Do you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: South Africa
Posts: 9
Do you?
Hi everyone.
I hope you are all well.
I have often said that when my alcoholic mother dies, it won't be a loss for me as she's never really portrayed herself as a mother.
She has attempted suicide and has threatened to do it so many times, that I'm actually just waiting for that phone call.
What bothers me is the fact that I think I would feel utter relief when she dies. Like the sour part of my life will finally be gone forever, and that it would all just seem like a nightmare. I feel guilty about these thoughts sometimes. However, when she phones me (drunk beyond belief) and tells me that she can't anymore and she is going to die... those are the times I sit and almost wish for her to succeed in her attempt.
Have any of you ever felt this way? Have you ever felt that you don't really love this person... have wished for them to just die and leave you alone to live your life in peace?
I hope you are all well.
I have often said that when my alcoholic mother dies, it won't be a loss for me as she's never really portrayed herself as a mother.
She has attempted suicide and has threatened to do it so many times, that I'm actually just waiting for that phone call.
What bothers me is the fact that I think I would feel utter relief when she dies. Like the sour part of my life will finally be gone forever, and that it would all just seem like a nightmare. I feel guilty about these thoughts sometimes. However, when she phones me (drunk beyond belief) and tells me that she can't anymore and she is going to die... those are the times I sit and almost wish for her to succeed in her attempt.
Have any of you ever felt this way? Have you ever felt that you don't really love this person... have wished for them to just die and leave you alone to live your life in peace?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome Trinity....
When I was in my late teens and early 20s I hated my mother and in my youth and lack of understanding days I would probably have said the same thing... I was raised in an abusive alcoholic home.
Hindsight..... I was so wrong, the anger I felt was because I was hurt and living in fear. I did not set my boundries and stick to them and I could not find compassion to save my life. I have had to go through years of theraphy, recovery and educating myself on the disease of Alcoholism to find that compassion.
My Mom is dead today and I miss her so much, I can not take back the 15 years that I removed her from my life (for the most part) but I can tell you that once I took the focus off her and put it on me.... got help for me.... I did not hurt so much and I had an amazing relationship with my Mom the 10 years before she died.
Im sorry it is hurting you.... All I have to suggest is to start working on yourself, your boundries and your recovery.
When I was in my late teens and early 20s I hated my mother and in my youth and lack of understanding days I would probably have said the same thing... I was raised in an abusive alcoholic home.
Hindsight..... I was so wrong, the anger I felt was because I was hurt and living in fear. I did not set my boundries and stick to them and I could not find compassion to save my life. I have had to go through years of theraphy, recovery and educating myself on the disease of Alcoholism to find that compassion.
My Mom is dead today and I miss her so much, I can not take back the 15 years that I removed her from my life (for the most part) but I can tell you that once I took the focus off her and put it on me.... got help for me.... I did not hurt so much and I had an amazing relationship with my Mom the 10 years before she died.
Im sorry it is hurting you.... All I have to suggest is to start working on yourself, your boundries and your recovery.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
There is nothing wrong with having those thoughts. However, I worry for you because they hurt you more than they do her. Maybe some therapy might help you talk this stuff out. Alcoholism is a heartbreaker.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Yes, there was a time when I truly thought I wanted my exAbf to die (much quicker than he's getting there himself). I know that is not true whatsoever now. That thought was coming from my anger, hurt and confusion as he was the source of my pain (one of them) and I wanted him removed.
I felt tremendously guilty about those thoughts a long time after..but knowing where it came from eased my mind. Something serious happened to him shortly thereafter and I realized NO..I didn't want him to die. I just want healing...I wanted the pain to stop.
I felt tremendously guilty about those thoughts a long time after..but knowing where it came from eased my mind. Something serious happened to him shortly thereafter and I realized NO..I didn't want him to die. I just want healing...I wanted the pain to stop.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Something serious happened to him shortly thereafter and I realized NO..I didn't want him to die. I just want healing...I wanted the pain to stop.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Kudos to your post Nuudawn. I could not have said it better. I felt exactly the same about my now exAbf. Like you, now I just want recovery....for both of us.....even if I never talk to him again.
Trinity, it is what it is and you feel what you feel. I'm happy that you can at least identify what you actually feel.....now you can work with it. Its difficult to feel compassion when someone constantly sees the world through dirty glasses...it tends to dirty up your lenses too. Through your own recovery you will begin to see things more clearly. I don't think people here would ever judge you. I've come to trust you guys for that (and for me that's a huge thing).
Hugs to all of you!
Trinity, it is what it is and you feel what you feel. I'm happy that you can at least identify what you actually feel.....now you can work with it. Its difficult to feel compassion when someone constantly sees the world through dirty glasses...it tends to dirty up your lenses too. Through your own recovery you will begin to see things more clearly. I don't think people here would ever judge you. I've come to trust you guys for that (and for me that's a huge thing).
Hugs to all of you!
Last edited by appleblaster; 02-07-2007 at 08:21 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
trinity.....lordy.....you just wrote my autobiography with my own mama.
she has spent a lifetime in depression, has tried to committ suicide, has threatened it numerous times, has asked my blessing, has asked me to help....you name it. i cut her out of my life because i hated her for doing that.
the first time she tried to kill herself i was thirteen years old. from the time i can remember....as far back as 4 years old, i can remember checking on her to see if she were alive.
i used to wish it would just happen. and then when i looked at her with different eyes and a different heart, i accepted her, and loved her again.
i understand she suffers from depression, that in her time was just treated with valiums. i understand she did the best she could do for what tools she had. i looked at her like a child that needed nurtured.....but only to a point.
i forgave her for letting me live in fear, because she didn't do it intentionally....she just didn't know better. i found so much more peace when i was able to love her simply because she was my mother.
love to you
she has spent a lifetime in depression, has tried to committ suicide, has threatened it numerous times, has asked my blessing, has asked me to help....you name it. i cut her out of my life because i hated her for doing that.
the first time she tried to kill herself i was thirteen years old. from the time i can remember....as far back as 4 years old, i can remember checking on her to see if she were alive.
i used to wish it would just happen. and then when i looked at her with different eyes and a different heart, i accepted her, and loved her again.
i understand she suffers from depression, that in her time was just treated with valiums. i understand she did the best she could do for what tools she had. i looked at her like a child that needed nurtured.....but only to a point.
i forgave her for letting me live in fear, because she didn't do it intentionally....she just didn't know better. i found so much more peace when i was able to love her simply because she was my mother.
love to you
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