mugicha

Please tell me what you think. I could answer 8 questions on the Alanon questionnaire. I know my Mom has serious problems but I don't know if she is technically an alcoholic. I want to confront her with her problem because I've been dealing with it all my life and it has caused suffering and dischord in my family for over 30 years. I know that it affects my Dad too, because in a very unprecedented move he actually opened up to me and my brother about how much it hurts him. That was about 6 months ago, and then he returned to his typical conspiracy of silence. But I know it's driving him crazy, and even though they are retired and have been married for 35 years he has recently contemplated divorcing her.

Specifically, my Mom drinks every day. When she is sober she can be very generous, caring and altruistic. When she drinks she becomes mean, nasty and vindictive. She picks fights and bullies those she loves, especially my Dad but also me and my brother. We are adults now, but the pain and damage this has caused our family will never go away or grow any less intense. And since she continues to engage in these behaviors, I can only look forward to probably twenty or thirty more years of the same.

She did it to us again this Christmas, drinking herself into a stupor and then trying to pick a fight with my dad and then me for trying to stand up to her. If I confront her with this, she'll say she's not an alcoholic because an alcoholic is a skid row bum. And she is a very active, functional woman who lifts weights and plays tennis practically 7 days a week. But that does not erase the fact that she also drinks 7 days a week, and when she does she transforms into a child and a bully.

I know this posting is long and rambling, but I really don't know what to do and I feel - as it asked on the Alanon questionnaire - like no one understands my problem. Is my Mom an alcoholic? Does that even matter? Should I confront her and demand she get therapy/help/treatment/something? She is slowly choking the life out of my relationship with both my parents. Please weigh in with your analysis. Thank you.

minah

what i have learned (recently) and what has been VERY freeing is that I need to learn to take care of me -my emptiness in my soul & my other needs - before trying to take care of anyone else. It sounds to me that you all have tried to some degree to express your concern to your mom but she does not share in your assesment. If her drinking bothers you then it IS a problem for YOU and you should find solutions for you... for your sanity. I am finding my sanity/serenity through the fellowship & tools of Al-Anon. Alcoholism just SUCKS! Absolutely sucks. I hope your pain lessens and wish you the best.

mazey

The alcoholic needs to decide for themselves that they want to stop....with that in mind you, your Father, and family need to do for yourselves what will help. Alanon is a tremendous program that will offer tools to help you live a more peaceful life, not just with your alcoholic. Read all you can and visit here. there are tremendous people with tons of experience and words of advice.

denny57

Welcome mugicha. As we all know, Betty Ford was first lady of the country, not a skid row bum. I learned it was pointless to have these types of conversations with an active drinker. Wanting to protect the habit comes first. No logic on earth will sway someone to do what they are not ready to do. That goes for those of us living with alcoholism, too.

What worked for me was Al-Anon, therapy and educating myself on the disease of alcoholism. The more I learned, the more I understood. That enabled me to take care of me , first, because there is no guarantee a drinker will ever stop.

If you decide to try Al-Anon, perhaps you and your dad can attend together. There are men in my groups who have come in at the age of 50, 60 and more.

In the end, it doesn't matter whether your mother is alcoholic - what matters is her drinking is disrupting your life. I spent a good bit of time trying to convince myself and others that AH was alcoholic. I realized that was keeping the focus on the wrong thing - his behavior. I learned I had to focus on my own behavior. When I changed, my life changed dramatically.

Good luck and please keep posting - the support here is terrific.

mcdo1268

alcoholism does not discriminate. She definitely needs to make this decision herself, but certainly boundaries can be created and kept by family. In other words, let her know you, your father and family will not tolerate her actions.