He's Not Talking to Me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 4
He's Not Talking to Me
I have been reading the threads here for a couple of weeks now and they have been very helpful but I am now at a loss.
My husband's drinking has been an issue for quite a few years now. He drinks everyday. There have been a few days here and there that he would stop or try to cut back for a couple of days when I told him I couldn't take it anymore but he would always go back to the same thing within a few weeks. He gets home from work a couple of hours before me and by the time I get home he has already had a couple, on an empty stomach and I can see it in his eyes and know that as soon as he opens his mouth he will talk slower and slur his words. He's definitely a functioning alcoholic, has a good job and doesn't miss work and is a loving and caring father and husband. He is not abusive, verbally or physically. He will actually do housework for me while drinking.
He comes from a family of drinkers and just doesn't know how to just have one or two. He drinks until he goes to bed or falls asleep on the couch. On weekends he would start at Noon if I didn't voice my objections. He says he drinks because he likes it - "What's the big deal? - I don't drink and drive, I don't get mean, I am not going out to bars". It's the same argument over and over. I have told him over and over about how tired I am of not having a sober husband to talk to and hang out with and that sometimes I call him at work during the day just to talk to him sober. I tell him that it has gotten to the point where I don't even want to be in the same room with him. These arguments have been going on for the last couple of years and it is really getting old.
A few weeks ago I got really angry because I had to work late and he was pretty toasted when I got home and he was alone with our eleven year old. The next day I told him that he could do what he wants but he is to NEVER drink alone with our son again and that he shouldn't be surprised if he notices I am not spending time with him because I don't like being around him when he drinks and choose not to be around him when he drinks. About 2 days later I came home and he did the same thing again. I blew up at him. I actually left the house, took my son out shopping with me for a couple of hours. I have never done that before and I thought that maybe I would get thru to him that way. The next day he told me he was going to try really, really hard this time. He didn't say whether he was going to stop or control it but it lasted about 2 days. Then he did it again when I went out on a saturday afternoon. I freaked out, swore at him badly, unfortunately my son heard us, and my husband snickered at me when he realized my son heard me swearing at his father. It's like he doesn't even realize that he is the one causing me to act this crazy way. Well he hasn't talked to me since then (about 5 days). I don't think he is drinking either. I tried to talk to him a couple of days ago, saying we need to communicate to work this out ourselves or go to counseling, but he just said "whatever". When I told him that we weren't going to get very far if we didn't talk he just said I don't want to talk about it right now. So I guess maybe he is feels that I am forcing him to quit drinking and that is why he is not talking to me.
But I have been trying to convince him for years that he drinks too much, hoping that he would choose to quit on his own and he hasn't.
I have to admit this not talking thing is getting to me. But I am playing along and not talking to him either but I don't know how long I can do this. I am angry and frustrated and don't know what to do.
My husband's drinking has been an issue for quite a few years now. He drinks everyday. There have been a few days here and there that he would stop or try to cut back for a couple of days when I told him I couldn't take it anymore but he would always go back to the same thing within a few weeks. He gets home from work a couple of hours before me and by the time I get home he has already had a couple, on an empty stomach and I can see it in his eyes and know that as soon as he opens his mouth he will talk slower and slur his words. He's definitely a functioning alcoholic, has a good job and doesn't miss work and is a loving and caring father and husband. He is not abusive, verbally or physically. He will actually do housework for me while drinking.
He comes from a family of drinkers and just doesn't know how to just have one or two. He drinks until he goes to bed or falls asleep on the couch. On weekends he would start at Noon if I didn't voice my objections. He says he drinks because he likes it - "What's the big deal? - I don't drink and drive, I don't get mean, I am not going out to bars". It's the same argument over and over. I have told him over and over about how tired I am of not having a sober husband to talk to and hang out with and that sometimes I call him at work during the day just to talk to him sober. I tell him that it has gotten to the point where I don't even want to be in the same room with him. These arguments have been going on for the last couple of years and it is really getting old.
A few weeks ago I got really angry because I had to work late and he was pretty toasted when I got home and he was alone with our eleven year old. The next day I told him that he could do what he wants but he is to NEVER drink alone with our son again and that he shouldn't be surprised if he notices I am not spending time with him because I don't like being around him when he drinks and choose not to be around him when he drinks. About 2 days later I came home and he did the same thing again. I blew up at him. I actually left the house, took my son out shopping with me for a couple of hours. I have never done that before and I thought that maybe I would get thru to him that way. The next day he told me he was going to try really, really hard this time. He didn't say whether he was going to stop or control it but it lasted about 2 days. Then he did it again when I went out on a saturday afternoon. I freaked out, swore at him badly, unfortunately my son heard us, and my husband snickered at me when he realized my son heard me swearing at his father. It's like he doesn't even realize that he is the one causing me to act this crazy way. Well he hasn't talked to me since then (about 5 days). I don't think he is drinking either. I tried to talk to him a couple of days ago, saying we need to communicate to work this out ourselves or go to counseling, but he just said "whatever". When I told him that we weren't going to get very far if we didn't talk he just said I don't want to talk about it right now. So I guess maybe he is feels that I am forcing him to quit drinking and that is why he is not talking to me.
But I have been trying to convince him for years that he drinks too much, hoping that he would choose to quit on his own and he hasn't.
I have to admit this not talking thing is getting to me. But I am playing along and not talking to him either but I don't know how long I can do this. I am angry and frustrated and don't know what to do.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I feel for you Lew. Your husband may be functioning, not abusive, holds a job etc..but it'll get there whilst you watch the gradual yet steady decline. I'm only 2 months sober myself. I consider myself a high bottom drunk as I too was quite high functioning in an outward way. I was a miserable wreck internally.
Your frustration is completely understandable...your husband is not your husband...he's drunk guy. He is simply not showing up for life and I suspect you miss him terribly. I wouldn't want my child around someone half in the bag either. It is simply unsafe and a horrid example.
As you know, drunks can only decide to get sober themselves. Yep, I suspect he's mad at ya. We are a self centred, blaming kinda sort.
Others with more insight and experience will be along soon. In the meantime, my heart goes out to ya.
Your frustration is completely understandable...your husband is not your husband...he's drunk guy. He is simply not showing up for life and I suspect you miss him terribly. I wouldn't want my child around someone half in the bag either. It is simply unsafe and a horrid example.
As you know, drunks can only decide to get sober themselves. Yep, I suspect he's mad at ya. We are a self centred, blaming kinda sort.
Others with more insight and experience will be along soon. In the meantime, my heart goes out to ya.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
I certainly know this one. I don't know how many times I have come home and found my husband passed out with our 8 yr old daughter...I finally had to say no more..I don't let them home alone and I don't let him driver her anywhere...(not that he would take her anywhere anyway) I too have gotten to the point where I feel like this...that even though for the most part he is not a violent drunk and just usually passes out....I can not take the fact anymore that the person I am married to I can not even have a conversation with because he is usually under the influence of the alcohol....I can't take that anymore. Can I ever just have one full day where he doesn't have to drink.....!! I understand where you are coming from...he too will not talk for periods of time...I don't care anymore...I use to feel guilty like it was somehow my fault...not anymore. I think we each come to a breaking point...I know I have reached mine.
Finding Me Again
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Panama City Florida
Posts: 38
Lew, I know you are frustrated, we are here for you. I agree with Nuudawn, your husband is NOT your husband. A drunk cannot understand, be there for you or anything. They think they are living but aren't. Ya know! Stay strong, prays and hugs to you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Wow! Except for the part about the 11 year old son, your post could have been written by ME. Even though your son is 11, you might consider getting a sitter to stay with him when you can't be home, or work out some arrangement for him to stay with a friend. You can't rely on your AH, as you can see.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
P.S. Oh, yeah... the driving thing. You can't rely on your AH for this, either, so be very careful about your expectations that he not drive drunk with your son in the car. He WILL do it. As time goes on, you will find that you need more and more Plan B's and will have to take on more and more responsiblity for yourself and your son.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Yep..Hope is right..he WILL drink and drive with your son. All recovering alkies with kids talk about how many times they did it and how ashamed they are...and thankful everybody got out alive.
I shouldn't talk in absolutes I guess...but it is dangerously likely he will do it.
I shouldn't talk in absolutes I guess...but it is dangerously likely he will do it.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Welcome LEW!!
It is hard dealing with someone who drinks. But it does seem that the more we complain the more they dig in....
Most of us here and in other recovery circles find that for us to get better we have to focus on ourselves and stop reacting to their drinking or drugging..
As adults we are responsible for how we choose to react to whatever situation. My sister is famous for saying someone makes her mad but truely it is her reaction to whatever makes her mad... it is her choice to be angry. You do not have to go to the place where you feel crazy no mater how much it seems that you don't have a choice in this you do have a choice and you seem to be choosing to go crazy. Probably you have a well worn path to your crazy place. Why not have an adventure and choose another path to a peaceful place?
It is hard dealing with someone who drinks. But it does seem that the more we complain the more they dig in....
Most of us here and in other recovery circles find that for us to get better we have to focus on ourselves and stop reacting to their drinking or drugging..
Originally Posted by LEW920
It's like he doesn't even realize that he is the one causing me to act this crazy way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Well, the silence is your punishment. This is so that next time you bring up the drinking, you'll think twice. So long as his drinking is a bigger consequence to you than to him, he can continiue to drink and manipulate you into accepting it, because it easier to just not bring it up. So....silence is golden. He's wearing you down with his rejection which is really what the silence translates to.
Here's the kicker. You embarrassed him, you made him look bad in front of your child.
Here's the kicker. You embarrassed him, you made him look bad in front of your child.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: WV
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by hope2bhappy 
P.S. Oh, yeah... the driving thing. You can't rely on your AH for this, either, so be very careful about your expectations that he not drive drunk with your son in the car. He WILL do it. As time goes on, you will find that you need more and more Plan B's and will have to take on more and more responsiblity for yourself and your son.
I agree. No matter what you think or what he says, he will drive while intoxicated with your son. I would have never thought that my AH would, infact he has made comments about others driving while drunk, yet he still does.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Looks like most of us have been-there, done-that....
I enjoy the silent treatment. It's much better than the slurring, loud, obnoxiousness that I usually hear. (look I made a new word!) On one of his pouting silent treatment days, I told him to grow up, and decide if he wanted to be part of this family or not. Since then, haven't had the silent treatment, and he thinks he is controlling his drinking (ha)....
Or it was when I told him that I didn't enjoy being married to a beer can....
The day he started complaining to our 4 year old of what a b'tch I was, was the last straw for me. I layed down what I would not tolerate at that point, and found this place. It has really changed my thinking (thinking that I could convince him to stop drinking! ) and it has really helped me alot. He is in charge of getting his own act together, and I am in charge of me.
Now that we don't discuss his drinking, I am finding that we don't have that much to talk about anyways. He will be home from work in about five minutes, and I'm upstairs, and the only way that I know he is home is that incredibly loud sound of a beer can cracking open..... We'll probably exchange a few words if I venture downstairs, then one of us will go to bed without mentioning it to the other.....
I enjoy the silent treatment. It's much better than the slurring, loud, obnoxiousness that I usually hear. (look I made a new word!) On one of his pouting silent treatment days, I told him to grow up, and decide if he wanted to be part of this family or not. Since then, haven't had the silent treatment, and he thinks he is controlling his drinking (ha)....
Or it was when I told him that I didn't enjoy being married to a beer can....
The day he started complaining to our 4 year old of what a b'tch I was, was the last straw for me. I layed down what I would not tolerate at that point, and found this place. It has really changed my thinking (thinking that I could convince him to stop drinking! ) and it has really helped me alot. He is in charge of getting his own act together, and I am in charge of me.
Now that we don't discuss his drinking, I am finding that we don't have that much to talk about anyways. He will be home from work in about five minutes, and I'm upstairs, and the only way that I know he is home is that incredibly loud sound of a beer can cracking open..... We'll probably exchange a few words if I venture downstairs, then one of us will go to bed without mentioning it to the other.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 4
It's amazing how all of our situations are a little different from one another but each response I received hit on something similar to what I am going through. This not talking to me thing is new and I don't know where our relationship will be going from here and it is very scary to me. I am pretty sure he is not drinking, because, as if this is a surprise, I am watching the whiskey bottle and its looks untouched. Of course, he has hidden it on occasions, but I can tell he has been sober.
I am really glad to have found this forum, it is very helpful. Now I know I have to go to Al-anon to see if that will help too. I have been putting it off for a year or so because of his good days. But I am realizing I can't put it off anymore and I see from reading here that it has been very helpful to others.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. Thanks to you all!!
I am really glad to have found this forum, it is very helpful. Now I know I have to go to Al-anon to see if that will help too. I have been putting it off for a year or so because of his good days. But I am realizing I can't put it off anymore and I see from reading here that it has been very helpful to others.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. Thanks to you all!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Trust YOUR judgement. If something is unacceptable to you, it is unacceptable. It doesn't matter if he's not abusive or if he is high functioning. This is YOUR life (and your child's life!). How dare he poison his child's childhood with his selfish indulgence? UNACCEPTABLE.
You have made the important first steps...realization is the beginning...keep going LEW...keep going....you are right to believe that something is very wrong. Read the posts and stickies (at top of main friends/family page)...educate yourself...keep posting...we are here for you...
You have made the important first steps...realization is the beginning...keep going LEW...keep going....you are right to believe that something is very wrong. Read the posts and stickies (at top of main friends/family page)...educate yourself...keep posting...we are here for you...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: AZ
Posts: 29
Lew,
I was like your H for many years, functioning at %100, but he is breaking down inside and sooner or later he WILL hit bottom. I almost lost my job and after almost a month am still trying to win back my family
I was like your H for many years, functioning at %100, but he is breaking down inside and sooner or later he WILL hit bottom. I almost lost my job and after almost a month am still trying to win back my family
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
(((Hugs to you))) Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
I am beginning to realize that sober, or not, mine has some personality traits that are just plain childish.......My AH did not talk to me for a week one time when we were pulling the boat back from the lake and HE had not fastened the cover snaps correctly and the cover posts came off and tore up the leather on the seats. HE thought that I should have looked in the rear view mirror and alert him to this........
I am beginning to realize that sober, or not, mine has some personality traits that are just plain childish.......My AH did not talk to me for a week one time when we were pulling the boat back from the lake and HE had not fastened the cover snaps correctly and the cover posts came off and tore up the leather on the seats. HE thought that I should have looked in the rear view mirror and alert him to this........
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I've also read that an alcoholic stops maturing ...so since my AH has been drinking every day since age 20... that makes me (42) married to a little kid, who pouts, has tantrums, and is very selfish. (then he complains that I treat him like a child.....sigh)
I do know that if I get divorced, I won't be dating any younger guys :P
I do know that if I get divorced, I won't be dating any younger guys :P
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 4
It's been a week today of no talking and as far as I can tell no drinking. Last night he had a couple (i watch the stupid bottle). He actually bought a new bottle as well but it hasn't been opened, so I guess he plans on drinking this weekend. So I guess now he will drink AND not talk to me.
Since this not talking thing has never happened before its very frustrating because I don't know what it means, especially since he has bought a new bottle of whiskey. Originally, I thought maybe he wasn't talking because he was coming to terms with maybe not drinking.
Of course, being a woman, I want to "talk about it", of course men don't want to. But this is ridiculous! I want to put it to rest. Should I say enough is enough and tell him this has gone on long enough. He's got me in limbo here. OR should I just wait him out?
Since this not talking thing has never happened before its very frustrating because I don't know what it means, especially since he has bought a new bottle of whiskey. Originally, I thought maybe he wasn't talking because he was coming to terms with maybe not drinking.
Of course, being a woman, I want to "talk about it", of course men don't want to. But this is ridiculous! I want to put it to rest. Should I say enough is enough and tell him this has gone on long enough. He's got me in limbo here. OR should I just wait him out?
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