I don't know what to do for my alcoholic sister or my alcoholic friend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 2
I don't know what to do for my alcoholic sister or my alcoholic friend
This is my first post writing about my experiences so please forgive my ramblings, I'm trying to work it all out...
I've watched both my sister and best friend's lives be turned upside down by alcohol addiction. I've compared it to watching a car crash in very slow motion over years and in both cases lots of collateral damage to their children (which they haven't acknowledged).
Talking about them at the same time risks confusing their issues (my sister also has a life long eating problem, anorexia which is probably a main cause, along with alcohol abuse, of heart failures and subsequent defib implant) but a lot of their behaviour follows the same themes: Self pity, blaming those closest to them for their problems, truly unwarranted hateful speech (my sister telling our elderly mother she will spit on her grave when she's dead because she now believes our mother is the root of all of her problems), self absorption, inability to get on with normal daily life, DUIs and driving bans, forgetfulness and then in periods of 'normality' carrying on as if nothing has happened.
And I'm not allowed to mention to them that I may have been affected by losing my best friend or my sister to alcohloism. I'm so sick of listening to them spitting blood at the world and to those people closest to them and when I intervene to try and bring some balance to their view I am told that I don't understand. I am so sick of being told that I don't understand. I am also told that I should never give up on an alcoholic but honestly they have become so hateful towards the world, do not listen to a word I say, instantly forget the hours of conversations (well, me listening to their delusions) that I just don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to them any more, I am incredibly sad and heartbroken. I also feel completely manipulated by them to keep me onboard.
They clearly want my friendship and support but they also level critisisms at me for not caring about them like I'm just moralising and judging them but I am not, I just want them to stop drinking because I truly believe that is the main cause of all of their 'other' problems.
What can I do??? I'm so tired of their problems dominating my life and in my years of listening I feel that my presence has made no difference whatsoever. It all feels like a complete waste of time, energy and worry. It often keeps me up at night and I find the whole damn thing incredibly stressful.
Any comments or advice welcome. Thanks for listening.
I've watched both my sister and best friend's lives be turned upside down by alcohol addiction. I've compared it to watching a car crash in very slow motion over years and in both cases lots of collateral damage to their children (which they haven't acknowledged).
Talking about them at the same time risks confusing their issues (my sister also has a life long eating problem, anorexia which is probably a main cause, along with alcohol abuse, of heart failures and subsequent defib implant) but a lot of their behaviour follows the same themes: Self pity, blaming those closest to them for their problems, truly unwarranted hateful speech (my sister telling our elderly mother she will spit on her grave when she's dead because she now believes our mother is the root of all of her problems), self absorption, inability to get on with normal daily life, DUIs and driving bans, forgetfulness and then in periods of 'normality' carrying on as if nothing has happened.
And I'm not allowed to mention to them that I may have been affected by losing my best friend or my sister to alcohloism. I'm so sick of listening to them spitting blood at the world and to those people closest to them and when I intervene to try and bring some balance to their view I am told that I don't understand. I am so sick of being told that I don't understand. I am also told that I should never give up on an alcoholic but honestly they have become so hateful towards the world, do not listen to a word I say, instantly forget the hours of conversations (well, me listening to their delusions) that I just don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to them any more, I am incredibly sad and heartbroken. I also feel completely manipulated by them to keep me onboard.
They clearly want my friendship and support but they also level critisisms at me for not caring about them like I'm just moralising and judging them but I am not, I just want them to stop drinking because I truly believe that is the main cause of all of their 'other' problems.
What can I do??? I'm so tired of their problems dominating my life and in my years of listening I feel that my presence has made no difference whatsoever. It all feels like a complete waste of time, energy and worry. It often keeps me up at night and I find the whole damn thing incredibly stressful.
Any comments or advice welcome. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Tomil
We really can drive ourselves insane, attempting to support those with addiction who don't want change.
My son is the addict, and would blame me for the sun rising, and setting. Everything is always someone elses fault.
You can't be their saviour, and as you've discovered, any sound advice/support you have offered, has been in vain. Your friend and your sister won't change, unless they choose too.
Perhaps it's time for you to step back, and minimise your contact with them. I found it was the only thing I could do, to restore some sanity to my mind and life. I advised my son that I would not speak with him if he was "out of it", or inappropriate in any way. I block him when I need to. I used to be frightened to do that, should anything happen to him, until I accepted that I had no control over any aspect of his life - obvious you would think, but it took me time to accept that.
Think about boundaries for yourself, regarding what you will and will not accept. For example, " when (sister) calls, I will end the call if she starts spewing nastiness". Same applies to your friend. You do not have to listen to them. You don't even have to answer the phone to them if you don't want to. This is not being harsh, this is taking care of yourself, which is vital. Have you considered Al-anon for yourself?
This section of the forum is particularly quiet, Tomil, so if I were you, it may benefit to post in the first "room" (F & F of Alcoholics) as it has more traffic.
Take good care
Much Love
Bute x
We really can drive ourselves insane, attempting to support those with addiction who don't want change.
My son is the addict, and would blame me for the sun rising, and setting. Everything is always someone elses fault.
You can't be their saviour, and as you've discovered, any sound advice/support you have offered, has been in vain. Your friend and your sister won't change, unless they choose too.
Perhaps it's time for you to step back, and minimise your contact with them. I found it was the only thing I could do, to restore some sanity to my mind and life. I advised my son that I would not speak with him if he was "out of it", or inappropriate in any way. I block him when I need to. I used to be frightened to do that, should anything happen to him, until I accepted that I had no control over any aspect of his life - obvious you would think, but it took me time to accept that.
Think about boundaries for yourself, regarding what you will and will not accept. For example, " when (sister) calls, I will end the call if she starts spewing nastiness". Same applies to your friend. You do not have to listen to them. You don't even have to answer the phone to them if you don't want to. This is not being harsh, this is taking care of yourself, which is vital. Have you considered Al-anon for yourself?
This section of the forum is particularly quiet, Tomil, so if I were you, it may benefit to post in the first "room" (F & F of Alcoholics) as it has more traffic.
Take good care
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 39
Hi Tomil,
I have struggled too with alcoholic sister who displays unbelievable aggression and demeaning behaviour towards others, meanwhile acting as if she is the only sane person in her family. The levels of disrespect and violence are incredible.
I feel that she has become personality disordered, or something similar. There has been a real change in her that I can't fathom or understand or define. It's taken me years to really see that and to stop yearning for a sisterly relationship. I had to get to the point where the levels of unreality in her acts and viewpoints, & also the lack of change, became undeniable. That hurts as a massive loss. But I feel there is no way out until she stops drinking and also starts peeling away the underlying issues.
I now do not seek contact unless it's unavoidable. It hurts, but at least does not endanger me or my own sanity. I guess the door is not totally closed, but so much damage has been done and we are not young anymore, that I fear it will never be addressed and so forgiveness is a release I will maybe seek on my own (I also don't think forgiveness is obligatory, or that it has a fixed meaning, after abuse or violence of whatever sort).
I feel with you and hope you can find a way to minimise the damage. As siblings I feel we have no chance of helping. We lack the power, distance and authority. If it were even possible anyway. I feel terrible that I fear and want to stay completely away from my own sister. As a teen I had a friend whose brother was a heroin addict. I used to see her fear of him and not understand. But now I do.
I have struggled too with alcoholic sister who displays unbelievable aggression and demeaning behaviour towards others, meanwhile acting as if she is the only sane person in her family. The levels of disrespect and violence are incredible.
I feel that she has become personality disordered, or something similar. There has been a real change in her that I can't fathom or understand or define. It's taken me years to really see that and to stop yearning for a sisterly relationship. I had to get to the point where the levels of unreality in her acts and viewpoints, & also the lack of change, became undeniable. That hurts as a massive loss. But I feel there is no way out until she stops drinking and also starts peeling away the underlying issues.
I now do not seek contact unless it's unavoidable. It hurts, but at least does not endanger me or my own sanity. I guess the door is not totally closed, but so much damage has been done and we are not young anymore, that I fear it will never be addressed and so forgiveness is a release I will maybe seek on my own (I also don't think forgiveness is obligatory, or that it has a fixed meaning, after abuse or violence of whatever sort).
I feel with you and hope you can find a way to minimise the damage. As siblings I feel we have no chance of helping. We lack the power, distance and authority. If it were even possible anyway. I feel terrible that I fear and want to stay completely away from my own sister. As a teen I had a friend whose brother was a heroin addict. I used to see her fear of him and not understand. But now I do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 2
Thank you
Thank you both for replying. I still finding my way around this forum and can't work out how to reply to you individually. It's very reassuring that you have come to the same deadend that I have come to. It's so tragic. I didn't realise that I have to just accept that I cannot help them. I need to get my head around that and move further away whilst dealing with my own and their cries that I should never give up on an alcoholic. I feel like I'm grieving. Thank you so much again for taking the time to respond. It really does mean a lot.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Dear Tomil,
There is a wonderful post on this particular forum titled, "The Battle Isn't Yours to Fight"...I have read it often. We who have alcoholic loved ones never stop caring, we just finally realize that there is nothing at all we can do to help them. We can only help ourselves.
The more you read and come to understand about alcoholism, the clearer it will become. I have been coming around here for over 10 years, and I always find strength and wisdom and experience, and the comfort of knowing that I don't walk this road alone, and that I can love someone, but from afar.
I hope you will stay and read and put your well being first.
You deserve peace. We all do.
There is a wonderful post on this particular forum titled, "The Battle Isn't Yours to Fight"...I have read it often. We who have alcoholic loved ones never stop caring, we just finally realize that there is nothing at all we can do to help them. We can only help ourselves.
The more you read and come to understand about alcoholism, the clearer it will become. I have been coming around here for over 10 years, and I always find strength and wisdom and experience, and the comfort of knowing that I don't walk this road alone, and that I can love someone, but from afar.
I hope you will stay and read and put your well being first.
You deserve peace. We all do.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
