What we Accept from Others
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
What we Accept from Others
from: http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/strai...wo_of_cha.html
In a recent post I talked about step one of “Changing me, Changes we”: if we don't like what we're getting, then we need to look at what we're giving. Today I’m going to talk about step two: looking at what we're accepting.
Sometimes I’m blown away by what people accept and choose to live with day to day. I see people stay with partners who are openly having affairs, are verbally abusive, emotionally cold, blatantly selfish, un-accountable and on and on. Accepting these behaviors only intensifies them; the more they accept, the more their partners give.
Accepting unacceptable behavior trains your partner to give you more unacceptable behavior. If you don’t respect yourself enough to be treated well, then your partner certainly won’t. In fact, the people who are being hurtful and disrespectful are the first ones to say they don’t respect their partners because their partners don’t stand up to them.
How do the people in your life treat you? Does your boss, your friend, your partner and even your child treat you disrespectfully? If so, the common denominator in all these relationships is…you. If everywhere in your life people are disrespectful, then you need to ask yourself why you accept that. If only your romantic partners treat you disrespectfully then what makes it okay for the person you share your bed with to treat you poorly?
We all have the right to be treated respectfully yet not all of us choose to invoke that right. You decide how others are to treat you. You decide what you will and will not accept…even if your partner never stops doing the same behavior. If your limits aren’t working, then you need to up the ante--not accept the behavior. If your loved ones don’t listen, set a limit.
If they don’t follow it, up the ante and set a bigger limit. If they don’t follow that, then perhaps it’s time to get help or move on.
Get clear on what you are and are not willing to accept, and make sure your actions back up your words. Your loved ones will respect you more and so will you.
Challenge: Get conscious of the behaviors you are accepting in your life that you don’t like. Is it time to set a limit or perhaps to up the ante? If so, decide what your action is going to be and follow through. Minimally you will feel better for standing up for yourself.
In a recent post I talked about step one of “Changing me, Changes we”: if we don't like what we're getting, then we need to look at what we're giving. Today I’m going to talk about step two: looking at what we're accepting.
Sometimes I’m blown away by what people accept and choose to live with day to day. I see people stay with partners who are openly having affairs, are verbally abusive, emotionally cold, blatantly selfish, un-accountable and on and on. Accepting these behaviors only intensifies them; the more they accept, the more their partners give.
Accepting unacceptable behavior trains your partner to give you more unacceptable behavior. If you don’t respect yourself enough to be treated well, then your partner certainly won’t. In fact, the people who are being hurtful and disrespectful are the first ones to say they don’t respect their partners because their partners don’t stand up to them.
How do the people in your life treat you? Does your boss, your friend, your partner and even your child treat you disrespectfully? If so, the common denominator in all these relationships is…you. If everywhere in your life people are disrespectful, then you need to ask yourself why you accept that. If only your romantic partners treat you disrespectfully then what makes it okay for the person you share your bed with to treat you poorly?
We all have the right to be treated respectfully yet not all of us choose to invoke that right. You decide how others are to treat you. You decide what you will and will not accept…even if your partner never stops doing the same behavior. If your limits aren’t working, then you need to up the ante--not accept the behavior. If your loved ones don’t listen, set a limit.
If they don’t follow it, up the ante and set a bigger limit. If they don’t follow that, then perhaps it’s time to get help or move on.
Get clear on what you are and are not willing to accept, and make sure your actions back up your words. Your loved ones will respect you more and so will you.
Challenge: Get conscious of the behaviors you are accepting in your life that you don’t like. Is it time to set a limit or perhaps to up the ante? If so, decide what your action is going to be and follow through. Minimally you will feel better for standing up for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
i love seeing these kinds of posts...especially now....i have been feeling so empowered and it feels good. i have been standing up for myself,setting boundaries,taking heed of any red flags anywhere,calling people on their lies and not so nice intentions........and as usual,ya know what...sometimes u get blasted for it..........people just do not like when u stand up to them. i went thru this years ago when i was in my twenties,i read the book "pulling your own strings"....as i put what i learned to use in my life i saw how people react when u stand up to them. and i didnt care.it felt good to be in control of myself.to respect myself. over the years,i let that control and respect slip away and i am now getting it back.i dont know if it is age,or this forum and all i have learned and been encouraged here.....but whatever it is i never want to lose it again...and i dont care anymore what anyone
thinks just because i have set my boundaries and dont sit there quietly while they continue to walk all over me and/or my feelings.
thinks just because i have set my boundaries and dont sit there quietly while they continue to walk all over me and/or my feelings.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
My A and I were like two rams butting heads and then I stopped. I was working the program for almost 3 years and he kept getting worse and worse. I just went on about my business and although I stood up for myself, I should have just thrown him out before he did the irreparable damage that he's done and ruined our lives. Well, at least for now mine is pretty much in the toilet but I'm climbing out. I still blame myself and I still may for a while for allowing him to treat me so poorly in front of family, children and what few friends I have left but I have to keep walking and holding my head up. I can't change what has already happened and I accept now that I surely could not change him. I came at this from every angle and nothing worked. I should have just thrown him out a long time ago
He WAS my husband.
He WAS the father of my children.
He WAS a good provider.
He WAS the love of my life.
He IS an alcoholic and my house came crashing down on my head but guess what...I caught it.
He WAS my husband.
He WAS the father of my children.
He WAS a good provider.
He WAS the love of my life.
He IS an alcoholic and my house came crashing down on my head but guess what...I caught it.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Elizabeth, thanks for reminding me about unacceptable behaviour. So perfect!
I had just decided it was okay to be treated like I have. This is so bizarre, cuz I really am a strong person, but sure have taken his crap for too long. I just have to recognize and not "tuck away" unacceptable behavior. My daughter just was telling me about how demeaning my a/?h is to my very wonderful son-in-law. He's jealous of him! It's part of the control...My mind is just exhausted!
I had just decided it was okay to be treated like I have. This is so bizarre, cuz I really am a strong person, but sure have taken his crap for too long. I just have to recognize and not "tuck away" unacceptable behavior. My daughter just was telling me about how demeaning my a/?h is to my very wonderful son-in-law. He's jealous of him! It's part of the control...My mind is just exhausted!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Thanks for the great post.
I'm obviously still working on figuring this one out.
As well as working on how I treat others as I've noticed that a part of AH's old ways have rubbed off on me and I've adapted by acting out.
Still a work in progress.
I'm obviously still working on figuring this one out.
As well as working on how I treat others as I've noticed that a part of AH's old ways have rubbed off on me and I've adapted by acting out.
Still a work in progress.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Thank you Elizabeth. I needed to see this. This is something my sponsor has said to me over and over again when I've whined about how I've been treated. She would tell me that I had taught others how to treat me. At this I would just shut down and figure, great one more thing I've done wrong. I didn't want to look at what I had done and continue to do but I'm reaching a point where I need to do just that. This post couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you so much!
Hugs,
Kellye
Hugs,
Kellye
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