LIFEOUTTHERE

The last few (4) days have been the worst for me. I guess with the holidays coming to a close and my Christmas vacation over.....I think something is wrong with my head. I feel like I am the verge of tears all the time, I am mad, I am hurt, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I wish he would just disappear off the face of the earth. I wish I had never met him, thats not true b/c he did give me three wonderful children I love dearly. My head hurts, my stomach aches, my body aches. I don't want to talk. The voice inside my head is yelling GET OVER IT, but for some reason I cannot even smile or laugh. I just want to sleep, I am so tired right now. I am sick of him telling me that I love him, that I still have feelings for him. I DON'T. I don't even want to look at him. He makes me ill. He stinks. I keep remembering all the times that he was close to me and the beer on his breath......OMG. All he wants from me is a free ride. He is trying so hard to manipulate me into going back to him. He says that I cannot make it on my own. I CAN AND I WILL!!!!

I am never like this. Usually I can get over things, but I can't get rid of this feeling I have. I feel doomed almost, if that makes any kind of sense. I feel like I am shutting down. I don't want to feel this way. I want to move on. I want to feel happiness, I want to live, love and laugh. I just can't do it right now. I was doing so well, I don't know what happened.

marriedithink

I was you last year at this time......what an awful way to feel. I started going to counseling. It just ended and I am doing so much better. I was a walking ball of rage and tears. Now I am me. Hugs to you, I feel your pain, you will get through it. You will feel better. Maybe some counseling?
I am me again, but I had to allow myself to forgive myself. I was not a fool, I was not stupid for believing in him. I was human that wanted to believe my love was being returned, and I could help him, I hated him, and myself.
Now........I just hate him LOL! Just kidding.
Stay strong and look at your three wonderful children.

Cynay

You have to walk through it.... there is just no other way hon. I always felt better when I got out of my head.... Go to a meeting, service work, counceling ... anything to keep busy and out of my head.

It does get better. Can you do no contact for a while? That would help too, then you dont have to listen to him tell you how you are feeling.

WantsOut

I call it the torture phase. This is when they use guilt and pull at your heartstrings instead of doing what you asked them to do - quit drinking.

And if you're like me, the quitting doesn't even matter any more. I've maxed out. Too many bad memories. I can't possibly trust him again after all I've been through.

I just cut contact. I realize with kids you can't cut completely, but you can minimize it. I had to for my survival. I can't go around feeling bad all the time for trying to take care of myself. And as soon as I get a job I'm going to get some therapy. I need to talk to someone about all this. Maybe that would help you too.

If being pissy helps you (it does me) consider this: he didn't feel bad for you when you were walking around in pain asking him to stop drinking and hurting you. He just kept doing what he felt he needed to do. Now it's time for you to do what you need to do and put an end to this emotionally abusive crap.

TexasGirl

I love how you put that....that's exactly right.

Life, I do agree that counseling might be a huge help. I have really enjoyed therapy, and it helped me work through a bunch of things I was feeling. And the no contact thing suggestion is a really good one too!! I have found that I start doing really well until he calls and starts playing on my emotions again, telling me that he can't believe I gave up on him and that he would never give up on me, or telling me how horrible he is now that I left him and that he can't work or be with his family because of the shame of my leaving him. Those are huge feelings to have to deal with, and they put upon me by someone else!! That's not fair! And it's not fair for you.
Take care. ((((())))

prodigal

From your description of how you feel, particularly the desire to sleep a lot, it sounds like you have what could be diagnosed as depression. I do not believe that anti-depressants cure depression, but they help "level the playing field" so you can function in a relatively normal fashion. I was dead tired all the time for several months and wanted to sleep a lot and, boy, did I feel depressed big-time.

I take Wellbutrin XL (time-release pill). It is the only antidepressant I know of (and I think I've tried them all) that doesn't cause weight gain or other crummy side effects. It didn't cure my depression, but it helped me get back my energy to get things done.

Perhaps a visit to your doctor is what you need. It may help you to deal with the lunacy your AH is dumping on you.

mallowcup

The travel agencies are having teriffic deals on cruises and vacation packages. You need a vacation AWAY. Sun, sand, new faces, dreamy tropical nights and long leisurely morning strolls along the coastline with the waves lapping up over your feet. Why not transition from the way you feel to a new tradition. Somehow getting away brings new perspective.

LIFEOUTTHERE

That sounds like heaven Mallow- Great Idea.

Anyone want to babysit a 5, 3 and 20 month old PM me ASAP!!!!!!!

Pick-a-name

((( LIFEOUTTHERE))) I understand completely......you are in my prayers. Wish I could give you a big hug.

LIFEOUTTHERE

I did go to the bookstore yesterday and I bought the book codependent no more. I liked one part that said something about I was bigtime codenpendent - I did not marry a man who had a few beers after work, I married a man who did not work. THAT SUMS IT UP FOR ME. I also bought a devotional book for moms on the go that I could bring to work with me for my lunch break.

Over the weekend my cousin died, she and I shared a b'day. I was 45 mins older than she. My childhood friend, who I loved dearly, passed away in September and she was my age also. Life is so short......I have really been thinking about that. What do I want to do with my life.

denny57

((((Life))) you are going through so much right now, be kind to yourself. When the time is right, it sounds like your parents might watch the kids while you get away for a nice long weekend. I do it when I can (I don't have children, though) and it really helps. It doesn't have to be expensive.

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your cousin and friend. It's true for me that deaths of those younger or the same age as me hit me very hard - and made me take a good look at what I was doing with my life.

Take care.

LIFEOUTTHERE

The babysitting thing was just a joke, which I am sure you know.

I have plenty of babysitters, right now I like to have my kids close by - I like knowing they are there, however tonight the two older ones are going over to the STBXAH's first wives house to spend the night with there brother and sister. The baby, my mom and I are going to the bookstore and then out to eat. I am getting my favorite comfort food - tater soup.

I want to catch a few after holidays sales as well.

I am just in a rut, I think. 10 more days until the divorce is final!!!!!!!

hope3

lifeoutthere, I am so encouraged by your will to take care of you and your kids........... so many would give up......butt not you.....


you go............girl/...............

HolyQow

I would babysit.

There is a big difference between being overwhelmed and being depressed. I would bet on the over-whelmed part.....

I also think PMS gets worse as we get older...at least in me it does....I hate everyone double at least once a month! Add alcoholics to that, and it makes me not want to get out of bed and look at anyone.

Hormone levels change, and so does thyroid as we get older. (thryoid has alot to do with energy)... Make sure you are eating right. With three little ones running around....I would guess that you barely have time to grab a few bites.

I still feel like you have it set in your mind that the divorce will happen on that date and that date only. Please don't get your hopes up. I do want it to happen for you, but I also know how court works......I used to live from one court date to the next.....it's miserable, and can wear a person down fast. This may just be stress messing with your system.....stress is just as ugly as alcohol, and harder to diagnose. It's impossible to see, but it has so many effects on a person. I try to think of the divorce as just another piece of paper. The "actual" divorce already happened a long time ago.

Hang in there.