athletic, so he has been scared to do more than try to choke me. so far. I wish I was in your position and could get on that plane and go. We are married. We have been together for 11 1/2 years. It's very hard to leave and I KNOW I should leave, and have a place to go, but just can't do it yet. He will not stop with you there. And you will find someone better and won't have to worry in 10 years if he will have a relapse. Don't even talk to him and go on with your life. Pray about him, but move on and don't get stuck like we are.

Like I said, just my personal opinion and experience... take what you want and leave the rest