brooklynborn

No, I'm not his watchdog, he can do what he wants. What I meant was that he keeps coming in to chat while I'm typing away on this site. He does not know that I post here and frankly I don't want him to.
As far as "letting" him drink.......I don't have that much power. But that is HIS way of putting the control of his disease in my care. He constantly tells me that he needs me to keep him "in check". BS! It doesn't work when I try anyway.
We've had a few good days, probably will come to end on Wednesday, that's his night to go out.
Gosh, I wish he would just get it. I want our life to work together. If alcohol was not in his life............we'd be happily ever after.
brooklynborn

Wendy1967

It does have to "click"...but unfortunately for most..it won't. We have to face up to that I think. I tried the "if you can't beat them yadda yadda" too. I think it's a last ditch effort for those who care about an alcoholic but have sunk too deep in their depression to be reasonable. He wants a drinking buddy not a girlfriend/wife who actually gives a rats patooty about what kind of life/relationship they have. It's a selfish addiction. It's all about them. THEIR feelings, THEIR wants. THEIR needs. THEIR perception on how things are. It's never about you. They could care less about how you feel and if you say anything that is deemed negative or detrimental to what they *really* want to do...(drink)..you will instantly become the enemy.

People keep shoving it down my throat that this is a "disease" and it must be treated as such. Screw that. It's a CHOICE. People CHOOSE to smoke/drink/eat/do drugs. They *could* go get the patch/diet/or go to a support group if they WANTED to quit. My husband actually DOES have a medically acceptable DISEASE. It's called LIVER FAILURE.

However, somewhere along the long line of trials and tribulations my AH has found solace in the fact that some goofy group told him that "it's not his fault...it's a disease that can be treated but not cured." Screw that! That just gave him the excuse to keep drinking. He already has a disease that has no cure (unless he gives up drinking to make him eligible for a transplant list)...but now he's saying that since he has "so many diseases" ...why give up? (Surely not for us..a wife and four kids and a mountain of debt to boot.)

Run..don't walk to the nearest exit. It's NEVER going to get better unless you leave. My kids and I have been living with different friends for a while now. I hate shuttleing them around..but I won't go back unless I know we're safe from his rantings and ragings. He used to get off on telling everyone outside the family that *I* was the one who was nuts. I had co-workers telling me that they just couldn't see my husband being the person that I said he was. (That's an important step too. Quit hiding his faults. Be honest with others. Otherwise...YOU end up looking like the idiot.) However, when they finally listened to his cell phone calls to me...and were at my house when he went on a rage....they understood.

I'm not a victim anymore. People like him will portray themselves as the loving doting parent/spouse/sibling/child...to everyone in society but their own family.

sorry for going on so long.

miss communicat

"Gosh, I wish he would just get it. I want our life to work together. If alcohol was not in his life............we'd be happily ever after."

This line of "reasoning" is sooo familiar to me. When faced with a reality I could not accept, I used to do 1 of 3 things, and sometimes all 3, cycling round and round:

1. Tried to Control it
2. Tried to manipulate it
3. tried to deny it

To say that you "wish that he would just get it" is to say that you wish that your reality will magically change by virtue of somebody else changing.

To say that "if alcohol was not in his life....you'd be happily ever after" is to say that you are denying that this is the fact of your life. But it IS in his life.

All 3 responses that I listed: Control, Manipulate, and Deny are coping skills for people who are suffering, who don't yet know other ways. There are alternatives, though.

1. Acceptance of Reality as it is
2. Let go of expectations
3. Stay in the present moment, not the future or the past

and,
4. Take good care of yourself

Hope that you can see your power in this situation and don't give it all to him.

denny57

I learned this is dangerous thinking - and not true. It allowed me to not take control of my own life and live in "if only." My only choice was not to get AH to stop drinking. I have the ability to make my life whatever I want it to be.

Wendy1967

I don't mean to make fun of your situation because it's FAR from humorous. However, my alcoholic husband has been on a drunken tirade for weeks because I accidentally used the word "LET"...as in..."I'm NOT going to LET you use MY car when you're drunk."

For someone to step up and pick apart your words when you're NEW and venting tells me that this person has problems that need to be addressed as well. Addicts of any kind will confuse the issue of others being hurt by their behavior with being "allowed" to continue with the addiction.

denny57

I'm confused - what the heck purpose does that statement serve? My apologies if you're a psychotherapist.

Sorry for hijacking the thread, brooklyn. Hope you go to that meeting - there is plenty you can do to make your life the one you want. I also hope Al-Anon is as helpful for you as it has been for me in realizing that. The change in my life has been wonderful.

(((brooklyn)))

pmaslan

[QUOTE=Wendy1967

For someone to step up and pick apart your words when you're NEW and venting tells me that this person has problems that need to be addressed as well. Addicts of any kind will confuse the issue of others being hurt by their behavior with being "allowed" to continue with the addiction.[/QUOTE]


That someone is me PMASLAN. It is clear you have quite the chip on your shoulder as to your husbands alcoholism is concerned.
The word "LET" is called "CONTROL" in this case. Any smart person knows
you can not control anyones actions let alone their drinking.
I have been all around the block you are now circling so endlessly.
I have made it to the other side and know that only when the A
is ready then the process can begin not a moment before.
You are full of lots of criticism for a program that has helped many...
what a shame you are so bitter.

DesertEyes

Cool it people. Please limit your comments to supportive, constructive personal experience. If you have personally experienced what the original poster is struggling with please post how you personally overcame that challenge.

Everybody here is in the _process_ of overcoming great hardship in their life. Kindly show compassion for each other and quit the sniping.

Mike