JessicaNAJ

G came over today around noon to spend the day with the kids. I could feel myself getting sick to my stomach anticipating this conversation with him. I figured it was better to just do it, and get it over with. So I did.

I told him when I got the income tax money I was going to file the papers. He asked what papers? Divorce. He asked me if that was what I wanted. Of course I started crying and said, "No. That was never what I wanted. But the last three years have gone from bad to worse. And now with this felony...." I told him I needed to move forward with my life and I can't stay stuck where I am.

He said he always thought that whatever I felt was best for me and the kids, he'd go along with it. And that he'd always be around if we needed him.

I got bags under my eyes from crying, but its all good, and I got that conversation out of the way. Now there will be no surprises and we can actually work together, for the kids sake.

He called his sister, he's going to stay with her and try to get back on his feet. Time with tell if this jail time has had any effect on him. Actions speak volumes...ya know.

StandingStrong

Wow Jessica, I know that was a really big step for you. But you've gained the courage to do what you felt you needed to do (and I can remember a time that you wouldn't have been able to do that).
You are taking charge of your life and that of your children - and that is something to be very proud of.

WantsOut

This is a very difficult time. You are facing things squarely with your Big Girl Panties on. You are a strong woman.

embraced2000

************{jessica}}}}}}}}

you are so awesome, jessie. i'm sorry it is hurting you....

lilac

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. (((Hugs)))

CodeMaster

Youve stuck your neck out for him with love for so very long, I'm sorry you have to go through such a decision, it must be one of the hardest things to do in the world.

Loves to you, and best wishes from my heart!!

BigGirlPanties

Good on you, hun. Take it a day at a time...youre on the right track and you are not alone. Ever.

JessicaNAJ

I think it hurts more letting go of something I've known for so long and something I wanted to be so different. If that makes any sense at all. But I'm really ok and very comfortable with my decision.

JessicaNAJ

Today he went to go stay with his sister...I cried (I don't think he saw me). It was hard to let go. This is the G I know, the G that has my heart. I hate this d@mn disease.

My mom's words keep running through my head......Divorce doesn't have to mean forever. Maybe one day he'll be able to show us how important we are to him and fight for us. We can always reconcile in the future. But for now, I have to take the next step to move forward in my life. How can I be any good to my kids if I keep my focus on him? and what kind of example is that to them? I'll only be showing them that it's ok to hurt and hang onto something b/c you "HOPE" it gets better. No, my focus HAS to be on me and them....our happiness. G's not a monster...and I do love him. But I have to love myself and my kids first.

I've read that others here have been through this, where the person gets out of jail and you actually recognize who they are b/c they are not covered in their addiction. The reason I haven't filed sooner is b/c things like this always happen, where I see the G I know in him. So I wait, and think it'll get better. So far my waiting hasn't worked and I just end up hurting more. I don't want that kind of life.

I need my friends right now........

prodigal

Jeesh, that grief for what-could-have-been and the death of our dreams that we embraced when we first fell in love ... I think it is the most tragic, painful thing we have to grieve. They aren't actually dead, so we don't grieve knowing that they are not coming back; they're dead in a figurative way - sitll on the same planet with us, but so decimated and destroyed by the disease.

I really feel for you. It has to hurt like he**. But the decision you are making in the here and now is the one that will give you and your children the peace you deserve.