TexasGirl

I saw my doc/counselor last night, and we were discussing my next move. I asked for his feedback, and he said he thought it would be good for me to move into my apartment, and for me to spend time "working on me" and him "working on him," if he really is serious about recovery. He said I definitely have some thought patterns and things I could address too. My biggest reason to not go home is that I don't want to go back to the way it was and that I have a hard time believing this time will be different. BTDT. I will not live that way again. Period. But my doc also explained that if he really is serious about recovery, if I am there with him, I would be a crutch, and that he could make everything more about me than focusing on him. I thought that all sounded rational.

I decided that I needed to talk to him on the phone last night to let him know what I would be doing. It had been 8 days, and I had had some time to think, consider, etc. I asked my doc too, and he said that he definitely thought I'd made the right decision by not talking at first because I knew I was vulnerable, but that I'd had some time, so that if I thought I was up for it, he didn't think it could hurt. So I called. I managed to stay very calm and not emotional. I told him why I had decided moving into an apartment would be good for me, but this is when the conversation went awry. He made me start to feel like I had to justify everything, and he made me question exactly why I am doing this. He did this by telling me the only thing I needed to work on for myself was a result of him. I tried to explain that I needed some time for me. He didn't like that, and said that we shouldn't have gotten married if I wasn't through experiencing the single life, and if that's what I wanted, then maybe we should divorce now. Of course that threw me for a loop. So I tried to explain that it wasn't about enjoying being single and trying to replace him. He said, well then, if that's not the case, then when people are married, they work things out and they don't live apart to do so. I really thought I was prepared and rational and able to handle the conversation, but he managed to confuse me and make me question myself. I am smart enough to know that was by his design, whether he was really aware of it or not. But that doesn't mean that it didn't leave me with doubts. I decided to end the conversation because I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and so I could re-group. I didn't want to go downhill. So now I need you guys...can you help me dissect the converation? Can you also help me remember how it would be beneficial to live apart? Thanks.

marriedithink

I have had the same conversation, heard the same things. Which is why I no longer try and explain what I'm doing or why I am doing it. He is still drinking and as long as he is, we cannot communicate the way we need to. Do what you have to do, he will say and do anything to make this about you and not his drinking.

denny57

TG, I think you handled it great! Ending the conversation when you did showed great strength and self-knowledge. Bravo!

Ten months down the road of keeping the focus on me has been just what I needed. The conclusions I've come to may not be what you come to; what matters is being out of the chaos of living with addiction has given me clarity: to see what was, to see what is, and to see what I want life to be.

I look at it this way: If I lost myself, which I did, and want to take the time to make me the best I can be, why wouldn't my partner want that for me, too?

As for dissecting the conversation, from what you write, I hear fear on his part. But I can't speak for him. Change is hard for everyone.

Keep posting. Look forward to hearing how the new place is coming along.

((()))

deax

Texas Girl, I don't know how much useful advice I have to offer, but reading your post was like being inside my own head. Those kinds of conversations are the worst, I must have had 100 of them during all the times we broke up (later to reunite). And they're why this time, at least for the time being, I can't allow myself to communicate with him at all. I need to figure things out by myself, without him confusing me, making promises, appealing to my emotionality, etc. It is very difficult. Some days I think I've gotten to the point where I could handle a conversation... But my good strong streaks never last quite long enough to convince me.

Anyway, you've taken a first strong step and you're taking care of yourself by thinking things through here and in therapy. Use this as a learning experience, in order to remember the effect that communicating with him had on you- you went from feeling stronger and like you'd made some progress-- even if you were still sad and hurting, because you're human and feel love; it's not contradictory to me-- back to feeling more cofusion, more self-doubt, etc. That alone seems like evidence of how it would be beneficial to still take the time you need.

I also agree with what denny said. In the kind of relationship you want to be in, he would want you to do what's best for you, take care of yourself, and would give you the space and tiem for that. Initially in my no contact situation, I loved him enough that that's what I was willing to do-- for him. Give him time. Now I know the no contact is about me. It doesn't mean I don't have fear of letting go- what if he's not there in a year? What if he lets go of me too? But I still know this time is what we both need. And if he's not there in a year, then maybe he's not meant to be. But I'll be better than I am now if I keep working at it. I believe the same might apply to you. If you keep you as the focus and find a way to feel happy and strong again without relying on him, then you'll be in the best position yet to make a good choice about the future of this relationship. Like my therapist always says to me, "Ultimately if he's meant to be yours, the universe will send him back to you."

(hugs) It's hard but I believe all the things you're doing will be worth it in the long run.

Ayers1995

Wow! I've so had this conversation with AH when we were seperated. Take it from me TG - You need to work on YOU! PERIOD.

I thought that I was strong enough to move back home and us work on ourselves... but clearly I made a huge mistake. He is focused on ME and he is still DRINKING... and sucking the life out of me. I can't even seem to move forward... I'm reading, but all the questions and doubt frm him even if he doesn't intend for it too, just brings me down.

Please listen to the advice given to you.. it really is worth it. I wish I had.

pmaslan

You sound so resigned Ayers.....there really is a way out...if you want it.

TexasGirl

This makes a lot of sense to me. That's very logical. I like logic!

So Confused

Heres a question I agree with focus on "you" but how many times do you go through this. Where they need time. Do you do again and again because you love them or just leave in the helplessness of it all ?

Ayers1995

I dont think it's a helplessness... they have choices and options to at least make real attempts to do/get better/help.

pmaslan

just as you have choices and options at real attempts to do/get
better/help....goes both ways.

CatsTail

TexasGirl,

The whole conversation is loaded with his manipulations. Good for you that you ended it. The thing about divorce is a scare tactic.

You need no contact to work on yourself if that is what you want to do.

No point discussing anything with him, he won't understand anyway and he'll just keep on trying to manipulate you.

Ngaire