deax

I understand this deettah. I've feel the same way many many times. And like GF, I want to be in contact more than anything, and frankly, sometimes I'm afraid that I'll get to the point you're at where I will get in contact again and just say '**** it' to anything anyone has to say about it. But underneath my sadness I know that at the present time, I'd be shooting myself in the foot. Right now, the thought he may choose to change gives me hope, but even the small amount of time without contact gives me strength. Right now the phrase 'nothing changes if nothing changes' helps me. I'll be perfectly honest: Al Anon helps a little. My friends, my therapist, and 'Women who Love Too Much' help alot.

Janit is right. Even if you had done everything perfectly and by the book, it still wouldn't have worked because you really don't have that much influence. I had the opportunity you wish for- my bf went back into AA and made a fairly genuine effort a lot of times, and each time I knew a little more than the last time and was always revising my ways of dealing with him. Every time I thought I was doing it 'right' this time in terms of being a partner to him during his recovery. And every time his disease slapped me in the face with a reality check. That's what landed me here. Nothing I did was enough to make things better for long. And I tried everything I could think of, in only one year's time!

I was actually just thinking about this 5 minutes before I read your thread. I listen to people here, listen to people at Al Anon. Everyone sounds good and says positive things about ways to take care of ourselves. But I always feel some level of resentment. Like, uh can you hear me? Do you know how bad I feel and how what you're saying does not take my problem away? However, I don't know if this is good or bad, but I've finally accepted that I don't have to feel better right now, just because I'm doing the 'right' thing for myself. I'm still smack in the middle of my process. I can feel sad and disappointed and melancholy-- simply because the situation just plain sucks. I can do the right thing and sloooowly build my strength, but I shouldn't add the extra burden of not acknowledging and allowing room for my sadness. I still feel it every day, though I'm functioning more now than I was in the beginning. But it's still there. I also know now that it gets better every day. When I first started the NC thing, I was having panic attacks and coudn't even fathom a year. Now I don't have panic attacks and think of all the things I want to get done this year that could use my full attention anyway. That's progress in my book.

I don't want to meet anyone else right now either. Like you, I don't even want to talk about it and it annoys me when people say it. But I don't have to figure that piece out either. I just know that the man he is today is not the person I want to be with forever, so something has to change. And the change has to be within me. And that's the end of it, I don't feel the need right now to push that line of thinking any further.

Give yourself some space and allow yourself to feel. Just don't get lost in it. This is the only life you have, deettah. I don't know your story ver well, and your partner may be suffering over the end of the marriage. But if he's an active addict of any kind he gets to escape his pain. He's not suffering the same way you are, and I do, because he still has the thing that is most important to him. You do not. His drink or drug will come before anything to do with you until he's ready. So do yourself a favor and relieve your own pain a little by taking care of yourself and getting your head straight. You can get through this-- lots of people have. But you need to find a way to get the ball rolling, whatever it may be. God helps those who help themselves, you know.

I don't know if anything I wrote is helpful to you and I know it's kind of randon, but your post really strikes a weird nerve in me.... I guess because I've also felt that miserable and desperate and lost, but would never have admitted the extent of it. I'm afraid to feel that way again though, and so I try to keep on top of things in various healthy ways-- all to try and keep that feeling at bay. So hopefully some of this makes sense to you and will help you get out of this funk. It doesn't have to be this bad.

Grasshopper

Going through similar thoughts and feelings,i got down on my knees and prayed.I felt hopeless,and helpless,but after praying i actually felt that load lift right off my shoulders.Hope,was brought back into my life.Faith,that,knowing inside that i would be ok.Thus began my relationship with God.For only God can heal that hole that was in my soul at the time.
My prayers are with you,
God Bless,and go One Day At A time!!!

megamysterioso

((((Deettah)))) I'm so sorry that you're feeling this sadness. I hope that you get yourself some face to face support of some kind as soon as possible. It is cliche, but life is really too short and such a blessing to spend it in depression. Don't take on all this blame that you seem to be placing on yourself. Your AH also had choices and opportunities to seek sobriety, but he did not. I'm afraid that he will not be able to hit his bottom so long as he knows you are "still there for him" in this way. I cannot imagine that going back to the way things were with the two of you would somehow be better. Addiction and codependence does not magically fix itself and please take LTD's advice and try hard to realize that you really ARE your own best friend here. All the best and many hugs to you.