my wife just entered residential treatment (alcohol)...what to expect upon her return
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somebeach, Somewhere
Posts: 15
my wife just entered residential treatment (alcohol)...what to expect upon her return
My wife and I have had a very tumulous relationship these last 8-10 years, but 3-5 years ago, she began drinking more heavily, especially this last year. Before this, she was a social dinker for many years. She hit rock bottom 2 weeks ago and I got her to go to detox, then 30 day residential. She's been an angry, depressed person in complete mental lock down these last 8 months especially. She has told me and our children that we did this to her and we're the reason she drinks. We have gotten little out of her this last year in the way of sharing family responsibilites and helping out around the house. She has really affected the kids; cursing at them and slapping them around (they kept finding the numerous glasses and bottles of wine she hid everywhere in our house and garage) and they are embarrased because their friends all know she drinks. We (the kids and I) are about fed up with her which is why we pressed her to get into detox, but we do love her and hope she can get herself pemanently straighted out. The biggest concern I have is that to her, everything is not her fault, its ours (especially mine). She calls me verbally abusive, but honestly most of the arguements and yelling we've had (abuse to her) are because she has refused to do something, forgot to do something, has been not doing anything all day long in the way of housekeeping (nor getting the kids to do anything) while our house was a wreck etc. I work full time and have had the same job for 20 years. She hadn't worked for about 10 years, except did start back a couple of years ago (and that didn't go well, and she lost a real good job, primarily I think because her employer couldn't get her to do what they asked either). She refuses to do anything anyone asks her (she "chooses not to") even on reasonable things that need to be done. She says she is nitpicked all the time and everyone needs to get off her back. Problem is, if you don't constantly remind her about things (like house payments, utility payments, taking kids to work, handling things they need done for school, their doctor appointments, etc) she just forgets them or ignors them and nothing ever gets done. She has been locked in our bedroom for 8 months, mostly sleeping 20 hours a day, and drinking more than we all realized. I'm just wonderding if anyone here can relate and I'm hoping someone can give me some encouragement that I can expect a totally different person to return to our house in 3 weeks. Her counselor indicated that a complete turn around for someone like her is possible and maybe even the norm, but we're one week into rehab and she's still an angry, irrational person who in some ways is acting stranger now than before she went into detox. She's very physically shaky and acts like she's on "speed" or something now, talking fast, wringing hands, interuptive, etc. Its strange to see her like this and it worries us.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, outdoor1, glad you're here - but sorry for the reasons
I'm pretty darn sure you'll find a lot of people here who can relate. I can't speak to the detox and her return, as my AH has never been in recovery.
The behaviors you're describing are common and the first thing to know is what we call the 3 C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. There is plenty you can do, though, as well as your children.
Read the stickys at the top of this forum. What works for me is Al-Anon, individual counseling with a therapist who specializes in addictions, discussions with our doctor and SR. I also learned all I could about alcoholism. There is excellent information to be found on the web, great books - I like Under the Influence to understand the physiological effects of alcohol in an alcoholic.
I think every person is different, so knowing whether you will get a completely different person at the end of the next couple weeks is impossible to know.
Please keep posting - you are not alone in this and everyone here offers incredible understanding and support.
((()))
BTW, how old are your children?
I'm pretty darn sure you'll find a lot of people here who can relate. I can't speak to the detox and her return, as my AH has never been in recovery.
The behaviors you're describing are common and the first thing to know is what we call the 3 C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. There is plenty you can do, though, as well as your children.
Read the stickys at the top of this forum. What works for me is Al-Anon, individual counseling with a therapist who specializes in addictions, discussions with our doctor and SR. I also learned all I could about alcoholism. There is excellent information to be found on the web, great books - I like Under the Influence to understand the physiological effects of alcohol in an alcoholic.
I think every person is different, so knowing whether you will get a completely different person at the end of the next couple weeks is impossible to know.
Please keep posting - you are not alone in this and everyone here offers incredible understanding and support.
((()))
BTW, how old are your children?
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
The actions you are observing, the nervousness and fidgeting I would think are normal and it is also possible that she is being given some medication to help with the withdrawals which could make her act different. I know when I detoxed (I did it at home) I was shaky, panicky, sick to my stomach, super jumpy and miserable from both the physical symptoms as well as the demoralization that had led me to be where I was.
As for telling you what to expect when she gets out, that's anybody's guess. There is the chance that should could catch a clue while she's in there and figure out that nobody MADE her drink, it was a choice she made and one that she's paid dearly for along with her family. There is a chance that she will be willing to do the footwork required by the steps of AA and you should see a shift in attitude. Or she could bide her time and wait to get out of this place you people put her in (after all, it's not her fault she's there right?)
A lot is going to depend on her attitude and whether or not it changes while she is there. You can't force recovery on someone who doesn't want it. All they can do is carry the message of experience, strength and hope. It will be up to her what to do with it.
Beware that if she stays sober, things will likely get crazier for a while as her emotions and everything she has sought to escape staying drunk 20 out of 24 hours a day will find it's way out and it's hard to deal with it.
All I can say right now is to focus on you and your kids and what you can do to help yourselves. Al-Anon and Ala-teen may good places to start.
Big hugs,
Kellye
As for telling you what to expect when she gets out, that's anybody's guess. There is the chance that should could catch a clue while she's in there and figure out that nobody MADE her drink, it was a choice she made and one that she's paid dearly for along with her family. There is a chance that she will be willing to do the footwork required by the steps of AA and you should see a shift in attitude. Or she could bide her time and wait to get out of this place you people put her in (after all, it's not her fault she's there right?)
A lot is going to depend on her attitude and whether or not it changes while she is there. You can't force recovery on someone who doesn't want it. All they can do is carry the message of experience, strength and hope. It will be up to her what to do with it.
Beware that if she stays sober, things will likely get crazier for a while as her emotions and everything she has sought to escape staying drunk 20 out of 24 hours a day will find it's way out and it's hard to deal with it.
All I can say right now is to focus on you and your kids and what you can do to help yourselves. Al-Anon and Ala-teen may good places to start.
Big hugs,
Kellye
is grateful
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: in my house
Posts: 42
Hey,
Your wife, believe it or not, sounds like a typical alkie to me. When my dad drinks, he becomes irrational, almost to the point where I think he is psychotic. By this I mean that he feels persecuted, provokes arguments unnecessarily, shirks responsibility, plays the victim role constantly, and IS SO STUBBORN YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE. If he doesn't want to do something, you can bet there's not a damn thing you can do to get him to do it.
However, having seen my dad sober for 20 straight years now, I can tell you that he is a very loving, fun man. If he does slip up and drink though, which he's only done a handful of times, it takes him nearly a week to recover, and then several more weeks to get back to his hard-working self (and believe it or not, my dad is a pretty hard-working guy when he's sober. He has a lot of energy, but since alcohol is a depressant it takes away a lot of his ambition).
I see no reason why your wife can't be an awesome, if not somewhat quirky, person sober. However, she'll need to NOT DRINK, and learn to mature. My dad tends to resist change-- all alcoholics do-- but with age, he's mellowed out a lot and not he's pretty damn cool. He's had to Give In & Grow Up. Now, he's a lot happier for it, and a very good dad.
Good luck to you and your wife. AA and NA can be good tools ... but the best teacher is really life. Once your wife sobers up, getting a job and having some responsibility is a great idea for her. It'll help her to grow and live in the real world.
Your wife, believe it or not, sounds like a typical alkie to me. When my dad drinks, he becomes irrational, almost to the point where I think he is psychotic. By this I mean that he feels persecuted, provokes arguments unnecessarily, shirks responsibility, plays the victim role constantly, and IS SO STUBBORN YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE. If he doesn't want to do something, you can bet there's not a damn thing you can do to get him to do it.
However, having seen my dad sober for 20 straight years now, I can tell you that he is a very loving, fun man. If he does slip up and drink though, which he's only done a handful of times, it takes him nearly a week to recover, and then several more weeks to get back to his hard-working self (and believe it or not, my dad is a pretty hard-working guy when he's sober. He has a lot of energy, but since alcohol is a depressant it takes away a lot of his ambition).
I see no reason why your wife can't be an awesome, if not somewhat quirky, person sober. However, she'll need to NOT DRINK, and learn to mature. My dad tends to resist change-- all alcoholics do-- but with age, he's mellowed out a lot and not he's pretty damn cool. He's had to Give In & Grow Up. Now, he's a lot happier for it, and a very good dad.
Good luck to you and your wife. AA and NA can be good tools ... but the best teacher is really life. Once your wife sobers up, getting a job and having some responsibility is a great idea for her. It'll help her to grow and live in the real world.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
I think it is probably safe to say that you shouldn't have ANY expectations of her behavior upon her return...
Sobriety and making life altering changes is along term project...
it doesn't happen overnight..
Longer term - sure she can get better..People do it all the time.
Sobriety and making life altering changes is along term project...
it doesn't happen overnight..
Longer term - sure she can get better..People do it all the time.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I agree with Minx - don't have expectations because you don't know what will happen tomorrow. One day at a time is all you can handle, and that's all she can handle too. I just went through this. I've been sitting here for the past half hour reading my husband's recovery folder - some of the worksheets he filled out and information sheets he received in detox/rehab.
Her physical symptoms are probably due to withdrawal. My husband shook pretty bad for the first week he was in the recovery facility. He had problems remembering words when speaking. He stuttered a bit. He had hand tremors. If your wife relapses, it will begin before she actually picks up a drink. Certain pre-relapse behaviors will appear, such as feelings of anger, stress, hopelessness, depression. (I got that info. from my husband's recovery folder.)
As hard as this was for me to grasp, my husband felt I was "pressuring" him to do work around our new home on the weekends when he need to "relax." He was stone-blind drunk from Friday night until he dragged himself to work (late usually) on Mondays. The only "work" that got done around here was stuff I did. If I asked him to do something, he became outraged. Of course, that only happened when he wasn't passed out drunk. But he sees things through his eyes, not mine. That is what he perceived was happening, while I saw things differently. An alcoholic isn't functioning in reality. Their reality is created to protect their addiction. Don't expect her to magically transform when she comes out of rehab. She may make it, she may not.
My husband got his 30-day sober chip just before he left the rehab facility. He made it another 18 days until he relapsed and was arrested for operating our jetski "OUI" (operating under the influence). He had actually started drinking two days before and I didn't realize it until we were out on the water. I was shocked, but all I said was, "You've been drinking." Neither of us mentioned it again. After all, what would be the point of discussing the obvious?
There is nothing family members can do for an alcoholic other than support them in their sobriety and work a program of their own in Al-Anon. Believe me, reading stuff from his workbook really got me in touch with feelings of deep hurt and betrayal. Actually, he just chose to do what addicts do. As personally as I'm feeling this at this particular moment, I have to pull back and realize that my hopes and expectations that he'd make it this time around didn't happen. But they were MY expectations of what I wanted him to do or to be. Reality: I have no control over what my husband does, nor do I have the power to make him drink or quit drinking. My disappointment and despair are a result of what I wanted to happen.
Hope that makes some sense. Believe me, I have been in your situation and it stinks. This disease pulls everybody down in the family. I wish I could offer you some wonderful, magical solution but the fact is all each one of us can do who is involved with an alcoholic is take care of ourselves and make our own lives better. It is up to the alcoholic to do the same if they so desire.
Her physical symptoms are probably due to withdrawal. My husband shook pretty bad for the first week he was in the recovery facility. He had problems remembering words when speaking. He stuttered a bit. He had hand tremors. If your wife relapses, it will begin before she actually picks up a drink. Certain pre-relapse behaviors will appear, such as feelings of anger, stress, hopelessness, depression. (I got that info. from my husband's recovery folder.)
As hard as this was for me to grasp, my husband felt I was "pressuring" him to do work around our new home on the weekends when he need to "relax." He was stone-blind drunk from Friday night until he dragged himself to work (late usually) on Mondays. The only "work" that got done around here was stuff I did. If I asked him to do something, he became outraged. Of course, that only happened when he wasn't passed out drunk. But he sees things through his eyes, not mine. That is what he perceived was happening, while I saw things differently. An alcoholic isn't functioning in reality. Their reality is created to protect their addiction. Don't expect her to magically transform when she comes out of rehab. She may make it, she may not.
My husband got his 30-day sober chip just before he left the rehab facility. He made it another 18 days until he relapsed and was arrested for operating our jetski "OUI" (operating under the influence). He had actually started drinking two days before and I didn't realize it until we were out on the water. I was shocked, but all I said was, "You've been drinking." Neither of us mentioned it again. After all, what would be the point of discussing the obvious?
There is nothing family members can do for an alcoholic other than support them in their sobriety and work a program of their own in Al-Anon. Believe me, reading stuff from his workbook really got me in touch with feelings of deep hurt and betrayal. Actually, he just chose to do what addicts do. As personally as I'm feeling this at this particular moment, I have to pull back and realize that my hopes and expectations that he'd make it this time around didn't happen. But they were MY expectations of what I wanted him to do or to be. Reality: I have no control over what my husband does, nor do I have the power to make him drink or quit drinking. My disappointment and despair are a result of what I wanted to happen.
Hope that makes some sense. Believe me, I have been in your situation and it stinks. This disease pulls everybody down in the family. I wish I could offer you some wonderful, magical solution but the fact is all each one of us can do who is involved with an alcoholic is take care of ourselves and make our own lives better. It is up to the alcoholic to do the same if they so desire.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somebeach, Somewhere
Posts: 15
Thank you all for your replies, they were very insightful. I guess I'll try and not have any expectations, but that will be tough for me. I'm ready to have a normal spouse and good parent to our kids, clean house, reasonable order, and a partner who shares the load. I'm about to make some business decisions if she comes back the same goofy blaming person. But, since my first prefernce is to really get this worked out and the the "old her" (and I mean from a long time ago) back, I will give her receovery process a chance and go from there. Part of me says I should make those business decisions now while I have her out of here for the next three weeks and could make the arrangements for her (pack her stuff so she can leave somewhere for a long time if not permanently).
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 70
outdoor1 Thansk great that your wife has gone to rehab. Reading yor post I can relate to the sma ethings you talk about with my SO. She blames her drinking oon me and has the anger and the verbal abuse. And flat out has said she will not stop drinking and doesnt have a problem. Im sure youve heard this to. But,at least you got her into rehab and amybe she can see what its doing to her and your family. How did you get her to go was it on her own? Away,good luck and keep posting
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: jonesboro, ar
Posts: 7
outdoor1 I can totally relate to your situation except my wife has not gone to rehab. I see the exact same actions though, hidden bottles, blame me or our son, denial etc etc. Hopefully you will have sucess in your situation and will post about it here. It would be great to see a success story and maby it will give me hope for my own situation.
Good Luck
Good Luck
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi Outdoor1 and welcome,
I would definately suggest reading the stickies, reading a couple of helpful books, Under the Influence and Codependant No More. Under the Influence is really helpful in gaining insight into the disease and the long term effects it has on the alcoholic. Mentally and physically.
I think its important to say that she will be different because she is not drinking, but the same underlying issues are there after rehab. Rehab gives alcoholics time off the booze and tools with which they can use to stay off the booze. This does not change who tehy are and make them a different person. Many times, for many people, they find that life with the alcoholic after treatment is harder than before. Maybe that would not be true in your case, but you dont really know.
I think its important for you to ask yourself what you want, what are you willing to give a little on, and what are you not willing to accept. SHe will not turn into a "normal" person just from being in rehab. Its a lifetime of recovery and this disease does not go away just because sthey are in treatment.
It sounds to me like she didnt want to quit drinking and didnt want to go to rehab..that makes things really tough on you and the kids ...
Hang in there, keep posting, and read read read!!
I would definately suggest reading the stickies, reading a couple of helpful books, Under the Influence and Codependant No More. Under the Influence is really helpful in gaining insight into the disease and the long term effects it has on the alcoholic. Mentally and physically.
I'm ready to have a normal spouse and good parent to our kids, clean house, reasonable order, and a partner who shares the load.
I'm just wonderding if anyone here can relate and I'm hoping someone can give me some encouragement that I can expect a totally different person to return to our house in 3 weeks.
I think its important for you to ask yourself what you want, what are you willing to give a little on, and what are you not willing to accept. SHe will not turn into a "normal" person just from being in rehab. Its a lifetime of recovery and this disease does not go away just because sthey are in treatment.
It sounds to me like she didnt want to quit drinking and didnt want to go to rehab..that makes things really tough on you and the kids ...
Hang in there, keep posting, and read read read!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
But, since my first prefernce is to really get this worked out and the the "old her" (and I mean from a long time ago) back, I will give her receovery process a chance and go from there
My suggestion to you? Why don't you go into a recovery process for YOU and your children? Al Anon works great, other recovery programs work also.
Once she is done with her rehab, her focus will still be on her. She won't suddenly wake up after 10 years and so "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" It is a long journey for her and the best thing you can do for her at this time is get yourself some support and help.
I think you are way off base having expectations of her ..... what are your expectations of yourself? Your kids? Have you asked the kids to chip in and help, or is that her responsibility to ask? What part have you played in all of this? What have you done to have a reasonable life, or have you put all of that responsibility on her?
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Welcome to SR outdoor1. I could have written a very similar post to yours a while back. I can not speak highly enough of getting educated about the disease and the effects on the family. I like to share a post that's in the best of section here:
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=89886
I can tell you I followed each of the 10 suggestions in that post to the letter as if my own emotional health depended on it. And I am much better off becasue of it.
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=89886
I can tell you I followed each of the 10 suggestions in that post to the letter as if my own emotional health depended on it. And I am much better off becasue of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somebeach, Somewhere
Posts: 15
well, yes, I have chipped in..........(I think)
Originally Posted by ASpouse
Have you asked the kids to chip in and help, or is that her responsibility to ask? What part have you played in all of this? What have you done to have a reasonable life, or have you put all of that responsibility on her?
As far as what part I've played in all this..........., If you ask her, ......I AM the entire problem and the main reason that she is where she is, period.
She says I don't support her attempts to parent the kids (and sometimes I don't because she makes some very poor parenting decisions) we have a lot of arguments about how the kids should be raised and what they ought to be allowed to do, the kids refuse to mind her and don't respect her and that's my mainly my fault because "they hear the way I talk to her" (which is abusive in her mind, but a desperate and admitedly sometimes angry attempt to get something done in mine), I'm no help around the house either (although I handle almost everything, I promise you), I'm unaffectionate, not nice to her (somewhat true, because she's argumentative, bitchy, moody, and very difficult to talk to most times [hangs up the phone, stomps away almost every conversation] which makes me not want to be with her), I micromanage her (translation, I ask her to do things and am persistent if they don't get done after numerous requests), try to control her, etc., etc.
I promise you, I'm not that bad of a guy, and I'm generally happy and very low key at work. But when it comes to the home, when you have a family, and one of the key team players "just isn't there", it puts a lot of pressure on everyone else, and I have a real hard time just "dealing with it" as she requests. Does that give you a better idea of our problems/situation? Sorry to rant and bitch but you sort of struck a nerve with me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I'm sure you're not a bad guy at all and she is not bad either, just ill with a devastating disease.
It seems you are going to have to take charge and leave her out of the equation for now.
Her words of blame are just that. You might want to check out Al Anon or some other recovery/support group for yourself and your kids and learn how you can gain control of your lives again.
You guys are in that spiral being sucked into the black hole she has created for herself. My feeling is she can go there is she wants to, but you guys don't have to jump in behind her.
Good luck to you.
It seems you are going to have to take charge and leave her out of the equation for now.
Her words of blame are just that. You might want to check out Al Anon or some other recovery/support group for yourself and your kids and learn how you can gain control of your lives again.
You guys are in that spiral being sucked into the black hole she has created for herself. My feeling is she can go there is she wants to, but you guys don't have to jump in behind her.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 70
outdoor1 I can relate t your situation as my A blames me for the drinking and that I dont do this and I dont do that. These are even things that I really do do. Sometimes it was mind boggling. The things that came out of her. Its all part of the dance to take it off of her and put it onto me/you. Funny,as you read the threads here you will see that some of the A's say and do the same things. I think they are issued a manual with the disease!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
outdoor1 - I hear you! I agree with Aspouse that you're probably going to have to do more and more yourself as she continues down - unless and until she chooses to reach out for help. After my AH left that actually came in handy for me because I wasn't overwhelmed by all that needed to be done - I had been doing it for years anyway.
It's good your children can pitch in. I'd also agree with the suggestion to try Al-Anon and maybe Alateen for them. Key for me was learning to let go of both the resentment that my AH was not behaving as I wished and my anger at the disease. That allowed me to become proactive. I did plenty of ranting and even more bitching before I came to realize I could approach things in a different way.
Keep posting - glad to have you here.
It's good your children can pitch in. I'd also agree with the suggestion to try Al-Anon and maybe Alateen for them. Key for me was learning to let go of both the resentment that my AH was not behaving as I wished and my anger at the disease. That allowed me to become proactive. I did plenty of ranting and even more bitching before I came to realize I could approach things in a different way.
Keep posting - glad to have you here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
I wish you and yours the best. I do hope your wife recovers.
My experience with my wifes rehab did not go very well. She stayed 21 days but soon started drinking again. Sadly she also met a kindred soul in rehab. I soon found out she was having an affair with drunk she met while in rehab. This ended our marriage of 20 years.
She has disappeared with him now, they enable each other. She continues to search for her bottom.
My experience with my wifes rehab did not go very well. She stayed 21 days but soon started drinking again. Sadly she also met a kindred soul in rehab. I soon found out she was having an affair with drunk she met while in rehab. This ended our marriage of 20 years.
She has disappeared with him now, they enable each other. She continues to search for her bottom.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi and welcome Outdoor1,
Do you think that youre wife is alcoholic?If so,please read all that you can about this disease.In this way you will be more informed.Asking an active alcoholic to do anything,having normal expectations,abouth them,was only hurting me more.Al-anon is a recovery program for the family and friends of alcoholics.Here we learn what part that one has played into all the stuff.My side of the street,if you will.I often thought it was all the alcoholics fault,all the stuff that was going on in my home.I was first offended that another asked me to look at my part,in the mess.But eventually i did,and the change,with different attitudes,,etc,,etc.changed the family diamantcs.Let the change begin with me.I cant change another person. Changing my attitudes,and working a recovery program,for me.Al-aon asks,why do i expect a sick person to behave and act like they are normal,healthy people.Alcoholism is often called the family disease,because the alcoholic acts out,and all family members and or loved ones re-act.
{my opinion only here}___>The kids will take advantage if they are allowed to.Knowing that mother will get the blame for the stuff that they do or dont do as the case may be.Mother is sick,so,lets rampage the place.The house is ours,,lol.Kids are kids.There is a great recovery program for them also,called Ala-teen.I dont know how old your kids are.What they are doing now is working out,for them,why should they change?Whether Mom,is there or not,rules need to be followed.If not,then conquences come,no matter what Mom is doing or not doing.It would be great if Mom,was on the up and up,but the fact is that she is not well at this moment.Find the good in her,and focus on this.Embrace it.Because,the rest can drive you up the wall,if you let it.Please find recovery for yourself and your kids.It is worth it,
my prayers for you and your family,
God Bless,and take care!!!
Do you think that youre wife is alcoholic?If so,please read all that you can about this disease.In this way you will be more informed.Asking an active alcoholic to do anything,having normal expectations,abouth them,was only hurting me more.Al-anon is a recovery program for the family and friends of alcoholics.Here we learn what part that one has played into all the stuff.My side of the street,if you will.I often thought it was all the alcoholics fault,all the stuff that was going on in my home.I was first offended that another asked me to look at my part,in the mess.But eventually i did,and the change,with different attitudes,,etc,,etc.changed the family diamantcs.Let the change begin with me.I cant change another person. Changing my attitudes,and working a recovery program,for me.Al-aon asks,why do i expect a sick person to behave and act like they are normal,healthy people.Alcoholism is often called the family disease,because the alcoholic acts out,and all family members and or loved ones re-act.
{my opinion only here}___>The kids will take advantage if they are allowed to.Knowing that mother will get the blame for the stuff that they do or dont do as the case may be.Mother is sick,so,lets rampage the place.The house is ours,,lol.Kids are kids.There is a great recovery program for them also,called Ala-teen.I dont know how old your kids are.What they are doing now is working out,for them,why should they change?Whether Mom,is there or not,rules need to be followed.If not,then conquences come,no matter what Mom is doing or not doing.It would be great if Mom,was on the up and up,but the fact is that she is not well at this moment.Find the good in her,and focus on this.Embrace it.Because,the rest can drive you up the wall,if you let it.Please find recovery for yourself and your kids.It is worth it,
my prayers for you and your family,
God Bless,and take care!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somebeach, Somewhere
Posts: 15
things are geting worse, relapse, now DWI
Well, my kids (they are teenagers) and I went (drove 2500 miles RT, took everyone out of school) to a week long family program at the request of my wife, at the treatment center she was in for a whole week last week and I THOUGHT things went pretty well. The kids and I both felt she was better but told mom we weren't ready for her to come home yet, back into the house, and that she wasn't either (she didn't like hearing that), and we requested that she go to a halfway house for "awhile". She refused to go to one in the town where the treatment center was, because that was out of state. We wanted her there out of state because its one of the pre-eminent centers, in an area with a lot of support and choices as far as halfway houses go), and frankly we just wanted more time away from the craziness.
She insisted in coming back to our home town instead ("I need to be able to see my kids " she said..... though the kids really don't want to see her right now), where there are very few halfway house options. So, she wouldn't tell us exactly what her plan was, then she lands back had no plan upon arrival, and came home acting crazy again, calling the house, yelling at me, angry, blaming me for her dilemna, etc. I gave her her car back (mistake) because I really had no legal right to withold it. Now, three days later, she's still locked out of our house on the protective order that was granted to me a couple of months ago (I'm not letting her in until I see the anger gone, and she's violated the order twice this week and thinks it's of no effect anymore since she completed a court ordered treatment), and she started drinking again. Then yesterday, at noon, she wrecked her car and got a DWI while trying to come back to the house again (where's she's not supposed to be) while I was at work. She was also cited for leaving the scene of an accident, which makes me think that there is more to the accident that what she's telling me. Her story is that before she wrecked, she had one glass of wine with lunch. But she admitted she was acting weird and failed the breathalizer, so I'm real skeptical. I'm at my wits end. She doesn't want me to tell her parents or our kids. I told her parents anyway, as I felt they needed to know how low she's sunk. Her lawyer bailed her out of jail in 6 hours, and this is my fault. She initially called me from jail panicked and I stupidly gave her her lawyers number (her divorce lawyer, who is also a PI attorney), but told her I wasn't going to bail her out (she wanted me to bring cash). She couldn't even remember his name. I am an IDIOT!!! I wish I would have said "no". Somebody please whack me upside the head and give me some counsel on what they would do now if they were in my shoes. I haven't and will not pay any towing or repair fees or legal fees on this but I did give her a ride last night from the police impound to the hotel near our house where's she staying. I also gave her the name of a halfway house here in our town but told her I really wished she'd go back to the city where her last treatment program was. I wish I would not have done any of that either, because now I'm thinking that if the halfway house or anything else I recommend doesn't work out, that will be my fault too. Strangely, the DWI didn't seem to phase her much. What is it going to take?
She insisted in coming back to our home town instead ("I need to be able to see my kids " she said..... though the kids really don't want to see her right now), where there are very few halfway house options. So, she wouldn't tell us exactly what her plan was, then she lands back had no plan upon arrival, and came home acting crazy again, calling the house, yelling at me, angry, blaming me for her dilemna, etc. I gave her her car back (mistake) because I really had no legal right to withold it. Now, three days later, she's still locked out of our house on the protective order that was granted to me a couple of months ago (I'm not letting her in until I see the anger gone, and she's violated the order twice this week and thinks it's of no effect anymore since she completed a court ordered treatment), and she started drinking again. Then yesterday, at noon, she wrecked her car and got a DWI while trying to come back to the house again (where's she's not supposed to be) while I was at work. She was also cited for leaving the scene of an accident, which makes me think that there is more to the accident that what she's telling me. Her story is that before she wrecked, she had one glass of wine with lunch. But she admitted she was acting weird and failed the breathalizer, so I'm real skeptical. I'm at my wits end. She doesn't want me to tell her parents or our kids. I told her parents anyway, as I felt they needed to know how low she's sunk. Her lawyer bailed her out of jail in 6 hours, and this is my fault. She initially called me from jail panicked and I stupidly gave her her lawyers number (her divorce lawyer, who is also a PI attorney), but told her I wasn't going to bail her out (she wanted me to bring cash). She couldn't even remember his name. I am an IDIOT!!! I wish I would have said "no". Somebody please whack me upside the head and give me some counsel on what they would do now if they were in my shoes. I haven't and will not pay any towing or repair fees or legal fees on this but I did give her a ride last night from the police impound to the hotel near our house where's she staying. I also gave her the name of a halfway house here in our town but told her I really wished she'd go back to the city where her last treatment program was. I wish I would not have done any of that either, because now I'm thinking that if the halfway house or anything else I recommend doesn't work out, that will be my fault too. Strangely, the DWI didn't seem to phase her much. What is it going to take?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by outdoor1
Yes, I have asked (for a long time), for the kids to chip in and I've asked her to get them in gear and under control. I'm actually the family task master, because the wife has been (especially this last year) such an ineffective parent that the kids totally ignore her (and they are mad at her over her drinking right now......"we don't have a mom anymore"). We live in an absolutely filthy house most of the time, but this just doesn't bother her. I'm the guy that does the chore lists with the kids, calls the kids on their cell phones during the day to make sure they are doing what I ask, etc. She meanwhile has a hard time accomplishing or following through on very simple tasks, especially this last year or so, because she really has slept the better part of almost every day. I will admit that maybe, as it relates to housework philosophy and sharing, that perhaps my thinking may not be completely modern or "the norm". I think that the home should be kept reasonably clean and orderly, because life is so crazy for everone on the outside nowdays. There should be one place where family members can come to that is peaceful and comfortable. I can't be comfortable in a mess. Second, since my wife hasn't worked for over 1/2 our 20 year marriage and is the one home with the kids, I do expect that she (while I'm at work all day) should keep the kids organized and make them clean up their messes, give them chores, or at least have the energy and concern to arrange for a house keeper. I gave up a long time ago expecting her to work with the kids and keep the house in order while I'm at work. She just can't and won't get them on a program. She complains about the kids not helping, but never gives them any consequences. I also don't think its too much to ask her to open the bills, read them, and actually pay them. I've actually discussed with her that I would become the primary stay at home person in our house, if she would go out and get a job that supports our lifestyle (and I'm even willing, and pressing for, a reduction in lifestyle). That is something she just can't fathom. In her world, the husband needs to earn most of the money (and for 20 years I've had the same job, bringing home six figures pretty consistently.... I'm in sales), I shouldn't complain about the house, she shouldn't have to do anything related to car repairs, home maintenence, yard work (those are a man's job). Yet she piles up the obligations and expectations, won't get on top of our finances at the house (bounces checks, we have many late fees) and spends $15-20.00 a day on a large bottle wine. On top of the normal obligations we have (house pmt., utilties, credit cards), we have a vacation property we rarely use that she won't let us sell (it's a $1,000 month payment/expense) and I'm expected to pay $3500 a month in private school tuition. We live in one of the best school districts in the entire nation, and yet she has never been willing, at all, to even consider public school for our kids. They have been in private school their entire lives and we've spent thousands, and the kids aren't doing that well at school. It really gets a little exasperating after awhile. Its a WHOLE lot of pressure on me, and I don't feel like I get much help.
As far as what part I've played in all this..........., If you ask her, ......I AM the entire problem and the main reason that she is where she is, period.
She says I don't support her attempts to parent the kids (and sometimes I don't because she makes some very poor parenting decisions) we have a lot of arguments about how the kids should be raised and what they ought to be allowed to do, the kids refuse to mind her and don't respect her and that's my mainly my fault because "they hear the way I talk to her" (which is abusive in her mind, but a desperate and admitedly sometimes angry attempt to get something done in mine), I'm no help around the house either (although I handle almost everything, I promise you), I'm unaffectionate, not nice to her (somewhat true, because she's argumentative, bitchy, moody, and very difficult to talk to most times [hangs up the phone, stomps away almost every conversation] which makes me not want to be with her), I micromanage her (translation, I ask her to do things and am persistent if they don't get done after numerous requests), try to control her, etc., etc.
I promise you, I'm not that bad of a guy, and I'm generally happy and very low key at work. But when it comes to the home, when you have a family, and one of the key team players "just isn't there", it puts a lot of pressure on everyone else, and I have a real hard time just "dealing with it" as she requests. Does that give you a better idea of our problems/situation? Sorry to rant and bitch but you sort of struck a nerve with me.
As far as what part I've played in all this..........., If you ask her, ......I AM the entire problem and the main reason that she is where she is, period.
She says I don't support her attempts to parent the kids (and sometimes I don't because she makes some very poor parenting decisions) we have a lot of arguments about how the kids should be raised and what they ought to be allowed to do, the kids refuse to mind her and don't respect her and that's my mainly my fault because "they hear the way I talk to her" (which is abusive in her mind, but a desperate and admitedly sometimes angry attempt to get something done in mine), I'm no help around the house either (although I handle almost everything, I promise you), I'm unaffectionate, not nice to her (somewhat true, because she's argumentative, bitchy, moody, and very difficult to talk to most times [hangs up the phone, stomps away almost every conversation] which makes me not want to be with her), I micromanage her (translation, I ask her to do things and am persistent if they don't get done after numerous requests), try to control her, etc., etc.
I promise you, I'm not that bad of a guy, and I'm generally happy and very low key at work. But when it comes to the home, when you have a family, and one of the key team players "just isn't there", it puts a lot of pressure on everyone else, and I have a real hard time just "dealing with it" as she requests. Does that give you a better idea of our problems/situation? Sorry to rant and bitch but you sort of struck a nerve with me.
I too have been blamed for every ill by my AW. Go to ebay and get a copy of "i'll quit tomorrow" vernon johnson
you will understand much of the psychology involved.
alcoholics are filled with self hatred and the way they avoid feeling/recognizing/accepting the truth is by PROJECTING this self hatred at others, typically family.
welcome to the club
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