aztchr

I'm at a point now where I need to make some more changes and move forward. I didn't want to be in this situation, but I am. So, today I'm going car shopping for something cheaper in order to be able afford a place of my own, too. I know it's a little thing, but I bought my current car with my ex and apart of me wanted to hold on to it. It's just holding more resentment about having to change my life, when he hasn't done anything differently and hasn't had to give up anything really. I think once I feel independent again and forgive myself, I'll be better sooner.

I guess my question is did you have to make changes you didn't want to in order to let go and accept things? I guess I need more support than I thought and feel like when I read others' experiences it's another push for me that I'll be ok.

mallowcup

Oh yeah, big time. Changes he was counting on me not making. I had to go on welfare, went to college and got a four year degree in three years, ate alot of macaroni. I didn't quit. I walked if I had to. I robbed Peter to pay Paul. I made all new friends. I started working out and running. I quit drinking.

cmc

I think changes bring closure and if that helps me to move on I try to make the adjustments needed. I'm in a different situation since it's my son who is the addict, but I did do some things that finalized things in my mind. For me it was like therapy to move his stuff out of his old room. I made that room into a guest room and now it's not defined by all the 'stuff' ie. bad memories. In fact, if he ever spends the night here he will most likely sleep in another room since my daughter lives with us now and uses his old one. This is a way for us all to break some of the old patterns and start fresh. I think any changes that help us to cope are good. Another thing that I was happy about was when his car was impounded...and auctioned off. I was not happy he lost _a_ car but that car was a trigger for me. I still wince when I see one like it... I guess it just reminds me of things I'd rather forget.
I think that because we spend so much time in our cars... they become more like a 'residence' and maybe your starting over with a different vehicle will help you let go.

Astro

I'd say I had to make a few changes. Like only seeing my kids a few times a week rather than every day. Or moving from our 3ksf home into a small apartment. Giving up friends and family because wars were starting between us. And divorcing after 11 years. I gave up most of my hobbies too because I didn't think I could do anything sober.

Two years later I have joint custody of my kids, and we make the most of the time that we're together. We have a small house that we fill with love for each other. I've made so many new friends in AA, and my life is richer than I'd ever dreamed of. Dating is a new struggle, but I have faith in the will of my higher power. I'm doing all the things I loved to do, have added a few new hobbies, and they're all better than ever because I'm sober.

Yeah, it's all good:-)

Scott

lovemypup

The hardest thing I had to leave was my dog. I could not have a dog at the apartment. I cried many nights as I missed her badly. After I filed for divorce the first thing I was going to fight for was my dog. I would fight to the end for her. I did get her back, he knew I would never give her up.
I also could not get any of my furniture until after I filed and went to court. I lived on lawn chairs and an air mattress for a few months.
I also had to give up any part of his pension so he wouldnt make me pay spousal support.
I look back and wonder how I ever got through those first few months. It was the hardest days of my life.
Life gets so much better as time goes by. Don't give up.

aztchr

With all of the sacrifices and changes we have to make, how do you let go of being angry about it. I can make all the changes, but still not be happy with it.

denny57

I don't think of them as sacrifices - I think of them as opportunities to a better life. So far, so good. It's all in how I approach it. Every morning I wake up and have a CHOICE - to be happy or not. I stopped letting outside "things" decide that. Happiness comes from within.

It's hard work, but worth it.

Astro

I still struggle with anger and resentments, even thinking that I'll never be able to let go of all of them. But what I can tell you for sure is that when I make the choice to be happy and let go, a tremendous weight is lifted off me, and the feeling of contentment and happiness comes in, sometimes quickly.

If you haven't heard it already, there's an old saying that goes "carrying a resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die". It took me awhile to fully understand that, but now when I feel resentful it really makes sense.

StandingStrong

Like Denny, I found that it was the way in which I looked at something that made all the difference.
The things I was resentful about - well, that took a little more effort but I took the steps I needed to take to set boundaries and put those resentful feelings in someone's hands. In my case, those went to the lawyer and the courts.

I have had to make some sacrifices - but I've gained so much that they really don't seem much like sacrifices anymore. There were opportunities available - I made the choices I made - and I did the best I could.

appleblaster

Acceptance....that's how you get over feeling angry and resentful. Also, make sure not to develop a sense of entitlement that life will be fair to you. As you become more wise, the playing field will be leveled and things will surely appear fair because you have more control than you could have ever fought for.

LizzyP

I had to be willing to walk away from it all. Probably the first change I made a year ago was to close our joint account and open an account just in my name. That was the first step for me. Being willing to let go of the house, being willing to walk away from the pets (sad). Being willing to walk away in order to get my peace of mind back, or a piece of mind back (sanity), get my physical, emotional, mental, spiritual health back.

These first few months definately are not easy, but are worth it.

mushroom

Everything changed. Like Lizzy, I had to decide I was ready to walk away from everything. I left the house behind, most of the furniture, my dogs, my livestock, my garden. Everything that mattered. I had to put school on hold and get a better job. I had to move into town from the country. I did keep the car and most of the credit cards but all were paid off.

I knew I would get the dogs back soon and I did. I got school back on track. I got new furniture. I got peace. It took a long time, definitely did not happen overnight! But the key for me was being willing to leave it all behind (except the dogs were always temporary - they would NOT be left behind for long.) I'll get my own place someday, and build a new, better garden, and I'll have my livestock again. Mine. Someday.

I had to decide I was not letting material things hold me in thrall - they are millstones and I was drowning. The house was definitely being used as a bribe in our case - you want the nice house in the country with the garden you always wanted, this is how you have to earn it - living with an active alcoholic. I had to realize I didn't need it that badly. A little house in town would be ok.

HolyQow

I think I have changed the way I think. I used to think everything was my fault, I made him drink, and I had to be the one to fix everything. I no longer think any of that is true. I made peace with myself, accepted what I couldn't change, and am determined to "let sleeping dogs lie" ....the past is the past, and I won't keep throwing all of his mistakes in his face. I am still here because I accepted that stuff before, then I have no reason to use it as a weapon now. I am comfortable with myself, and regaining a lot of self-worth and confidence....this in turn, helps everyone in the family. When I stopped defeating the purpose by the way I was thinking, everyone was effected. The road is not so bumpy now.

lilac

Oh, yes. But looking back on the last 3 mos. it has all been worth it. Right now I don't own a computer at home (go to public library when I can), don't have cable right now either. But those are such silly things to worry about being without. Good luck on the car shopping.

aztchr

Actually, I decided to keep the car. A new place to live is what I need and will use some of my savings from the sale of the house to make it work. My health and state of mind are most important right now.
I have an apartment to look at this weekend and am looking into a meeting for next week. I keep repeating that I'll be ok, I'm stronger than I give myself credit for being.
It's time to accept things as they are...I deserve to let myself have peace.
I did nothing wrong. When I write it, and repeat it, hopefully it'll sink in for good.

dollydo

Changes, oh yes, I had some difficult decisions to make, for me.

Through all my escapades in life, I have learned that I am a survivor, and have the ability to change on a dime. I have also learned to think on my feet.

With every change came new promise for a better day. Letting go of the material trappings was the hardest part for me. My things and stuff, once I shed them, I started anew, but it was a struggle.

Yes, you did nothing wrong, and you will be ok, just takes time.