deettah

I am feeling weaker and weaker everyday. The more I learn about how I contributed to our downwards spiral, the worse I feel, the more guilt I have. I wish I had been stronger, I wish I had been more willing to hear him, I wish I had been less likely to kick him out and feed his insecurities 5 times in one year, I wish I had not shut him out, I wish, I wish, I wish and now it's too late. I don't see myself coming out of this. I have been talking to him and I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I'm tired of hearing that it will get better and that I will find love again with someone else because I don't want that ever. It seems the more I learn about alcoholism and codependence the more confused I am about everything that went wrong when we had the tools to do better and just didn't.

ASpouse

Do you go to any type of support group or therapy? Al anon or some similar type program?

cloudy

I have been thinking of that too lately. Wondering if things would be different, if I knew then what I know now. Then at my meeting yesterday I was reminded that I don't have power over alcoholism or drug addiction, and that no matter which fork in the road I took it didn't matter. It's hard to keep that to heart though, I definitely can understand what you're saying there and can relate. But I trust that to be very true, what I heard yesterday. And when I think back to certain things, that which I'm trusting to be true, is reinforced.

As far as people saying you will be happy again and will find love again, yes you will have happy days again. But you are certainly not expected (or shouldn't be) to be all happy joy joy bubbly! And remember - it's great to strive for positivity but if someone asks you how you're doing and you say "OK" hey - my thought has always been this...."ok, is great!" So don't listen if anyone says..."just" ok? You keep reaching out for support, hang in there! And no rush into the future about finding love again..

Stay in today, don't go to future or past too much. Take care of you today.

((hugs))

p.s. always reach out for support - go to meetings...keep going back, there is a lot to learn and draw in....it doesn't just "click" happen overnight. Give it time, keep reaching out and going here as well as I can't say strongly enough how Alanon helps you to learn, get support, a safe place for support and guidance.

denny57

deetah, I'm sorry to hear you are in such pain. I'm not sure discovering my role in things is meant to make me beat myself up.

I don't mean this saracastically or rhetorically: Is your AH also agonizing over all of this? Why do you think things would be different if you had known then what you know now?


((()))

FriendofBill

When I over analyse my past mistakes, I find I am beating myself with the stuipd stick. All that stick every told me was I was stupid for not knowing what I didnt know.

Now, that you know, whats next? Forgiving yourself. How can you expect you to have been able to perfectly act and react at that time? Wasnt alcoholism beating the sh!t out of you?

If you had cancer beating the crap out of your liver, would you know how to control that?....maybe if you were a cancer doctor. We are not alcoholism doctors, so we cannot expect to have been able to do, act,be, say exactly the right thing. Only God has the power to do that....now your not saying you should have been as good as he, are ya

Write a letter to YOU from YOU forgiving YOU. I did. Relieved me of the shame and guilt. Two very worthless emotions.

Janitw

Deetah - honey listen to me....you can sit there and beat yourself black and blue if you want to - but you can never be good enough for an alcoholic...bottom line. We can't be perfect and even if we were it wouldn't change their alcoholism....it's a progressive illness and you can't let yourself forget this. I haven't talked to my soon to be ex husband in over a year because he can't even face me or his kids and I love him soooo much and I cry all the time too. But it doesn't matter what we do now or what we did or didn't do then. They had the responsibility to find happiness within their own family unit and they failed and failed miserably. You and I did NOT fail we didn't fail them and we didn't fail ourselves. So honey keep your chin up and carry on because what they love in us the most is our strength. So lets give them plenty to see.....ok. (((((hugs))))

GettingFree

When I start thinking like this, I have to remind myself that even if I had been stronger, even if I had done the things differently that my 20/20 hindsight tells me, there is no guarantee of a different outcome. Possibly, but also just as possible is the same outcome would have been reached sooner because I would have put up better boundaries earlier and they may not have been accepted.

I want like anything to be in contact now. I wish for it on a heart level. On a head level, I know it would be the worst thing. And I know keeping the dance going would mean that I wouldn't be able to do the letting go I need to so that maybe, just maybe, some distant way down the road, I may possibly again think again I could look at someone else -- even though right now the idea is only an intellectual possiblity.

I wish I knew then what I know now. I have to forgive myself, and undertand that this is a process. I am trying to believe that this person was in my life for the time they were for a reason. It was part of my path, my growth, my development. That doesn't make it hurt less. But it does give me some perspective to accept that I am still evolving, and will become a happier, more fulfilled person as I go forward than I was looking backward.

I am sorry you're hurting. I so know and understand.

best
gf

deettah

I know that he is agonizing over all of this too and that makes it harder. I did the no contact thing and thought I was feeling better. The reality of it is that I was just getting better at hiding it from everyone. I believe in forgiveness and I want that for myself from lyself but I hate that I am lsong him, lost him. I'm so tired of feeling like this and I want it all to end, no matter how it ends.

Janitw

When he agonies enough he will hit a new bottom and get him. God love ya darlin.

GettingFree

Hey Deettah sweetie...I just want to check on what you mean by this. I'm a little concerned, because it could mean several things. Let us know if you're in a serious state 'kay? 'Cause then you need some real live support right away. okay????!

cmc

Hi deetah,
Have you ever thought about what you would do differently now? We cannot change our past and I learned in Alanon that by living in the past and/or fretting over the future, I miss out on today.
Today is something we do have some control over- I hope you will keep coming around and I don't know alot of your story, but I hope you will try to attend some f2f meetings.
Where you go from this point is largely up to you- please read or reread the stickys listed on the forums- they are very helpful. You might want to browse around some other forums and see how others have found sobriety and serenity.
btw My son is in jail at this point and I could beat myself purple if I wanted to just thinking of all the could haves and should haves- most of us do our best. I was doing my best,but now I know some things I didn't know before. I did not know much about addiction back then. I thought I did. My life is so much better now.
I cried so many nights as my son was using well over 10 years. It was about 2 months after I began to go to meetings that I could finally put the guilt to rest. I am free from that now- I still struggle with other issues at times, but now I have learned that I can change and that things can and do get better.
I can sympathize with how you are feeling right now, but I must say to you that beating yourself up will accomplish nothing- not for you and especially not for your loved one.
take care of yourself....

BigSis

Deetah... I don't know your story, so please forgive me if you've answered this before, but...

What steps are you taking to feel better? Do you attend Alanon (it is free)? Do you have a counselor?

Are you in crisis this evening? In many cities, there is a service called, HOTLINE that is listed in the White Pages of your phone book. They have trained folks on the phone you can talk to, and have excellent resources they can find numbers for you.

I am worried about ya, and hope you are ok tonight. (((Deetah))))

deettah

I feel as if I am in crisis everyday. Lately more so than ever. I was attending Al-anon and coming here regularily. I don't know what the ending of my marriage means for me any more. I can't seem to make sense of anything nor do I have the will to want to. I don't feel I'm much of a mother, friend, or daughter in this state. It is all I can do to get one foot in front of the other and make myself get up in the morning. I keep praying that I won't wake up just to get some relief. I'm afraid for my future without the love of my life.

BigSis

My terror was a little different than yours, my fear was I was going to live only to watch my daughter die by bits - a little more each day.

I focused on the future and on the past. I could not seem to live in today.

A friend I met at an Alanon meeting was there one day when I finally had enough pain to pick up that 500 pound phone. I called her and she had me write out, in detail, all my fears. The worst of the worst - and to leave out nothing.

Then she told me to burn the list.

I was surprised, but it worked. For one day, I felt better. I had not felt better in a very long time.

I wanted more of that. So I increased my meetings. And I tried different meetings at different times and in different towns. I wanted as much Alanon in as many flavors as I could find. I wanted what THEY had... those folks sitting around the tables at Alanon.

In addition to my meetings, I was going to a personal counselor. I was doing an awful lot of introspection and self-discovery. I didn't feel better EVERY day, but I felt better on most days.

I don't have an answer for you tonight, but if you feel you need somone, get out that newcomers packet of phone numbers and call one... or call them all. No one puts a number down if they are not willing to take a call.

Please keep posting - we are open all night.

LaTeeDa

Deetah--please take what I am about to say in the spirit it was intended.

YOU are the love of your life. HE is not. There is NO person out there who can fill the empty holes in your soul. If you look to him (or anyone else) to complete you, you will forever be disappointed and in despair. There is no one outside of ourselves that can make us happy. True happiness can only come from within.

I will ask the question also, have you read "Codependent No More?" Even if you have, you may want to read it again. Also, one my all-time favorites is "The Road Less Traveled." It speaks to the pain you are feeling.

Above all, it is important to get outside help. Are you seeing a counselor? I would probably be a basket case right now if it wasn't for my counselor. Please seek out some face to face help, whether it is Alanon, counseling, pastor, or whatever. This forum is wonderful, but sometimes you just need a real person for support.

((((Deetah))))

L

GettingFree

Deetah -- tonight is just tonight. I can't count the number of times in my life the pain I felt was so great it seemed living wasn't worth it. But I hung on, just for that day, that night, and kept going forward. And I am here today.

My children would not be who they are today, the wonderful, remarkable people they are today, if I wasn't here. I hung on. They needed me. And I found a way to be there for me, and for them.

Your children need you too. Not having you in their life would be devastating. Tonight the problems feel unbearable. The pain feels unbearable. But one thing I have learned.

It does not stay that way.

If you are feeling desperate, please call a hotline. Lean on those who are here to be leaned on. Okay????

(((((deetah)))))

DesertEyes

Hello there deetah,

I felt exactly the way you describe. I felt stuck in crisis mode, every day.

I lost my marriage to addiction, my dad, and uncle and an aunt all died of addiction, the business I'd spent a decade building shut down, and I was diagnosed with a terminal heart condition. All in the space of 4 months. My whole world turned black and I knew, without the smallest doubt that without my soul-mate of 20yrs I would not live. I was attending Al-Anon, and also started here on SoberRecovery. I did exactly what you are doing, forced myself out of bed and just focused on what activity I needed to do just that day. Forced myself to go to meetings, and to call people on the phone. For me it was a nightmare.

It is not a nightmare anymore. I have a wonderful life now. I buried and forgave my addict relatives, I "detached with love" from my adorable wife and let her live her life the way she wants it, moved to a new town and made a whole bunch new friends, got some good docs to help me with my health. I'm even beginning to date again. Doing it rather poorly, but it's progress.

If you just keep in touch with your real life people in Al-Anon, and keep in touch with us, you can make it back to a real life the same way I have. You are not alone in this, all of us have been thru it and will "walk" with you every single minute. You will have a good future, just like all the rest of us.

I am praying for you tonite, and I will pray for you every nite.

Mike

Magichappens

Hi deettah,
When I got to the place where I really wanted help, I went to Al-Anon. I learned that I was as powerless over my actions, emotions, and thoughts as the alcoholic was to stay away from drinking. I was driven by fear and self delusion. I couldn't change things outside of me to make me ok, and I couldn't seem to change myself to get ok with the things that were going on around me. I was powerless- my life was unmanageable. The first of the 12 steps.

Fortunately, the rest of the steps outlined a solution for this seemingly hopeless problem. Unfortunately, I had to rely on something other than my own will power to tap into this solution.

Guilt is a form of feeling in control. It is an emotion that tells me that I need to change. But if there is nothing I can do about a situation, then guilt is not an appropriate response. That was the case with my situation when I began recovery.

If you look at your situation and can truly say that you can change those things about you that are troubling you, then what are you waiting for? But if you secretly wonder why you can't be the person that you feel you should be, even though you have really tried, you may be powerless to make that happen. There are people in Al-Anon who have found that power through the steps. They are waiting for someone to share that discovery with. Maybe they can share it with you. Hugs, Magic

GettingFree

How are you this morning Deetah? Maybe today's a great day to get to a meeting, make a call, reach out. I find it all seems a bit easier with the help of others.

best
gf

MsPINKAcres

((Deetah)),
Remember prior to recovery, "we were doing the best we could with what we had".
Treat yourself with compassion, love and understand,
Be good to yourself,
Rita