lillian

I know I need to focus on myself- I am just venting because i can feel the stress crawl up my shoulders. my husband chopped me out once when he first got sober-- then, he said he was sorry/crazy- now he has chopped me out again. maybe it's not alcoholism and just the misery of getting dumped- both times he dumped me when he was sure he had a new relationship (or after he started the relationships, without me knowing). Suddenly, I am a shrew/we are strangers- he is patronizing and acts like i should have known things were over all along- he has brushed me/our friendship/marriage/relationship off, like it barely happened and didn't matter-- i am standing there poking at him (though i try not to call), wanting to know what happened... i want to know that i mattered to him. what does it matter what happened, he says- he patronizes me, and i feel so stupid. i know i have to get over it/get my own life and friends- i know i should stop trying to figure it out- i feel like a loser being sad- it feels like i was the only one in the relationship, and maybe i was. is there anyone else who feels like they had an instant brush off? it makes you feel like you're crazy/imagined everything. if he was an alcoholic for our marriage, does that mean he really can't remember it/us, or that he didn't care? that is how it feels, like come on kid, you know it wasn;t working-- he doesn't mourn anything, or take time to talk to me- he just acts like, "What?" To me, telling your wife that you want to be with her, don't want to be without her and are working on yourself/want the relationship to be stronger, and sleeping with her for two years means something, even if we were separated. arrghh... it's like the person i knew got up and left- or doesn't remember me. and that that person was the drunk, and it's the SOBER person leaving hurts even more. I read someone's post saying that it was no fun for a sober alcoholic to look into a loved ones face and see pain caused by their actions (affairs, etc.), and easier to start over. i wish i could be at peace with this.

prodigal

This is a good place to vent. I am assuming his "relationships" were of a sexual nature. I hope if you had relations with him, you were tested for STD's. If you want to know if you mattered to him, if you want him to empathize with you, if you want an apology, if you want him to behave like an upstanding and decent guy, I think you are going to be disappointed at this particular time. Addicts ain't known for having particularly good manners.

If he was an active addict during your marriage, the chances are he had blackouts, which means he very well may not remember a lot of the insanity. On the other hand, he WAS insane, wasn't he?

Is he in a recovery program now? Is he living with a particular woman? All I know is, attempting to fathom the dark recesses of an alcoholic's mind is a trip into insanity land. I quit trying to discover any sanity in that place months ago.

I am really sorry you are dealing with this cruel rejection. Please make sure you don't have any diseases he may have passed on to you. I think you have to stand back a bit and see this for what it is and what it was. You were married to an addict who cheated on you. I cannot say if he had love for you, or merely some sort of dependent attachment. I can tell you that you can drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why he did what he did. Please make peace with this situation. Try some Al-Anon meetings. People there will lend you support. Many have been through similar circumstances.

embraced2000

lillian....we cannot depend on the alcoholic to validate any hurt feelings that we may have....it ain't gonna happen. the addiction turns them into self-centered, self-seeking, alcohol driven addicts.

this is the time that we have to love our ownselves and make our own sense out of the insanity. the alcoholic cannot and is not capable of doing that for us.

you will drive yourself insane trying to figure out all the "why's"...so in my case, i had to turn it around onto myself....and figure out my "why's".

after several years of struggle, and still on-going struggles, i eliminated so much of the heartbreak and pain by taking this responsibility off of the alcoholic in my life, and putting the responsibility of my own life back into my own hands.

been long road, been hard road, been painful road....hell, sometimes it wasn't even a road there to travel....sometimes it was a weed-whacking path through the rain forest, sometimes it was a cow-path, then it was a dirt road, then a gravel road.....one day i will graduate to smooth sailing down the freeway of recovery.

i pray for the same for you
love to you

dayxday

After going to detox and treatment my AH has been sober 80 days now.

I am still struggling with many of the insane things that happened during my AH's drinking. There were a few issues that have scarred me terribly emotionally.

We do talk some but mostly he chooses to forget what he does remember and much of that is distorted (partial blackout?) the rest of it is purely blackouts. It doesn't do me any good to try to talk to him about something he can't remember partially or at all.

I have figured out that even though I want to talk about it - he doesn't and all it does is make it harder for me because he walks away and forgets about it and I stand there feeling like he doesn't care. I find talking with others, sharing at alanon and discussing it with my therapist works best.

I know if I wait for him to talk it through, I will be suffering a lot longer than if I just push forward now and work it through myself now.

I'm sorry for what your going through - I hope things get better soon.

steady14

Lillian

I know how hard it is to be going through what you are going through, to be rejected by the A you love after standing by them and their addiction.

The hard reality is that they can change so drastically in recovery that they become someone we no longer know. Heck, they don't even know who they are. I know this does not make it an easier to accept, but you need to understand that it's not you.

Please keep remembering to detatch from his insanity, focus on you and what is good in your life. You deserve to be happy