Do I give him yet another chance in the hopes that he is really in recovery?
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Gosh, I feel for you...we can get so befuddled! Step back and take a look at EVERYTHING. Easier said than done sometimes, but you have to. Try to simplify what you are looking at. Keep things simple....put first things first-you and your kids. Then, start to examine the rest(men in your life). Take your time, don't feel rushed. And as said before, if in doubt don't...what is your "inner voice" saying. The what if's are just that...what if????? And, maybe you can't include the boss in the equation at this time? How do you REALLY feel about him....safe? nice? but is it "really it"? BUT, you have past experience w/ your H. Is he "really it"? Even on the sober days? And, you are right, I think we walk a tight rope even w/ them sober, when will it give in? Take care, Take your time... Every time I read someone saying 'take a year' I could feel you cringe. Cuz, you are anxious to have it now! 
Maybe, that is telling you something.....too!
Maybe, that is telling you something.....too!
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Kmagk,
It seems you have alot of excuses about why you dont want to wait for more recovery.
It doesnt sound to me, like you want to go on down the road, more than you want to stay with him.
If thats the case, you always have the option of continuing al-anon, finding a way to make it work for you, and live with it.
Bottom line..there is no way to tell when or if another relapse will occur.
If I were you, I would consider not bringing anymore children into the allready messy situation.
Good luck to you,
It seems you have alot of excuses about why you dont want to wait for more recovery.
It doesnt sound to me, like you want to go on down the road, more than you want to stay with him.
If thats the case, you always have the option of continuing al-anon, finding a way to make it work for you, and live with it.
Bottom line..there is no way to tell when or if another relapse will occur.
If I were you, I would consider not bringing anymore children into the allready messy situation.
Good luck to you,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by kmagk
This other man is ideal, he is good to me and my kids, he has a beautiful home. He's a hard worker, doing very well in his career. He treats me like a princess and I am very happy except when my kids miss their dad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 66
I do love my boyfriend, I am completely in love with him, I love everything about him and want to be with him, I just wonder if that's what's best for the kids. They love and miss their dad. I also love my husband because as I said before, he is the father of my children and he is family.
Elizabeth, I certainly don't plan on bringing any more children into this mess, thank you.
Elizabeth, I certainly don't plan on bringing any more children into this mess, thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: new york
Posts: 13
no one can tell you what to do. Decisions for someone else are not always the right one for yoy. My own experience I was with an adict for 13 years, thank god we didn't have any children. When I finally left it was the best year of my life. I found myself and lived for me. Unfortunately I seem to be attracted to adicts.My husband is an alcoholic going through AA. Hopefully thing will work out but if not I'm prepared to take care of myself. You need to love yourself first. Good luck on your decision.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by kmagk
I do love my boyfriend, I am completely in love with him, I love everything about him and want to be with him, I just wonder if that's what's best for the kids. They love and miss their dad. I also love my husband because as I said before, he is the father of my children and he is family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Originally Posted by Jazzman
I just have to share this FWIW. M was a single mother with three children when we started up. She had unrealistic expectations of my role with her children. She wanted a replacement Father that was every thing her ex was not. This is an impossible role for anyone to fill. I hope you keep your expectations realistic. Your children have a Father even if he's not living up to it. What's best for your kids is they have a good Husband/Father/Man figure role model, and grow to understand the difference between men who live up to it and men who don't.
BRAVO....incredibly well said!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
That's an interesting point, Jazz, and said with great humanity. Thank you.
I see many women around me in my daily life who remarry for a provider/replacement father for the children of their prior marriage. My heart breaks for these guys, tbh, given that many times they are none the wiser (unlike you). No wonder the divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than for firsts, I believe.
I see many women around me in my daily life who remarry for a provider/replacement father for the children of their prior marriage. My heart breaks for these guys, tbh, given that many times they are none the wiser (unlike you). No wonder the divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than for firsts, I believe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by Jazzman
I just have to share this FWIW. M was a single mother with three children when we started up. She had unrealistic expectations of my role with her children. She wanted a replacement Father that was every thing her ex was not. This is an impossible role for anyone to fill. I hope you keep your expectations realistic. Your children have a Father even if he's not living up to it. What's best for your kids is they have a good Husband/Father/Man figure role model, and grow to understand the difference between men who live up to it and men who don't.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 66
Thanks again Jazzman, you have been wonderful. I really appreciate this site and everyone's advice, support and prayers. My plan is to file those divorce papers and take it from there. I mean my husband isn't writing me any letters or begging me to take him back, he even borrowed the money for me to file the papers. I know he wants us back, but he isn't worrying about showing us.
Life certainly shouldn't be this hard and it really doesn't have to be, no need for me to let it be. I guess I
ve made it so hard because I never planned on being divorced, it's not what I grew up with it and it's not what I want my kids to grow up with, but I didn't grow up with an alcoholic father and my kids shouldn't either. My dad lost his father at the age of two. His dad was in the army and accidently inhaled mustard gas fumes. My dad has told me many times that he feels he was better off growing up without a dad then with the dad that my kids have. Don't get me wrong my dad loves my husband as his own son, but he doesn't want my kids to live with such turmoil. I know what I have to do, Thank you!
Life certainly shouldn't be this hard and it really doesn't have to be, no need for me to let it be. I guess I
ve made it so hard because I never planned on being divorced, it's not what I grew up with it and it's not what I want my kids to grow up with, but I didn't grow up with an alcoholic father and my kids shouldn't either. My dad lost his father at the age of two. His dad was in the army and accidently inhaled mustard gas fumes. My dad has told me many times that he feels he was better off growing up without a dad then with the dad that my kids have. Don't get me wrong my dad loves my husband as his own son, but he doesn't want my kids to live with such turmoil. I know what I have to do, Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
KmagK
No one gets married thinking they are going to get divorced.
At least I didn't think that way and I have been divorced twice!
Sometimes there is no other choice.
I agree with the others your new man sounds wonderful, I
don't think there are many around (I haven't seen them anyway.)
Good luck you sound like you are understanding what you need
to do for you and you kids....
BTW something you said earlier about wanting a man, wanting a
family...believe it or not...you and your kids ARE a family....
I have 2 boys and we are totally a family.
No one gets married thinking they are going to get divorced.
At least I didn't think that way and I have been divorced twice!
Sometimes there is no other choice.
I agree with the others your new man sounds wonderful, I
don't think there are many around (I haven't seen them anyway.)
Good luck you sound like you are understanding what you need
to do for you and you kids....
BTW something you said earlier about wanting a man, wanting a
family...believe it or not...you and your kids ARE a family....
I have 2 boys and we are totally a family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 66
You are so right, my children and I are a family! We always will be with or without anyone else on our team. Believe me I know that and I am in no hurry to add any other players, I just want a clear playing field for a while. I want to go ahead with this divorce and be happy on my own for awhile. If this new guy is it then he is, if my husband by some miracle proves he is and always was the one, then he has that chance as well. Like others have said plenty of people divorce and make their way back. I don't know what will happen, but I don't want to be married to this unsafe chaos and I don't want to be a married women with a boyfriend either.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Originally Posted by kmagk
I don't know what will happen,
None of us do.....
but I don't want to be married to this unsafe chaos and I don't want to be a married women with a boyfriend either.
None of us do.....
but I don't want to be married to this unsafe chaos and I don't want to be a married women with a boyfriend either.
I hope that you stick around you show very positive recovery.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Work on yourself and the rest will fall into place.
As for pinning your hopes on the "new guy" as more than a friend....for me, I would slow down on that,too. No offense, but I would have to wonder how healthy someone (he) is to become involved with someone who is still married and all the things you are wondering about. (Sorry if I am the one one who thinks that way,but I do...)
As for pinning your hopes on the "new guy" as more than a friend....for me, I would slow down on that,too. No offense, but I would have to wonder how healthy someone (he) is to become involved with someone who is still married and all the things you are wondering about. (Sorry if I am the one one who thinks that way,but I do...)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
No pick someone else did mention that earlier in the thread too...
got to admit I agree....
I guess that's why I question any man interested in me at this point...
as I still have a ways to go on the healthy front myself....
got to admit I agree....
I guess that's why I question any man interested in me at this point...
as I still have a ways to go on the healthy front myself....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 66
It might be questionable, but things happen. We started out as friends and he felt I deserved better than I had. Nothing was intentional, we both certainly shouldn't have let things go as far as we did. All I can say is, I'm pretty cute :kidding: No really I'm just teasing. I do appreciate that bit of feedback and certainly don't find it offensive, it's all been going through my mind as well. My mom said the same thing, but he has stuck by me and helped me take care of 3 children, I don't think too many guys would do that. Like I said I'm in no hurry to do anything other than take care of me and my kids. I'll figure it all out as I go along. I guess my thing is I thought I should and could make my marriage work, buy 8 years later I realize I'm still married to a man that hasn't shared much of my life or has made it completely miserable. Most of the time I have truly felt like a hostage in my own home, I am tired of spending my children's birthday's crying b/c their dad is drunk. I am tired of telling my son he can't have friend's over b/c we don't know what dad will be up to. I am tired of not knowing if my kids will have a peaceful home to do their homework on. I want my son to go to school and be nervous about his math test, not worried about his dad tearing up the house. I know every alcoholic is unique, mine wasn't just inconvenient
or foolish and embarrasing, he was a terrorist. I truly mean that and I feel like if I stick by or go backwards and take him back I will be no smarter than one of thoses girls on Jerry Springer who want the man who makes her at like a dog. Ya know what I mean
or foolish and embarrasing, he was a terrorist. I truly mean that and I feel like if I stick by or go backwards and take him back I will be no smarter than one of thoses girls on Jerry Springer who want the man who makes her at like a dog. Ya know what I mean
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Recovery for me has been a process.And still is.For myself,personally,when ive checked anothers tempt,to,see, how im feeling,i was still on confusion couch.,and totally lost.That roller-coaster.He has a good day,then so do i.He doesnt,then i dont either.???????I had to get off that couch.It was when i grabed the bull by its horns,meaning myself,and working on self,making changes,that i was able to let go,let God.Folks are a plus in my life.They add,to my already happiness,joy inside.I cannot relie on folks to make me happy.For folks change all the time.I dont make idols of of folks.They have their good times,and,as, well as not so good times,like myself.Its nice when others support me,but if i need,all the time,in every situation, to live,my life,to,totally depend on them,to make me happy,then what happens when they are not there for me?Do i collaspe?No,not when im working on my own recovery.When i do this,im more able to handel,situations,and im ok,no matter what another does,or does not do.
Im ditto-ing pick-a-name.
Thanks for letting me share,my own experinces,and how it works for me,
God Bless,and take care!!!
Im ditto-ing pick-a-name.
Thanks for letting me share,my own experinces,and how it works for me,
God Bless,and take care!!!
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