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Hi,

I haven't posted in a while, everything has been going good or at least better. Short story.. I was married and in a somewhat abusive and alcohlic life. Now I am a single mom, working, going to school (grad in Dec) and have gone out on a couple of dates. And with my past history of choosing A's and being a codie, I am wondering what are the red flags.

So 3 dates so far with a guy I think I really like, he has a decent job and had it for 10 years. 1st date he had two beers at dinner and 2 more at his house, I don't drink much and only had one. Next date movie at his house, no drinking. third date movie at his house, I had 1 1/2 beers he had 3 and a mix drink. He has told me dad and brother was/is A's but he would never let drinking affect his family (when he has one). He doesn't know my history and issues with my A ex-husband.

I may be overly worried (?) but I just don't want to get involved with an A or someone that may become one.

Thanks for listening,
Kriss

WantsOut

Your gut is telling you something. Listen to your own soul. It knows.

pmaslan

There is a terrific sticky under classic reading called "Red Flags."
You might want to take a look at that.
As far as his current drinking goes it doesn't sound like he has a
problem to me. I am a social drinker so it sounds somewhat normal.
However, if his drinking is already causing an issue fo you, it may be something you should talk with him about. It's hard to date...I give
you credit for getting out there again.

Missy

RED FLAG !!!
that is how my marriage started. Wish I could have been here before I married again. Would have never happened.... too late I found out family history of A and Drug abuse Some of them killed themselves.

They can surely lead you to the well with no water.... they are pros/
karen xo

pmaslan

Only if you let them.

Pick-a-name

This is the way it was with AH ............for quite awhile. It progressed. He sometimes didn't drink more than that , but after a time...if he cut the drinking down to that "respectable" level, he was angry and short-tempered,etc. He held it together great in public, but the kids and I saw a different "side" to him; he was comfortable enough to drink and behave the way he really wanted to.

I don't know what to say, except trust your gut. I never thought AH had a problem for many,many ( like 25y) years. Seems odd to me that you would spend most of your new dating times alone at his place,watching movies and having drinks (but I am now probably injecting my own situation,too...AH "dated" in secret while we were separated.) If nothing else, it is harder to get to know very much about a person and how they really are and behave. JMHO

I'm not close to considering dating; so hat's off to you for trying!

Numb

Thanks for the advice. My problem is that I don't know what a social drinker really is. I know I hardly drink and everything. I also don't know what my gut is telling me. So far the drinking has not caused any problem, but I have a son that I want to raise to be a responsible man and want to avoid any A related problems. I like him, but what? I am not sure.

And he is a friend's friend that she has known since childhood so that is the only reason why I would consider going over to his house alone. But that does bring up the whole intimate question which I am also not sure about either. To many questions. This dating thing is hard and confusing. I was with my husband for 10 years, so all this is so scary/new.

Thanks Again!

Easeful

I'm sitting here trying to think, I don't believe I can name a single "normal" drinker I've ever met who had an immediate family history of alcoholism. Some of them were "normal" drinkers when I met them but...........

denny57

This is the red flag, to me. It's been 3 dates so there's no rush. Spend some time becoming this guy's friend. As time goes by, you will relax and be yourselves in front of each other and things might be clearer.

In the meantime, have fun!

StandingStrong

I came to a conclusion in my own situation.
Whether AH has a problem with his drinking - I have a problem with his drinking.
It's that simple.
So, I realize that I have issues with other people's drinking. Not everyone, mind you, but there are times I feel more comfortable not attending a function where drinking will be or not hanging out with people that are drinking. I find that I can remove myself from the situation at any time I choose and that is my choice.
Now - knowing that I am the one that has an issue with other people's drinking. This allows me to involve myself - or not! My choice.

In that regards, I'd say that regardless if your new friend has a drinking problem or not, it is affecting you negatively. Therefore, you have the choice to keep going and take the risk and have this eat at you - or you can simply go with your gut instinct and remove yourself from the situation.

Why figure out if he has a drinking problem? The amount that he has drank so far in your presence bothers you. It's that simple. It's a problem.

maggie1958

I agree with the posts here, trust your gut feeling. I wish I had a few years ago. Also I wonder as well why you spend all your time at his place, go to a movie, go to the mall, take a walk in the park, anything, see if he knows how to be social. My exABF that was all he wanted to do, maybe go get something to eat, go back to his place, and BTW he didn't drink in front of me, he would hide it, go the bathroom, make a quick run in the kitchen, ect.... I was so blinded wanting to make the relationship work that I didn't see what was going on for a long time. I have been single for 15 years now, most of that time spent alone, I think with my ex ABF I just wanted a relationship so bad I was blinded by the bad for a long time. I found this place and started seeing it is such a pattern they all seem to go through, and I was in a codie pattern as well. I finally realized that and now in a relationship so different than any I have ever had. He is great to me, we go out to eat, we go to movies, to the mall, we went to a state park a couple weeks ago and probably hiked 10 miles in the day, I feel so comfortable with him, he doesn't drink at all, his choice. He opens doors for me, he is a real gentleman, he is the best thing ever happened to me. I'm crazy about him and he is me. What I'm saying is don't do what I did, settle for ok, not what your gut tells you is ok but with issues, keep looking until you gut tells you ok without issues. It will take some time but well worth it, don't just settle for a relationship, find someone that really makes you happy for both you and your son.

Missy

Its that simple.... thanks!!!
karen xo

escape artist

being in new waters, what i discovered was to use my boundaries. set them, believe them and they will work for you by protecting you. I was in the same situation, where i really liked the guy, but was not sure about his drinking. but my boundaries protected me in that what was unacceptable to me may have helped illuminate his drinking patterns as being excessive. thus i was able to take a step back before ending up in another train wreck. check the stickies about boundaries and good luck to you!

Live

I also think we carry our fears forward.....and need to calm down, go slow and do reality checks.

Star180

You cant judge somebody based on their family history.
My dad is an alcoholic. My mom has never been buzzed a day of her life. I have three brothers, the oldest is a social drinker, he is successful and has never had a problem. The middle brother is an alcoholic and the youngest brother does not drink cause he doesnt like the way it makes him feel. And as we all know, I am an alcoholic.
If you feel like there is a problem, talk to him about it. If he is a good guy, and has potential to even be a great friend, he will talk. If not, then you have your answer. Even if he acts weird about it and doesnt answer your questions, then just walk away. He's not worth it. At least you will know very early in the relationship whichever way it goes.
In the meantime, HAVE FUN!!!

denny57

This is true. AH's youngest brother quit cold turkey some time ago. His older brother and dad drink heavily. What can be kept in mind about family history is how it will affect a current relationship. How involved someone is with the family dynamics that include alcohol can also have an impact. That's why I believe taking time, in any relationship, is a good idea.

MHO

Live

My own personal rule is that it takes two years to know someone, because basically that is how long it takes to see their typical patterns.
So, anyone who tries to rush me...is a red flag. SLOW DOWN, I say! LOL
Anywho who wants to jump into a relationship and start tallking moving in, getting married too soon scares me.

slowdown61

Take your time. Any drinking sounds like it bothers you. just watch yourself and see what it fels like. I have relatives that drink "normal" but i dont. There is no test ecept to see if he gets drunk or really needs to drink..or starts the alchy crap up on you. just give it time. good luck.

lovesnorm

This pretty much sums it up for me.

SS, Mind if I borrow this for a siggy quote?

Hugs,

L.

StandingStrong

I don't mind at all lovesnorm.

Though I realize now that I should have clarified:
Whether Ah has a problem with his drinking or not - I have a problem with his drinking. It's that simple.

LOL. guess I forgot to put the "or not" in there. at least everyone knew what I meant.