devil_angel

I was just wondering what people think about getting into a new relationship a few/couple months after splitting up with an alcoholic. Personally I think that a relationship with an A messes up a persons head and basically life in general so that you really need some time to figure everything out, and it might be hard to be in a new relationship when you still have so many issues. But I also wonder if maybe I am making my issues into too big of a deal, and that it might be ok to start a new relationship. I also wonder if a guy might seem better than he really is since I am comparing him to such a polar opposite? On the other hand, I think a nice guy is good for me and I dont want to let a great guy get away. What do you all think about this type of situation?

Crumbs

Are you ready to be in a new relationship. I know that I could not even think about it right now. Only you know if you are ready to be in a relationship. I know that I am still figuring out who I am and what I want. I think that when you don't compare him to your ex you are ready.....

AllTooSober

After my last relationship ended (he wasn't an addict), I was soooo ready for somebody to be nice to me and pay attention to me that I ignored all the red flags that were waving furiously about me, and now I am engaged to an alcoholic.

In hindsight, it would have been better to work on my relationship with myself instead of looking for fulfillment from others.

Not that that's what you're doing... it's just something I felt like sharing.

Zoey

Do you know his family? How long has he lived in your town, and does he have hobbies or interests that have nothing to do with drinking?

denny57

I like that; I can recently see it happening in my own life.

Cynay

Ok, Im being bad but I guess that would depend on how many Alcoholics you have dated... If your like me you have had so much practice that it does not mess your head up too bad !

Just teasing.

hezzie

Go by your track record.

Husband #1 we dated for 3 yrs, I thought he had tried pot in HS and was done with it. We divorced after 4 yrs. He was on pot, lsd, crystal meth. But he didn't drink.

Husband #2 met while going thru my divorce, feel head over heels, saw that him drunk about 3 times prior to getting married (in about 7 months), new he didn't use drugs....Big mistake. We will be married 10 yrs this Spring and I have had more heart ache from him then the first husband.

If you find yourself making bad choices over and over again, then give yourself some time. I know I would.

devil_angel

I totally agree, and this is what I want to do.

devil_angel

I'm pretty positive he is not an alcoholic; at this point I run the other way from anyone remotely like that. I feel hyper-sensitive to anyone who acts like an alcoholic right now. thank goodness. He has a lot of other interests and I know a fair amount about him. I think that the point I am at in my life I may be the problem more than him. Although its hard to know if thats true or just a weird perception. I think too much I guess!

devil_angel

Very true Cynay, I am pretty young and have only been with the one alcoholic.
Hezzie- I dont think I have a bad track record in that sense, although I have dated guys that now I think I could have done better.

I appreciate the replies, I just like hearing others' perspectives!

mallowcup

Why not just date and enjoy the company without labeling it. I would only fear that if you came to care about this guy you would start talking about what you are afraid of,how you feel confused. Argg! I think it's fine to get your feet wet but I'd keep it fun. I strongly agree that the ex is too heavy to drag into a new relationship. I'd draw a line and literally step over it, all that junk is on the other side of the line, leave it there.

CatsTail

I don't know, I'm struggling with the same thing. I don't share the devotion and enthusiasm that the other sid ehas for me and I hope I'm not sending mixed messages....

I'm trying not to compare him to the ex, can't they are too totally different people anyway.

Cat

parentrecovers

keep it simple. dating is fun. blessings, k

newenglandgirl

I have a lot of unfinished business...but that doesn't mean I don't look!
But I'm not even divorced yet. So it really wouldn't be fair to get involved with anyone right now. I have some "baggage" to deal with.

Have you guys ever listened to Dr.Joy Brown? She's a syndicated radio talk show psychiatrist. I think she often gives very practical and wise advice.
Anyways...she always tells her callers that it is best to wait at least a YEAR after the divorce is final to start a new relationship. She really believes in this. She says that we all have lots of sifting through emotions and healing to do and that if we get involved right away, that it might distract us from the work we need to do. Just something to think about.

elizabeth1979

For me, its been 8 months and Ive begun dating.
Not sure how serious of dating it is, but not serious enough for me to be intimate.
I think it takes time and Ive heard it said a year is a good place to start.

lillamy

I think it's always good to take time after a relationship has ended before heading into a new one, regardless of whether or not your ex was an A. Find your footing, be the person you want to be. And be sure that you know who that person is. I'm saying this based on my own experience of tossing myself head-first into a new relationship because it was too much work to get to a place where I was happy, comfortable and strong just being me.

That's how I ended up in the marriage I'm in today.

I don't think there's a given, specific time you "should" wait -- just as I don't think there's a given, specific time you "should" wait if you're widowed. But I'd listen to good friends and family -- if they're telling you it's too early, they might be right. But only you know. I'd just want to be sure I'm dating because I'm ready -- and not because I'm looking for yet another prince on a white horse...

lilac

I think it is always a good idea to take your time. Work on yourself.... and when you quit comparing the new one with the A, maybe you are ready.

I have only been with the one A, so when I am divorced and dating again, I know I have to tread very carefully in my little codie shoes.