Decision: do I leave or stay? READ THIS BOOK!!!
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Books are my D.O.C. 
I love bookmooch.com for swapping used books. All you pay is the postage for sending out your own books to someone who wants them.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Haha, I wonder if anyone else has ever NOT wanted to read the book so they wouldn't be talked out of going!?
I am going. As soon as I have the means, I am out. There are lots of reasons for me to stay, but I want out, and I have for years.
I am going. As soon as I have the means, I am out. There are lots of reasons for me to stay, but I want out, and I have for years.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
The book is excellent
Gypsy, the book is excellent, a different approach to making this decision. I don't think you will find the book suggesting that you stay if you feel the way you do. But it might help to clarify why you want out.
When I read the book it suggested I would be happier if I left. I am still in the relationship but ever so close to leaving. I am being gentle with myself about my slow process. I have thought of so many reasons why I stay, but when it really comes down to it, I am afraid of being alone. That's what it is all about. So I continue to go to counseling, writing in my journal, and going to Alanon meetings.
In my mind, I am like you, I have basically already left. The physical leaving is coming soon.
I wish you all the best as you move toward what is best for you.
When I read the book it suggested I would be happier if I left. I am still in the relationship but ever so close to leaving. I am being gentle with myself about my slow process. I have thought of so many reasons why I stay, but when it really comes down to it, I am afraid of being alone. That's what it is all about. So I continue to go to counseling, writing in my journal, and going to Alanon meetings.
In my mind, I am like you, I have basically already left. The physical leaving is coming soon.
I wish you all the best as you move toward what is best for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Another great source for used books in great shape is Alibris books Alibris: Used Books, Used Textbooks, Rare & Out-of-Print Books
I love abebooks too!
I love abebooks too!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Amazon also has used ones starting at $2.62.. I've always had good luck buying from thier vendors. Bascially you just pay the shiping so the book would cost about 5 or 6 bucks..
Amazon.com: Used and New: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
Amazon.com: Used and New: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
I just finished reading this book about 2 weeks ago. But when reading it just to deal with an alcoholic spouse/bf/gf...She has many "questions" and you answer each one yes or no. One is about lying in a relationship...that when you can't trust what someone says when they speak, deal breaker. Also, another on addicts, same thing.
It was a good book, but seems kinda common sense. I already knew about the lying and being an addict, the question is whether to stay or not. And many here give the same advice she gives.
It was a good book, but seems kinda common sense. I already knew about the lying and being an addict, the question is whether to stay or not. And many here give the same advice she gives.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
would me telling him that it made me upset to see him drinking again...and him going into his constant and repeating tape...that i think he is ... and blah blah blah...and that i blame him for ... and blah blah blah...and a huge tantrum...after which i just don't want to talk anymore...or i set boundaries with him and tell him i am the only one in our family who has done any recovery work and that i am tired...and him doing silent treatment for another day until i break the freeze...does this count? i am thinking it does, but now am in his home country where he has found work, our money is gone...our children are for him...and i need to seriously address this...and feel like it is going to be "too" hard...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Irisgardens, I wonder if you accidentally posted in a thread other than where you intended to? Seems like this thread is made up of book suggestions, and then there is your post--just didn't want you to wonder if you weren't getting feedback in a timely manner.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Library is a free option
Just wanted to add here that many times, libraries have the books people are mentioning. If your local branch does not have it, ask if they do interlibrary loans. We have a wonderful system in Wisconsin--I can go online, access the ENTIRE catalog for my county, put any item I wish on hold and have it sent to the branch I want to pick it up from, and best of all, it's all free! One use of my tax dollars that I wholeheartedly agree with!
This is a nice option b/c it doesn't require an expenditure if your means are already limited, and it's also a way to read the book and decide if you do want to purchase it and keep it as reference material or if just checking it out of the library was enough. A $$ saver either way.
This is a nice option b/c it doesn't require an expenditure if your means are already limited, and it's also a way to read the book and decide if you do want to purchase it and keep it as reference material or if just checking it out of the library was enough. A $$ saver either way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
There's another book that also is quite good about evaluating whether a relationship is 'stay' worthy. It's called "Should I stay or Should I Go", I think the author is Lundy Bancroft who also wrote "Why Does he do That; Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men".
I'm not sure if we're allowed to put links in posts here but you can do a search for further information on Bancroft's book. He has a printable work page for MEN and for you to give to your partner if they are open to it, to see if they are willing to work on their end of things. You can search under "Should I Stay or Should I go?" I've been working through the book slowly as it has lots of journaling and some deep mental/emotional work for me to work through.
I also enjoyed the book that is posted here on this thread, but I found that Bancroft's book had more introspective work to go along with it and I liked the fact that he had resources available for the other abusive/damaging spouse. Both books are great, though, and have been helpful to me.
I'm not sure if we're allowed to put links in posts here but you can do a search for further information on Bancroft's book. He has a printable work page for MEN and for you to give to your partner if they are open to it, to see if they are willing to work on their end of things. You can search under "Should I Stay or Should I go?" I've been working through the book slowly as it has lots of journaling and some deep mental/emotional work for me to work through.
I also enjoyed the book that is posted here on this thread, but I found that Bancroft's book had more introspective work to go along with it and I liked the fact that he had resources available for the other abusive/damaging spouse. Both books are great, though, and have been helpful to me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by lizatola
There's another book that also is quite good about evaluating whether a relationship is 'stay' worthy. It's called "Should I stay or Should I Go", I think the author is Lundy Bancroft who also wrote "Why Does he do That; Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men".
I'm not sure if we're allowed to put links in posts here but you can do a search for further information on Bancroft's book. He has a printable work page for MEN and for you to give to your partner if they are open to it, to see if they are willing to work on their end of things. You can search under "Should I Stay or Should I go?" I've been working through the book slowly as it has lots of journaling and some deep mental/emotional work for me to work through.
I also enjoyed the book that is posted here on this thread, but I found that Bancroft's book had more introspective work to go along with it and I liked the fact that he had resources available for the other abusive/damaging spouse. Both books are great, though, and have been helpful to me.
I'm not sure if we're allowed to put links in posts here but you can do a search for further information on Bancroft's book. He has a printable work page for MEN and for you to give to your partner if they are open to it, to see if they are willing to work on their end of things. You can search under "Should I Stay or Should I go?" I've been working through the book slowly as it has lots of journaling and some deep mental/emotional work for me to work through.
I also enjoyed the book that is posted here on this thread, but I found that Bancroft's book had more introspective work to go along with it and I liked the fact that he had resources available for the other abusive/damaging spouse. Both books are great, though, and have been helpful to me.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Irisgardens, feel free to post a new thread here. Go to the top left of our F&F of A's home page and there is a button titled "new thread". Click on that and type away! It will get much more traffic, I promise.
~T
~T
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Thanks!
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Irisgardens, feel free to post a new thread here. Go to the top left of our F&F of A's home page and there is a button titled "new thread". Click on that and type away! It will get much more traffic, I promise.
~T
~T
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by lizatola
OK, so I went to the 'men's chapters' that you can print and finally read it all the way through. Wow! I wish my AH would be willing to do the exercises and read it and take it to heart. I recommend reading it because every excuse I've heard is in there and I know now that I am doing the right thing by standing my ground. It's quite eye opening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Bluegalangal
I don't know if mine will ever read or do the chapters (you can go to his website and print out the PDFs for the two men's chapters for free, with no identifying info on them), but it was at least somewhat validating for me to read them and to think hey, at least someone gets it.
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