He asks if it's a problem to have a cocktail?? HUH?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
He asks if it's a problem to have a cocktail?? HUH?
Hi again - I was curious if I handled a certain situation correctly. Having freshly finished Codependent No More, I am trying to mind my own P's and Q's. After moving back home AH continued to drink, but he hid it. A few weeks ago, we had the discussion about our marriage and I let him know that I knew he was still drinking, after him throwing my medication for anxiety in my face. THAT's ANOTHER ISSUE.
Saturday night - AH tells me that he bought some OJ for some Rum that's been in the fridge (of mine) since January. I told him no thanks. He didn't say anything else about it. When we went to sit and watch a movie and he asks me if he wanted to have a cocktail while we watch the movie - would that be a problem? I was sort of expecting this after the OJ conversation.. I just told him that was his decision and left it at that. He went and bought a small bottle of 101 and some coke and he drank the rest of the evening.
Now - considering that I can't control it. I decided to just go about my business. Let him make his own choices about drinking. I can't say that I was happy about his choice, but I am learning. I am taking care of myself and will make decisions about the future accordingly.
Did I do right? Almost right?
Saturday night - AH tells me that he bought some OJ for some Rum that's been in the fridge (of mine) since January. I told him no thanks. He didn't say anything else about it. When we went to sit and watch a movie and he asks me if he wanted to have a cocktail while we watch the movie - would that be a problem? I was sort of expecting this after the OJ conversation.. I just told him that was his decision and left it at that. He went and bought a small bottle of 101 and some coke and he drank the rest of the evening.
Now - considering that I can't control it. I decided to just go about my business. Let him make his own choices about drinking. I can't say that I was happy about his choice, but I am learning. I am taking care of myself and will make decisions about the future accordingly.
Did I do right? Almost right?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You did absolutely right, when he asked you he was looking for your persmission so later he could blame you.
You were and are smart enough to put it right back on him and make it HIS CHOICE. I love it!!!!!! You did great!!!!!!!
I'm so proud of you!!
Love and hugs,
You were and are smart enough to put it right back on him and make it HIS CHOICE. I love it!!!!!! You did great!!!!!!!
I'm so proud of you!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
Yes, I did feel better not getting into it. He behaved fine for the evening. I don't know, but I have to let it go and continue working towards my own recovery and make choices if/when it comes down to it.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Yes, I did feel better not getting into it. He behaved fine for the evening. I don't know, but I have to let it go and continue working towards my own recovery and make choices if/when it comes down to it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
I sure needed all the cudos guys. Hope I can keep up the good vibes... he's starting to bare down more on me since I am just going on about things instead of following him around wanting to know what's wrong??
Today of course comes all the apoligies. You know they don't even mean anything anymore...
Today of course comes all the apoligies. You know they don't even mean anything anymore...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: houston texas
Posts: 8
I agree great job 
It is hard for me being on both sides of this issue as a recovering alky and full time alanon ...It amazes me that even when the issue of alcohol is removed somethings still remain the same..taking care of yourself and your feeling and actions (helps you not him) him can be a byproduct. Sometimes it is hard to remember that this is truly a disease but you can change the way you feel and respond to it...you dont have to own his crap and it seems when we stop owning it...the other person has to own upto their actions. Remember progress not perfertion and attraction rather than promotion
"Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power."
— Lao Tzu
Self-respect is the fruit of discipline: the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.
— Abraham Heschel
"The first and best victory is to conquer self."
— Plato
Hang in there
It is hard for me being on both sides of this issue as a recovering alky and full time alanon ...It amazes me that even when the issue of alcohol is removed somethings still remain the same..taking care of yourself and your feeling and actions (helps you not him) him can be a byproduct. Sometimes it is hard to remember that this is truly a disease but you can change the way you feel and respond to it...you dont have to own his crap and it seems when we stop owning it...the other person has to own upto their actions. Remember progress not perfertion and attraction rather than promotion"Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power."
— Lao Tzu
Self-respect is the fruit of discipline: the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.
— Abraham Heschel
"The first and best victory is to conquer self."
— Plato
Hang in there
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
you dont have to own his crap
Also...
Forgiving does not mean accepting.
Loving does not mean sacrificing yourself.
Staying does not mean giving in.
Leaving does not mean giving up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: houston texas
Posts: 8
wow I needed that thanks elizabeth I really enjoy these chat rooms was never the kind to think I would ...but Is almost better than a meeting I can read what I want and skip the bull or stuff that doesnt apply to me..without people waiting around after the meeting cornering me with their ideas...so kewl saw this and thought of ayers
There are 3 C's - you didn't cause alcoholism, you can't cure it and you CAN't control it.
Surrender and control are opposite actions. Surrender means to give up our controlling actions and ideas, our confused perspective about life and to become real. It means we can’t play God unless we are willing to live with the consequences of our actions. We didn’t write the script for reality, we aren’t even good actors. Our true place is to remove ourselves from any unpractical situation our ego places us in, pray for guidance, and let the universe govern itself as it has since the dawn of time.
We do need to work on accepting people, places, things, and situations outside of us as a part of reality. This will bring us to the spiritual principle of humility. If we are not humble we will crumble and turn ourselves into over expectant children of God.
We no longer have to be reactors, but accepters of reality. We react out of fear. We react because we are anxious, and full of self-defeating questions and a lack of spiritual answers. It puts our body into survival mode, looking for a fix. We don’t have to become emotionally involved with our problems, ever. We don’t have to take everything so personal.
We can stop controlling the world to, God has that taken care of. No matter how our ego has told us its our job, its not. Remember who wrote the script. Control is an illusion. Control blocks Gods power, and He’s not the one with power issues, we are. It stops all spiritual growth for all involved. Surrender is our admission of defeat. We cant, He can, let go of the uncontrolables, God has them covered.
In every stage in our recovery we are releasing what we’ve outgrown. In time in our recovery we know God is lovingly guiding us,and refuses to intervene in our lives until we accept circumstances as they are,reality.In all situations there is a degree of denial. It brings shock, numbness, confusion, panic,and a sense of loss. It is a natural, instinctive,and reactive to change,loss,or pain. It is the shock absorber to the soul. The next thing to come is anger, which is a reaction to the truth. We may once again try to find a victim to blame. We can blame people, places, things, situations and God for our feelings. Then we try to bargain with reality. We will unconsciously make deals with people, places, God,and anyone around. We try to set off a chain of events routed in control. When none of that dope dealing addict behavior works we fall into depression. The gig is up. No happy dance for us today. Then when we get real, and spiritual, God steps in.SURRENDER.No more fighting with reality. After surrender we get acceptance.
Surrender is not necessarily a loss,but it’s a pause to invite God into a situation so it can become practical. It means to release the emotional attachment to an outcome. It is a skill we can use constantly in our recovery. To surrender is to truly let go of the uncontrolables. It is a calling card to God, the universe. It allows the universe to do its job, and for us to relax. It is a physical experience: the control we are letting go of is in the muscles, felt as tightness and restraint. To surrender is the act of relaxing the muscles grip and simply let yourself be. The more we want the program the more we will practice surrender. Constantly practice giving up control. Repeat the following exercise at least
three times a day,
Stop for a minute: close your eyes, inhale deeply. Say the serenity prayer, or the third step prayer. Any tension and trouble can be turned over this way. If the daily trouble is still there repeat it until God owns your issues. We cant, He can.
When we are sick of living in the problem, spiritual principles work. When we feel victimized, it is because some person, place, thing, or situation refuses to follow our egos direction. We can learn to be responsible and accountable for ourselves.
A good friend of mine always said remember ****
Faith, understand, courage and knowlege...love ya tony heard he was diagnosed with cancer....stay strong
There are 3 C's - you didn't cause alcoholism, you can't cure it and you CAN't control it.
Surrender and control are opposite actions. Surrender means to give up our controlling actions and ideas, our confused perspective about life and to become real. It means we can’t play God unless we are willing to live with the consequences of our actions. We didn’t write the script for reality, we aren’t even good actors. Our true place is to remove ourselves from any unpractical situation our ego places us in, pray for guidance, and let the universe govern itself as it has since the dawn of time.
We do need to work on accepting people, places, things, and situations outside of us as a part of reality. This will bring us to the spiritual principle of humility. If we are not humble we will crumble and turn ourselves into over expectant children of God.
We no longer have to be reactors, but accepters of reality. We react out of fear. We react because we are anxious, and full of self-defeating questions and a lack of spiritual answers. It puts our body into survival mode, looking for a fix. We don’t have to become emotionally involved with our problems, ever. We don’t have to take everything so personal.
We can stop controlling the world to, God has that taken care of. No matter how our ego has told us its our job, its not. Remember who wrote the script. Control is an illusion. Control blocks Gods power, and He’s not the one with power issues, we are. It stops all spiritual growth for all involved. Surrender is our admission of defeat. We cant, He can, let go of the uncontrolables, God has them covered.
In every stage in our recovery we are releasing what we’ve outgrown. In time in our recovery we know God is lovingly guiding us,and refuses to intervene in our lives until we accept circumstances as they are,reality.In all situations there is a degree of denial. It brings shock, numbness, confusion, panic,and a sense of loss. It is a natural, instinctive,and reactive to change,loss,or pain. It is the shock absorber to the soul. The next thing to come is anger, which is a reaction to the truth. We may once again try to find a victim to blame. We can blame people, places, things, situations and God for our feelings. Then we try to bargain with reality. We will unconsciously make deals with people, places, God,and anyone around. We try to set off a chain of events routed in control. When none of that dope dealing addict behavior works we fall into depression. The gig is up. No happy dance for us today. Then when we get real, and spiritual, God steps in.SURRENDER.No more fighting with reality. After surrender we get acceptance.
Surrender is not necessarily a loss,but it’s a pause to invite God into a situation so it can become practical. It means to release the emotional attachment to an outcome. It is a skill we can use constantly in our recovery. To surrender is to truly let go of the uncontrolables. It is a calling card to God, the universe. It allows the universe to do its job, and for us to relax. It is a physical experience: the control we are letting go of is in the muscles, felt as tightness and restraint. To surrender is the act of relaxing the muscles grip and simply let yourself be. The more we want the program the more we will practice surrender. Constantly practice giving up control. Repeat the following exercise at least
three times a day,
Stop for a minute: close your eyes, inhale deeply. Say the serenity prayer, or the third step prayer. Any tension and trouble can be turned over this way. If the daily trouble is still there repeat it until God owns your issues. We cant, He can.
When we are sick of living in the problem, spiritual principles work. When we feel victimized, it is because some person, place, thing, or situation refuses to follow our egos direction. We can learn to be responsible and accountable for ourselves.
A good friend of mine always said remember ****
Faith, understand, courage and knowlege...love ya tony heard he was diagnosed with cancer....stay strong
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