melonhead

My mom was bi-polar, and a drunk. Almost everyone in her family was an alkie. I remember spending a lot of time at my (step)grandmother's house when I was smaller. Later on, in Jr. High, my mom divorced my dad on one of her manic cycles. Then he wasn't around to pay the bills the next time she really crashed. She self-medicated with booze.

Sister and I got real good at enabling. That drama went on until she was institutionalized 5 years later.

Fast forward to my adult life. Surprise surprise, I married a bartender. I shoulda seen that one coming, huh??? Well, he was only a social drinker for a long time. OK, sometimes he drank more than the others around us, but he never got a DUI or had an accident, so what's my problem?

He started drinking wine at lunch on Sunday and acting like he didn't even like me anymore. I put all that down to a midlife crisis he was fighting off. But he drank a LOT on Sunday. Every Sunday, and he was no angel on the weekdays too.

Unbeknownst to me he had fallen in love with someone else, she had dumped him and he was self-medicating with red wine. I was drinking more wine than I should have each night at dinner. Over the next 8 years we had some of the world's stupidest arguments. You guys ever argue with a drunk about his table manners? Don't bother. Even when he is sober he is NEVER WRONG.

After I busted him for cheating, I stayed around almost 2 years to try to "heal" the marriage. Funny thing is he would never say anything to me about our marriage or us unless he had had a few drinks. Frankly I egged him on, because I needed some kind of response from him, even if it was drunken thinking.

I left him July 27th, without even trying to even explain it to him one more time. We had been married for 26 years. I think the first 16 of them were OK, but I doubt everthing these days. Even our marriage counselor says hes a jerk and I am well off without him. I have a chance at happiness, he'll never be happy.

He is a functioning alkie. Never drunk enough to get in trouble, but enough to get emotionally abusive with me and our daughter. He'll tell you he doesn't have a drinking problem. And, after all, he is ALWAYS RIGHT.

My biggest regret is not taking my daughter away from him 10 years ago when all this ca-ca started. I have apologized to her so many times, for my part in his abuse (not protecting her), and I don't know how many years of therapy it will take to fix her (she is 22, and a whole other story).

My life is so different now. Sigh. But I never thought I'd be here.

mallowcup

I think you are in a good place. It's called mental health. I think you'll come to like it. Didn't it feel great to write what you wrote without being corrected or having what you said ammended? You have NOT made a 26 year mistake. You have been on a 26 year journey which has led to today. It's easy enough to find a reason to be happy. Alcoholics make the flowers wither around them. They would talk the sun behind the clouds if they could. Their glass is always half empty. I'm glad you had your fill of that part of life. As each day passes you will find that you glass if half full, your garden is full of flowers and you can help so many people here. Welcome.

FormerDoormat

Well don't feel bad about those 26 years. I put up with many of the same behaviors for 24 years, so you're definitely not alone.

My life changed the day I asked my AB to leave (on my 45th birthday, no less). Turned out to be a fabulous birthday present because he soon reached his bottom and got the help he needed. Happy birthday to me!

We still live in separate homes but I see him on weekends with the understanding that I will NOT tolerate rudness, lying, drunkeness, or alcohol in my home and he respects my wishes. What he does in the privacy of his home is none of my business.

Setting boundaries and not allowing others to breach them is a good thing.

guyinNC

Yep, me too. After 19 years of marriage and the destruction of our marriage I doubt everything I ever knew about her.

So you have plenty of company!

mallowcup

I wouldn't call it doubt.