I'm terrified
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl 
I don't know if any of you feel like this...but for me the emotional duress these days is so great that I feel very out of body...almost like my brain is trying to disconnect in order to save me from suffering too much...I go from feeling on the verge of having a nervous breakdown to angry to giddy and back again.
Most certainly have felt like this.
Worry and stress can trigger many symptoms...mental as well as physical. Your brain probably is trying to disconnect! Remember to take care of yourself we don't want to see you land in the hospital for worrying yourself sick. Set your boundries and stick to them whatever they may be in order to keep your sanity.
Personally I might try what others suggested. Having him go to the hospital for detox. There has certainly got to be some way to get him in somewhere. Cops pick up alcoholics everyday afterall.
Maybe you could start another thread for more avenues?
I don't know much about this topic I'm just worried for you. You seem pretty desperate and it seems like it would be a good idea to find him treatment ASAP if he's willing to go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by sketscher
Most certainly have felt like this.
Worry and stress can trigger many symptoms...mental as well as physical. Your brain probably is trying to disconnect! Remember to take care of yourself we don't want to see you land in the hospital for worrying yourself sick. Set your boundries and stick to them whatever they may be in order to keep your sanity.
Personally I might try what others suggested. Having him go to the hospital for detox. There has certainly got to be some way to get him in somewhere. Cops pick up alcoholics everyday afterall.
Maybe you could start another thread for more avenues?
I don't know much about this topic I'm just worried for you. You seem pretty desperate and it seems like it would be a good idea to find him treatment ASAP if he's willing to go.
Worry and stress can trigger many symptoms...mental as well as physical. Your brain probably is trying to disconnect! Remember to take care of yourself we don't want to see you land in the hospital for worrying yourself sick. Set your boundries and stick to them whatever they may be in order to keep your sanity.
Personally I might try what others suggested. Having him go to the hospital for detox. There has certainly got to be some way to get him in somewhere. Cops pick up alcoholics everyday afterall.
Maybe you could start another thread for more avenues?
I don't know much about this topic I'm just worried for you. You seem pretty desperate and it seems like it would be a good idea to find him treatment ASAP if he's willing to go.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i've been here too many times to count. at first i was like you, all worried, fretting, scared silly at watching my husband go through this.
then, i learned after about 5 times, to get uninvolved. if he said he was going to detox at home, i would just say...oh...ok....get all of your supplies that you're going to need (ice water, drinks, aspirin, snacks, hot pads, cold pads, whatever) cause i'm going to be real busy in the office.
he used to have me running my legs off, nurse maiding him....and he would play it to the hilt.
detoxing can be very serious....and although i became univolved, i was still very concerned and scared. i was ready to call the ambulance at the first sign of distress, and would have done so, if needed.
good luck, sweety....
jeri
then, i learned after about 5 times, to get uninvolved. if he said he was going to detox at home, i would just say...oh...ok....get all of your supplies that you're going to need (ice water, drinks, aspirin, snacks, hot pads, cold pads, whatever) cause i'm going to be real busy in the office.
he used to have me running my legs off, nurse maiding him....and he would play it to the hilt.
detoxing can be very serious....and although i became univolved, i was still very concerned and scared. i was ready to call the ambulance at the first sign of distress, and would have done so, if needed.
good luck, sweety....
jeri
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
N.E.W., I have never seen anyone go through this but I wanted to include the following article I found on this forum since it may help you as it did me with the guilt I had over abandoning xabf in the past.
Googw!
Get out of God's way! Stop enabling the ones you love!
Do you have someone in your life who seems to always teeter on the edge of trouble? Someone you love very much, yet you seem to be at a loss as far as "helping them" is concerned?
Are they continuously caught in a trap of their own making? Are you finding yourself following behind them, attempting to clean up their messes and wondering how their mess became your own?
If you can relate to the above, then this article may save you future pain and heartache.
This writing applies to anyone who's loved one is trapped by an out of control lifestyle.
Enabling ends up hurting those we enable much more than it does us. We are thinking we're helping those we love when what we're really becoming to them is a crutch. A sorry stand in for a life of making responsible decisions and taking positive actions. They become addicted to our help. In the end they cannot function without us propping them up. If we attempt at any time to withdraw our enabling behaviors, they will squall like babies and then we truly find we have a mess on our hands.
As time goes by I meet more and more people who have little or no control over the most important areas of their lives. This chaos that many live under seems to know no boundaries. At one point in my life, I was a chronic enabler of many. I was one of those people that others looked to in order to depend on. But you see, I lost "myself" due to my constant catering to and problem solving all in the name of "others" that was going on. Many times in my past, before God straightened me out, I would complain about my life and many times was heard to say "I don't have a life".
Have any of you made a statement like that?
Looking back on those times, it was true. I did not have a life. But one thing I always failed to see was whose fault it was that I didn't. It was my own, that's what I had to realize, and in time I did.
By the time I had come to this realization, I would be totally burned out from the hours spent worrying or doing for others. Precious time that I could not get back. But do not think that those I was doing for lost a night of sleep over me. They would, in the end and much to my distress, still be living the destructive and dangerous lives they had for many years. My actions and help did not change them, did not help them, if anything it had made them worse.
I would pray for people who were trapped by the nets of their own making and nothing - not even prayer seemed to help them. I struggled to look at myself and learn if there was something I was leaving out, something I'd neglected doing for or saying to them.
It was then that I heard as plainly as I can explain to you now..
"What aren't you doing for them"? The answer? NOTHING
I had been available to them in every way imaginable. If he or she needed money, I was their bank. If they needed a baby sitter while they went out to paint the town red and maybe even get into a little mischief, I was their nanny. If I had important plans, they were all gone at the drop of a hat if I was called on to "help out" those who could never manage to help themselves. There was no limit to my helping.
Gradually I got worn down and discouraged. I could not say NO to them when they called on me for my help. Like so many others who are enablers, I was blinded by my love and concern for them. I had never once stopped for a second to realize that by my helping, I was prolonging that inevitable area of their lives that they had to get fixed.
The part where they must take responsibility for their own actions and their own life.
I couldn't see that no matter what I was able to do for them, that in the end, they would have to face responsibility and make choices themselves without me near them, without me giving them advice, handouts,etc.
One very important will that God has for all of our lives is that of being a responsible and mature adult. And I had been blocking God's will for the ones I was constantly enabling. This leads me to relate a very painful fact of life-----it's your life, God gave you only one, and it's far too short for us to scramble around "enabling" those who have chosen to lead a destructive lifestyle. Life is too short on this earth for you to be concentrating every fiber of energy you have on those who haven't hit rock bottom yet.
What is rock bottom? It is the place that all of us will arrive at if we continue to buck against what is Godly and Holy.
It is being in the "gutter" without anyone to call out to and to help us except God himself. The prodigal son went there to this place I speak of and was the better for having arrived there. I have been there. If one continues in sin, they will understand what Rock Bottom is. But only if they are absent of the enabler in their life.
We often feel "sorry"" for those we are enabling. I was one of these. I know what I am talking about. I thought on this : If I was leading a destructive life - a life in which I shirked responsibilities and did nothing to help myself but relied on everyone else to take care of me, would I expect to gain the sympathies of others? NO Would I expect it ? NEVER
Get out of God's way
It was during an especially painful run in with a friend who had gotten himself in financial trouble that I finally realized the truth. The more we bail people out of their problems and tragic situations, the longer it takes for them to change.
If you had the choice between a get out of jail free card or a two year jail term, which one would you choose?
The truth is that if you want to play, *lead a destructive and dangerous lifestyle* then you have to pay. Consequences are harsh , yet how many are not willing to pay the consequences for their selfish and destructive actions?
MANY
******People who are still leading destructively selfish lifestyles are only continuing in them because they are not allowed to hit rock bottom. They have not had to face the consequences of their actions. They have not had to face the consequences of the sad life they have led. They are not allowed to get down in the muck and mire and face what they and their life has become due to their own wrong and selfish choices. Others are never forced to stop due to their alternative options plan (the enabler in their life). In essence, they are still being given the option of that get out of jail free card by someone - And who offers it? Their "enabler" does every time they choose to bail them out of their latest "mess".******
Love
It is simply because we do love them that we must choose to stop enabling them, We must allow them to grow up and be responsible for their own lives and actions.
Chronic enabling only lengthens the time that the destructive person stays in his current messy situation.
If and when you decide to stop aiding in their prolonged agony by enabling them, your loved one will swear that you never loved them. They will say you are the most selfish person on earth. A little ironic isn't it? You and I, the very ones who have been unselfish and catering to their every whim and THEY now characterize US as selfish. Don't be astonished at this. All they've been used to is how you've catered to their desires and needs. They have known nothing else from you. They have known no other side of you other than this one they've been used to for so long. It is just like a little child who wants something, you hold it back from him and he throws a tantrum.
Managing their own lives
What you can't see right now is what will become of them after they've stepped up to the task of managing their own life. It's always tough to think of ourselves while a loved one is going through pain, We feel like we are not worthy to say NO to anyone except ourselves. I know this was true for me. I felt I was expendable when it came down to doing for me or for others.
It is essential that you stop enabling those who refuse to take responsibility for their own lives, God cannot do for them while you have your hands in matters that can only be fixed through him.. Along with the troubled person's quality choices.
The father in the prodigal son did not go out looking for his Son. He stayed home, and when the son came to himself he returned and he returned better than he was before he left his father. He had to go through pain and loss before he came to himself.
Our children grow up, become responsible and mature adults and leave us to begin their own lives, this is often a sad time but it is also a blessing and a fact of life. In the same way, those we love MUST grow up, become mature adults, responsible for their choices and actions and accept the circumstances of both.
Googw!
Get out of God's way! Stop enabling the ones you love!
Do you have someone in your life who seems to always teeter on the edge of trouble? Someone you love very much, yet you seem to be at a loss as far as "helping them" is concerned?
Are they continuously caught in a trap of their own making? Are you finding yourself following behind them, attempting to clean up their messes and wondering how their mess became your own?
If you can relate to the above, then this article may save you future pain and heartache.
This writing applies to anyone who's loved one is trapped by an out of control lifestyle.
Enabling ends up hurting those we enable much more than it does us. We are thinking we're helping those we love when what we're really becoming to them is a crutch. A sorry stand in for a life of making responsible decisions and taking positive actions. They become addicted to our help. In the end they cannot function without us propping them up. If we attempt at any time to withdraw our enabling behaviors, they will squall like babies and then we truly find we have a mess on our hands.
As time goes by I meet more and more people who have little or no control over the most important areas of their lives. This chaos that many live under seems to know no boundaries. At one point in my life, I was a chronic enabler of many. I was one of those people that others looked to in order to depend on. But you see, I lost "myself" due to my constant catering to and problem solving all in the name of "others" that was going on. Many times in my past, before God straightened me out, I would complain about my life and many times was heard to say "I don't have a life".
Have any of you made a statement like that?
Looking back on those times, it was true. I did not have a life. But one thing I always failed to see was whose fault it was that I didn't. It was my own, that's what I had to realize, and in time I did.
By the time I had come to this realization, I would be totally burned out from the hours spent worrying or doing for others. Precious time that I could not get back. But do not think that those I was doing for lost a night of sleep over me. They would, in the end and much to my distress, still be living the destructive and dangerous lives they had for many years. My actions and help did not change them, did not help them, if anything it had made them worse.
I would pray for people who were trapped by the nets of their own making and nothing - not even prayer seemed to help them. I struggled to look at myself and learn if there was something I was leaving out, something I'd neglected doing for or saying to them.
It was then that I heard as plainly as I can explain to you now..
"What aren't you doing for them"? The answer? NOTHING
I had been available to them in every way imaginable. If he or she needed money, I was their bank. If they needed a baby sitter while they went out to paint the town red and maybe even get into a little mischief, I was their nanny. If I had important plans, they were all gone at the drop of a hat if I was called on to "help out" those who could never manage to help themselves. There was no limit to my helping.
Gradually I got worn down and discouraged. I could not say NO to them when they called on me for my help. Like so many others who are enablers, I was blinded by my love and concern for them. I had never once stopped for a second to realize that by my helping, I was prolonging that inevitable area of their lives that they had to get fixed.
The part where they must take responsibility for their own actions and their own life.
I couldn't see that no matter what I was able to do for them, that in the end, they would have to face responsibility and make choices themselves without me near them, without me giving them advice, handouts,etc.
One very important will that God has for all of our lives is that of being a responsible and mature adult. And I had been blocking God's will for the ones I was constantly enabling. This leads me to relate a very painful fact of life-----it's your life, God gave you only one, and it's far too short for us to scramble around "enabling" those who have chosen to lead a destructive lifestyle. Life is too short on this earth for you to be concentrating every fiber of energy you have on those who haven't hit rock bottom yet.
What is rock bottom? It is the place that all of us will arrive at if we continue to buck against what is Godly and Holy.
It is being in the "gutter" without anyone to call out to and to help us except God himself. The prodigal son went there to this place I speak of and was the better for having arrived there. I have been there. If one continues in sin, they will understand what Rock Bottom is. But only if they are absent of the enabler in their life.
We often feel "sorry"" for those we are enabling. I was one of these. I know what I am talking about. I thought on this : If I was leading a destructive life - a life in which I shirked responsibilities and did nothing to help myself but relied on everyone else to take care of me, would I expect to gain the sympathies of others? NO Would I expect it ? NEVER
Get out of God's way
It was during an especially painful run in with a friend who had gotten himself in financial trouble that I finally realized the truth. The more we bail people out of their problems and tragic situations, the longer it takes for them to change.
If you had the choice between a get out of jail free card or a two year jail term, which one would you choose?
The truth is that if you want to play, *lead a destructive and dangerous lifestyle* then you have to pay. Consequences are harsh , yet how many are not willing to pay the consequences for their selfish and destructive actions?
MANY
******People who are still leading destructively selfish lifestyles are only continuing in them because they are not allowed to hit rock bottom. They have not had to face the consequences of their actions. They have not had to face the consequences of the sad life they have led. They are not allowed to get down in the muck and mire and face what they and their life has become due to their own wrong and selfish choices. Others are never forced to stop due to their alternative options plan (the enabler in their life). In essence, they are still being given the option of that get out of jail free card by someone - And who offers it? Their "enabler" does every time they choose to bail them out of their latest "mess".******
Love
It is simply because we do love them that we must choose to stop enabling them, We must allow them to grow up and be responsible for their own lives and actions.
Chronic enabling only lengthens the time that the destructive person stays in his current messy situation.
If and when you decide to stop aiding in their prolonged agony by enabling them, your loved one will swear that you never loved them. They will say you are the most selfish person on earth. A little ironic isn't it? You and I, the very ones who have been unselfish and catering to their every whim and THEY now characterize US as selfish. Don't be astonished at this. All they've been used to is how you've catered to their desires and needs. They have known nothing else from you. They have known no other side of you other than this one they've been used to for so long. It is just like a little child who wants something, you hold it back from him and he throws a tantrum.
Managing their own lives
What you can't see right now is what will become of them after they've stepped up to the task of managing their own life. It's always tough to think of ourselves while a loved one is going through pain, We feel like we are not worthy to say NO to anyone except ourselves. I know this was true for me. I felt I was expendable when it came down to doing for me or for others.
It is essential that you stop enabling those who refuse to take responsibility for their own lives, God cannot do for them while you have your hands in matters that can only be fixed through him.. Along with the troubled person's quality choices.
The father in the prodigal son did not go out looking for his Son. He stayed home, and when the son came to himself he returned and he returned better than he was before he left his father. He had to go through pain and loss before he came to himself.
Our children grow up, become responsible and mature adults and leave us to begin their own lives, this is often a sad time but it is also a blessing and a fact of life. In the same way, those we love MUST grow up, become mature adults, responsible for their choices and actions and accept the circumstances of both.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I can get off the rollercoaster whenever I want. Sometimes knowing that is enough.
Do you get angry when he blames you for his drinking? Makes sense, then, that he gets angry when you blame him for ruining your life. Only one person needs to change. If not him, why not you?
Do you get angry when he blames you for his drinking? Makes sense, then, that he gets angry when you blame him for ruining your life. Only one person needs to change. If not him, why not you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Lotta food for thought Sketscher and Denny. Thanks.
I know, I feel bad for yelling that at him (that he ruined my life, etc.)...I chose to ignore all the red flags. I chose to marry him. Those were all my choices.
I know, I feel bad for yelling that at him (that he ruined my life, etc.)...I chose to ignore all the red flags. I chose to marry him. Those were all my choices.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Going to be gone a couple of days might be good, if he gets scared he will call 911. I think if we are there they depend on us to make decissions.
Or he will just drink til you come back to suffer with him. No winning I guess.
Just try not to worry about him, they are stronger than we think.
Or he will just drink til you come back to suffer with him. No winning I guess.
Just try not to worry about him, they are stronger than we think.
Getting busy living!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Says he's going to beat it alone with my help.
Sure, and then when he fails he'll have someone to blame besides himself. Very classic addict. Oh, I wish I could hold your hand, say nice things, make you feel better, but I'm sorry, I can't. All I can say to you is to back away and do not get involved. It is his addiction and it is his, and only his, to overcome. There is nothing, NOTHING you can do. He has to want it and more importantly, he has to feel he's worth the effort. Best of luck to you both.
Sure, and then when he fails he'll have someone to blame besides himself. Very classic addict. Oh, I wish I could hold your hand, say nice things, make you feel better, but I'm sorry, I can't. All I can say to you is to back away and do not get involved. It is his addiction and it is his, and only his, to overcome. There is nothing, NOTHING you can do. He has to want it and more importantly, he has to feel he's worth the effort. Best of luck to you both.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Try not to worry
******{newenglandgirl}}}} It feels crazy isn't it? Even though i've seen my AH detox so many times, it hurts every time to watch.
Sometimes it looks like his mind has been split into two, one part wants to stop, the other part (an extremly cunning part) keeps coaxing him to drink. Only when he really feels bad and sick enough, he'd have the power to stop.
i used to be very "supportive" whenver he detoxed or showed signs that he wanted to stop. i would go get all the soda he needed, give him massage, stay next to him and say all the enouraging words i could think of. Soon I learned that doing all those things made no difference at all. It only made me angry and disappointed when he ended up taking another drink. Reasoning or arguing is even worse. I think it'd only distract him from his pain and give him more reason to drink. And again, it'd make feel me bad afterwards. I don't know if it's true, I think sometimes my AH even "pretends" detox to get my attention.
If you're feeling so overwhelmed at the moment, walk away for a while. DON'T WORRY. If he really wants to stop, he will. If he decides that he wants to go to detox or the ER, he will (if you're not around and he needs your help, he can call you i suppose). If he wants to try detoxing at home, he will, and will keep trying until he makes it or until he realizes that it's not possible. I know you want that "big step" to come sooner. I know that feeling. I'll pray for you and your AH that it'll happen soon.
Sometimes it looks like his mind has been split into two, one part wants to stop, the other part (an extremly cunning part) keeps coaxing him to drink. Only when he really feels bad and sick enough, he'd have the power to stop.
i used to be very "supportive" whenver he detoxed or showed signs that he wanted to stop. i would go get all the soda he needed, give him massage, stay next to him and say all the enouraging words i could think of. Soon I learned that doing all those things made no difference at all. It only made me angry and disappointed when he ended up taking another drink. Reasoning or arguing is even worse. I think it'd only distract him from his pain and give him more reason to drink. And again, it'd make feel me bad afterwards. I don't know if it's true, I think sometimes my AH even "pretends" detox to get my attention.
If you're feeling so overwhelmed at the moment, walk away for a while. DON'T WORRY. If he really wants to stop, he will. If he decides that he wants to go to detox or the ER, he will (if you're not around and he needs your help, he can call you i suppose). If he wants to try detoxing at home, he will, and will keep trying until he makes it or until he realizes that it's not possible. I know you want that "big step" to come sooner. I know that feeling. I'll pray for you and your AH that it'll happen soon.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Anyone can decide to detox any way they want, but if it is in my home, here's how it's going to go. I'm not going to wonder what to do. I'm not going to be responsible for any part of its success or failure. At the first sign of a medical emergency, I'm calling 911 with apology. That's the way it is going to be so you can detox three times a week if you want. I think that detoxing at home is dangerous, stupid and the most likely way to not succeed. I would tell him ahead of time. You can't make him quit. You can set your terms for living with him. You need to be with a man who makes better choices than that. It was selfish. Now that he's tried it and it failed, it's time for a new plan of action. It is a holiday. It is extremely unlikely he will he's ggoing to get a bed on his own. He can make an appt with his doc for a referral, go to the ER to begin detox under their supervision or he can move out until he does.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by LiLL
******{newenglandgirl}}}} It feels crazy isn't it? Even though i've seen my AH detox so many times, it hurts every time to watch.
Sometimes it looks like his mind has been split into two, one part wants to stop, the other part (an extremly cunning part) keeps coaxing him to drink. Only when he really feels bad and sick enough, he'd have the power to stop.
i used to be very "supportive" whenver he detoxed or showed signs that he wanted to stop. i would go get all the soda he needed, give him massage, stay next to him and say all the enouraging words i could think of. Soon I learned that doing all those things made no difference at all. It only made me angry and disappointed when he ended up taking another drink. Reasoning or arguing is even worse. I think it'd only distract him from his pain and give him more reason to drink. And again, it'd make feel me bad afterwards. I don't know if it's true, I think sometimes my AH even "pretends" detox to get my attention.
If you're feeling so overwhelmed at the moment, walk away for a while. DON'T WORRY. If he really wants to stop, he will. If he decides that he wants to go to detox or the ER, he will (if you're not around and he needs your help, he can call you i suppose). If he wants to try detoxing at home, he will, and will keep trying until he makes it or until he realizes that it's not possible. I know you want that "big step" to come sooner. I know that feeling. I'll pray for you and your AH that it'll happen soon.
Sometimes it looks like his mind has been split into two, one part wants to stop, the other part (an extremly cunning part) keeps coaxing him to drink. Only when he really feels bad and sick enough, he'd have the power to stop.
i used to be very "supportive" whenver he detoxed or showed signs that he wanted to stop. i would go get all the soda he needed, give him massage, stay next to him and say all the enouraging words i could think of. Soon I learned that doing all those things made no difference at all. It only made me angry and disappointed when he ended up taking another drink. Reasoning or arguing is even worse. I think it'd only distract him from his pain and give him more reason to drink. And again, it'd make feel me bad afterwards. I don't know if it's true, I think sometimes my AH even "pretends" detox to get my attention.
If you're feeling so overwhelmed at the moment, walk away for a while. DON'T WORRY. If he really wants to stop, he will. If he decides that he wants to go to detox or the ER, he will (if you're not around and he needs your help, he can call you i suppose). If he wants to try detoxing at home, he will, and will keep trying until he makes it or until he realizes that it's not possible. I know you want that "big step" to come sooner. I know that feeling. I'll pray for you and your AH that it'll happen soon.
Thank you for sharing your own experience Lill. It really makes me feel less crazy hearing everyone else's stories. It is important to be reminded that the quitting is up to him. Nothing I say or do will affect it. I think in a way I am started to "detach" some. I fell asleep last night thinking about how my life will be if we separate. And it wasn't a bad scenario.
He only drank those 5 nips last night. He usually drinks a pint - a pint and a half + 1-2 bottles of wine per night...so only 5 nips was a huge cut down. He had the chills a bit, and didn't sleep most of the night. He claims he will continue to only have 5 or less nips while I am away. We will see. I am trying really hard not to worry. I can't control it. It is out of my control. It is his life, his decision.
Thanks everyone for all the support. Really means so much.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Long Island NY
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl
I can't control it. It is out of my control. It is his life, his decision.
I am having simular thoughts about my AS, once he's gone my life looks like it will be so much easier! But I know that I need to work on me, this will be a time for me to get my life back in order and take care of the rest of our family.
I'll be thinking good thoughts for you today,
Amy
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