appleblaster

while dating my now exAbf i was asked to keep his drinking a secret from his parents and everyone else.....but most importantly, his parents. keep in mind this is a 30-something year old man. well of course i told them! i'm codependent...that's what we do. oh, i did hold the secret in for many months before it came out. they sort of found out on their own but i did not deny it. i'd been asked several times before and lied for him. i can't believe i actually did that.

it was so frustrating how he expected he could do all of the terrible things he did, drink, use, lie, etc and i had to keep it hush hush. i'm talking about 2 years worth of incident after horrible incident, binge after binge, tickets, wrecks, lies, days sleeping/recovering, etc. i endured it, rationalized it, complained about it, dealt with it then cleaned it up as best i could. then i had to keep it all a secret. grrrrr....

i realize now just how sick i was to put up with the projecting, dissecting of my personality, tirades, blaming, denial, criticism, ridiculously high expectations, lectures, etc. there was a time when i could not imagine my life without him and when we split up a while back i thought i was dying. now i'm just turned off at the thought of him and quite frankly i'm irritated that he would expect anyone to keep his unacceptable behaviour a secret.

Nuudawn

It still completely astounds me how we can attach ourselves to poison...fall in love with it even. For me, well I seek out the toxic in every arena...booze, nicotine, broken men....

I'm in recovery for the booze and broken men....now it's just the nicotine...all in due time.

Emotionally I'm all over the place with detaching from the exAbf (early sobriety contributes to the crying I'm sure). I WISH I could keep a healthy and self loving perspective. Some days I'm there...some days I'm not.

hope2bhappy

"The truth shall set you free!" Doesn't it feel wonderful?! Big step, but SO liberating. Good for you.

appleblaster

i actually felt guilty for 'betraying' his confidence by having this covert relationship w/his parents. i shouldn't have been in that relationship to begin with. the only person i was betraying was myself. but at the same time i'm looking deep within to find the defects that allowed me to stay in that relationship and fight for it's survival. that's like trying to glue the fall leaves back onto the trees.....

it gets better Nuudawn. i don't know if everyone is like this but there's a breaking point. granted, my tolerance is higher than the klondike but when he called me drunk and berated me for all of this i was just turned off. when he threatened me (but said he wouldn't carry it out b/c he promised his parents he wouldn't) that was just a deal-breaker. this is true denial....threatening me when he's the one on parole. he's got so much more to lose than i ever will. i would be scared if i actually ever saw him carry out doing something he said he would do.

appleblaster

oh and hugs to you Nuudawn. i forgot to say that in my earlier post. you are so brave in your recovery and it gives me hope for many things.

lilac

Everybody does get to a breaking point.....my AH's family has no clue yet, but I am detaching and going to let them find out on their own. (((Hugs to you))))