sketscher

not alcohol related that I know of but my exabf called to let me know this.

I wasn't home when he did so when I returned his call not knowing of this news and caught him in a state of what I thought was very near passed out I was just going to let him go. But he chatted about "survivor" for a few minutes

then asked me "you know so and so?" "um, well if I saw his face, probably" I reply. So then he says "well nevermind" and acts all weird and a bit disturbed that I don't know this person exactly. (We work with a couple hundred people, this guy worked in the factory second shift, I work first shift in the office) Anyway I had to drag it out of him finally first by saying "is he the guy that was real sick?" he doesn't answer except after a long silence to say "you didn't know him so it doesn't matter." Then I say, and a bit rudely now "well did he die or something?". He answers yes.

I know this story is a bit unrelated to this board. One thing I find disturbing is that I managed to feel guilty after this call. Because of my exabf's attitude and my reaction. I hope he doesn't think I regard this man who died as insignificant and I DON'T.

But then again I know how I feel. And thinking on it now, does it matter what he thinks of me?...no.

This past summer an office employee drowned. Exabf made a terribly rude jokes about it. What did I think of that? Inappropriate...does it matter to him what I think of that?...no!

CatsPajamas

Skecher,

Sorry to hear about the death of your co worker. It's always sad, and for many doubly so near the holidays.

One of the strangest and yet most FREEING concepts I learned in Al Anon is this:

What other people think of me is NONE of my business.

Hugs

Cat

deax

OMG this is such a simple concept and yet it was so hard for me to learn! I'm a HUGE explainer, and I used to keep my ex on the phone endlessly trying to explain myself and what I felt and why I made a decision even when HE was the one who did something wrong until I felt like he really got it- and for what?! This lesson was truly a freeing one for me with Rich, and now it's like a burden has been lifted when I find myself wondering what he thinks of something I said or did and then remember that ultimately it's irrelevant. And if I were to call and explain myself to him it wouldn't make one shred of difference. I proved to myself that I learned this lesson this past weekend.

The reason you got impatient was because in the moment he was difficult to talk to and not coming out with why he called you. I don't know your whole story sketscher, I have to go back and read it when I get a chance, but I'm willing to bet your ex, however irrational he might be at times, knows on some level that you're a good person and would never be callous toward a person's death. He's the one who mocked death in the past. You have nothing to feel guilty about, though I understand all too well the inclination to feel that way needlessly. God knows I've done that time and again!
(hugs)

sketscher

Deax, my story, my actions, prove that I'm not really that good of a person actually, but I once asked him why he loved me and his answer was that I was the nicest person he ever met.

I still hope that what I went through with this man can prove to be good in some way. Maybe by helping people on here. Maybe showing others that someone in my postion is just as vulnerable to the pain of this disease as a spouse is. Maybe just the fact that his exwife no longer has to live with his insanity. Maybe all 3 reasons.

It's weird being at work today, everyone is very sad about this man who passed away. He was only 40, dies of a heat attack. Heard that he had high colesterol and they brought hin to the hospital in Mexico where he was visiting all his family, but died before they made it to the hospital.

deax

Well this was so intriguing I went back immediately and read your intro thread!

Hey- I'm not here to judge anyone too harshly because I wouldn't want it done to me. No one on the internet knows anyone elese's life story. Yes, we're responsible for our choices, but I'm not a believer that people actions are always necessarily such an accurate reflection of their quality as a human being. We learn that from the alcoholics and addicts in our lives. And anyway, you loved him and he felt that. You love him more than he loves himself. On some level, I believe they know that. I sure hope they do.

And how bout a 4th-- your own growth and the perspective you've gained from your experience.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your coworker, sketscher. He was so young... Prayers for him and his friends/family.

My ex's coworker died last summer, one of the guys he did construction with. The guy was also an alcoholic and a drug addict; when his roommate found him, his eyes were black, which reminded my ex of his ex-fiancee who had died from an alcoholism-related condition. That guy was in his early 50s. I thought that might shake Rich up. It did for about 2 days, too. Me and my expectations. Sorry- your story just reminded me of that.

sketscher

Deax, you can see why I didn't want to revisit that whole story again huh? I thought of changing my name on here. I have lived with my poor choice for a while now. I think I have come to terms with the mistake I made. I've been accused of a lot. Taken the blame and accepted it. I'm the kind of person that would accept any punishment given for something I've done wrong. So sometimes I wonder if I'm just destined to be alone forever because of this. Being with a married man was not something I would have ever thought I'd do. And I know I'll never get the forgiveness of many on here. I can explain how it happened but that will never make it right. I could tell you that his family adores me and I them. I could tell you about what kind of woman his ex is and none of it will ever change the fact that what we did was WRONG.

However he's divorced now, we live apart, I never was around his children, his ex has a nice little house of her own now and a great job (she never worked before), he pays child support and sees his children everyday.

And well you all know about me.

CatsPajamas

Sketscher,
I don't know your whole story but I was once where you were. Things happen. I'm not proud of it, but it was part of my journey. And, as they say, "let him who is without sin cast the first stone".

Again, i've been there and I understand. Honestly, forgive yourself and go on. Once again, I will share what I've learned in Al Anon : What other people think of me is really none of my business. As long as you learned your life lesson, you file it away and you go forward in your life.

Hugs
Cat

embraced2000

sketscher

hey...you know what?? i am 53, almost 54....i've lived a lot of life. made a lot of decisions and choices...some good, some not so good, some downright brillant, some really stupid....

but ya know that one choice i made that i regret????? the time i had my hair cut so short i could comb it with a washcloth. really. and guess what????....it grew back.

i used to really beat myself up for some of the things i have done, but no more. every choice i made, no matter what quality of the choice, led me to the person i am today.....and i am happy to know myself today.

you are loved, sketscher....you are loved for the path you have walked, the wisdom you have gained, and for many many other things, i'm sure!!!!

jeri

deax

Yep. At the end of the day, sketscher, we only need to be at peace with ourselves. "Other people's opinions of me are none of my business."