I saw my doc/counselor last night, and we were discussing my next move. I asked for his feedback, and he said he thought it would be good for me to move into my apartment, and for me to spend time "working on me" and him "working on him," if he really is serious about recovery. He said I definitely have some thought patterns and things I could address too.
My biggest reason to not go home is that I don't want to go back to the way it was and that I have a hard time believing this time will be different. BTDT. I will not live that way again. Period. But my doc also explained that if he
really is serious about recovery, if I am there with him, I would be a crutch, and that he could make everything more about me than focusing on him. I thought that all sounded rational.
I decided that I needed to talk to him on the phone last night to let him know what I would be doing. It had been 8 days, and I had had some time to think, consider, etc. I asked my doc too, and he said that he definitely thought I'd made the right decision by not talking at first because I knew I was vulnerable, but that I'd had some time, so that if I thought I was up for it, he didn't think it could hurt. So I called. I managed to stay very calm and not emotional. I told him why I had decided moving into an apartment would be good for me, but this is when the conversation went awry. He made me start to feel like I had to justify everything, and he made me question exactly why I am doing this. He did this by telling me the only thing I needed to work on for myself was a result of him. I tried to explain that I needed some time for me. He didn't like that, and said that we shouldn't have gotten married if I wasn't through experiencing the single life, and if that's what I wanted, then maybe we should divorce now. Of course that threw me for a loop. So I tried to explain that it wasn't about enjoying being single and trying to replace him. He said, well then, if that's not the case, then when people are married, they work things out and they don't live apart to do so. I really thought I was prepared and rational and able to handle the conversation, but he managed to confuse me and make me question myself. I am smart enough to know that was by his design, whether he was really aware of it or not. But that doesn't mean that it didn't leave me with doubts. I decided to end the conversation because I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and so I could re-group. I didn't want to go downhill. So now I need you guys...can you help me dissect the converation? Can you also help me remember how it would be beneficial to live apart? Thanks.