guyinNC

Hi guys,

I know they say leave the addict alone......and I have. We have not heard from my Xwife since October. She is still living with her rehab lover and has made no effort to contact the kids.

I still feel awful for her. I know in my heart she loves her kids, and her drinking keeps her away. At least thats what I want to believe.

I was thinking of sending her photos of the kids. Their latest school photos, maybe a copy of the DVD of their dance receital. I'm not sure if she has any photos of the kids. I wonder if I want to do this for her or for me? Trying to guilt her into calling the kids? To sending them a Xmas present? If feel sad for the kids. She didn't call over Thansgiving. This will be the first Xmas with her gone. Last xmas she was on my couch, sobering up....recovering from surgery to fix her broken ankle. Am I Trying to jog her memory to be part of the kids lives again? But if she is stilll drinking, she should stay away.

Her dad called a couple of weeks ago, wanted to confirm her address. Her parents have not tried to contact the kids either. He did not even ask how the kids were doing or what they wanted for christmas. What is their excuse.....they are not drunks! It really made me mad. But I am thinking of sending them photos too.

It's Christmas. Will she remember her children? I'm sure she and her drunk lover have a Christmas tree up, decorated and he has bought presents for his kids. What could be going through her mind? I still struggle with these thoughts.

What would you guys do?

minah

Dear LostinNC,
I am sorry you are in this situation. I don't know what you should do. I wanted to just send you a hug and wish you well.
Minah

J-Diver

Personally, I would send the pictures. She is still their mom and they are still the grandparents. No amount of time, miles or alcohol can change that. I would send them to both.

As far as you, I have 2 things to say.

One, you need to not worry so much about what these other people are thinking. You really can't guess their thoughts. Maybe just pray for them if that is something you are inclined to do. Please don't waste too much time on them though, as that serves no purpose.

Second, It sounds like you are doing a good job with your kids and really concerned for their welfare and well being. Good job to you on that!

Best wishes to you and your family!

Julie

mallowcup

I respectfully disagree. There is no amount of time or distance between your ex, her parents and your children. A stamp costs 37 cents. How cute do your kids need to be to be worth calling or mailing a card to? Maybe if they were cuter or their grades were just a little better? Your kids are already acutely aware of their unworthiness for these simple rememberances. Why keep rubbng the wounds open again? I'm sure you have a mailbox. I'm sure there is a road that leads right to your front door. I'm sure your phone works. I'm sure you ex has no problem lifting a drink to her lips so she can write and dial a phone. Let's consider your kids. Everyone elses mommy was in the audience at the recital. Your kids had to endure that. Other little kids in their class have grandparents that they see, grandparents that they will spend the holidays with. Love drops a card in the mail,love dials the phone, love speaks, love invites you over for the holidays, love sits in the front row of the recital, love knows that there is a recital to begin with. You can give your kids dignity. I hope you will reconsider any contact. Your ex is a ghost to them.

denny57

I think sending a card may be interpreted as manipulation on your part. A "dig" at your wife (and her parents) for her behavior. People under the influence aren't necessarily seeing things the way we are. If your children had come up with the idea and sent the pictures on their own, I'd see it differently.

I'm sorry guy, I know this is painful for you. I hope you and your children enjoy your holidays - they have a great dad.

ICU

Guy,

Ask yourself this, can you send the pictures and let go of the outcome (have NO expectations)?

If yes, well, then maybe consider sending the pictures.

If no, well, perhaps you're better off not sending the pictures. JMHO!

deax

Ugh... I can't imagine what the grandparents' excuse is.

So sorry you have to deal with this, guy, they really know how to add insult to injury, don't they? I *think* I would probaby let it go and not send pictures to any of them. Esp the grandparents, they don't even deserve a picture in my opinion. Calling you for a favor and not even asking about the kids? Nah. Back away and let them come to you. When your kids grow up, they can decide if they want to pursue a relationship with them. You might be more forgiving than I am, though.

Try not to worry about what's going through her mind, because you'll knock your head against the wall trying to figure it out and you stil won't come away with any answers. You know that though. Just worry about you, and what your kids need to feel happy and secure.

I hope no matter what you decide to do, that you and your family may have a peaceful happy holiday.

parentrecovers

my daughter's biological father was an alcoholic. he passed away this past august from alcoholic liver disease, with no recovery. he had had no contact with my/our daughter in over 4 years. and before that, only when she came to him for family functions like weddings and funerals. not a meaningful relationship at all.

she and i sent pictures to him on many holidays, and he was never healthy enough to send a grateful word back. it was his addiction.

i don't know if this helps. it's a sad story. god bless you, and take good care of yourself and your children. k

elizabeth1979

Hey Guy,
Something that helps me when I faced with a decision like this is to ask myself, what is the outcome I am hoping for?

That can reveal to me what my underlying motivation for acting is.
Why do you want to send those to her? Is it to spur some action in her, make her miss the children, or call them, or ...get help?

I could see it being additionaly hurtful to the kids (and you) if the pictures/DVD were sent and there was no response.

Is your house all decorated and ready for Christmas?

guyinNC

Its a tough decision for me.

I have not talked to the kids about it. My youngest mentioned something about sending a gift to the grandparents. They usually send a nice package to the kids. But not so far this year. A kind word and a call of concern would be nice.

The kids don't bring up there mom very often. But I know it will hurt not to receive anything from her at Christmas. I have not said anything to them about sending anything to their Mom. I figured that way they would not be hurt if she did not respond.

I guess I want to guilt her into remembering the kids. I also feel sad for her.....to not be with your kids at Christmas. I know it would tear me apart. She was a good Mom and Wife for so many years........Its so hard for me to accept the fact she can just walk away. But that is the reality I live with.

I guess I would love it if she would just call on occassion, write them a note. But who knows, that may do more harm than good for the kids.

WWJD?

denny57

Interesting question, guy. My study of all philosophies seems to suggest there is no forcing someone to enlightenment. No guilt making. No manipulation. Just love. It's how I express that love in the here and now that matters. So what is more loving?

embraced2000

hi guy
i understand the description of your dilemma....for i do it myself....all the time.

i have discovered that if the answer doesn't come clearly to me after some initial thought, and i develop an uneasy feeling about what i really want to do, versus what is probably the next right thing to do.....well, i just get all squiggly and wiggly inside....my brain starts working overtime trying to shove the reasoning that i want, down my own throat.

in other words, i try all the time to convince myself of my own noble reasons for wanting to do something concerning the xah....usually, i find it is only because of my own unresolved issues and i'm having a tug of war with my intellect and my heart.

for instance.......xah was in jail here lately....i wanted to meet with him and tell him goodbye while he was sober, because he was so near death this last time. i wanted to tell him that he was loved, his life had value, and i wanted to tell him what value he had in my life...

beginning to get the picture, here?? well, i was told no by the courtman, i would have to wait for weekly visitation and go see him that way.

so then, i wrote a letter to him....starting out like a saint....all-knowing and wise....kind, gentle, loving....martyr to the end.....

then, as i wrote, i became more angry and ended the letter by talking to him like an animal.

so then i knew what i needed to know......i was using the wonderful goodbye scenario in order just to see him again.

why???? because i'm addicted to him. because i 'm still sick. because i just wanted to be in the same room with him...wanted to breath the same air he was breathing......i needed a fix....my tommy fix.

i shredded the letter. thought that if the alcoholic has as hard time as saying no to a drink as i have trying to control my own actions.....whewwww!!!! well, they must truly be sick....cause i know i have to work everyday at staying away from the tommy fix.

hope this helps some
jeri

elizabeth1979

How awesome is that to be able to see it Embraced! I was that way with my ex. I remember coming here after I had kicked him out (maybe the 4th or 5th time out of maybe 10) and I was physically ill from not seeing him. I was sick from not getting my D fix.
Someone suggested maybe I was having some obsessive love or love addict problems and I thought they were loony.

I definately was just as hooked on him as he was on alcohol.

Pick-a-name

I email my ex-FIL pictures;sometimes with a note and other times without one. Actually, he and I are forming a nice relationship (MIL died a few years ago). He still considers me his DIL. I appreciate that (esp. after 30yrs as a member of his family).

I think you are correct....what are your expectations? Ideally, there should be none except the kindness of sharing a picture of their grandchildren. Who knows their "story"...I know that alcoholism is a multi-generational disease and effects many of relatives.

Mr. Christian

Hello Old Friend,

Don't send a thing. Leave it alone. She does not care so the hell with it.
If she makes an effort I would then say do something, but no.

She knows it's Christmas, she knows where to get in touch. It's up to her.

findmyself

((((((((((((guy))))))))))))))) All I have to say is thank god you are these childrens father. There is a world of children out there who have no one at all who cares about them. It sounds like you are a wonderful father. Your children will grow and prosper knowing their father had enough love to go around and to make up for the loss of the mother in their lives. As a mother I simply can not comprehend walking away from my child. I would sooner cut off my head. I don't know how you cope with this. I am so glad you are there for your kids. I'm sending my prayers that you will all come to grips with this and find a way to be truly happy. All my love to you and your children.
Diane

guyinNC

Thank You my friends. You all mean so much to me.

A special thanks to Mr. Christian who introduced me to SR. Thanks again Mr. C!

Its been a strange road for all of us. This has been my first close up adult experience with addiction. I guess we are kind of club. Not all that exclusive since so many lives have been touched by addiction. But a club nonmembers really cannot relate too. I know I could never have imagined the pain, the range of emotions, I have experienced due to my wifes, xwifes, alcoholism.

I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas. My New Years wish is for all of us to find some peace, that calm detachment that we all strive for! I hope our loved ones find their bottoms and begin to move towards the light again.

God bless all of you!

steve11694

Love is the one thing active alcoholics have a problem with in that they do not love themselves. Your aw is not at the steering wheel. Addiction had driven mothers to leave their newborns in trash bins on cold nights. You may be feeling sorry for yourself in addition to resentment for the single handed responsibility of raising the kids; I would also.
My aw and i are physically separated. she did not contact me on my birthday this year for the first time since i know her. i don't care, i emailed her a happy birthday greeting. something i actually learned from AA meetings; holding on to resentment and anger is akin to holding hot coals. you only get burned in the end. we, as non addicts, should learn enough to rise above all this crap. first and foremost, don't attempt to apply logic when dealing with an addicted person. Every night i say goodnight to her silently.

mallowcup

My sons received gifts for birthdays and Christmas every year from their dad. They will never know the gifts came from me. this was a decision I made a long time ago. I never feared them mentioning it to their dad. I refused to allow their special occassions to have a cloud hanging over them. They opened the gifts or card from him and they went on to have fun, so far as they knew, he never forgot. It is pretty easy to know who kids want to be remembered by. We do have the ability to let them think they are loved, remembered and worth a card or gift. A budweiser costs about $2 or $3 bucks. Even if a parent is face down in a ditch drunk, a kid never needs to know it, not little kids. That parent may be missing, but there's no reason a little kid can't think that person is OK.

mallowcup

If the children send her a picture, will there be any acknowledgment of it or just another reminder that their mother wasn't at the recital and didn't pick up the phone to thank them for the picture? I harbor no anger or resentment and that stopped when I stopped doing things to provoke a response.