Ayers1995

I have been struggling trying to decide whether or not I could just start over and try harder to make this work...

Guess what?? Today he's at home AGAIN and now emailing me questions Are you IN love w/me? Are we ok? BLAH BLAH BLAH...

I am wondering if anyone's A is in constant need of attention and reassurance? It is draining me. We had a good weekend and now he's at home b/c he had a bad dream that upset his tummy so bad.... WTF??:uzi2:

My question is... do you constantly reassure them...? Isn't that some sort of FIX for them? RIGHT?? This constant need is smothering anything..it makes me want to say STAND UP AND BE A MAN!! DAMMIT - Go to work - work on yourself!

StandingStrong

Oh Ayers, I had to almost laugh when I read your post - I have come to see the weaker side of my AH also. Funny how that happened when I used to believe that he was the strong one! I realize now, I was wrong!
I've tried to be AH's friend, thinking that maybe we could start at that lower level. That never works out!!! And then it got to the point of him not wanting to spend time with me, like going out and doing anything with the kids and I together because it would "get his hopes up" as far as thinking that maybe things were working out between us. But he sure didn't have a problem hinting and asking if he could come spend the night!!! And of course, he'd clarify that he just wanted to sleep beside me, not that he was out for sex! Yea - whatever!!!!!
And then there is that mopey pouty side of him. The one where he needs that reassurance, does the "feel sorry for me" thing. Totally annoys me! I just want to say "Wake up! If you don't like it - fix it!!!!!" Ugh, it's frustrating and annoying at the same darn time.
Yea, I realize that yours and my situations are different - but I can relate to what you're saying.

And to think, there was a time that seeing AH humbles and pathetic probably would have made me happy! LOL

Cynay

My ex would do that when I started changing the dance....

Insecurity I supose though Im guilty of insecurity myself. Then one day he did not like my dance so he found another partner to dance with.... Holy Cow he did a 180 after that and was on top of his game... so that was the proof it was me that had a problem, not him.

Some days you just have to shake your head. Keep focusing on you and your growth... cuz they get a little crazy when things change

Ayers1995

Right - I mean even while dating he wasn't like this. Never the needy poor pitiful ME! It's really killing it... on top of his not going to work ....

I just feel like I am not supposed to feed his insecurities all the dang time...

BLAH!

best

Keep holding your boundries and when he makes a choice of telling himself...
STAND UP AND BE A MAN!! DAMMIT - Go to work - work on yourself!
He will find change.
I remember a joke on a TV show where a guy said he told his wife he loved her when they were married and here it is 40 years later... What? Tell her I love her? I told her 40 years ago and if my opinion would have changed, I would have told her so. Why do I need to repeat myself?

The low selfesteem we tend to pick or or had all along is why we ask and continue to ask...also the same thing causes some of us think you may be doing things you are not doing.
Till our self esteem starts to grow, we battle inside and wonder why you would love us...so we ask constantly.
Rather then always answer...build up his self esteem.
You can do it... rather then...will you please do it.
You do this so well...will you do it for me?

Look for the good in him, no matter how small and build on it with assurances and gratitude... Women work well with words spoken...guys respond better to words of action and actions.
May be more effort at the moment but the end result will be a stronger man.

So Confused

Yes me too I know. I have found thought that is a whirlwind of emotion they need you there stuck up their *&^ and then they want their space. I think if you put all the craziness aside it is clear that they aren't sure what they want. They all do fine with new nobody knows them yet. Trust me! You just have to decide when to offer the comfort and stay strong becaus ein two days you'll have to comfort yourself. It is a dedication to yourself and your love for htem. it s is a respect for the illness. The stomach thing common. I have found through complaints and research I have done stomach headaches, migraines are the most sommon they really do feel the pain it is not made up but it is from the inner turmoil stress and depression. Takes a great deal of patience and understanding. I have by the grace of God found that for now but I can assure you of this NEVER LOSE YOU. ALWAYS FOCUS ON YOU NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE YOU TRULY CANNOT CONTROL IT YOU WILL HAVE YOU IN THE END REGARDLESS OF HOW THE ILLNESS PRESENTS ITSELF NEXT TIME
BEST WISHES
SC

Zoey

Wonderful reply Best, Thank You !

Missy

Dont they dance well? I too see this happening and say quack, quack, quack in my head and that helps..
then they dance some more... dance , dance, dance
missy xo