jen in me

Well,
as I'm sure many of you know, it's not an easy thing to get out of a bad situation. So I have just been in Al-Anon for a little bit (as some of you know), I just applied and received my FAFSA and am going to go for a Nursing degree (would like to be an RN). It will take me close to four years to achieve this. I've lived with many illusions for a long time and am trying to see things the way they really are. I really am an idealist and may have to let some of my "ideals" go in order to get to a better place (i.e. kids may have to go to public school while Mommy is in her last two years of college).

So I try to get on here and read as much as I can and I am reading everything I was given at my meetings. I'm not sure I'm doing the boundary thing correctly even though I really should understand the concept by now (information overload?).

A while ago I had decided that I just can NOT be in the car w/AH after he has been drinking. Well, he caught me by surprise a few times (since I don't always know when he's drinking) and we've had a couple of crappy car trips.

Tonight he is calling me every 10 mins. for a ride. He is absolutely trashed - you know, almost crying one sec, telling me it's my fault if he misses work tomorrow because he needs to sleep from walking all the way home the next - and I have just calmly stated (each time he calls) that I just can't come get him when he has been drinking.

I'm feeling unsure of myself. I mean he will be here sometime tonight...I don't know if he'll be furious or what. Of course tomorrow he will do the "I'm so ashamed" thing.

Anyone out there to talk me through this a little?

I hope so and thanks.
Jen

jen in me

I mean how do I handle tomorrow. I feel like I can calmly detach so much better when he is actually wasted than when he is doing the "nice" act.

ugh...this is so hard! It's not MY fault he got wasted and had to walk home. He really tries to blame me for this stuff!

Pick-a-name

Hi, Jen.sorry I can't help much..I'm still learning.

Can you tell him to call himself a cab?

denny57

Hi Jen

Does he have someone else he can call? How about a taxi?

jen in me

No he's walking....I think he walks because it's supposed to make me feel more sorry for him.

denny57

Ok, sounds like he's walking. You can handle tomorrow any way that works for you. What is your boundary in these situations? Sounds like you've stuck to it. What is there to discuss?

jen in me

I almost called his Dad for him (his Dad lives right near where he is) and then I thought I am really not supposed to do that.
That's me getting all weird and sick and handling everything for him...or is it me protecting myself because his Dad will mellow him out???

jen in me

So then I'm doing the boundary thing correctly (haha)...I am just SO stinkin' unsure of myself right now!

Where I drew the line was with getting in the car w/him if he has been drinking.

"If you have been drinking, I will not come pick you up or be in a car with you." I guess that is my boundary...I probably need about 15 more.

pmaslan

How did he get to the bar or where ever he was drinking...I'd say he
can get home the same way!
Chances are he won't remember it tomorrow anyway...
Stick to you boundries...they work if you work them...

denny57

Maybe, but 2 is a good start LOL. My view is you are handling it right. The next step is to not worry about tomorrow. Just today, tonight. If you're fine with how you handled your side of it, carry on tomorrow just as you did today. Good luck, Jen, I know how difficult it can be - and the guilt can be overwhelming. But as you change, it will get less - I guarantee it.

jen in me

Thanks!
And Patty - You are SOOO right. He will not remember a thing.

pmaslan

Tomorrows problem solved.....

Pick-a-name

haha probably.

You really don't have to say anything. You already did; but he drank anyhow. So HE made the choice and now he gets a nice walk!

LongStrangeTrip

I once put my AH out of my truck about a mile from home because he was drunk and yelling at me while I was driving because I wouldn't let HIM drive us home.
He was so exausted from walking home, he simply fell on the bed and passed out.
The next day, he never said a word to me about it.

temlin3

Good luck, Jen. I don't have any better suggestions than those already given, but I wanted to let you know there's one more person out there wishing you the best.

Take care,
Jennifer

FormerDoormat

So, how did he get to the bar?

jen in me

I don't know - I didn't ask. Could barely get a word in if I even wanted to anyway. He's been calling every minute and last message said he had a ride and called me every name in the book.

I am not excited.

Gotta go and gonna erase the internet history so he doesn't see this...

Thanks so much you guys.

jen in me

well, just to wrap up...

He did not forget last night and is very angry at me. He says I am the only one who doesn't like him when he's drunk and that the only reason I can't be in a car with him is because I can't keep my mouth shut.

And - in a way - that is true for me! I can't guarantee at this point in my life that I won't say something that sets him off. I don't know if I want to be able to guarantee that.

So I'm having a rough morning.
I'll get over it...but this boundary setting and keeping is hard. All of this is hard. I'm going to try to have a nice and productive day in spite of it and maintain a calm attitude with him. I told him that I'm sorry it has to be this way and that I have to take care of myself.
He's just angry at me.

Thanks for listening and being there last night.

rivercitybelle

Yes, setting boundaries and keeping them is hard.
Staying with your A is hard, leaving your A is hard.
What's easier in the short term, is not always good for us in the long term.
Doesn't it feel good to stand up for yourself and respect yourself in the morning?
Think about what exactly he is angry with you about... it's that he wasn't able to manipulate you into doing what HE wanted rather than what YOU wanted.
You're doing good. Keep being nice to you and treating yourself well.

Janitw

Hi Jen-
Just wanted to say hi and I understand as we all do how you feel. We have all been there. I can't count how many trips in the truck that I have had with my AH that were terrible. I used to think that he deliberately trapped me in the truck just to complain about whatever was on his wet brain at the time. Soooo like you after awhile I just couldn't get into the truck with him anymore at all. It's sad isn't it? Hang in there hun.