hopeful skeptic

My husband went to detox 6 weeks ago and I told him as a condition of him coming home he would have to go to treatment...of course he didn't. I waited for him to mess up and of course, he did. I told him to move out and left town for a week...a week in which he , rather than moving, sat at my house and drank. I came home to a house strewn with beer cans, dirty diapers from the day I left, moldy dishes, and fruitflies EVERYWHERE. The two oldest of my four cried for three hours because they wanted to see Daddy and I had no clue where he was. The next day, my oldest was at school and my 2 younger kids were napping. My husband called to ask for a ride home...where he could get through his withdrawls and I said he's not allowed here. Exhausted from the 10 hour trip the day before, I dozed for about an hour while my four year old sat with me to watch a movie. When I woke up my son announced that Daddy's home now. I guess he let him in while I was snoozing. AH slept that entire day and most of the next day. I came home from work at about 1 am and he wanted to talk. Like everytime he's drank for the last 2 years, he proclaimed his guilt, his undying love for me and the kids, his intention to go to treatment, begged me to take him back, etc. For the first time I told him that I can't say that I'll ever take him back, that I am insane and he is insane and the kids are starting to have behavioral issues and I don't want this life anymore. I said that I have too much anger and resentment to be a good wife right now and that I obviously don't care enough for myself to do what's best for me but I love my babies and so for now, I'm doing what's best for them. I told him that I love him but when I wake up in the morning, I want him to have somewhere else to stay. Hardest thing I've ever had to do because I love him dearly but I know that he'll never get better if he has someone to take care of him.

A few hours later, he woke me up screaming about how I'm an alcoholic (I don't drink) and called me everyname in the book. He said he's never leaving, never going to treatment, will only address me a bitch from now on. That has been my home life for the last few days and I'm at the end of my rope.

In the menatime, I am finishing a semester at school and have 7 papers due in 36 hours and can't bring myself to do them. I can't seem to connect with my children and I have no one to turn to...my best friend in the world relapsed that same week I was gone (and then told me that she couldn't deal with life if I'm not there to help her). I hate her for relapsing but realize everybody makes mistakes. Tonight, she relapsed again and when I told her that I can't talk to her when she's drinking, she told me that she knows too many of my secrets and she will have to tell my husband (I'm not perfect so now I'm scared.)

I want to load up my kids and run away from here. I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my whole life. Christmas is around the corner and when my husband leaves, I will have to quit my job because I can't find a daycare for 4 kids or afford one. I'm feeling like a victim and I feel like there's nothing left for me but welfare and 4 kids who are going to see me as the bad guy for making their dad leave.

prodigal

I understand your problems with school. I dropped out this semester, with just three courses left to go to get my B.S. because I could no longer stand the "b.s." I was dealing with.

You mentioned you left wen he became unbearable. Is there a particular reason you left your kids with this irresponsible drunk? Please don't get me wrong, I am not criticizing you - perhaps you had no other options. I don't have kids, but I have two cats that I adore. Every single time I have left, those cats go with me. Why? Because I would not trust my AH to be responsible enough to care for them. Did you AH care for your children adequately while you were gone?

Who cares what your relapsed friend tells your husband? We are talking about two drunks getting together and throwing a pity party. Who knows how much she remembers accurately. She may not tell him anything. Is she threatening to "spill the beans" if you take off with your kids? If so, what kind of friend is she anyway?

Look, bottom line: this is about YOU and your CHILDREN. To he** with some drunk friend who "knows everything" or a husband who can't maintain sobriety. You and your children deserve better than this. I am sure you do not want to expose your children to a drunk father. To do so will cause them a lot of heartache and harm.

Friends? (I mean REAL friends.) Family? Someplace to go? A women's shelter? Love yourself and your children enough to get the heck outta this mess. Things may settle down. He may get better. Blow off the promises. Look at what he does to get better. Then make an informed decision.

prodigal

My AH came out of his THIRD detox/rehab on July 12. On July 30, he was pulled over on Lake Havasu, AZ, for operating a watercraft (our jetski) under the influence. I was not with him. There was no alcohol on that craft that I was aware of. Yet he had pulled two nights of drinking beforehand. He is still angry about it. Yeah, right....

I am with someone who has proven he cannot maintain sobriety. It devastated me the second time 'round in April '05 when he got rip-roaring drunk after about 30 days sober after coming out of a great rehab program.

Since then, I have accepted that it is HIS choice. It stinks. It sucks. I hate it. But it is his life and HIS choice. Now it is MY choice and MY choice alone as to whether I stay or leave; tolerate it or not. Only me.

mallowcup

You have to do what you CAN do. Get a restraining order. Stablize your household. Your kids are going to talk to someone and the trouble is, they need to. Your husband is going to have them so upset they will not only be having behavioral issues, it can actually make them physically ill. It's Christmas. Until your husband loses what he has, he won't miss it. What if social services had seen the way the house was? What if the neighbors here him rant and the kids crying? No decision has to be forever but for right now, you have to change what you can. Your life seems to be a bit unmanagable right now. Simplifiy. I am confused, did you take the kids with you or did they stay with him?

Cynay

Im sorry you are hurting and feel trapped. I can understand where that feeling comes from.... it took me 9 months of planning to leave my firt ex-Alcoholic.

One thing I did when I was in that position is, I started gathering information and making a plan. I started with a plan for emergencies... like a womens shelter, family, friends etc, Have a bag packed with cloths etc for the kids and yourself "just in case"... I figured out what I would do if he freaked today. Once I had the emergency plan in place I started working on the long term plans... how much it would cost to move or to stay and have him removed. I opened a privite bank account and start putting what I could in there etc. I was really suprised at how much more calm I was once I started taking positive steps.

I would suggest taking a look at Al-anon, or some type of support group. You would be amazed at the ES&H you can get from listening to other peoples stories... and it could give you not only Ideas but maybe you would meet someone that also needs a babysitter and you have opposite shifts??? Just learn all you can about the disease and about getting the focus on you and your children.

*hugs* .... Keep posting and working on it.... nothing is impossible.

Minx1969

OK..Breathe..

Then you need to make a list and take some actions.

School first:

You need to calmly call your professors and ask for an extension for the papers. Don't go into details - just say that there are some family emergency ssues at the moment that you have to deal with.

I did this 10 years ago in graduate school for my MBA when my ex-bf broke up with me and moved out.

I got the extensions and ended up getting A's on some of the papers.

You may or may not get the extensions but at least you can ask.

Then like Cynay said - start putting together a plan, do your resume, make a list.

By taking actions, you will start to feel less like a victim and more like someone who is capable of handling this crisis.

hopeful skeptic

I did take my kids with me. It was difficult driving for 10 hours with the kids but I never leave my kids. (OK more than difficult, it was challanging my insanity) Taking the trip, though, proved to me that I can do it by myself.

I decided to at least try to get extentions on my classes. I guess if my instructors refuse, I have one less thing to worry about.

Thank you for all the advice. I think having an emergency plan and a bag packed is a good idea. I just have to focus on it and figure it out. I'll post more later.

Zoey

I would like to suggest you call a lawyer, they will answer a few questions usually without charge. Check in the Yellow pages, it should say.

I think a crisis line would visit with you also about your options.

justagirl

A plan is a great idea. I wonder why I have never myself followed through with plans regarding my life w/o my A. I need to stop being such a P#$sy and stick to a plan!