kermit

Crap I'm totally depressed after seeing Ah yesturday! He didn't look good to me. I came to realize how much I Love this man, and how pissed off I am that he is going down this F uped road.
I'm doing well, adjusting to the hours at work, I hardly see my kids. They are not adjusting the way I had hoped. I hold in my heart that they will one day see how hard and why I work. I will be putting in alot of over time the next couple of weeks. I get paid for it so thats okay, it's the kids I worrie about. My AH works close to home so I had hoped he would be able to help out in the evenings with the kids, after yesturday thats out of the question. Even with all the support and help that I have This single parent thing is HARD!I wish I coulkdd smash AH's head against a brick wall. I don't know what will get through to him. I HATE THAT I LOVE HIM.i HATE THAT HE CHOSE TO WALK AWAY AND NOT FIGHT, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM.............I SO LOVE HIM.........................i'M SCREWED!

Pick-a-name

(((kermit))) I know your frustration;sorry you are so overwhelmed.

Nothing I can "do" but here's a cyber-hug for you

ICU

So stop beating around the bush already and tell us how you really feel Kermit! LOL....just kidding.

Feels good to vent doesn't it? Vent all you need to...it does help. Better out than in I always say.

Not much else to add at the moment...just wanted to let you know that someone was listening, and, understands!!!

kermit

Thanks everyone!
SweetNuff, you hit the nail one the head.
Venting helps ALOT ICU!
Picka, back at you

Pick-a-name

Thanks!

sunshine003

What helped me was putting it all in perspective when I was feeling depressed. I had those "I love him" feelings. But on one hand, how could I say that when on the other I had reality. I didn't love "him". How could I? I'm sure you know this but what is there to love right now? Doesn't even sound like he's there for you or the children....and you don't love that, that's for sure. You're loving what was not what is.

It is hard kermit, very hard. I'm sorry.

mazey

I'm new here. This post was exactly what I'm fighting with. Mourning the loss of what could have been....death of dreams? It helps so much to share the same feelings with someone.

denny57

Hi Mazey37, welcome!

Did you want to start a new thread so everyone can meet you?

Glad to have you here and look forward to getting to know you.

kermit

My neighbor took me and the kids to Lake Arrowhead today, I didn't really want to go but MAN I'm glad we did. It was a great day. It was so beautiful there,we had lunch and did alittle shopping. Today I forgot............it was great. Love you guys! Thanks

kermit

Mazey, welcome.. I'm glad you understand me a little. Know you are in the right palce start a thread and tell us about yourself and situation WE LOVE TO HELP! Trust me I get alot here. I keep in my heart and soul this,... life may not be the party we expected, but lets dance anyway.....
Life is tough but God willing we will all make it as great as we can.
I have learned that here!
Thanks for posting

denny57

I got out of town, too, kermit. Los Olivos/Santa Barbara. It was lovely. Every once in a while it's good to get recharged away from the norm.

kermit

You said it. Man what a great day. I'm glad yours was too, getting ready to call my AH I need to find out how much money he can give us.

STAND BY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BAck, no answer, like thats a surprise. MAybe i'll just take the money out myself,(i'm still on the account)

elizabeth1979

You know whats really interesting Kermit.
I realized last night, that I dont even love my ex anymore.

Ask yourself this.

What is it I love about him, as he is?

pmaslan

Good question Sarah....

my answer to that ...not a friggin' thing.

Cynay

You know .... there is a REALLY thin line between love and hate.

The feelings are so intense and related... I dont think its weird at all to love and hate them at the same time....

I love my ex, no doubt about that.... Im now trying to work through the issues we are not compatable on and why this realtionship cant be.

kermit

I love him because I know HIM, he is a lost sole and has been through alot of crap in his upbringing. He is smart and funny just because he is lost in this awful place I love him. I pray he will get better. Do I like what he is doing right now? NO! But I have done things I wish I never had, if people we not able to forgive me and love me I would not be the person I am. I will always be my AH's biggest fan. I know what a great man he trully is. I'm working on me and doing what is best for my kids. It is painful but it must be done.

marriedithink

Ask yourself this.

What is it I love about him, as he is?[/QUOTE]

I did exactly that.
My answer to myself was surprising. I don't love him. I care about him, I like him at times............But no love. I loved the idea of what we were going to have. He charmed me from day one. But I never knew the real him. Not totally anyway. He's always hiding. How can I love someone I don't know?

pmaslan

Exactly!!!!!!

BayouSelf

Who knows what will get through to them? I never figured it out. My exAH is not drinking, but just about to have his truck repossessed because he can't make the payment on it (it is still half in my name), then he won't have wheels to get to work. Sometimes I think, "okay if he loses the truck, then he'll hit his bottom". Probably not, then someone else will come along and enable him as always has been the case. I love my ex-AH too, but when it hurts that bad to love someone, it's probably best to get as far away from them as possible. Love isn't supposed to hurt and if it does, it might not be the love we think it is. I loved the "illusion" of what I thought we were going to be and that "illusion" never came true. I was in love with a "dream". I've now let that dream go and it feels awesome!

elizabeth1979

Asking yourself what you love about someone, exactly the way they are is thought provoking.

Can you say..
I love him generosity
I love his sensitivity
I love his compassion
I love his willingness to compromise
I love that he loves himself.

I could go on and on. I could not say any of those things...all of the "love" i had tied up was in the love of the way I wanted him to be, the way he used to be, the way he was when he wasnt drinking, or the love of who I 'knew' he could be..or mostly with me, it was the love of a finished project..selish love I had for being my little project.

I found I had no love for the person he was as he was.