enabler

I am married to a high functioning alcoholic. At least that's what one Dr. told me. AH and I own a very sucessful business. He is there very early and stays until past dark daily. He started drinking beer 20 yrs. ago daily. Only a few every day then of course more and more. I have literally raised my kids by myself because emotionally he is just not there for me. We have 2 beautiful daughters with a lot of sense. The girls are 10 yrs. apart. Ages 23 and 13. Hence, I think I just rolled along so many years ignoring....which brings us to the recent years. Five years ago he got a DWI. Myself and my parents justified. Well....it's just beer and he wasn't drunk, he just worked until late had a couple of beers and was tired. YEAH RIGHT!! That one cost us $8,000 for an attorney in order to be able to keep the insurance for our business. So he wised up for several years. He did only drink one or two before leaving which I still told him was stupid to do. He may not be drunk while driving home, but suppose someone pulled out in front of him...he would be busted again. So we rock along for 5 yrs. He is emotionally absent from family gatherings, spends all his time at work, or his deer lease(this is his down time, he says. It's his drinking spot to me.) I confront him several times over the course of these years...you need to admit you have a drinking problem...his response is classic...I can control what I drink, I don't have a problem...I don't care where you or the kids go on a trip, or out to dinner, just not my thing...In other words, leave me alone to do my thing. So Labor Day he takes off for the deer lease to spend yet another holiday with down time. And the kids and I are left alone. Sunday morning of Labor Day, I get the dreaded call. (AH's friend is calling me.) There has been a 4-wheeler accident with AH and I have him at the little hospital in the nearest town from the deer lease. He was drunk, on the 4-wheeler, and ran through a barbed wire fence. He has cut his trachea. He is stable for now, but...he is being life flighted to next biggest town. I have to tell you it's bad, but I think he will make it. I think you need to come, once life flight gets him there they will probably have to do surgery on his trach. So I call my cousin to go with me, as this is a four hour drive. We take off, getting updates and the friend filling us in on the way there. The rest of the story is pathetic. AH went through the fence around 6pm the previous day. Friend and son were in the back pasture filling their feeders. When they came to the cabin, AH was in the bed. The friend knew he had been drinking all day and thought he just passed out. Thank God the friend doesn't drink. Seems AH ran through the fence, flipped the 4-wheeler, to drunk to find his way out of the pasture, and walked back to the cabin. He then took a shower, wrapped a towel around his neck, hid his bloody clothes under the bed, and went to sleep. No knowing he was so hurt he was bleeding badly. At 2am he woke friend and told him, I think I need to get to the hospital. The friend freaks, he doesn't even know he ran through the fence at this point. Anyway he gets him to the hospital, his blood alcohol at this point is 2 1/2 times the legal limit. The Dr's say at the time of the accident it was probably close to toxic. 60 staples were put in his neck and head without anesthetic because he has so much alcohol in his system. He is life flighted to a larger hospital. The friend is questioned by police. Why did you wait so long to bring him in? How did this happen? Poor guy!! He is such a great person and didn't deserve this. He said his biggest fear was that he was going to die on the way to the hospital. No one deserves this type of fear being interjected on them. Long story, short. He made it, is back at work, and didn't drink for a week after the accident. big deal. Can you believe after thinking he was going to die, he will still carry his ice chest in the back of his truck. Now granted he has slowed way down.I think maybe only one or two a day. But I know it's only a matter of time before he slides right in to an increase of drinking. I told him after the accident that drinking is not allowed at this house any more. He took me at my word. He drinks his two at work, drives home, and so he did exactly what I told him to. Alcoholics always find a way around, don't they? So here I am sitting alone again while he's at the deer lease. Simply don't know what to do anymore. I just know I fricking hate the phssst sound of a can opening. Completely numb right now. I don't think I have any feelings left for him. He's killed it all. Our medical insurance went up loads after this because the bill for the accident was over $20,000 dollars. Well yeah....Life Flight was $9,000 by itself. He thinks now he is being so much better since he has cut down. At least he does seem more coherent in the evenings. Yuck, still think I need to kick him to the curb. Trying to figure out what to do.

Cynay

Welcome.... Good Heavens that is pretty hard to go though.... Yea numb is probably a pretty safe place for you to be at the moment ... but unfortunally you will thaw out and have to deal with the fear and emotions.

Please read the stickies at the top of the form and keep posting. You dont have to be alone in any of this. Seems to me he has not hit his bottom as yet and until he does there is nothing you can really do but get help for yourself and start on your recovery.

I look forward to getting to know you and Im sorry your having to go through this.

Pick-a-name

Welcome enabler !!! I am so glad you found us.

So much of your story is my story!!! Except the DUI (not yet) and the accident (although a variation on that kind of thing,too ) the whole thing sounds so similar....even that dreaded "POP!" of the beer can. ugh! Just reading that gave me the feelings that sound can conjure up.

My AH just found his own way around this problem....sold the business he started and ran the past 15 plus years (now still working for them,until they fire him it seems) and he moved out to contiue drinking,etc,etc and just divorced me after 27yrs of marriage. He doesn't see it as a problem...just wants to have fun! (Our 24yr and 18yr old don't see it the same way he does...they would no longer live with him and his drinking which did make it easier for me to keep my boundary after he moved out).

This place has been a God-send for me. It really helps me to read and post and start to focus on me. Things are still difficult, but at least I am getting the tools to start to deal with the reality of the situation.

I hope you stick around.

I am sorry for your pain and sheer exhaustion from all this....I do understand,as I know most of us here do. You are in good company here.

denny57

Yes, I do. I would imagine the rationalization is god loves him so much he didn't die from the accident and so the drinking is not that bad. That's a guess, because I have no idea how the mind of an addict works.

I'm sorry you have gotten to the numb stage. I went through that, too. Months later it led to me seeking help for my own recovery, so there was an upside to the numbness. Have you tried Al-Anon?

It was difficult because AH was so functional for so long - we had a very successful business, too. A couple years ago he started a very rapid decline. We are divorcing, his health is in serious condition and he hasn't worked since June.

Glad you're here - keep posting - look forward to getting to know you.

((()))

enabler

Thank you for responding. I will keep reading. It really hit me when you said, you don't think he has hit bottom. The "accident would have been bottom for me" He literally was within 30 minutes of bleeding to death. And...he knew it. Geez, what does it take?

denny57

Unfortunately, there's no telling. Some never hit bottom. Some bounce around down there for quite a while. For some bottom is death. I learned I had to put the focus on me and what I wanted for my life. It was difficult after 18 years of putting the focus on AH; it's hard work but worth it.

Good luck.

Cynay

We never know what it takes.... that is the scarry part. But if he is drinking today then it was probably not his bottom.

This is not only a physical disease it is a disease of the mind and his perception. The longer they are drinking the more distorted there perception for reality becomes (Im not an alcoholic so this is only my understanding) therefore what you or I would conceive is a bottom might not be anywhere near how they see it.

enabler

Since the accident I have tried to put the focus on me and my youngest daughter, who is 13. She says to divorce him. She doesn't have a clue who he is. He never spends time with her. I'm just at the point that I'm 50 yrs. old, still pretty nice looking, and would love to have a person in my life to spend time with. I guess I'm at...when is it time for me? Questioning all of that kind of thing now. The day I walked in to my parent's after the accident..my Mom said, "Are you done now?" That statement was pretty profound to me. Yet, I feel sorry for him still.....

Cynay

Well .... I know that feeling as well, I did not end my realtionship, he left me....

But if you think about it.... you asked when his bottome will be?

We are no different..... When will your bottom be?

StandingStrong

I am so glad to see you reaching out for your own recovery. Coming out of the denial and working towards your own serenity is just the beginning of what can be for your own life!
It seems from your post that he's been so umemotionally available for so long, that really, you are just co-existing. With possibly, you picking up and repairing the damaged peices when you can. (I know that for myself, this was the case in my marriage).

As was already said above, some A's never reach "their bottom" or death becomes the only bottom that is low enough. Regardless of your AH's denial of his problem - I'd say that you need to learn to distinguish what is his to own and what is yours. You can have a better life even if he chooses to keep living as he is.. That was hard for me to realize and understand at first, but it really is true.

Keep reading and posting here - and welcome to SR.

enabler

I think my bottom is now...Just trying to come to terms with it, I guess. I only wish he would leave me, it would make it easier. I did notice with several of you that he did leave. Why is that? Because you set boundries and they didn't want to have them? So they leave in order to drink?

denny57

Ours was a little complicated - we left each other. I told AH I was in Al-Anon; he cut me off; I told him he could not come back to house unless he went into recovery; he filed for divorce.

I'm 49. I had many signs along the way, especially the last 6-7 years. A huge wake up call for me was when our doctor told me he would hate to see me in his office at 60, 65, 70, depressed because I had stayed in an unhealthy, non-fulfilling relationship. He said it was all too common in his practice.

I got myself into Al-Anon and therapy and haven't looked back. I get plenty of male attention, and someday soon I'll be giving it back - when I'm healthy enough.

enabler

I think what is so hard for me is when I try to talk to him he stays so calm. I realize this is his manipulation. By calm I mean he looks at me with this calm resolve and says, I don't have a problem. I've looked at it at all angles. Totally take away the alcohol. He is still emotionally absent. Spends all his time at the deer lease. In other words...I'm single with a piece of paper that ties me to him. I'm living single just not. This is where I have trouble finding the right way to phrase the boundry thing to him. I guess you can tell communication has fallen to an all time low. You're right. I'm coasting.

dayxday

Hi enabler,
I have experienced a similar situation. My AH uses alcohol and drugs to free himself of painful experiences he would rather not face.

Last March, he was very upset with his family. Said he was taking the dog for a walk to the park. Little did I know at 10:30 in the morning he had filled a flask with pure alcohol and took that in his pocket with him to numb his pain at the park.

On the way back the dog got loose from him, he chased her and I get a telephone call from concerned citizenes on his cell phone saying he had falllen, was confused and the dog was loose.

So I the ever present protector, got in my car and drove to where he was. The dog jumped right in the car and I went to where my AH was sitting on the curb. I should have known the look, should have smelled the alchohol but he always smells like that.

I got him home, put the dog away and went to help him into the house. Coming through the door, he passed out and fell forward. Still no clue in my mind.... I try to get him up thinking he was dizzy and when I rolled him over I see that he had hit his head on the corner of the wall. Head split wide open and blood pouring out, he was unconcious, eyes rolled back in his head, shallow breathing. I called 911 and when they got here they asked how much he had to drink. I said he hadn't drank anything to which they replied he is really intoxicated.

So..... trip by aid car to the hospital and he blows a .30 at the hospital. They had to do the same thing with him - stitch 4" gashin in his head with no pain releiver because of the alcohol. He also had a concusion.

So what does he do? Follows up with his Dr next day and gets pain medication. That seemed to suffice in place of alcohol for a few weeks until the pain pills ran out. Gave some of the pills to is alcoholic brother.

But it did scare him - and scared me. I really thought he was done that time. But when pills ran out - the brother said, come on one beer won't hurt you!! Don't we all know that it doesn't stop at one beer? He promised he would keep it under control - he could do it. Yeah Right!

Several other bad situations from there but we are now legally separated. I have a post from yesterday regarding my current saga. Husband in treatment - where do I go from here if you would like to read.

I know my AH is in treatment now, but I don't really think this is his rock-bottom. I think he is scared because he knows I am done, done, done with him and his family and their drinking. I know he thinks he only has to go to treatment and I will bend one more time.

Not this time! I love him and I do hope to save our marriage but there is no way I am going to allow his behaviors to control my life anymore.

Because of my situation, I have found myself in counseling and have found alanon, AA and this site. I am reading books and trying to find the right space and place for myself.

It is so very helpful to have the support of others who know what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your post - I will keep you in my prayers.

dayxday

Pick-a-name

Yes.that is what happened. Also, he also evidently found out he could find other enablers who would put up with the drinking,etc (at least for awhile,although he tries to deny that to me and the kids for some bizarre reason). He is starting to have problems now that I have become aware of; health,job,and probaly lots of other things. I know he is having problems with our children and even me.....trying to have a "family" relationship with us and also his "fun life". Financially he has been generous with me (and the kids) and that is now his "link" to us..........we don't "overlook the stuff",we just don't put up with it. He is scrambling around trying to "look good" It is all so odd.I try not to even waste the energy in trying to make sense of any of it (most days) because there is really no telling what he is thinking (or IF he is! ha) Really.I think he is just reacting and I am trying not to do the same thing.

Seems like there is no good solution to any of this except to put the focus on yourself and start to treat yourself in a kinder,gentler way.

Pick-a-name

Actually, that is what happened with us,too. He got angry and left and I told him this and we were in "limbo" for several years. He filed and the divorce was earlier this year.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hello enabler time will tell and you will know what is right for you and your younger child. Cynay is right numb is ok.