Astro

Bwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhahahhah.

I needed that laugh today!!

Sunflower

Maybe you should get a boygriend on the side? I mean that in the most respectful way really--if you are going to stay with him I mean...

FormerDoormat

I think when things get to the point where a woman needs a boyfriend on the side, it's time to end the relationship.

JennieDawn

I know this thread is really old but while searching some topics it came up and I am so glad it did.

My husband Started living sober 2.5 years ago. Our sex life stopped immediately. We did begin to get physical again a year later and it stopped again. I could see there was an issue he didn't want to discuss. Now he fell off the wagon six months ago and an abrupt stop again.

He finds excuses gets upset and will not open up to me so I understand. I feel like it is my fault. We just fought over the dumbest things for a week to I think put that wedge between us so we could avoid the topic all together.

Ya at times he will blame me I know that is all lies I know he has emotions and issues happening he just won't talk to me about.

He is back in AA and all is good when he goes to his meetings and he is in a much more positive state. I actually think it is time to open up and talk about things honestly. And I need to let him know I want him and I want him to be comfortable and know I love him. That this will all be knew to the two of us.

CodeJob

JennieDawn,

This has been a huge issue for my marriage. Looking back, it started to be an issue the year he went to rehab. He was having sustainability issues.

After rehab. Nothing. No desire. No physical sign of desire. For months and months. I know I have some posts here about it. He tried a pill sample from MD one time and claimed it made him feel weird. So that was out. I watch those pill commercials and I want to laugh hysterically.

This spring RAH was supposed to start individual counseling about his issues. Whatever they are, all of a sudden couples counseling was not comfortable for him. Then the first appt got cancelled and that was that... He has refused to go to MD (heart disease, testosterone, etc).

Early summer he picked up a second job week nights. Half of my head was proud he is at least responsible and my sex-starved head was like, 'Great. Another avoidance factor.'

So I am terribly starved for intimacy. Right now maybe we get a session once a month and it isn't very satisfying... I start talking to some women friends and it turns out two of them aren't having sex either in their 'normal' relationships. My single friend is having more sex than my other married friend. I am really surprised and thankful these friends of mine were so open with me.

My H and I are good friends and partners. We get along well. We have known each other since we were 11. Married now 21 years.

My counselor suggested to me I could divorce when kid finishes HS. At the time it seemed awfully far away. Staying married allows for stability for kid and finances go much farther together. Now that is a 4 year window. I haven't met anyone, so I just keep on keeping on...

Addiction is very selfish, I miss the lack of intimacy very much. I feel like this is his last ant hill - those big ones in Africa. He buries problems. I suspect he was abused, but there's not a thing I can do. His behavior is pretty classic.

I'm very sorry this is an issue for you. It is very lonely.

Lilro

Ok..... Well we are all adults so I. Just gonna throw this out there.......

My exabf was a SEX MANIAC when he was drinking ( not drunk ) just drinking.... HOLLA!!!!

During the six months that he stopped drinking.... NADA! I guess everyone is different.

LexieCat

I think, too, there's often a lot of self-consciousness for the newly sober. If you're used to enjoying drunk sex (not puking-drunk, but high-as-a-kite, party-down drunk), you might be very attached to the uninhibited way you feel. Take that away, and it can feel very awkward or embarrassing to have sober sex.

Guess I'll find out when/if I ever get into another relationship, lol.

Lilro

When you do Lex we want the update!! Lol.

Mountainmanbob

Give everything at least 6 months to a year.
Bob

LexieCat

#fiftyshadesofsober

Lilro

^^^^lol!!!

dandylion

CodJob.....you bring up an interesting point. I think....(I know)....that a lot of men have been abused...and I mean sexual abuse....growing up. The majority tell no one and live with a lot of shame around the subject of sex and intimacy.
I can remember a show that Oprah did. The entire audience was men...from all walks of life....who had never told a soul. They described their pain that they had kept hidden....and told no one...not even their spouses. Thee was nary a dry eye in the whole group...including Oprah.
The take-away from that group was to tell somebody (a trusted person or therapist) and get a support group and/or therapy to deal with the demons inside that this has caused.
Personally, I have had some men confess this "secret" to me. (friends; patients; a couple of lovers).

CodeJob....I guess that all I am saying is that I am glad you brought up an important topic that is very rarely talked about....often, not even in therapy.
So many men suffer in silence. Such needless suffering...it literally breaks my heart..... There is help for men who have suffered this just as there is for women.
It is still such a "taboo" subject for men in our culture, though....so it is not much advertised.

Thanks for being so open.....

dandylion

Liveitwell

Since we are being so open, I'll share. My ex loved sex with me-and I loved sex with him just as much-we worked pretty damn well in that department. No complaints here-in fact there was a time I got frustrated with him after we first got married bc I wanted more sex!!!! But after years of being told hurtful and disgusting things I was no longer in the mood. I no longer looked forward to even sleeping in the same bed as him bc there was a big chance he'd come to bed drunk and start pawing me-and when I said no I was usually told "you fuckibg suck" or something to that effect. Nobody has ever turned me on like he did. I terribly missed that as our relationship fell apart but in no way will I allow someone inside if me ever again that is lying or in denial. There was no intimacy left. It felt like he just wanted to bang it out and walk away. I felt like a prostitute at times, not his wife. I'm all for keeping it interesting and spicy but this went way further than that. My ex used to tell me if I had sex with him every night he wouldn't have to drink-so it became a weapon, a threat. I'm not sure if I've ever had sex with him when he was not drinking or hungover(still majorly under the influence). I don't know that he would have a sex drive if he ever got sober-it would most likely be another thing he'd have to figure out how to do sober. Anyway, just my thoughts !

searching peace

That is exactly how I feel!