tears of a lady

I have lived my whole marriage with an AH and many times seemed so feed up that I wanted to instantly divorce him, The truth about that is that is easily said than done, Currently he has put himself again in a position to not be here 100% for our Children and myself.( In jail agian for a DWI ) Iam so hurt that he could be so selfish and get himself in that position.I threatned divorce and he poured his heart out telling me he didnt want to live this way anymore and wanted treatment!!! How can I support him in this and not worry about enabling him anymore with all his excused on why he had to drink.He has been in jail a month now is that enough time for the body to detox? I too have some addictions that need to be addressed. Im not a drinker so I do not understand why he has to drink to the point of disruption in the household,But I do ingage in smoking pot to calm the nerves and the muscle pain I have from the stress of feeling like a single Mother and a wife that takes care of practiclly all the responsibility!! ( work,home,kids,and bills) and I also take perscription pills if I dont have anything to smoke.I know I have a problom too but I carry on my day as normal as possible.I never put my resposibilities to the back burner.Everyone in my life is always first before myself. I love my husband,he has been part of me for 12 years of my life.but I need him to stop drinking!!! Iam tierd but I want healing in our home!!

Minx1969

Then let the healing begin with you..Start taking responsibility for your addictions and your well being..Start working your own program of recovery...

Both partners need to get well for a relationship to work..

embraced2000

hello tears
i am way too new to my own recovery to offer many words of wisdom cept this.....keep reading and sharing others experiences, strengths, and hopes.

blessings
jeri

an'ka

Tears, a couple of things struck me as I read your post. First, it is highly unlikely that your husband's DWI was a malicious attempt to hurt you and the children. He is addicted and logical reasoning simply does not apply in this situation. Your AH is sick and needs help. Second, AH is in jail, you threaten divorce, and he begins singing sweet songs about treatment. This is a classic technique that an addict will use to keep the enabler hooked in. With or without intention, an alcoholic will manipulate his loved ones with words in order to maintain status quo. He is afraid his life will change and will do anything to prevent that from happening. Why is he saying it now? Didn't he realize he had a problem with alcohol before this DWI? Did he have an aha moment all of a sudden? Now, it may very well be that your AH is ready to seek help; however, I suspect that as soon as he returns to the life as usual, he will also return to drinking. I am by no means an expert, but have experienced and read enough to make me belive that in the majority of cases, promises made under some kind of external duress do not hold value and will go by the wayside as soon as life returns to normal.

We all want healing in our homes. We all need peace and love, and wish those we care for live well. However, you cannot stop AH from drinking until he is ready to make that move. Please continue posting, Tears.

cagefree

Hi Tears,

I thanked your post, because out of all of the raging I've been doing, blaming rampages I've gone on...I did some wrong things in my relationship too and I need to work on me. I needed to be reminded.

I sometimes fantasize about him meeting me a year from now, him still being religiously in recovery and I think...what if...then I think, if I'm still raging and out for blood, no healthy man will want to be with me - even the one I just kicked out.

Either way, I've got to get healthy and recover.

StandingStrong

You said "I know I have a problem too but I carry on my day as normal as possible". You realize that this is what any and all addicts do? They may know they have a problem, but they justify it with their excuses (just like you did above when you said "to calm the nerves and the muscle pain I have from the stress ".

From what I am reading, you are admitting you have a problem. You justify your usage though by giving an excuse. And when your drug of choice is not available, you substitute it with anoother drug. You carry on as normal as possible. And even though you admit you have a problem, you do nothing to stop it.
Truly - I believe that you need to take the focus off your AH and put it on yourself. Your recovery as an addict as well as a codependant!

I do not wish to sound harsh with you tears. I am only pointing out to you what you said. In my opinion, you are doing just as your AH does, only with a different DOC.

Please give this some thought - and make the choice for recovery. For yourself and for your children.

mallowcup

You won't like this. You are disgusted with his addictions and very elequant about justifying yours. You are exactly one arrest away from being your husbands cellmate. Both if you need to get clean. If he's driving you to smoke pot and abuse prescription medications, medicate yourself with a divorce. The only thing is, usually all dirty laundry comes out in a divorce. I hope the two of you clean yourselves up and make a home for your kids.

FormerDoormat

That's because you allow it. You can choose otherwise.

Don't you think it's time you stop worrying about fixing something you can't fix--your husband's drinking--and get to work on fixing your own problems--drug addiction and codependency?

Getting high doesn't solve problems, it just puts them off for a later day, and it's a terrible example to set for your children. They need sober, reliable, and emotionally healthy parents. It's not too late to break the chain.

wraybear

Jail is sometimes the best place for them to confront their addiction. Sounds like he may be doing that. My AH did the cement floor detox also, for 30 days. He met an angel in jail. An older gentlemen who talked to him all the time about AA. My drunkard of a husband (30 years of alcoholism) has now been sober almost 15 months. I had given up on him getting sober. I had filed for divorce. I stopped lying about his whereabouts - if someone asked me about him, I told them the TRUTH. The TRUTH will set you free - I truly believe this. I STOPPED ENABLING HIM! I had no contact with him while he was in jail. I didn't bail him out, I went on my merry way with our two little children. And, poof. He is now going to 8-10 AA meetings a week, sponsoring other men, leading meetings. It is a miracle.

With all that said, I hope and pray you can find the strength to work on your own addictions. It is time for you and your children to live a healthy and happy life. You CAN DO THIS with or without him! You concentrate on you and miracles will start happening!

Janitw

Wray - thats a wonderful story....see they can do it if they want to can't they??? Great post hun...thats the kind of thing that hopes are based on.

Janit

FriendofBill

The only way to help an alcoholic is to get help yourself.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Al-anon is where I belong. You will find help, hope and support there. But please go only if you want to help him....and yourself.