The best for me, the worst for him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: ND
Posts: 32
The best for me, the worst for him?
Tonight I told my fiance to come over to my place tomorrow while I am at work to get all of his things.
I am so sad.
He admitted he is an alcoholic in July and did go through treatment that he checked himself into. I thought he was doing ok. From what I knew he had slipped 3 times since July and was trying hard. I come to find out for truth what I have known all along. It is more like he isn't in recovery. He is doing the meeting thing but not with a sponser and he is still drinking about once every 2 weeks or maybe more, i don't know. We do not live together and right now I am working 60 hour weeks.
So I am worried about him. Before anyone says anything, yes I do do al-anon and I have read many books on the subject of co dependency.
I am just so scared because I know leaving him is best for me. My heart tells me otherwise. He is not verbally or physically abusive. He doesn't spend $ like crazy. He is just extremely depressed and not actively seeking recovery.
I know he is so lonely and scared himself. I have tried to offer any help. I try to talk to him and get him to talk. He barely says a word.
So tonight I said good bye at least for now. If he is in this incredibly vulnerable state, did I do the right thing?
Any advice or comforting words are extremely needed and appreciated.
THANKS
I am so sad.
He admitted he is an alcoholic in July and did go through treatment that he checked himself into. I thought he was doing ok. From what I knew he had slipped 3 times since July and was trying hard. I come to find out for truth what I have known all along. It is more like he isn't in recovery. He is doing the meeting thing but not with a sponser and he is still drinking about once every 2 weeks or maybe more, i don't know. We do not live together and right now I am working 60 hour weeks.
So I am worried about him. Before anyone says anything, yes I do do al-anon and I have read many books on the subject of co dependency.
I am just so scared because I know leaving him is best for me. My heart tells me otherwise. He is not verbally or physically abusive. He doesn't spend $ like crazy. He is just extremely depressed and not actively seeking recovery.
I know he is so lonely and scared himself. I have tried to offer any help. I try to talk to him and get him to talk. He barely says a word.
So tonight I said good bye at least for now. If he is in this incredibly vulnerable state, did I do the right thing?
Any advice or comforting words are extremely needed and appreciated.
THANKS
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
The best for me, the worst for him?
Your being an example of what can be and him coming to the realization of what he is doing to...himself ...could be the result of what you are doing.
Doesn't mean it will happen but it may help the odds.
You need do what you need do and only he can do what he needs do for himself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Saint Joseph, MO
Posts: 6
Hi Kipper,
I'm very new here (just registered yesterday), but I can relate completely. My husband is also a nonviolent alcoholic, and I am trying to untangle myself financially so that I can leave him while working/school 60 hours a week.
Obviously I have no answers but I know how hard it is the first night of a break-up. I wish I had more to offer than understanding. I guess the only thing I would add is that I think you've offered him more than enough. He's had your support and turned it down while he continued to drink. I think you might have to accept that he's going to drink until he's ready to stop and decide if you can live with his drinking. I've never personally met anyone who quit drinking long-term for someone else that stuck to it.
I'm very new here (just registered yesterday), but I can relate completely. My husband is also a nonviolent alcoholic, and I am trying to untangle myself financially so that I can leave him while working/school 60 hours a week.
Obviously I have no answers but I know how hard it is the first night of a break-up. I wish I had more to offer than understanding. I guess the only thing I would add is that I think you've offered him more than enough. He's had your support and turned it down while he continued to drink. I think you might have to accept that he's going to drink until he's ready to stop and decide if you can live with his drinking. I've never personally met anyone who quit drinking long-term for someone else that stuck to it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
only u can decide.
do u feel comfortable with the situation?
u should know that without active meaningful recovery, alcoholism gets progressively worse
before my aw became overtly addicted, she was the best person i had ever known. barely a social drinker.
if i had to live with her new attitute/mentation from the start i could not have done it.
i very well recall a pre marriage alcoholic girlfriend i had. that relationship did not/could not progress anywhere except downward.
perhaps fear of losing an enabler could motivate him into meaningful recovery?
do u feel comfortable with the situation?
u should know that without active meaningful recovery, alcoholism gets progressively worse
before my aw became overtly addicted, she was the best person i had ever known. barely a social drinker.
if i had to live with her new attitute/mentation from the start i could not have done it.
i very well recall a pre marriage alcoholic girlfriend i had. that relationship did not/could not progress anywhere except downward.
perhaps fear of losing an enabler could motivate him into meaningful recovery?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Continue to do what is best for you. I was an emotional wreck ending an 18-year relationship. But I knew I had to do it. Working the program of Al-Anon and attending open AA meetings has really helped me understand that I have done what is best for me - and the alcoholic. It isn't for the meek - you are stronger than you know.
((()))
((()))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
I am really proud of you for being able to "see" the situation and DO something about it. As Best wisely said sometimes the best thing to do for yourself is also the best you can do for your lover.
I would not have gotten sober if it were not for the fact that my husband woke me up one morning (afternoon, night, whatever) and told me he was leaving because he could not for one more moment (it had been years) watch me doing bad things to myself. It was breaking his heart and he had to take care of himself for a change, because I was driving him nuts.
There's a lot I'm thankful for, but seeing him do the right thing for himself gave me, in some odd way.. probably just fear, the strength to do right by myself and those who love me.
Follow through with your plans and see what happens. In any case you can't lose. Transition is painful... it's difficult and crazymaking but we gotta move on.
I would not have gotten sober if it were not for the fact that my husband woke me up one morning (afternoon, night, whatever) and told me he was leaving because he could not for one more moment (it had been years) watch me doing bad things to myself. It was breaking his heart and he had to take care of himself for a change, because I was driving him nuts.
There's a lot I'm thankful for, but seeing him do the right thing for himself gave me, in some odd way.. probably just fear, the strength to do right by myself and those who love me.
Follow through with your plans and see what happens. In any case you can't lose. Transition is painful... it's difficult and crazymaking but we gotta move on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
hey kipper my ex did the same thing- manipulated me into believing he was in recovery or at least trying while he in actuality was doing what he wanted all along.
He would go to meetings but he didn't really have a sponsor or any of that, and he was still doing the weekend binges too at least every 2 weeks. Going to AA means more than taking a load off on a folding chair in some church basement.
I agree with best also.
Remember nothing changes if nothing changes. He needs to get to the point where he wants to change his life. Your continuing to be there hasn't done it so far, because no matter how much he may love you, it just doesnt work that way. Allowing him to stay with you and continuing on in this state would actually be enabling. Taking care of yourself right now is actually the best thing you can do for both of you.
(hugs) Stick around and I'll keep both of you in my prayers.
He would go to meetings but he didn't really have a sponsor or any of that, and he was still doing the weekend binges too at least every 2 weeks. Going to AA means more than taking a load off on a folding chair in some church basement.
I agree with best also.
Remember nothing changes if nothing changes. He needs to get to the point where he wants to change his life. Your continuing to be there hasn't done it so far, because no matter how much he may love you, it just doesnt work that way. Allowing him to stay with you and continuing on in this state would actually be enabling. Taking care of yourself right now is actually the best thing you can do for both of you.
(hugs) Stick around and I'll keep both of you in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: ND
Posts: 32
A big thanks to all who have replied!
Knowing this is best for both of us does make me feel a little relief. VERY LITTLE! Today is hard. I feel like everything is falling down around me.
I am just going to keep reading and posting and going to meetings. There is one tonight that I like.
It is a huge struggle for me to realize that I can't fix this for him. I can only fix it for me. The only way for me to do this is to do the one thing I haven't done and that is to let him go.
Kipper
Knowing this is best for both of us does make me feel a little relief. VERY LITTLE! Today is hard. I feel like everything is falling down around me.
I am just going to keep reading and posting and going to meetings. There is one tonight that I like.
It is a huge struggle for me to realize that I can't fix this for him. I can only fix it for me. The only way for me to do this is to do the one thing I haven't done and that is to let him go.
Kipper
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hi Kipper- and welcome -
My husband refused to go into recovery and just to show you how progression can be??? After 22 years he left the kids and I for an alcoholic/meth addict and divorced me and married her within a month of our divorce. But he swore he loved me every day including the night before he left. We haven't heard from him since....that was July 2005. Our children will have nothing to do with him - and niether will our grandkids...stay the course hun...he HAS to get help for himself and by himself or it just won't work. YOU did the absolute best thing. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
Janit
My husband refused to go into recovery and just to show you how progression can be??? After 22 years he left the kids and I for an alcoholic/meth addict and divorced me and married her within a month of our divorce. But he swore he loved me every day including the night before he left. We haven't heard from him since....that was July 2005. Our children will have nothing to do with him - and niether will our grandkids...stay the course hun...he HAS to get help for himself and by himself or it just won't work. YOU did the absolute best thing. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
Janit
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
And just to give you another perspective, I was absolutely certain that my husband would end up homeless or dead when I kicked him out of the house in August 2005. My fears and guilt almost made me change my mind, but I was so worn down I couldn't live with him another day.
Today, he is sober for over a year and, although we are not officially reconciled, we are talking and hoping to put our marriage back together. We will celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary this month.
Who knows what will happen next week, next month, next year? You have to do what is best for you today. The rest is out of your hands.
L
Today, he is sober for over a year and, although we are not officially reconciled, we are talking and hoping to put our marriage back together. We will celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary this month.
Who knows what will happen next week, next month, next year? You have to do what is best for you today. The rest is out of your hands.
L
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
He is not verbally or physically abusive. He doesn't spend $ like crazy. He is just extremely depressed and not actively seeking recovery.
Welcome to the forum.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Each of us have control over ourselves - and ourselves only.
What you feel may be best for you but worse for him - as was said above, may not come out to be true.
But I guess because I see him not working his recovery - as an adult - he is responsible for himself. If he chooses to live that way, it's his choice. Just as you have a choice to move on with your life and have a healthier life.
It is not your responsibility to talk to him, hold his hand and make him feel better. If he's not happy with his life - it's up to him to do something about it.
I know it's painful to watch those we love self-destruct and go through pain - but one can't be rescued unless 1) they want rescued and 2) they are willing to rescue themselves.
What you feel may be best for you but worse for him - as was said above, may not come out to be true.
But I guess because I see him not working his recovery - as an adult - he is responsible for himself. If he chooses to live that way, it's his choice. Just as you have a choice to move on with your life and have a healthier life.
It is not your responsibility to talk to him, hold his hand and make him feel better. If he's not happy with his life - it's up to him to do something about it.
I know it's painful to watch those we love self-destruct and go through pain - but one can't be rescued unless 1) they want rescued and 2) they are willing to rescue themselves.
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