brooklynborn

He thinks he's normal. He thinks that if I just let him have a few beers in the evening at home, it will keep him from binging on his nights out. WTF? He's not normal, even if I let that happen, he'll still find a reason to binge.
Last night we were talking, having a nice night watching the Gamecocks beat the pants off of Miss., and he says to me it would be great if we could have some beers. Then it started. It's MY fault that he HAS to "get it all in" when he goes out, cause I won't join him in some drinks. ARGH! He didn't drink last night, but he will this week.
I've decided to go to a Al-Anon meeting this coming week.......a big step for me.
Gotta run........he's sneaking around!
brooklynborn

prodigal

I suppose "normal" is a subjective term. What your AH is doing he probably considers "normal" even if it isn't. His reality is what it is. One thing I have had pounded into my head for over a year by my shrink is that I must QUIT having expectations that my AH is going to have "normal" reactions, behaviors, or conversations with me. I was told to watch his actions and base my conclusions on that. I'm not saying he's totally whacko, but for the most part the alcohol has done a number on his brain. So I'm working on the problem with my expectations so I will quit building up resentments.

I pick up some literature when I start getting frustrated that will force me to focus on my own issues. That's about all we can do.

blizzard77

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and DD.

mazey

Does he just binge on weekends? But, he thinks if he has a few at home he'll not "want" more when he is out? I rarely saw my ex/A ever have a few ANY time! Wouldn't that be nice? Alanon may be a good thing for ya. Prodigal would be interested in hearing more about your therapists thoughts on don't expect a normal reaction from him.....they don't, do they?

rkymtncowboy

My wife is normal too according to her. The reason she is kicked out of nursing is because of something that happened at work and not that she violated her contract. She was fired on the spot, just had this argument with her. She had over 2 years sobriety and now is drinking because she is kicked out of the nursing rehab program. I notice a big change when she stops going to meetings. Now she don't have too, do I want to go down with her, no!. Need an escape plan, too bad it is so complex. No kids with her, don't ask me why it is so complex.

FormerDoormat

My AB of 24 years thought he was normal, too. I thought he was the sick one and I was the healthy one. Then one day I realized that normal, healthy people don't tolerate life with active addicts or the lies, irresponsible behavior, cheating, stealing, and emotional, verbal, and physical abuse that active addicts often bestow upon their loved ones.

So who is sicker? A raging alcoholic who thinks he's normal or a co-dependent who tolerates such behavior? Personally, I think it's a tie and both parties need help.

denny57

Hang in there, brooklynborn. I also believe we're all in this together, we each have our own issues to see to. I hope the Al-Anon meeting goes well for you; keep us posted.

aussiee

FD, I was in a similar boat - and similar to BB.

my AB likes to drink every night - even if it is only a few. You see - when I met him I thought he WAS normal. But then I discovered he drinks every night and I began to wonder. But he insisted he didn't have a problem - me not knowing much about alcoholism at the time - fell for it hook line and sinker - he just 'likes to have a drink'. But he likes to ONLY drink alcohol - there is a difference. The rest of us - who LIKE to have water or coffee or whtever we like to have - are wowsers.

Anyway - his drinking escalated and caused us to split about 12mths ago, he was also on pot and is a sex addict. I got out - I should have stayed out. He convinced me he could change - he was sorry (as I so often heard) but he could not control anything really. The SA ceased to exist - I do give him credit for the work he put in there, his pot smoking? Well yes he quit, but then a few weeks ago he decided to visit a friend and he started smoking again - his drinking was minimal, most nights of the week but not all - which he thought was good - and it WAS better - only about 1 or 2 cans of bourbon a night - then a bender on the weekends. He also drank alone, concealing it from me and would shower before he came over in the hope I wouldn't smell it. Last weekend we went to pick up my son.. AB had been working on his house (he has to sell it) all day and all night but came over to come with me on the long drive - he had showered. He stank! He had been on bourbon all day.

The lies - the deception - the constant worry of what is to come next - I'm so over it now - sad really - there is a gorgeous man in there just begging to surface and he won't allow it. I'm the problem of course, if I didn't just keep nagging at him (ie asking how many he's had) there would be no problem - so I retorted with ok.. you have your secrets, I'll have mine. Then he bends it so that I already sneak around and do stuff he hates.. what does he hate about what I do? The way I do my parenting.. I am not firm enough on my kids blah blah blah - its not even relative.

Yeh I got sick, I enabled him for a while by drinking with him. I got sick with worry - ended up on nerve tablets, I was constantly living in fear. I was very very sick - till I could function no more and have had to defer from University... he is sick, because its ME who has the problem - everyone drinks, he is normal... *sigh*



Sorry - ranting here - but regardless of how much he drinks - he is an alcoholic and he doesn't want to help himself so I bowed out of the relationship for the last time On Thursday.

IMHO, an alcoholic will always have an excuse to drink - we can't stop them, we can learn to accept it and live our own lives around it - or we can escape - I chose the latter.

FormerDoormat

I fell for exactly the same thing, Aussie. I think a lot of us on this forum did. I guess the question we need to answer for ourselves is why -- why did we not see that our partner had a problem in the first place? Thinking back on it now, there were red flags everywhere. I just chose to ignore them.

And when my boyfriend's drinking escalated and began to cause problems in our relationship, I either ignored it or tolerated it--for 24 years! So another question we have to ask ourselves is why do we tend to tolerate bad behavior? What makes us think we don't deserve more?

Debbie

Love is blind perhaps? I didnt realize my hubby had a problem until one morning he went to drink when he woke up.......I thought that odd.......he said it was normal. I guess we all see normal as different things. And I did try the "if you can't beat them, join thm" route too.......I drank with him.....it didnt work........he still went out and got more drunk. What can you do, they need to see it......its gotta click in their head.

FormerDoormat

Funny you should mention that, Deb. When my boyfriend began to fix himself a drink immediately after waking up in the morning was when I first suspected he might be an alcoholic. And that was 22 years into the relationship! He'd been drinking every day for years. The amount he drank was steadily increasing over the years. He speech was always slurred - I reasoned he had a mild speech impediment. Yep, it seems as far as my boyfriend and his drinking was concerned, I could reason away anything. And all the while I thought I was the normal one and he was the one with the problem.

mallowcup

Drinking in the morning is normal for alcoholics. Even in the most broad sense people don't get up and have a beer.

pmaslan

Are you the watchdog of him...I guess I don't get it.

Normal people don't go sneaking around and need watching over....
Babies and kids do, but not grown men or women...IMHO

mazey

Didn't I know he had a problem? Ya know, I didn't! Ignorance, naieve?sp? for awhile. Then, I was "hooked" and thought it'd be okay....I look back now and how very stupid I was. And the behavior I allowed, took. I would even leave my house (when we were dating at first) if he was suppose to show up, call, or whatever and drive by his usual bar, or his ex-girlfriends house looking for his truck. I can't believe I did that. It is not who I had been, welcome to the next turmoilious 14 years! Stupid me....big time codie! Lost myself, but trying to find her again and maybe a smarter her after all these years. "should be"!

mallowcup

You weren't stupid. Most of us don't look back remeberig how brilliant we were. You believed the best about someone who had the opportunity to either prove you right or prove you wrong.

aussiee

Sadly - I accepted the abusive behaviour and the control issues due to other reasons. Ever since my rape @15, and my mother telling me if I ever got raped it was my own fault (therefore it went unreported), then teaching me that we must submit to men - we must give them sex when they want it etc.. that they have a right to come home 'stroppy' because they work blah blah blah.. I always looked for a man who would put me in my place and control me. Firstly though, I married a really REALLY gorgeous man - he was too good for me... I sabotaged our marriaged - my exH is still extremely supportive of me and is my best friend (he remarried) - I ended up with exactly what I thought I deserved for a partner - and I heard my mothers voice in my head every time I thought he was doing wrong by me - "give him sex whenever he wants" "he works - its ok for him to be angry and yell at you" etc..

My father NEVER EVER yelled at my mother - why did I get taught such horrible things?


Strangely though, my deepest inner thoughts were that my ex's behaviour was wrong - thats what kept me going.

Glad to be free of it *sigh*

mallowcup

I'm so sorry aussie, I went through the same thing. I wasnt' raped but I had two seperate incidents with drunk uncles, one from each side of the family. We all knew they were drunks so we stayed away from them. My paetns were somewhere and I was babysitting the first time. My uncle showed up and pinned me agaisnt the counter, I pushed him hard backward and he went stumbling off. The second was worse. Another uncle who was massive was watching me without my knowledge. I was home alone in my room. I was sitting at my vanity listening to music and puting on make up. I had just coem fromt he shower so I was sitting naked from the waste up. My door was slightly ajar. My room was in the basement so it was dark except for the lamp I had on in my room. I have no idea how long he was standing there. I looked into the mirror and saw him standing there behind me. I scambled to cover up, and he just grinned. It scared the crap out of me because he blocked the door. I reported both of these incidents to my mother and she said I shouldn't run around without clothes on, they were drunk and I shouldn't get my aunts all upset. For years I had to sit across from the one fat drunk every holiday dinner. As I get older it makes me madder. As i work more with children, it makes me madder. I will say things were different back then and my parents were not brilliant. My own father drank and my mother found comfort with other men. That led to my finding out about the 'other man', and when my father came to me crying, I told him. This led to them making up and me being sent off to my grandparents to live for being a "bitch". Thats' not all but that's enough. I've never botherd repeating any of that until now. The way thoe incidents were NOT handled effected every relationship choice from then on.

BigSis

What I've seen is that when I don't control another's drinking/drugging, they eventually have only THEMSELVES to blame.

Perhaps you have a boundary of NO drinking around you, but you don't tell HIM what he can or can't do. Instead, you take yourself away from the drinking... every single time.

At some point, he has to choose... and you aren't being his jailer, or his monitor or his mother. You are only taking care of you.

(((BB)))

mallowcup

so true sis. It almost leaves you dumbfounded when you stop and let them do whatever they want and see that they pick alcohol every single time. So long as you mother, monitor and jail, they will lie, steal and whatever else it takes to get to that drink. My husband sits in the company of complete idiots by his own choice. He spends money, his time, his manners out. I have a sign that sits right over his chair on the porch. "Life is the sum of your choices". HELLO.

aussiee

Thanks everyone for your support and udnerstanding. MC - sad story - glad to see you get it out. Uncles *sigh* they, too, have played parts in my life - as has a cousin of mine who thought it would be harmless to use me as his 'practice' piece for a girlfriend - he is 6yrs older than me. Makes me sick to think back really.

As for the alcoholic in my life - he has chosen a lot over me over the years - he is a sex addict to the max - has been in therapy for it - says he is cured of that - THAT alone almost killed me - listening to him say stuff like he'd rather her over there, but I have all the body parts he needs - so I'll do....

sickening - so I set out to prove I was worthy - I think thats the reason I stayed so long - alcohol and pot helped him along to be the cruelest person I have ever met.

And now - reading further into what I've been through - reading the stickys here etc.. I see that his behaviour is normal to him - I see that his insults and his lies, his deception - his positive urgencies etc - are all part of his illness.

I still question if it is an illness though - its learned behaviour - he is just like his father.. he made the choice to be like that - he knew no different.. he wanted to learn a new way of life and did find it more peaceful - why then, revert back to it?

I will never EVER fully understand.. its just so sad!