Crumbs

So I went to alanon for the first time yesterday and felt like I really did not belong. A lot of the stories were so much worse than mine. I felt like if I brought up my situation people would not understand. I left thinking maybe I really don't have it that bad but I know that is not the case. Has anyone ever had this problem before and do you have any suggestions. My ex is not someone that drank every day. He just can't stop once he starts to drink. He acts inappropriate and irresponsible when he does drink. I really need some advice.

lesliejo

My husband was the same way, he only drank on weekends and sometimes we were even able to go out to dinner and he would have one or two beers then we would leave and go home. Sometimes too he wouldn't even drink at all but there were also the times that he would never stop and then he would do coke and get really weird and abusive. So I know what you mean about not feeling like you belonged there. They did tell me however that even an ocassional drinker and user eventually leads to addition so consider yourself fortunate that it didn't get that bad.
Leslie

newenglandgirl

I learned here at SR that alcoholism is a progressive disease. My AH started out like just like yours and then over the years (6 years) turned into a daily out of control drinker.

But I can relate to how you felt at Al Anon. I went for one meeting too. And I did not like it at all. I did not get anything out of it. They say you should go to at least six meetings before you give up. So perhaps I will try again.

Crumbs

i am going to try a newcomers meeting tonight. I am not going to give up. I know that right now I need that support. My husband has certainly had problems with his drinking since he was young so I am certain there is a problem. I just want to find other people that are dealing with a binge drinker who does not drink every day. God I am so lost!

mallowcup

I think we would all study a disease process if we really understood where it was all headed. Every disease starts with symptoms that get worse unless we intervene early. Alanon is about you,not him. Cancer starts with some vague symptom usually, or a culmination of a bunch of vague symptoms. The diease of alcoholism takes a long and steady path and you're on it. The more you learn, the better you'll handle it, you'll make better choices and maybe avoid some mistakes. Think of going for the knowledge.

Astro

I was a daily drinker for 25 years, but in the last 6 years I drank I was progressing to the point of some pretty insane behavior. There were times when I was a loving husband and good family man, and then there were times when I was cunningly abusive, looking for the right moment to play head games with my wife. The quantity I drank had very little to do with my behavior, it was the insanity and the obsession that directed my actions.

I hope you continue to try meetings. It takes awhile to begin to recognize the similarities rather than the differences, but remember that just because it doesn't seem that bad now doesn't mean it won't get worse in the future. Being involved with an alcoholic is like riding in an elevator. Do you want to get off now or wait until it hits the bottom?

nocellphone

Hi Alijill...

I can't recall much from my first Al-Anon meeting, other than hearing the words "Keep Coming Back" and the idea that I needed to somehow put the focus on myself, rather than where it had been for so many years: on the alcoholics in my life.

The first meeting frightened me, and I refused to come back to meeting #2 for about six months. In the interim, I headed into a hurricane of emotional pain, all related to the alcoholism I'd grown up with and still lived with. After reaching what I considered to be my emotional "bottom", I crawled back to Al-Anon, and the people there welcomed me back with open arms. I've been attending ever since (in fact, I'll be at a meeting shortly) and have put the Twelve Steps and related principles into my life.

Today I know that I was in fear, pain and denial of my circumstances when I first reached Al-Anon. Those are the things that kept me away, that made me feel I was different, that made me think "Maybe this isn't for me. It's not that bad". Now I know that it was that bad, and that I needed the same relief from the same disease that others had found in those rooms. Through Al-Anon, my fear and pain have been lessened, and the dark room of my denial now knows light.

Al-Anon is my anti-depressant. I take it as directed...

embraced2000

it took me three attempts of joining al-anon, quitting, going back, throwing hissy fits in the meetings directed at the members themselves.....they made me absolutely sick to my stomach.....they made me want to flip them all off and shout obscentities at them.....which i did. i was a tantruming brat, wounded to the core, and angry as hell.

i thought they all acted like they had angels flying straight out of their a$$es, and i told them that too, as i stood up and ran out of the meeting, bawling like a newborn baby calf.

but since alcoholism is progressive, my situation became progressive also, and i landed back in their laps practically dragging myself on my elbows into their meetings. they didn't look quite as nauseating as they did the first two times i joined.....and quit.

they looked like huge, glowing angels that swooped me up into their loving presence and showed me the tools i needed to save myself. i would have curled at their feet like a purring cat, if they would have just let me stay.

this all transpired over the course of 18 months......so during that time, i also progressed....

denny57

Al-Anon isn't about the drinker, so it doesn't matter how much he drinks. Al-Anon helped me understand why I could make statements like "maybe I really don't have it that bad." I made those for 18 years. I no longer make them. Al-Anon helped me with that.

Good luck with the 2nd meeting.

reader

Hi, My suggestion is when u feel ready do not be afraid to wear ur heart on your sleeve. Share your feelings of embarrassment with your husbands behaviors. How does he make u feel? I felt like a pure ninny at my first meeting but when I left I left the weight on my shoulders there. Be well, Kerry

Crumbs

I just wanted to thank all of you. You are all amazing. I was just out and ran home to login and learn. That is what I am doing... Learning. My ex keeps calling and trying to make me feel guilty for leaving and what helps me is reading your responses and support. I cannot tell you the amount of strength that this has given me. I am trying not to give into the guilt and feel sorry for him. That is how I live the last three and a half years of our marriage. You are all amazing and I hope that one day I can give back to you what you have given to me. A moment of peace and strength!!!

DesertEyes

Howdy Alijill,

I know what you mean about feeling that you don't fit in. My first meeting I heard a lot of people share their stories, and I realized that my life was different. I was older than some, younger than others, my "A" wasn't as bad as some, had never been in jail, never had a DUI, and she didn't have an affair with another guy.

But wait. I had to stop and go over all my reasons for being different. My wife did not have an affair with another guy, she had _three_ guys going at the same time.

I was just in a part of _my_ disease called "denial". As long as I could find a difference from those "other people" I could pretend that I did not _feel_ the way I did.

When I started listening to how those other people _felt_, to the emotions that were overwhelming their lives, I was able to see that we _are_ very similar. It's not the _actions_ of my "A" that brought me to al-anon, it was the emotions in _me_ that were making me crazy.

I felt humiliated, discarded, abused, lied to, betrayed. That is what everybody else felt too. I felt angry, disgusted and confused at myself for staying in a relationship that was so unhappy. Everybode else felt that too.

The details of our lives will always be different, it is the similarities in our pain that makes us the same.

Mike

narekkm

15 years ago I attended my first Al-anon meeting. After listening to everyone share about how their A lost their jobs, wiped out bank accounts, wound up in jail, etc. I thought to myself "I don't have it half as bad as these people do. All my A does is drink everyday." I didn't go back.

Three years ago I married my current A and he told me on our first date that he was an alcoholic. Great, I thought, at least I know what I have now. Not what he might wind up being like my first A.

How I wished I had stayed in Al-anon. I literally threw myself into the program when I couldn't deny any longer that my life was completely unmanagable and my A was not going to get better with or without me unless HE WANTS it.

At our meetings, it is suggested that you attend at least different 6 meetings before deciding whether or not Al-anon is for you. Each meeting has their own "flavor". When you go to meetings, take what you want and leave the rest. There are no "musts" in Al-anon, all you need to do is go for yourself. Your are there because of the A not for the A.

I hope you find peace and serentiy either with the program or without. I personally, can't say enough about how this wonderful program has changed my life.

Take care..
Karen

domelia

I know how you feel. I'm going to my third alanon meeting tonight and I actually I can't wait. My husband isn't half as bad as some others family members but his drinking is still a problem in my family. He is verbally abusive when he drinks alot and he is not very reliable. I was very scared to go to my first meeting so I brought my friend and I brought my kids to alateen. The second meeting I went by myself and I listened more then the week before. Tonight me and the kids are going and hopefully I'll be able to talk instead of just listen. I think that I just had enough of me focusing on him and blaming myself that I just couldn't go on and give my kids somewhat of a normal home if I didn't start to help myself and the kids. I have started a little of my recovery but I know I've got a long road ahead of me.

I'm haven't been in alanon long enough for advice, but I do know that my AH does have a problem and the two alanon meetings and SR has helped me in knowing that there are other people out there that are dealing with a family members addiction no matter how big or little it is and it's helping me change.

Crumbs

Went to the alanon meeting last night. Still just feeling so out of place. Woke up this morning incredibly sad. Feeling like I miss my husband. I am not sure if all the things that I am feeling are normal but I am doubting myself and my feelings so much. I feel so incredibly confused and lost. Told my husband that I was going to alanon and that he might want to think about going to AA. OF course he said no way. He says that his peers drink as much as he does. Of course this is where the argument begins. I asked if his peers sleep in their cars as well and that I am not married to them so I don't really care what they do. VENTING! It has been almost a month since I left. I guess that I was hoping that he would get his act together. No Such luck. And now I can't even remember why I left and keep thinking that maybe it was not that bad. I am getting so angry at myself for doubting the way that I feel. So lost today.

parentrecovers

hello alijill - i go to alanon, but i also do some private counseling. both help. blessings, k

Nuudawn

My decision to quit drinking coincided with my split with an alcoholic/addict. I have a lot of "stuff" I need to look at. I go to AA and often feel a little intimated about the depth of my "bottom". I consider myself a "high bottom" drunk...but a drunk all the same. There are a few in AA who are bingers rather than daily drinkers...who can go months on end without touching the stuff and then all hell breaks loose. Although my story or "bottom" differs...my pain, lonelieness and misery is exactly the same. In AA I realize that we are actually all much more alike than different (alcoholic or not). I hope you keep going to Al-anon as I truly believe that the Universe will provide you with like minded support if you are open to receive it.

Of course, you doubt your reasons for leaving, of course you miss him...recovery can be a lonely process sometimes. Recovery is about returning to our natural state. This is no easy feat after years of struggles, fears and wounding. Open your heart and self to God/Spirit/Universe and try to find the progress in each day.

denny57

It's also possible you may have to go back so you can be sure why you left. Only you know.

((()))

Crumbs

Whenever someone tells me that I can go back, I know that it is not an option because I know that it will only get worse. That is why I am so confused as to what I am holding on to. I know that I cannot live the way that I was living yet I still can't totally let go. Not even sure what I am holding on to. I know in my mind that because it was not terrible does not mean that it was good. Besides the drinking we had several other issues. I think that I focus on the drinking because it is more concrete than the fact that my husband was never interested in sex and would not communicate with me. For months I told him that things needed to change and he ignored me. Well I guess that is why I am where I am.

Astro

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this, Alijill.

My ex told me that things needed to change for years, but being an alcoholic I shoved more cotton in my ears and drank more to make her words go away faster.

You are changing, but you can't force your will on him to change. He'll continue to ignore you until/if he's ever ready to change himself.

My experience is that I continue to hold on to the good times, but have to remember that the bad times got me to recovery and where I'm at now, which is exactly where I'm supposed to be.