lovemypup

I had a best friend who stuck by me through the whole process of leaving my AH and the divorce. She was always there to listen and advise me when I needed it.
Well last august she did something that I just could not agree with. Unfortunatly I wrote her and told her I did not agree with it and I was hoping she would make the right decision but she didn't. I told her I still want to be her friend even though we do not agree on this. She said she didnt want my un-solicited advise and hasn't spoke to me since.
She has a 16 yr old daughter and they decided to abort the daughters baby. The daughter was 6 months pregnant at the time. I don't even know if that was done legally. I just kept re-playing in my mind how this abortion was done and it sickened me. I just could not stand by her in this decision even though she stood by me through my whole mess.
I dont have many friends left after the divorce and she was one of the only ones. People you think were your friends never call you or could care less about you and with the guilt and stress you are under at the time you don't call them either in fear they want nothing to do with you after you left your AH. What should I do? Just write her off as a friend or try to make amends? I miss her friendship.

Nuudawn

Goodness... that is a very difficult thing to process. Um..wow. I'm actually at a loss for words or insight on this one. My views are staunchly pro-choice but 6 months...wow. It would be very difficult for me to not start spewing opinion on something that yes, would not be my business...not my daughter or would be grandchild etc.
I can only feel for your emotional and moral dilemma...I have no wisdom here other than it truly isn't your business (but believe me I completely understand your position here). What remains is whether or not you can let go of the action you obviously feel quite strongly about. Do not bother with making amends unless you truly forgive.

MsPINKAcres

Under your name you have the words "unconditional love" -
That is hard for any of us to do - Do you think you can try that with your friend? Can you apply the "Take What you like & leave the rest" slogan with your friend?
Only you know if you can do this or not - for some people - that situation with her daughter would bring up painful memories and it would be hard to continue the friendship.
Seek guidance from your HP -
Wishing you peace in whatever your decision may be,
Rita

lovemypup

well the "unconditional love" is the love I get from my pup. She is always there for me and is always happy to see me.
I realized too late that I should have just kept my mouth shut. I know I can put this out of my mind eventually.
Now I am not sure how to approach her to get our friendship back. I dont know if she will even have anything to do with me. How do I go about it?

embraced2000

what is it that YOU want to do?

i would imagine this was a very traumatic decision for her to make with her daughter. it has all sorts of moral issues attached to it, and would create many mixed feelings for all involved.

during hypersensitive times, is when we often need the strongest support.

embraced2000

how about.....i'm sorry that i overstepped my boundries. i love you as my friend, and i want to be here to support you. i miss you. can you consider forgiving me for what i said?

mallowcup

Hummmm, that's a tough one. I think sometimes we all have our core beliefs challenged. I've lost two very good friends for the same sort of reason. One friends husband made a pass at me. Up until that day, he was hitting her and she was pretty sure he was having an affair. She was hurting so much. Do I tell her or not tell her? I couldn't tell her. She was already so depressed and I think he made the pass on purpose, I was a source of strength to her. So many times, she had said she'd have no reason to live if she found out he was being unfaithful.
The other friend came later, my husband and I and her and her husband were very good friends, it was great and fun. She was a bit of a plain Jane and she was so flattered when a guy that worked with us started hitting on her. She wound up having an affair with him. It became impossible for me to look her husband in the face, She even invited this guy over for dinner and expected me to sit there knowing they were playing footsies under the table. Distance turned into more distance as the whole thing turned my stomach. Somehow I knew I would either be a part of the lie or a part of the truth. I confided her indiscretion to another close friend because I felt so burdened by it. I think she brought it back to them because all comunication stopped and we heard from them nearly every day. No explanation. It hurts but I'm not dead. I know in order to keep the friendships I'd have to sell out on my core convictions.
Just as an aside, I agree with you. I think it is illegal. I also think there are couples crying in their prayers for a baby. Worst is that the fetus was viable. It isnt' a judgement, it is a sorrow. The abortion is a "thing" that sits on your heart like an elephant. Maybe we can't name it, but that decision on some level put a barrier between you and her. Could you have supported the decision to save the friendship. That's a hard no. I would never want you to look back feeling like if you had objected, it wouldn't have happened. I'm so sorry your friend burdoned you with this. I think a truly good friend is honest.

outre

If you value the friendship it would make sense to try to make amends. She was there for you in the past to listen, advise, and support you and she seems like a good friend. However, she probably doesn't feel that you've been a good friend to her and that can be difficult to overcome.

Family and friends sometimes make decisions that we don't like, but we can still love and support them even if we don't support their decision(s). In your case your friend stuggled with a decision, you told her how you felt, and she made a choice you didn't like. Your post gives the impression that you feel somehow wronged by her decision; that her choice was somehow harmful to you. This seems like a tough obstacle for friends as it wasn't your decision to make, it had nothing to do with you, and yet you seem to think she did something wrong. Of course you can judge her all you want and you may believe she was wrong, but it wasn't your decision and she is probably offended and upset that her friend was so displeased with her choice.

She didn't make the right decision for whom? For you? She made the right decision for herself and her family and you're not obligated to agree, but you could still support her as a friend. If you value this friendship and want her in your life, reach out to her and tell her how you feel.

tubesk

morally how do you feel about her decision?

morally can you equate/compare that with her standing by you at times?

I think there's a lot we can bend with & take & all... & certain things we can't. & I think those things are different for each of us...

since you miss her friendship maybe talk with her about it? mention that you're still uncomfortable with her decision & still miss her friendship...
maybe talking about it with her would help both of you find a way that the friendship could continue... or a closure to it.

mallowcup

The right decision for whom? I have to say that I'd have to stretch my brain to concince myself this was the right decision for anyone involved. That's the difference, it's none of my business, it's their house not yours, their decision not mine. Ordinarilly, they are entitled to that. They did it anyway, so what difference is there? Only one. They did it with or without our support, so how you felt didn't change their outcome, it only changed yours. Somehow it's linked to the same reason my freindship ended with the woman having the affair. Your letter wasn't just givng unsolicited advice. It was a plea not to do something you couldn't live with. I miss my friend, but I couldn't live with the burden she put on me. She helped you, you are grateful. A part of your own recovery is to be who you were meant to be. You were brave to write the letter, you knew what was at risk and I commend you on being so strong and true to yourself.

BigGirlPanties

When giving unsolicited judgment to anyone, you have got to expect some consequences. Unless she asked for your opinion, it was inappropriate to give it.

Live and let live. Making ammends is the next right thing to do. goodluck.

mallowcup

I think she solicited your opinion when she made you aware of the situation, unless she thought her help would lead to your blind loulaty in which case it wasn't help in the first place. A part of recovery is to learn to think for yourself. If you aren't true to yourself and your own convictions, you may as well have stayed with the alcoholic and all that it requires. She burdoned you with this. If she didn't want your input, she should have never told you about it. Just my opinion, but I think it totally unfair for her have layed this at your doorstep and then expected you to support something so profoundly against your spirit life and the law. You began recovery to claim your own life, not to change masters.

newenglandgirl

Hi lovemypup. I think you've gotten some excellent feedback and advice in these posts.

The only other things that I'd like to add...

It's easy to judge other people and their decisions when we are not the ones going through it.

How would you feel if later on you found out that there were other important factors involved in the decision?

Perhaps they found out that baby was not developing properly and would need at least four open heart surgeries upon being born? What if they found out that the girl's health would be compromised by giving birth? OR what if the girl confided to her mother that the father of her baby was actually someone who raped her? or a family member? We just don't know what they are going through.

Abortion might very well be against what you believe in...but are you going to spend your life judging your friends?

mallowcup

I would ask if there were medical reasons that may have existed because an abortion for any other reason at that gestation is vulgar to me. But that's me. I would have given my opinion if they included me in knowing. I might have offered my opinion in an effort to help her like she helped you. I don't think you were shoving your opinion down her throat. I think you were trying to bring clarity to someone who was faced with a situation. I think you offered your opinion in an effort to be a good friend. This woman obviously means alot to you. There may have been medical reasons but it seems like you would have ben told that along with theri decision. You believe what you believe and all I'm saying is that you shouldnt' feel guilty for having a conviction about the things you believe in. Dr. Laura speaks about abortion and her personal convictions regarding it. If it were my best friends daughter, at 6 mo., I'd have to say something.

lovemypup

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I have been working on keeping my opinions to myself anymore. I am just too honest and thats not always good. Although that is what my friend always told me she admired in me. I guess this time our opinions just differed.
I will try to make some kind of amends. I will reach out. I really don't think she will want to reach back. Just a gut feeling.
I was always there for her also. 23 yrs ago when she was 17 she left home and didnt speak to her parents. She then got pregnant at 18. I was there for her through all that and I even got her back together with her parents.
I also gave her a job in engineering and trained her. She now makes alot of money because of the opportunity I gave to her back then. So we basically have helped each other thru life.

lovemypup

oh and I did state to my friend that I would have agreed on the abortion if the mother or baby's health was at risk.

stone

My gut feeling is that this is a friend you don't want to lose, whether you agree with what she did it was her decison and she was probably hurt that you couldn't support it.
Bottom line is, it was her choice.
As for unsolicited advice, all friends give each other unsolicited advice all the time.
If I were you I would apologise and try to be friends again but it is awkward as you still think she did the wrong thing and if you mention that then you will fall out again.
I think losing good friends is a terrible thing, I need to apologise and try to make ammends to a good friend for something I did.

StandingStrong

She did something you didn't agree with. Okay, for me - I look at the character of a person. I can see where you'd have a problem with someone doing something you felt was wrong in your thoughts of morality.
However, I also believe the part where you say "and i was hoping she would make the right decsion but she didn't" - well, Isn't this kind of controlling behavior? Isn't that saying the same thing as saying you were hoping she'd make the right decision as being the right decision was what YOU thought was right?
I also think that in times of great stress and when we have to make very hard decisions - the last thing we want to hear is something that we may feel is the truth, tests our own beliefs/justifications in what we are doing, and many more emotions. Just as it's easier to get upset with someone for something that may not have anything to do with what we really are upset about. Stress can make us all act a little crazy and over reactive.

You mention in your two posts how each of you has been there for the other through some really tough times. This is what most good friends do. But I also got the impression that perhaps you are feeling badly because you feel that you failed to be beside her when she needed you - and in that, I wonder if you are feeling guilty. In the idea that you've always been there for each other - and are no longer - I have to really question your guilt thoughts as I know that us codies tend to really beat up ourselves much more than the average person.
On that note - I'd think that it would be wise to ask yourself the true reasons why you wish to rekindle this friendship. Is it that you miss HER, or that you miss having a best friend, or is it guilt, or what.

I've also found that while it's been painful to release alot of the people in my life that used to be very dear to me - it was time. Sometimes we grow and we change and we just become different people. I guess I'd suggest also if it would really benefit each of you to try to rekindle that friendship.

And my last thought: I've found that I can (and do) use alot of the tools I've learned throughout my recovery and apply them to many areas of my life - not just with my A. I've learned that I'm a "fixer" and I used to try to control others by my fixing things for them - even if they didn't want to be fixed - LOL. Just thought maybe applying some of the things that you've learned with your recovery may well be beneficial to you in this situation as well.