Newbie checking in...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 5
Newbie checking in...
Hello, everyone.
I came here because I've lately come to face the fact that my closest long-time friend has a problem. We live pretty far apart geographically. She's been phoning a lot lately, always drunk, very drunk. Her marriage is dissolving and she talks a lot about feeling as though she's "losing her mind". I'm taking these phonecalls as cries for help.
I'm long overdue for a visit anyway, so I'm trying to plan one soon. Most of the "planning" involves psyching myself up and trying to learn all that I can so that I might be helpful - or at the very least, to not alienate her.
I'm almost certain that her drinking is the cause of her marriage problems and not the result.
She also has a young child.
I already know that she must be the one to decide to get help for herself and also that I cannot "fix" her problems. But we have been close friends for so long that I can't simply ignore this.
I'm hoping that some of you might have some insights and advice for me, or that you can point me to some resources.
s
I came here because I've lately come to face the fact that my closest long-time friend has a problem. We live pretty far apart geographically. She's been phoning a lot lately, always drunk, very drunk. Her marriage is dissolving and she talks a lot about feeling as though she's "losing her mind". I'm taking these phonecalls as cries for help.
I'm long overdue for a visit anyway, so I'm trying to plan one soon. Most of the "planning" involves psyching myself up and trying to learn all that I can so that I might be helpful - or at the very least, to not alienate her.
I'm almost certain that her drinking is the cause of her marriage problems and not the result.
She also has a young child.
I already know that she must be the one to decide to get help for herself and also that I cannot "fix" her problems. But we have been close friends for so long that I can't simply ignore this.
I'm hoping that some of you might have some insights and advice for me, or that you can point me to some resources.
s
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome to SR
The best we can do for others, you are doing.
Learning as much as you can so when she asks, you have some answers and most importantly...love them till they learn to love themself.
Read the posts that say sticky beside them. They are located above the blue line on each forum.
You are a good friend. Just remember...all we can do is share info and pray...they need be the one to accept the info and act.
The best we can do for others, you are doing.
Learning as much as you can so when she asks, you have some answers and most importantly...love them till they learn to love themself.
Read the posts that say sticky beside them. They are located above the blue line on each forum.
You are a good friend. Just remember...all we can do is share info and pray...they need be the one to accept the info and act.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
the best you can do is to be informed about the disease, and the effects of the disease upon family members and friends of the alcoholic.
please be prepared for several things.........denial, anger, blaming others, shame, chaos, drama.....from both sides of the fence....the alcoholic and the family and friends of the alcoholic.
i'm so relieved that you acknowlege this will not be a rescue mission.
please take care of yourself by having realistic expectations about your visit.
blessings to you
jeri
please be prepared for several things.........denial, anger, blaming others, shame, chaos, drama.....from both sides of the fence....the alcoholic and the family and friends of the alcoholic.
i'm so relieved that you acknowlege this will not be a rescue mission.
please take care of yourself by having realistic expectations about your visit.
blessings to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR....
I have to agree, your doing the best thing you can getting educated. The book "Under the Influence" really helped me out alot... that and going to Open AA meetings and listening to it from the other side.
You might want to make plans that dont include depending on her... like a hotel instead of staying at her place etc....
I look forward to getting to know you... stick around and keep posting.
I have to agree, your doing the best thing you can getting educated. The book "Under the Influence" really helped me out alot... that and going to Open AA meetings and listening to it from the other side.
You might want to make plans that dont include depending on her... like a hotel instead of staying at her place etc....
I look forward to getting to know you... stick around and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome stelaaah! glad you're here
I second all the advice given above, as well as you might want to consider some Al-Anon meetings. It is for friends as well as families of problem drinkers.
I hope the trip goes well and you keep us posted.
I second all the advice given above, as well as you might want to consider some Al-Anon meetings. It is for friends as well as families of problem drinkers.
I hope the trip goes well and you keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Great advice already. Reading "Getting Them Sober" might also give you some help,IMHO. (you can preview some chapters at http://www.GettingThemSober.com)
Good luck to all of you.
p.s. I also believe staying in a hotel near-by would be a very good idea,too.
Good luck to all of you.
p.s. I also believe staying in a hotel near-by would be a very good idea,too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 5
Thanks - this is all good advice.
Hmmm...yes, a hotel and a rental car sound like a must.
Chaos and drama are things I'd not considered but should and will.
One thing that I'm apprehensive about is that she'll be expecting a 4-day "party" from my visit. It was like that the last time I went and it's the reason I'm so long overdue for a visit. I do drink, but lightly. I learned my limits years ago and at some point I just outgrew the bar-hopping thing. I think the last time I visited her I took some abuse for not keeping up. Maybe the last few visits.
Yes, definitely a hotel.
Okay, tomorrow I'll go to the library and check out "Under the Influence".
Just writing this post is causing me anxiety. Am I really up for this?
s
Hmmm...yes, a hotel and a rental car sound like a must.
Chaos and drama are things I'd not considered but should and will.
One thing that I'm apprehensive about is that she'll be expecting a 4-day "party" from my visit. It was like that the last time I went and it's the reason I'm so long overdue for a visit. I do drink, but lightly. I learned my limits years ago and at some point I just outgrew the bar-hopping thing. I think the last time I visited her I took some abuse for not keeping up. Maybe the last few visits.
Yes, definitely a hotel.
Okay, tomorrow I'll go to the library and check out "Under the Influence".
Just writing this post is causing me anxiety. Am I really up for this?
s
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by stellaaah! 
Just writing this post is causing me anxiety. Am I really up for this?
((()))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
If you are not feeling like you can be honest with her, tell her you are on Antiboxies (if I could spell) and you cant drink while on them.
One of these times you might have to think about setting a boundry where she is concerned.... Like not drinking with her.... Maybe she needs to know how you really feel and that way you are not enabling her to be in denial?
Just a thought is all
One of these times you might have to think about setting a boundry where she is concerned.... Like not drinking with her.... Maybe she needs to know how you really feel and that way you are not enabling her to be in denial?
Just a thought is all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 5
Pick-A-Name, thanks for that link. I've bookmarked it & will spend some time there. I'll look for that book (or the others) too.
Yes, I think that my NOT drinking with her on this trip would be wise, whether I use an excuse or just level with her.
No, I haven't set the date for the trip yet. It'll have to be after the holidays. Probably mid-January. I really do have a lot to do to prepare myself.
s
Yes, I think that my NOT drinking with her on this trip would be wise, whether I use an excuse or just level with her.
No, I haven't set the date for the trip yet. It'll have to be after the holidays. Probably mid-January. I really do have a lot to do to prepare myself.
s
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