Anyone know how long it take for libido to return after recovery?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, California
Posts: 15
Anyone know how long it take for libido to return after recovery?
Hi all, This is almost embarrassing to write, but I'm wondering if anyone has seen their partner (or themself) lose complete interest in sex while drinking, then get their sex drive back after starting recovery.
My husband has been drinking HEAVILY for 2 years and has had no interest in sex at all during that time. He's been sober over a week now (he says) and I'm wondering if/when his interest in sex will return,
Can you please tell me what your experience has been?
Thanks!
My husband has been drinking HEAVILY for 2 years and has had no interest in sex at all during that time. He's been sober over a week now (he says) and I'm wondering if/when his interest in sex will return,
Can you please tell me what your experience has been?
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
We have just had 2 threads on this topic. Wish I could remember the topic,
gance at pgs 2and 3 maybe you can find them.
I think each person is different, possible some have problems with impotence (sp?) which might call for seeing a Dr.
This is another strange condition that goes with alcoholism.
The others should be by to share. My hubby had no problem, so I have no experence.
gance at pgs 2and 3 maybe you can find them.
I think each person is different, possible some have problems with impotence (sp?) which might call for seeing a Dr.
This is another strange condition that goes with alcoholism.
The others should be by to share. My hubby had no problem, so I have no experence.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Hello and sorry tallgrl. I had to snicker because I noticed how long this post sat without a reply. I thought, geeeeeeze, it's not looking like anyone has has experienced a return of libido. Uggggg.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: The South
Posts: 6
Hello,
If you find out let me know. I felt this was just my AH having this problem, but I guess not. It always made me feel like he wasn't attracted me. Which caused even more problems. Like everything else.
If you find out let me know. I felt this was just my AH having this problem, but I guess not. It always made me feel like he wasn't attracted me. Which caused even more problems. Like everything else.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Sadly, sobriety did not lead to a return of my boyfriend's libido. He has been unable to perform for about 4 years now. In his case, his alcoholism led to diabetes, which caused neuropathy, and heart failure--both physical conditions that can lead to impotence. Though I have seen many folks on the alcoholism board who have healed physically and spiritually and had a full recovery in that department.
I think each person's physiology is unique, and many others will stop by and share their stories soon. Hopefully their stories can offer more hope than mine.
I think each person's physiology is unique, and many others will stop by and share their stories soon. Hopefully their stories can offer more hope than mine.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I will share what I know and what I have learned from my AA friends both male and female.
In general, when first in recovery, sex is at the BOTTOM of the priority list. I was going through so many feelings and emotions and the fog was so heavy and thick in my hand that sex wasn't even a word yet alone an action.
For me, my libido started returning at about 7 or 8 months, in that sex started to become just a 'nice idea' lol.
Some of my male friends have shared that with some of them it was well over a year. First, they were very involved in trying to learn how to live sober and dealing with emotions and feelings that they had numbed for years and years. Second was the fear, would they be able to perform, how to act, how to express themselves, etc etc. Third, those still in a relationship (both males and females) felt so guilty for the pain and hurt that they had cause, they felt unworthy of even approaching their partner.
Now let me also say that I have know just as many that continued their same old ways.
So.........................it's a toss up. However, I must stress that I believe without a doubt that it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, it is all the recovering alcoholics problem. It's not that you are not desireable. It's not that they can't stand you. It's more that they cannot stand themselves.
J M H O
Hope that helps and doesn't cloud the issue further.
Love and hugs,
In general, when first in recovery, sex is at the BOTTOM of the priority list. I was going through so many feelings and emotions and the fog was so heavy and thick in my hand that sex wasn't even a word yet alone an action.
For me, my libido started returning at about 7 or 8 months, in that sex started to become just a 'nice idea' lol.
Some of my male friends have shared that with some of them it was well over a year. First, they were very involved in trying to learn how to live sober and dealing with emotions and feelings that they had numbed for years and years. Second was the fear, would they be able to perform, how to act, how to express themselves, etc etc. Third, those still in a relationship (both males and females) felt so guilty for the pain and hurt that they had cause, they felt unworthy of even approaching their partner.
Now let me also say that I have know just as many that continued their same old ways.
So.........................it's a toss up. However, I must stress that I believe without a doubt that it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, it is all the recovering alcoholics problem. It's not that you are not desireable. It's not that they can't stand you. It's more that they cannot stand themselves.
J M H O
Hope that helps and doesn't cloud the issue further.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Pahrump, NV
Posts: 3
I was beginning to think I was all alone, my AH has been sober for 5 months, and has had no desire, he won't talk about it and I don't want to make him feel any worse about it I understand that it is a whole new world for him being sober. It is very difficult, when he was drinking it was like an addiction. Now all of sudden nada. I feel guilty about even talking about here. We talk about everything else in regards to his sobriety but never a mention of anything sexual. Just recently, he has started to be a little more affectate, so I think I just need to bit the bullet and be more patient. It is very, very difficult. It is very reassuring to know that I am not alone and have someone to talk about with.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: East Coast
Posts: 45
Good question. My AW is now about 6 months sober and has very little interest in sex, at least with me. She met someone in rehab and started an affair with them. For the past 5 months, its been a roller coaster not only for her recovery but the infidelity.
I struggle everyday with giving her space and working my own recovery. She tells me that she loves me but is not ready to face our relationship right now. While I can accept this based on her recovery needs and what I've learned from this site, reading a lot, and going to Alanon, it's very difficult to accept knowing that she's emotionally and has been physical with someone else. Its more of the "forked tongue" language of an addict.
I'm very concerned for her recovery and feel that she is bound to relapse given her current behavior. There's not a whole lot I can do about it though and need to focus on me, but it's not easy.
I'm sorry for your situation but know exactly how you feel. As someone stated earlier, if it's meant to be it will be. Give him his space and work on you and your issues from his addiction. You will be in a better place to either work on your relationship with him or move on with a healthy outlook.
I struggle everyday with giving her space and working my own recovery. She tells me that she loves me but is not ready to face our relationship right now. While I can accept this based on her recovery needs and what I've learned from this site, reading a lot, and going to Alanon, it's very difficult to accept knowing that she's emotionally and has been physical with someone else. Its more of the "forked tongue" language of an addict.
I'm very concerned for her recovery and feel that she is bound to relapse given her current behavior. There's not a whole lot I can do about it though and need to focus on me, but it's not easy.
I'm sorry for your situation but know exactly how you feel. As someone stated earlier, if it's meant to be it will be. Give him his space and work on you and your issues from his addiction. You will be in a better place to either work on your relationship with him or move on with a healthy outlook.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
Posts: 34
My AH can't figure out why just after maintaining a bit of sobriety (like a week) I have NO interest in resuming our sexual relations. It is extremely hard for me to get past the physical and psychological memories of his drinking.
More often than not, his relapses centered on our sex life. He uses sex as a barometer of his own worthiness. I, personally, find it a complete turn-off (his drinking/sex issues) and am not so eager to return to a "normal" sexual relationship until he comes to grips with his issues surrounding drinking/sex. I realize this may never happen. He is completely unable or unwilling to examine this aspect of his emotional problems, along with all of his other emotional issues. (According to him, he doesn't have any!!!!!!!)
In early December '06, he relapsed once again. We had made reservations to go into San Francisco for our annual holiday getaway. When making the reservations, I thought about taking the higher room rates that had cancellation options. Something told me that there was trouble brewing with the A. But, we went ahead with the lower, uncancellable rate. After his relapse, I told him that I was not willing to resume ANY type of physical relationship with him until he could comes to terms with his issues. He wanted to cancel the trip but at the last minute changed his mind.
There was no sex during our trip and this really pissed him off. I gave him fair warning of what to expect and he seemed to accept it at the time.
Now, 2 months later, he's relapsed once again, and what do I hear? "I can't believe during our trip into the city you didn't want to have sex with me. I want some passion from you." Huh? What is it you didn't understand when I told you in December how I felt about this issue. I realize it's the drinking talking, but boy does it get old real fast.
Poor AH, poor AH, pour AH a drink. And that's exactly what he does.
Off topic, but this triggered something in me. Thanks for listening.
Karen
More often than not, his relapses centered on our sex life. He uses sex as a barometer of his own worthiness. I, personally, find it a complete turn-off (his drinking/sex issues) and am not so eager to return to a "normal" sexual relationship until he comes to grips with his issues surrounding drinking/sex. I realize this may never happen. He is completely unable or unwilling to examine this aspect of his emotional problems, along with all of his other emotional issues. (According to him, he doesn't have any!!!!!!!)
In early December '06, he relapsed once again. We had made reservations to go into San Francisco for our annual holiday getaway. When making the reservations, I thought about taking the higher room rates that had cancellation options. Something told me that there was trouble brewing with the A. But, we went ahead with the lower, uncancellable rate. After his relapse, I told him that I was not willing to resume ANY type of physical relationship with him until he could comes to terms with his issues. He wanted to cancel the trip but at the last minute changed his mind.
There was no sex during our trip and this really pissed him off. I gave him fair warning of what to expect and he seemed to accept it at the time.
Now, 2 months later, he's relapsed once again, and what do I hear? "I can't believe during our trip into the city you didn't want to have sex with me. I want some passion from you." Huh? What is it you didn't understand when I told you in December how I felt about this issue. I realize it's the drinking talking, but boy does it get old real fast.
Poor AH, poor AH, pour AH a drink. And that's exactly what he does.
Off topic, but this triggered something in me. Thanks for listening.
Karen
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Karen,
I hope I'm not intruding. My wife knows exactly how you feel. Over twenty years ago she got tired of having sex with a drunk. In fact, we got into our last argument about it a 2:00 AM on June 6, 1986. Our argument turned into a heated discussion, which turned into a conversation. She looked at me with pleading eyes and said, "Why don't you get some help?" At that moment, I believe God removed the complusion to drink from me. I called someone in AA who told me to call any time I wanted to stop.
We took our kids to DisneyWorld the following week and the week after that I entered a treatment program. It's twenty years later now and things couldn't be much better.
Stay true to yourself, don't give in. Pray for him every day. Since you're in Al Anon I won't get into the program with you because you've probably heard it all by now. You have my sincerest hope that your AH is blessed with a desire to stop.
I hope I'm not intruding. My wife knows exactly how you feel. Over twenty years ago she got tired of having sex with a drunk. In fact, we got into our last argument about it a 2:00 AM on June 6, 1986. Our argument turned into a heated discussion, which turned into a conversation. She looked at me with pleading eyes and said, "Why don't you get some help?" At that moment, I believe God removed the complusion to drink from me. I called someone in AA who told me to call any time I wanted to stop.
We took our kids to DisneyWorld the following week and the week after that I entered a treatment program. It's twenty years later now and things couldn't be much better.
Stay true to yourself, don't give in. Pray for him every day. Since you're in Al Anon I won't get into the program with you because you've probably heard it all by now. You have my sincerest hope that your AH is blessed with a desire to stop.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
Posts: 34
Golfman,
It wasn't so much having sex with a drunk, because when he drinks, he's a total blackout drunk. He is (I think) in the advanced stages of his disease.
Most of our problems centered around what his expectations of our sex life should be. If I was tired, didn't feel good, or just plain wasn't interested, he would start in with his poor me tirade. God forbid it was about me, it all became about him. How I didn't find him attractive, I wasn't passionate, etc. We went to marital counseling, but he could not get past the way things were when we were dating, and the reality of a married life with 2 kids (mine from a previous marriage) and a house to maintain.
Again, these are his emotional problems that he can't or won't confront and we just can't get past it. I moved out over 3 months ago so that we could both get some recovery without the day to day pressures and interruptions that caused so much of his problems. But, the undeniable truth is, even with me not living at home, he has not chosen recovery of any type as an option for his life. He continues to drink and lie about it. I must have fallen off the turnip truck yesterday!! He hasn't worked in over 6 years and I don't know that he is really capable of working. I mean, I know he can work, but I don't think that he really wants to. Too much reality in having to get up everyday and be accountable to someone else for your productivity and the very real possibilty of failure.
Thanks for your kind thoughts.
Karen
OP - I don't mean to hijack your post....take care of yourself and I hope things work out for you and your A.
It wasn't so much having sex with a drunk, because when he drinks, he's a total blackout drunk. He is (I think) in the advanced stages of his disease.
Most of our problems centered around what his expectations of our sex life should be. If I was tired, didn't feel good, or just plain wasn't interested, he would start in with his poor me tirade. God forbid it was about me, it all became about him. How I didn't find him attractive, I wasn't passionate, etc. We went to marital counseling, but he could not get past the way things were when we were dating, and the reality of a married life with 2 kids (mine from a previous marriage) and a house to maintain.
Again, these are his emotional problems that he can't or won't confront and we just can't get past it. I moved out over 3 months ago so that we could both get some recovery without the day to day pressures and interruptions that caused so much of his problems. But, the undeniable truth is, even with me not living at home, he has not chosen recovery of any type as an option for his life. He continues to drink and lie about it. I must have fallen off the turnip truck yesterday!! He hasn't worked in over 6 years and I don't know that he is really capable of working. I mean, I know he can work, but I don't think that he really wants to. Too much reality in having to get up everyday and be accountable to someone else for your productivity and the very real possibilty of failure.
Thanks for your kind thoughts.
Karen
OP - I don't mean to hijack your post....take care of yourself and I hope things work out for you and your A.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
[QUOTE=narekkm;1206363]
He is (I think) in the advanced stages of his disease.
Narekkm,
I think you're right. I hope he's not taking you and your children down with him. You know what the right thing to do is. Protect yourself and the kids, you don't deserve to be left hanging while he wastes away. Unfortunately, most alcoholics never get help. I pray that your AH does. I know you have lots of support around you. You just may have to leave him permanently to get your life back. Keep using these posts. At least you'll be able to get it all out with folks who understand. God bless you.
Ed
He is (I think) in the advanced stages of his disease.
Narekkm,
I think you're right. I hope he's not taking you and your children down with him. You know what the right thing to do is. Protect yourself and the kids, you don't deserve to be left hanging while he wastes away. Unfortunately, most alcoholics never get help. I pray that your AH does. I know you have lots of support around you. You just may have to leave him permanently to get your life back. Keep using these posts. At least you'll be able to get it all out with folks who understand. God bless you.
Ed
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
......and just where you might be, glass??? lolololo
libido was never a prob with xh....but now i see it may have actually been a problem. now i can see he was just using sex instead of alcohol. which suited me just fine at the moment, cause.......well......cause......he was so tall. so tall and gorgeous. and i have always been a short man magnet. and he was tall.
did i mention he was tall???
so, no his libido did not suffer at all.....however, i can see that it was an issue now that i have my head outta my hind end.
libido was never a prob with xh....but now i see it may have actually been a problem. now i can see he was just using sex instead of alcohol. which suited me just fine at the moment, cause.......well......cause......he was so tall. so tall and gorgeous. and i have always been a short man magnet. and he was tall.
did i mention he was tall???
so, no his libido did not suffer at all.....however, i can see that it was an issue now that i have my head outta my hind end.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by narekkm 
Golfman,
Most of our problems centered around what his expectations of our sex life should be. If I was tired, didn't feel good, or just plain wasn't interested, he would start in with his poor me tirade. God forbid it was about me, it all became about him. How I didn't find him attractive, I wasn't passionate, etc. We went to marital counseling, but he could not get past the way things were when we were dating, and the reality of a married life with 2 kids (mine from a previous marriage) and a house to maintain.
Most of our problems centered around what his expectations of our sex life should be. If I was tired, didn't feel good, or just plain wasn't interested, he would start in with his poor me tirade. God forbid it was about me, it all became about him. How I didn't find him attractive, I wasn't passionate, etc. We went to marital counseling, but he could not get past the way things were when we were dating, and the reality of a married life with 2 kids (mine from a previous marriage) and a house to maintain.
All part of what alcoholism does to lives...........quack,quack,boo-hoo of the alcoholic about how life SHOULD be and how it's/we're not living up to his ideas and ideals.... Sad,frustrating,etc.,etc.ad nauseum.... FWIW, my AH didn't like it that it wasn't "fun" anymore after 25yrs of marriage,2 teenagers(one with heart surgery) and a business to run.....he wanted things to be like when we were dating...
(on some level,no kidding...)Learning to live life on life's terms, I think is what recovery is about. Until then, it's all nonsense.
Hope this didn't hijack either, but I think this is where some of the sexual tension begins and until there is healing,it is hard to become vulnerable to someone who has the potential to emotionally hurt you. JMHO
p.s. One week dry is better than my AH has had,but certainly not sobriety in my book.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, California
Posts: 15
Thanks so much everyone. AH has returned to drinking, so I guess it doesn't matter now. He says he can now control his drinking and isn't an alcoholic. I guess it's time to leave if I EVER want affection and intimacy in my life. Damn this disease!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I guess it's time to leave if I EVER want affection and intimacy in my life.
You deserve a life. We are here for you.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: here a place I need to be
Posts: 30
Oh ya
My ah has been in and out of AA so many times It usually takes about two weeks then I think, he goes on that Viagra or something after a couple weeks of that I'm almost thinking of giving him a drink so he'll leave me alone Haha just kidding
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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You've had lots of great replies so I'll keep it short since I can't add much more other than my own experience.
I would've loved to have had a great sex drive and someone to share it with early in recovery, but looking back on that I doubt my motives would've been very good if I'd had the opportunity. More importantly, in my first year of recovery I was anything but 100% sane, and a sexual encounter might've given me a lame excuse to relapse. Nowadays I look at people that are newly sober and dating in early recovery and it horrifies me to think of what their frame of mind and level of sanity is like. Unless you're a machine without any thoughts, there are too many emotions and feelings that go along with sex or making love that an alcoholic is capable of dealing with. Well, at least an emotional drunk like me anyway.
Hopefully he'll decide to give sobriety another try. If he does maybe you could let him work on his recovery so that someday he'll be able to meet your needs. Some of us do actually become remarkable people in sobriety.
I would've loved to have had a great sex drive and someone to share it with early in recovery, but looking back on that I doubt my motives would've been very good if I'd had the opportunity. More importantly, in my first year of recovery I was anything but 100% sane, and a sexual encounter might've given me a lame excuse to relapse. Nowadays I look at people that are newly sober and dating in early recovery and it horrifies me to think of what their frame of mind and level of sanity is like. Unless you're a machine without any thoughts, there are too many emotions and feelings that go along with sex or making love that an alcoholic is capable of dealing with. Well, at least an emotional drunk like me anyway.
Hopefully he'll decide to give sobriety another try. If he does maybe you could let him work on his recovery so that someday he'll be able to meet your needs. Some of us do actually become remarkable people in sobriety.
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