a crush
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
a crush
Well, I'm interested in a teacher I work with. We've hit it off at school talking about students and just odds and ends. I'm intrigued by him almost to where I'm analyzing everything too much. Although, I've actually been happy and laughing lately. We've been out socially (he doesn't drink!) with a group of other teachers, but I took a risk and asked if he wanted to go out without a group next time. Dinner or a movie... I've extended the invitation to go out a few times. He said friendships with him just happen and he doesn't really plan anything. I don't get that part. Too many excuses, but he tells me not to take it personally. Yeah right...I guess I can't take a hint very well. He's very friendly and receptive to me dropping by his classroom in the mornings to say hi. I admit, it makes my day to see him, and I get a little anxious about it. Guess I have a crush and am trying not to act like my teenage students. 
This must be another sign of trying to control what I can't. I probably have scared him away already. Time to keep a low profile and not be so available I guess.
This must be another sign of trying to control what I can't. I probably have scared him away already. Time to keep a low profile and not be so available I guess.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Another Phoenician!
I live in dumpsville (more commonly referred to as "Yuma") and I just love going to Phoenix. You are with someone who doesn't drink, yet you feel you have control issues. Do you think he has any other type of addiction, such as being a workaholic, a controller (like you), a perfectionist? Has he ever been a drinker in the past? There are dry drunks, you know ....
Maybe you want more than he wants. It sounds as if he wants a casual friendship and he's picking up on your desire for a bit more so he's creating a distance.
Take it from a needy/dependent/codie person (me!) that the vibes you send out unfortunately drive people away even though you are not behaving in an overt fashion.
Do you have any alcoholics in your own family?
Maybe you want more than he wants. It sounds as if he wants a casual friendship and he's picking up on your desire for a bit more so he's creating a distance.
Take it from a needy/dependent/codie person (me!) that the vibes you send out unfortunately drive people away even though you are not behaving in an overt fashion.
Do you have any alcoholics in your own family?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
My grandfather passed away from liver cancer due to alcoholism. No others in my family that I'm aware of, just my exbf.
I think the issue is more of me feeling good around this person and wanted to keep that going. I probably just came on too strong and tried to be ever so helpful as he's new to the school. He's also teaching kids I had last year, so it was easy to start a conversation with him. I'm just going to back off a little and see if anything changes. If not, I'll know then.
I think the issue is more of me feeling good around this person and wanted to keep that going. I probably just came on too strong and tried to be ever so helpful as he's new to the school. He's also teaching kids I had last year, so it was easy to start a conversation with him. I'm just going to back off a little and see if anything changes. If not, I'll know then.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Maybe you can just back off a little and see what happens. I do think the pp made some points to consider. Also, there is just the fact that some people are more traditional and might want to be more of the one doing the asking, but what do I know (long married - dating things are a distant memory).:wink2:
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I don't know if you had a close relationship with your grandfather, but I'm sure you did with your former boyfriend. Alcoholism is something that grabs us all by the neck and suffocates us, each in a different way. I don't think you are dealing with an A in this case, but there is such a thing as "fallout" from the "radiation" of alcoholism.
You sound like you have good intentions towards a great guy. Perhaps you should consider that having dealt with several A's in your life, it has affected you somewhat. Please don't think I'm trying to tell you that you are defective, nuts, or totally codependent. But this disease has no mercy and takes everyone prisoner.
Backing off a bit is a good thing. Perhaps you should ponder for awhile on the control issues you realize you have. I have MAJOR control issues, and I think it's from being the child of parents who were children of alcoholic parents (both my grandfathers). Somehow it seeped on down to me. It took me about a zillion years to realize what had happened, but I knew I hurt inside and always felt a little sad. I felt a bit out of place and knew I wanted hapiness but I always chose guys who weren't interested, were emotionally unavailable, or who were addicts.
Sometimes after we're involved with an alcoholic (who is simply unable to be there for us), we substitute it with another person who isn't there for us for other reasons. Just consider it for awhile ...
You sound like you have good intentions towards a great guy. Perhaps you should consider that having dealt with several A's in your life, it has affected you somewhat. Please don't think I'm trying to tell you that you are defective, nuts, or totally codependent. But this disease has no mercy and takes everyone prisoner.
Backing off a bit is a good thing. Perhaps you should ponder for awhile on the control issues you realize you have. I have MAJOR control issues, and I think it's from being the child of parents who were children of alcoholic parents (both my grandfathers). Somehow it seeped on down to me. It took me about a zillion years to realize what had happened, but I knew I hurt inside and always felt a little sad. I felt a bit out of place and knew I wanted hapiness but I always chose guys who weren't interested, were emotionally unavailable, or who were addicts.
Sometimes after we're involved with an alcoholic (who is simply unable to be there for us), we substitute it with another person who isn't there for us for other reasons. Just consider it for awhile ...
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
I have a thread over on the Relationships board entitled Frustration - Mixed Signals. Give it a read and see if anything I've gone through the past 4 or 5 months resonates with you. I whine a lot on there (just ignore that LOL!) but I also got some really good feedback that you MIGHT find useful or perhaps not.
You are at a different stage with this person from where I'm at with mine (which means there is still time to save yourself LOL!) There could be all kinds of reasons why he is backing off that have nothing to do with you (getting over a bad relationship, old-fashioned values are two that instantly come to mind but I'm sure there are a ton of others) or he could be one that just enjoys the chase, or likes to be in control or whatever. You just don't know at this point. I tend to take attention and run with it and try to control situations as prodigal pointed out. All it has done is created lots and lots of internal conflict and has scared people out of my life. Not worth it.
I think your instinct to back off is dead-on. Stay friendly, smile, talk whatever but don't extend anymore invitations, don't chase him and try not to obsess over what he says, doesn't say etc. It's fun to have a new interest in our lives but if we're not ready it can make us quite insane as well.
Hugs,
Kellye
You are at a different stage with this person from where I'm at with mine (which means there is still time to save yourself LOL!) There could be all kinds of reasons why he is backing off that have nothing to do with you (getting over a bad relationship, old-fashioned values are two that instantly come to mind but I'm sure there are a ton of others) or he could be one that just enjoys the chase, or likes to be in control or whatever. You just don't know at this point. I tend to take attention and run with it and try to control situations as prodigal pointed out. All it has done is created lots and lots of internal conflict and has scared people out of my life. Not worth it.
I think your instinct to back off is dead-on. Stay friendly, smile, talk whatever but don't extend anymore invitations, don't chase him and try not to obsess over what he says, doesn't say etc. It's fun to have a new interest in our lives but if we're not ready it can make us quite insane as well.
Hugs,
Kellye
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
IMHO, it sounds like he is just not interested in dating you right now, and is happy to keep your relationship on a "group of friends only" basis. I don't think you should over-analyze it right now. His motivations could be anything under the sun, including just not being attracted to you. I don't say that to hurt your feelings, just to face reality. I've never read the book, but heard it's very good....."He's just not that into you"
I say back off and just see him as you have been. If there's anything there, it may just not be the right time.
I say back off and just see him as you have been. If there's anything there, it may just not be the right time.
Binge poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
The needy thing is a big one. I spent months chasing someone only to be dumped, then was chased myself by someone so needy it was almost painful.
After several sessions around the kitchen table moaning about it, I realised, reluctantly, that I'd been that needy person before.
Not saying that's what's going on here, it could be anything!
J
After several sessions around the kitchen table moaning about it, I realised, reluctantly, that I'd been that needy person before.
Not saying that's what's going on here, it could be anything!
J
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