Kywoman

The A in our family is my aunt. She has been living here with us for nearly eight months. She is dwelling on certain things from the past that a person who didn't drink so much every day could get past, at least, in my opinion.

There are very few things that I ask my aunt to do. One is clean the bathroom upstairs that she uses. She doesn't seem to care whether the house is clean or not. And my boys are very embarrassed when their friends ask her why she smells like beer.

She has not taken responsibility for one single thing she has done wrong since she has been here. It is always someone else's fault.

LOL, my aunt says she is "misunderstood".

This is my aunt on the days she doesn't drink, which have averaged about six days total a month since she has been here. Usually when she is broke and I won't give her any money. She is also physically ill, naseau, and tells everyone she is coming down with something.

I can relate very much to what you are saying. She will admit when she is drinking that she has a problem, but when she is sober, it is merely that she drinks too much. She basically told me that she is 53 yrs old and no one is going to tell her when she can or cannot drink. It is pretty clear to me that she doesn't want help and I am no longer pushing the idea her direction. Instead, I told her to move out.

Of course, now she tells everyone how I threw her out and how she has nothing, etc... Funny, she is still using the room she moved into and still eating my groceries, etc..., but I threw her out. It wears a little thin, but at this point, I don't even care what she tells people. I know the truth, my boys know the truth, and so does she. The rest will figure it out eventually the same way that I did.

In a nutshell, I don't have much hope as she is the only one who can make this better and she doesn't appear to want to. And I can so relate to how you feel on a different level, of course, as she is not my spouse.

Big hugs! Take care of you and the children. That is all you can do.

mallowcup

the kids are probably very hurt and embarrassed. They probably don't help or make an effort to get in line in protest to her. Your wife is going through detox. She isn't going to be pleasant.Have you sat the kids down and talked about this? They may not want her home, especially if she is still being caustic and hateful to them. There is no way to predict the outcome, but it couldnt' hurt to consider some of the possible outcomes with them. If she doesn't change or plan to quit drinking, would you consider not allowing her home? It might be a good idea to let the kids skip the visits right now. I do think that it is important to validate their feelings. Without your wife in the house right now, Maybe if you approached your kids on a different level they would pitch in and get the house in order. You could ask for their help and maybe share how hard this is for you too. If your wife remains hostile, she could get her own place. You and the kids could establish some order. I'd invite them to show you the kind of house they would be proud and happy to be a part of. You all must be horribly frustrated and very sick and tired of living in a mess. since you do work full time, would it be possible to hire some help? Whens the last time the kids came home to a dinner or a plate of home made cookies? It sounds like it's been a while since they have enjoyed their mother or felt any loving input form her. Your wife may sober up, she may not. It does sound like the house has been run on your wifes terms. Everyone has been living around her. Maybe sitting down with the kids and talking this out would help. This could be an opportunity. Are you sure you want your wife back home? It's worth some thought.

CodeMaster

I too had hoped to experience the "old her" , and to see her "wake up" and BE HEALED. To my suprise, everything the opposite as I had hoped happened, to my disbelief I became her enemy and nothing less then the worst case scenarios happened and I ended everything with a final goodbye breaking all contact just to protect myself from insanity.

today about a year and a half later, i am still reviewing with myself and friends what exactly happened and still everyday tryin to understand who i am, and gain realization to great self awareness at a level ive never achieved before. ive been blessed by destiny and no matter how much i fallen, destiny never gaveup.

i dont say this to scare you, but like everyone said, dont have any expectations, everyones story is different, and whatever happens, just keep in mind, Destiny lets everything happen for a reason, just focus on what Destiny is teaching you, and let her run her course the way Destiny plans for it to run.

Everyones pain is always in my thoughts, best wishes always.

guyinNC

I'm sorry you are living the same nightmare as the rest of us. I have no good news either.

We were married 19 years, which just officially came to an end. 15 of those years I thought were good....she may beg to differ. She began drinking in secret, it spiraled out of control. I tried as hard as could to save her.......I learned slowly over time it was not up to me. Her 1st DWI I got her into rehab, and I was so hopeful to have my wife back. She began drinking within weeks of returning home and, as I soon found out, she was having an affair with another drunk she met while in rehab. We split up, she wrecked two cars and two more DWIS's. Only a skilled lawyer kept her out of jail. She is now living with her rehab lover and the kids and I rarely hear from her.

I have come to realize that this is a blessing. She is out of our life......but I fear the day she will return.

I still dream of my wife. I remember the woman, the good mom I married. She is still my first thoughts in the morning, my last thoughts before falling asleep. I will always love her, she will always be the mother of my children.

But I am learning to let go.............sometimes we have too.

I wish you the best, and hope your story has a happier ending.

mallowcup

Why are alcoholic wives and mothers so easy to remember and good wives so easy to forget?

FormerDoormat

Outdoor, it's clear to me that you're still in the enabling mode. As long as your wife can count on you for help when she's in trouble due to her drinking, she'll have no reason to change.

You're also sending her mixed messages. You say you have a protective order against her, which probably states you want limited or no contact with her, but yet you rush to her aid when she's in trouble. If you want your wife to take you seriously when you set a boundary (like a protective order), then you need to stick to it.

After 10 years of a tumultous marriage, the last of five of which included drinking to excess, a round of rehab followed by a quick return to drinking and a DWI, plus verbal abuse directed to you and physical abuse directed at your children, not to mention a general lack of emotional availability and down right self-centered and lazy behavior, I have to wonder why you would even consider interacting with her at this point or have hope that she could somehow, miraculously, become the spouse that you've always envisioned.

She's not the woman you married. That woman is clearly gone or perhaps she never existed at all.

steve11694

IMO they are all equally as hard to forget

embraced2000

hello outdoor
fasten yer seatbelt.....the ride is probably gonna get a lot bumpier. get help with yourself and your children as quickly as possible.....al-anon is my choice of help.

i'm so sorry that your family has to suffer from this disease, it is brutal.

good luck and god bless
jeri

nanita

Came upon this forum by accident - it appears everyone is the spouse of an alcoholic. I, however, am an alcoholic, trying desperately to recover. I highly recommend the book that several of you mentioned, "Under the Influence". My first try at sobriety (I'm now on my 2nd) was successful (temporarily) because that book literally scared me sober. Most of you seem to have alcoholic wives, not husbands, so may I also recommend an organization called Women For Sobriety. It's been very helpful to me and has a different spin than AA as it's focused on the differences in women alcoholics and their recovery. You can find them on the internet. Don't know what to say about the dirty house, etc. Although I was drinking about 24 drinks a day, sleeping about 3 hours a day because the alcohol made me so tired, I'm a very functioning alcoholic. Our bills are paid the day I receive them, I always have a good meal on the table when my husband comes home and my house is spotless. That was one of the many ways I hid my drinking from my husband -- if all of my responsibilities were fulfilled, how could he know how serious my drinking problem was??? Anyway, I'm in the midst of trying to quit again, which is why I'm on this site (today is my first time). Good luck to all of you!

outdoor1

UPDATE:.........You guys were ALL right,........

I need so more sane advice guys on my situation.

It's now been almost six months since my crazy sweet little wife initially went off the deep end and into detox. And,........we still need seatbelts. Wife is getting better, but its been a very slow process. She is going to AA meetings about 45 days now, and has a sponsor. I've been going to Alanon for about 15-20 meetings and finally got a sponsor last week. I love her and am hoping we can save our marraiage.

Since the DWI, I have had her on "medium ignore" trying to keep some distance between us and trying to confine serious discussions to when she and I have marriage counseling which is once a week. She's walked out of several of those appointments, very angry, becasue she keeps asking both the couselor and I "why is everything my fault?". Remember, in her eyes, everything is MY FAULT. I turned her into an alcoholic by not "supporting" her, verbally abuing her, being an absentee husband, etc.

I'm questioning the value of that counseling right now, but the counselor thinks she's starting to "get it" in some private sessions they've had (wish I could see that in our joint sessions!). Seems I'm trying to reason with a person who's still incapable of reasoning, and my sponsor thinks I ought to go full non-contact, but this is hard for me, especially because of the kids. I want so much for her to heal her situation with the kids, for their sake. Also she's rattling sabers about "parental alienation".

Right now, best case, she's been sober maybe 30-90 days. Since she's alone in an apartment and still estranged from most if not all family, none of us are really sure if she's drinking or not. She still just a mad, mad, person, blaming me for all her woes. Every other call (used to be EVERY call) is I'm an "uncaring husband for 20 years" or "give me my checkbook, you have all the control" or "I can't heal unless you release that restraining order (which is still in place) and let me back into my house"

I want her to come back and soon as its right, and I've told her that if she can lose the anger and blaming she can come back home, but she just is having an impossible time doing this.

She did go to court on the DWI case this week and voluntarily plead guilty (I think), which is the first real responsibility I've seen her take in a long, long, time. I say "real" because I hope that is what it really was, .... but I don't know since she won't discuss any of that entire piece of her life with me, and I haven't asked. If it was a case of her just realizing that the evidence was too strong and that there was no way she could win, so she folded tent then Im going to be dissapointed.

The court did give her 1 1/2 years probation and said she had to check in monthy and be prepared for surprise visits, and also they put an ignition interlock on her car (big sigh of relief for the family), and ordered her to further alchohol evaluation. Anybody ever dealt with this? Wonder what will happen on that, might they order into another treatment center, being that she got the DWI only 2 weeks after spending 45 days at two previous centers?

In my mind, she has to STOP the mean and unacceptable behavior and rhetoric and APOLOGIZE to the kids and me (and MEAN IT and we need to know she's sincere) and moreover UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT RESPONSIBILTY that her drinking caused so many problems before she comes back into our lives. The counselor is pushing me to accept that she always will have some anger over being "kicked out" as she calls it (and I know that) and that I should let her back in and drop the divorce suit I filed many months ago, but I just feel that unless she realizes that MOST of the problems we've had (and ALL the problems she's had) is because she became an alcoholic and "crashed and burned".

Curious to get the opinions of you experts; am I holding her to too high of a standard of accountability? Bear in mind this is a person who has NEVER been able to apologize for ANYTHING (very insecure, childish in many ways).

steady14

MC:

It's because that's what we remember about what's left of our relationship with the woman we married. The recent bad outweighs the former good which seems so very long ago.

It doesn't seem to me to be any different than what sober women state about their AH/ABF here on this site. You would be surprised as to how similar we are (male or female) with regard to losing people we love to addiction.

That being said, we are also very similar to what we need to become whole again.

embraced2000

in my experience with xh....when he got sober, it was totally overwhelming for him....after all, he had been drunk for 25 years and it was like he just woke up from a coma...

it was not pleasant....we had a glorious 8 weeks, and then the attitudes started all over again...the resentments, anger, blaming....and then off he would go for binge drinking.

she needs so much time to re-create her life. so much anger, shame, and catching up to do in real life.....she has to deal with all of these issues. she has to look into your and her childrens faces and see how she has affected all of your lives, and it is going to hurt her....it may seem easier to go back to the bottle than to deal with it all....

it is so important for you and your children to continue al-anon so that you all can learn how to take care of yourselves in this new phase of sobriety.

best of everything to you and your family

Godhelpme

(((Outdoor1)))

Not much to add to what the others have said. Just wanted to send hugs your way!

Peace to you & your children
~ GHM

parentrecovers

please take good care of yourself and your children. blessings to you and your family - k

lillybellrose

Have you gone to open meetings with her? It would be good for you to see how connected she is with her AA group. I assume she is going as part of her probation. How she acts there. Whether she is connecting with the group, identifying with them, laughing with them at the horrors they have subjected on people will speak so much to her place in recovery. Perhaps, you can find a weekly Open meeting where you meet her there every week. This will show your commitment and willingness to support her, but only in this active part of her recovery. She will not be able to attack you or blame you or possibly even speak of you there. I have never been to a meeting where that has happened. In AA, there is not cross talking which means that when you speak, you are the only person who can speak. No one can interrupt you and they can not speak directly to you after you finish talking except to comment on a point you made. Also, you will learn about Alcoholics. Most importantly, you will see the real miracle in recovering Alcoholics lives. You will hear some of the god awful things women and men used to do. You will look at this wonderful, attractive, educated sober person and think "they did that?" wow they look so normal and responsible and HAPPY. I can think of no better gift to give your children, you or your wife. If you are a praying man, say a little prayer everday for you, for your wife and for your children -- "God, please watch over us today as we try to heal our family, Amen."

I write this to you as an alcoholic and as a wife and as a mother. AA saved my life. I am a happy, lovely, active, responsible, involved, patient, kind and considerate person. I love watching the joy I bring to others. I used to be an isolated alone drinker imaging all the world around me as demanding and uncaring. Now, I love my life.

The very best to you and to your children and to your wife. Tell her after every meeting that you believe in her and that her children love her, but want her back as their mom. Your children don't want to take care of their mother, they want their mother to take care of them. Until she can do that, she needs to get well on her own with the help of AA and her AA family. Make sure she has a sponsor. Make her introduce you to her sponsor. If she does not do these barebone AA steps, have no contact with her whatsoever. Not even phone calls. Make sure she knows what you expect. Don't tell her these things in a father figure tone. Tell her these in love and hope that you will get your wife back. Tell her these things in hope that she will get herself back or find a better her that can live happy in this world during the good times and the bad times. That she can grow strong and face life on life's terms

Best to you

outdoor1

She is attending regular meetings voluntarily, she says. But it was only last week that she plead guilty to the DWI and a substance abuse eval was ordered, which hasn't happened yet. I think she will be ordered to AA or IOP. While she's been in AA these last 2 months, I have offered to go to meetings and I've expressed to her many times that I would like to meet her sponsor, who she's had for a month or so. She's not ready for that; my presence at a meeting with her would be "intrusive", I can just tell. I did go to one open meeting last week at her home group when she turned me down after I invited her to go with me.

She told me not to talk to anyone there or mention my name. I think the reason is, that she has probably painted me black with these people and didn't want them to see that I'm actually a reasonable caring person. I think I met some her regulars in her women's group, but I'm not sure since she hasn't ever named any of them. A couple came up to me me after the meeting because I shared, and I told them a little bit more about my story, but I never metioned or name or many specifics so that she could be identified, on purpose. I don't know if they connected her and I together but they told me to keep doing what I'm doing and to not let her back in yet, until I'm sure she's not drinking. They also told me that they thought that she was probably drinking, since she's alone and doen't want any visitors yet.

The one time we did attend an in-house AA meeting many months ago in her first treatment center, there were 3 of us family members there plus 25 patients and this was the event that got her more pissed than I've ever seen her. Her counselor in that meeting asked me to discuss briefly the effects of living with and A "in general" had been and about how an A had affected my life. I did so, briefly and honestly. She was so embarrased and pissed, even though I din't mention her name and talked very third person. Maybe she's better able to handle the truth now but I doubt it. But, I wish we really could go to meetings together becasue as you say, I really want to see how "there" she is with all of this.

lillybellrose

From what it sounds like, she is not going to meetings. If she were, she would want you there to see her and others progress. Make that a stipulation for her. That you want to go to open meetings with her, but that she cannot put limitations on you, i.e.; you cannot talk, don't talk to anyone, etc. Alcoholics become grand liars so that they can make sure no one has the real story on them and they can continue to play the victim in order to excuse their drinking. It is a vicious mind game. Until she learns that she can truly change, that people will truly forgive her ,that she can become a loving, responsible person in society, she will go back to the only place where she feels safe and that is playing the victim, playing the blame game and drinking.

Stay positive. You will learn to get over your feelings of resentment and hopelessness and disappointed in the loss of your dream. Insist that you go to those meetings, that you meet her sponsor and that you be able to be honest and real there. If you can, tell her that you are not doing this to be her authority, but to get back your wife and for her to find happiness and good health and hope for a better tomorrow. Tell her that she deserves it and that your children deserve it and nothing less will do.

Have you read the big book? You really should. It will help you to see the insanity of an alcoholic. It will help you gain a perspective that will give you the strength to not cave into her, yet not see her as pathetic either.

Best to you. You are in a bad space now, but there could be such a beautiful road ahead. I have seen it a hundred times in AA. It is a place of miracles.