steve11694

Just an observation I made and not a scientific study result. If you look at the number of those viewing these forums at any given time it seems there is a much higher number of families/friends of alcoholics/drug addicts than there are viewing the alcoholism/drug addiction forums.

A recovering alc I know believes it is harder for the families than for the addicts.

Anyone have comments?

LaTeeDa

I can't say who it's harder on because I have only been on this side of it. I think it's hard on everyone.

I once read a statistic that every alcoholic or addict affects 7 other lives. I think maybe the numbers viewing these forums support that statistic.

L

AllTooSober

I've suspected that that's because addicts are usually too wrapped up in their addiction to really be aware of the pain they cause themselves and their loved ones. Family and friends can see clearly and it's even more painful knowing they can't do anything about it. If that isn't too obvious or trite?

denny57

I think it's difficult for everyone. But after thinking about it the last year, I am glad I am not the addict. Overcoming addiction is two-fold, at the least: mental and physical. Throw in the spiritual and emotional and I do believe the addict's mountain may be a bit higher.

cmc

Maybe also due to the increased pressure on the family and friends to keep the home/work/social life running while the addict or alcoholic retreats from their responsiblities, the codependent finally gets some help or falls apart themselves. Also, the denial and shame cycles of a user is far different from what the codependent feels. The user is supposedly hurting themselves and everyone else- this is a hard thing to come to terms with. JMHO

Astro

Tough to admit, but I think I probably affected more lives than that. I will say though that reading the FF posts really gives me a strong perspective on the damage I've done in my lifetime.

Pick-a-name

I was thinking along these same lines,too. I know in our family of four,there is one practicing A and three others effected by the disease. We are getting help (in various way) and the A is still drinking,etc.

StandingStrong

While I don't know firsthand how an addict feels, I can tell you what I've seen in my own situation.

The families are much more hurt and affected by the A than he hurts himself.
The A doesn't really seem to care as much as the non-A, which is probably due to the A having something to numb their pain.

I posted a long time ago that I had read that an A affects 16 people's lives.
Regardless of the number though that anyone quotes, I believe that it's much much higher.

For me - I still believe that it's harder for the families and loved one of the A than the A themselves.

steve11694

Great replies from everyone. I believe it is the altered thinking that protects the alcoholic from feeling the kind of hurt families feel.

CatsPajamas

It's just hard for everyone. Trust me.

~Cat

Cecilia

I agree but I also think that maybe we dont see as many men because as a general rule men dont share. Alkie or sober. Women need to talk about stuff. A lot. .

Maybe its just me. But the friends of substance abusers seem to post more than the friends of alcoholics. And their stories seem to be much worse. If Im feeling sorry for myself just reading them snaps me right out of it. Skillets will probably fall from the sky and hit my house for saying this.

WantsOut

I've been on both sides and honestly, being the drunk was worse for me. I knew what I was doing was wrong, that I was hurting people, that I was lucky they put up with me and my heinous behavior, but I couldn't help myself. The guilt, the pain - it was nearly unbearable and I mean that literally. I suffered from such black, painful, oozing guilt that I had to either give up alcohol or kill myself. There was no going on feeling that way. It was so long ago I gave it up I don't even remember now. about seven years I'd guess.

Being the family member is just so frustrating because on the one hand you want to give the A all the support they need, but they just keep screwing up. When is love not enough? When are you transforming from being a spouse dedicated to their husband into fishwife doormat just taking abuse for sick reasons of her own? A good friend of mine made me feel as if I hadn't done all I could for my ex-AH. Another acted as if I'd been a fool to put up with this for so long. All this codependent crap will be the death of us if we let it. But we can walk away and wash our hands of it all. The As are trapped by a different, more vicious demon.

That's my opinion.

Grasshopper

Both sides here too.
I no longer compare pain.
When someone says that they are hurting,then thats it,they hurt.And there is recovery and help.

lilac

My addict doesn't think he needs any help. I think alot of addicts are this way. However, I admire those who got help and are in recovery. I have never been on that side, but I know that it must take alot of inner strength.

I think it is hard on everyone.

Zoey

steve, Thank you for being here.

HolyQow

There are more viewing or more posting in Family/Friends?

If it's more viewing, I would suspect that everyone fits into this category. And like Astro said, it is even read by those addicted because they want to find out how it effects the family. The one viewing, could even be an alcoholic that is recovering, but being affected by someone elses drinking....
then their are the teenagers that don't have a category to fit into...there is one for ADULT children of an alcoholic....but not teens. So here we all are, and I also believe that my codependant behavior, keeps me choosing things that are familiar, therefor comfortable to me......I don't like change too much.

JMO(s)

CatsPajamas

I visit both forums, but I tend to post more on the F&F of Substance Abusers. The As in my life tend to have problems with both drugs AND alcohol, and all are substances, so that's where I started. I am a long time grateful member of Al Anon, and I read and post here as well.

My recommendation is to go where you feel comfortable, where you feel heard and acknowledged, and where you find support and recovery. And it applies equally to face-to-face meetings as well as here in SR.

Hugs

Cat

MsPINKAcres

JMHO - take what you like & leave the rest . . .

I really don't see how we can say which hurts more - If you have two broken legs & I have one broken leg, does that mean that I'm not hurting?
That my pain isn't real to me.
Does it really matter who's pain is more? For me, it's not about keeping score - I hurt more than you or your pain is worse than mine. That doesn't help lessen anything that we are dealing with.

We all have been affected by this awful disease, alcholics, addicts, families, friends and co-workers. Cunning, baffling and powerful. It robs us of everything near and dear to us. No matter which side you are on.

For me to recovery, I had to throw away the "scorecard" and focus on Tradition 1 "Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity"

Now, I know that this usually applies to situations that have all members in recovery, but in some cases even if all our loved ones aren't in recovery, we can use the Traditions to help us live a healthier & peaceful life.

For me, it doesn't matter who was hurt more, it matters how much we can heal together.

Just my e,s, & h,
Rita