sisterray

I am wondering about my decision to let him back in. Actually I feel good about it' in a way, and miss him. But I in no way want to go back to where we were before he left. Again, history: he drank daily, constantly for most of the past twenty years Ive known him. Last year he decided he wanted to quit. He struggles, and now binges every couple of months. He is jail for yelling at me in the yard last year, the neighbors called the cops, and he was still yelling when they came. So he got a year probation. He screwed up twice (or three times) can't remember, by drinking, and is in jail for three months. He goes to AA meetings sporadically. He is very pouty and angry and has fits like my ten year old. This is something he never did while he was drinking. The crabbiness came when he quit drinking. He has also lost several jobs because of his attitude in the past year, also since he quit drinking. He never lost a job before that. Our counselor and the AA guys tell me its because he never learned coping skills to deal with stress because he always drank them away. Right before he went to jail, he finally went to a doctor and got paxil for depression. I don't know if its working because I havent seen him but a few times for visits. It was his decision to quit drinking. There are so many aspects of him that I like. I know he needs to learn how to deal without booze and that wont happen overnight. So I am going to let him come home one last time, with rules. What do you think? Hope because there has been improvement? Or not enough improvement for a years worth of trying+

prodigal

Here's what you have told me: AH drank daily for approximately 20 years. He is attempting to control his drinking, but he still goes on binges. He was raising he** out in public so all the neighbors could hear and for that he got thrown in jail. He screwed up his probation, so he's back in jail. He throws tantrums. He's moody. He does not know how to handle life on life's terms; thus, he cannot handle the stress that life inevitably throws our way. His attitude at the present time stinks. His rotten attitude has caused him to lose several jobs.

You are going to "allow" him back home with rules. Does he sound like he's going to keep the rules you impose on him as part of the deal for letting him come home? I've seen A's who have quit drinking, try to control it, kinda work a program but don't really commit themselves to sobriety. They are like your husband: moody, angry, and pretty darned awful to have around.

I have lived through this myself and I can tell you that I had a miserable, moody, rotten-attitude, immature, self-absorbed person in my home. But I realized I had nothing to do with his crummy attitudes. He alone owned those. If you want him back, that's your perogative. If he's as bad as you say he is at the moment, I hope you are able to detach from him for your own sake.

sisterray

That is how he was for the last few months before he went to jail. The couple of weeks right before that, he seemed to be better, but that could have been because he knew he was going. I think I am ready to detach. Lori

PS I wonder how long the crabbies last, and if the paxil will help?

JessicaNAJ

We all have to live and learn for ourselves. I too took G back after a couple of years...why? My Codeness kicked in when he got evicted and I was scared he'd be sleeping on some crackhead's couch (sorry if that offended anyone, just how I felt). I convinced myself I was doing this for the right reason, at the time, I really truly believed I was b/c I loved him and I wanted our family to be back together. (I couldn't see this then, but now I see that that was another attempt of mine to "save" him.)

Anyway....many many people were critical of my decision. But I stood by my choice. We had talked...I laid out my boundaries. He agree that we'd take it one day at a time and work through "this". It was great for the first couple weeks. Sadly, I can only say that obviously, in my case, it didn't work. BUT, I believe it was because of this decision that I am much more at peace with many other choices I have made in the past and I am at peace with the choices I'm making today.

My point.......We all have a road/path we must travel through life. Some of us choose the tougher road unknowingly. Whatever decision you make, that road will get smoother...that is YOUR road through life. In my case, I believe the path I took was the one my HP wanted me to take.

We can tell you till we're blue in the face from our experiences what we "think" you should or should not do, but ultimately the choice will be yours and yours alone. And whatever you do decide, we will be here. Good luck sweetie.

prodigal

As with most antidepressants, it takes about two weeks for Paxil to take effect. Antidepressants do NOT cure depression, rotten attitudes, moodiness, or the basic issues the depressed person faces. It does, as I put it, "level the playing field." That's about it. It can help someone have more energy, more focus, and a better ability to tackle life's problems without total despair. However, it's a hit-or-miss proposition. Some drugs work for some people and not for others. I was on Paxil for 18 months and hated it! The reactions I had were sweating (even in the cold of January!) and my sex drive was gone - kaput! A lot of those types of drugs not only cause the libido to diminsh, weight gain can also occur. It took the doc several years of playing around with different meds in different strengths to hit on the right one for me.

There is no way of knowing if your husband will maintain his bad behaviors or not. If he's occasionally showing up at AA meetings and "controlling" his drinking, he is going to remain in the same place he is now. Paxil will not improve his attitude or his bad moods. My guess is his moods improve when he knows he doesn't have to white-knuckle it to keep from drinking. A's often become quite charming when they want something from significant others in their lives or when they feel the person they are most dependent upon is going to leave them.

It's good that you are ready to detach, but don't expect it to happen overnight. As they say in Al-anon, "progress, not perfection." It took me a very, very long time to get my head to where it is now and I still have my moments when I am one step from tearing into my AH. I learned to detach when I got so crazy, sick, and tired of the chaos and lunacy that I was a part of that I was willing to do just about anything for relief!

Why don't you consider a bit longer whether you want him to come home right away? Perhaps you should take some time away from each other. It could help you to have a breather.